no sex with penetration-frustrated and crying
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 11-07-2010, 07:09 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default no sex with penetration-frustrated and crying

I have talked with my husband numeous times about him not wanting to have sex. He will touch me or want to do oral sex, but not sex involving the genitals. It is to the point where I am 'closed up.' from lack of use. I have been to my gyn and am on hormones to keep my vagina from being dry, because I have been thru menopause. Still no sex with penetration. We have talked...my husband knows I am frustrated...and still acts like sex means mouth and hands and not penis or vagina touching each other...Has anyone else had this experience? I am so frustrated. This has been going on for a few years. Why would a man elect NOT to have regular sex? I know that he is concerned about premature ejaculation because of the lack of frequency of this...but why would a man not want to have oldfashioned intercourse?
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Old 11-07-2010, 07:16 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: no sex with penetration-frustrated and crying

Wow....this is odd to me and I have no idea why he wouldn't want that in addition to all the other fun stuff.

Have you two been to a therapist about this? I would want to know why to. I'd be mad if he didn't wanna put it to me pre mature ejaculation or not. Put a condom on to decrease sensation or something.
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Old 11-07-2010, 08:19 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I have tried to get my husband to a marriage counselor. He cancelled the appointment after two sessions. He has tried years ago the condom thing and also desensitizing creams. He just doesn't try now. To actually think that touching me is going to cut it is just really pissing me off. I have tried to talk to him many times. He will probably tell me later today that somehow his lack of interest in intercourse is MY choice, although I don't get that at all. I have NEVER advocated a sexless marriage. I think that I have had intercourse with him once in the past two years...and it lasted for about one minute. I am not judging him. He will say that we have to do it frequently or he just goes really fast....but he does not even try to have sex...it is like he doesn't really want to. I don't like getting oral sex. I have told him oral sex is a tease to me. He is not changing his sexual behavior.
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Old 11-07-2010, 08:55 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: no sex with penetration-frustrated and crying

He may be ashamed or feel embarrassed by his performance. He may be suffering from anxiety and handles the problem by avoiding intercourse. If he is like the average man then his feeling about himself as a man has been shaken by this problem. This is a very delicate issue his identity and self confidence may be riding on his ability to perform. You can see how this can lead to more anxiety. I am only speculating but, do you think you can find out if this is going on with him. It will take patience and compassion to approach this with him.

Try not to think of your need for sex right now but approach the issue from his perspective, a problem that has hit at the core of his being. He may or may not respond with the desire to get help but if you try you may be successful. If not, you will have to decide what you would like to do. Good luck
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Old 11-07-2010, 09:00 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: no sex with penetration-frustrated and crying

Catherine, I understand what you are saying, and appreciate it.

However, this issue has come up again and again. How does a partner handle having to restate the same thing, and then not get any feedback? It is like he forgets that we even had a conversation about it...

It makes me feel ignored completely. He is nice and sweet...etc,,,but suceeds in ignoring this very important aspect of marriage.
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Old 11-07-2010, 07:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: no sex with penetration-frustrated and crying

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Originally Posted by mindy View Post
I have talked with my husband numeous times about him not wanting to have sex. He will touch me or want to do oral sex, but not sex involving the genitals. It is to the point where I am 'closed up.' from lack of use. I have been to my gyn and am on hormones to keep my vagina from being dry, because I have been thru menopause. Still no sex with penetration. We have talked...my husband knows I am frustrated...and still acts like sex means mouth and hands and not penis or vagina touching each other...Has anyone else had this experience? I am so frustrated. This has been going on for a few years. Why would a man elect NOT to have regular sex? I know that he is concerned about premature ejaculation because of the lack of frequency of this...but why would a man not want to have oldfashioned intercourse?
Because he suffers from erectile dysfuction, not because he didn't want to please you, he needs a doctor first if you want intercourse.
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Old 11-08-2010, 09:46 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: no sex with penetration-frustrated and crying

Hi Mindy

I have talked with my husband numeous times about him not wanting to have sex. He will touch me or want to do oral sex, but not sex involving the genitals. It is to the point where I am 'closed up.' from lack of use. I have been to my gyn and am on hormones to keep my vagina from being dry, because I have been thru menopause. Still no sex with penetration. We have talked...my husband knows I am frustrated...and still acts like sex means mouth and hands and not penis or vagina touching each other...Has anyone else had this experience?

JUdith: With a vib you can practice stretching your vaginal muscles. that can keep you limber. It sounds like he has issues emotional ones that are affecting his physical. MEn are afraid to talk about the emtoional issues that relate to the physical. It is easier to say something else than talk about the real thing> They see sex as a physical thing that is really physical to them -they feel it. He needs healing and talk about why he has issues with the entry. Would he talk to someone about his fears etc-Is there anyway both of you can talk about this (dont make it personal to either of you)without having sex?

Need to talk about this without sex?

Judith

I am so frustrated. This has been going on for a few years. Why would a man elect NOT to have regular sex? I know that he is concerned about premature ejaculation because of the lack of frequency of this...but why would a man not want to have oldfashioned intercourse?
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Old 11-08-2010, 03:53 PM   #8 (permalink)
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It sounds like he is frightened of letting you down , I have a similar problem with my bloke, its been like it since we met 4 years ago , He wont get help either
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Old 11-09-2010, 10:18 PM   #9 (permalink)
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As a guy, I'm guessing the answer is that he afraid of being really, really bad at it. So here is my terrible advice for the day. Initiate sex, make with a little of the dirty talk and tell him you're gonna see how fast you can make him come. Sure, it may last six seconds, but if you can let his defenses down enough to break the no penetration barrier once, you can probably do so again and improve on it from there.

Especially at first, if it's terrible, lie and act like it was great. Obviously improvements would need to be made long term, but your short term goal is simply to make it start happening and putting his defenses to rest.
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Old 11-10-2010, 12:24 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: no sex with penetration-frustrated and crying

In Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch has counseled men who avoided IC, and it turns out they were afraid of being too aggressive because they feared they would become aggressive like their fathers. There could be anxiety, too.

The biggest problem I see is his unwillingness to improve the relationship.

And sorry to say, your willingness to tolerate his unwillingness is preventing either of you from moving forward.
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Old 11-13-2010, 07:10 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: no sex with penetration-frustrated and crying

Mindy, I'm terribly sorry for the pain you and your husband are going thru. It sounds like PME and definately not ED. Since he ejactulates moments after penetration. How long does he take to ejact when you perform oral? PME can be resolved thru mental training and in some cases anti-depressants, for "off label use". It IS a fixable problem. Best wishes
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Old 11-14-2010, 10:39 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: no sex with penetration-frustrated and crying

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Originally Posted by mindy View Post
Catherine, I understand what you are saying, and appreciate it.

However, this issue has come up again and again. How does a partner handle having to restate the same thing, and then not get any feedback? It is like he forgets that we even had a conversation about it...

It makes me feel ignored completely. He is nice and sweet...etc,,,but suceeds in ignoring this very important aspect of marriage.
Mindy you are so frustrated, I know and worried too. I know you said you talked to him and he seems to forget and you feel ignored. Can I suggest a book that may help. It's written by an MD and she writes about the differences between men and woman and backs her info with scientific research citations. It is readable even with the science stuff. It's "Why men never remember and Women never forget" by Marianne Legato MD.

Although it is written by a woman she writes with clarity and a true desire to help men and woman communicate better. I make a point about her being a woman because I don't give much credibility to women who speculate about how men think, I don't think they know or really understand. But she backs up what she says with solid science and is balanced and not man bashing or disrespectful of men.

She gives really good suggestions on how to talk to a man so he hears and understands. Men really think differently than woman and they hear things differently when a woman says something. The author makes excellent suggestions about how to approach so that he hears. Although you have spoken to him many times try agin after reading this book. I have tried with mu hubby with whom I have communication problems and we are doing better not perfect but much better.

He really must be in a terrible space and he is not sure what to do to make you happy so he may be ignoring the problem. Men want to fix things for the people they love and when they can't it brings much turmoil. Understanding may help you to approach him in the right way.

Maybe tell him that you know he loves you by all of the things that he does and you know he wants to please you. But he may be stuck and you can ask in clear unemotional ways with no accusations what is happening to you as a result of the lack of sex. (I not accusing you of doing any of these, but he may interpret what you say in that way)

Tell him exactly what you need from him and what you want him to do - go to Dr. have testosterone checked, get full check up, work on solving problem, determine if he is depressed. If he does not follow through call him on it again in a gentle way and the ask him what he would like you to do. You have to decide if you want to continue with him and accept him as he is or leave.

LRP as a man made a good suggestion, you may, with his assent, try that. I hope more men will pipe in. Be very gentle and understanding, he is really not ignoring you, I don't think, he is pushing away something painful and he probably has no idea how it has affected you although you told him. You amy not have told him in a way that he knows what you want him to do. Support him in every way you can and let him know it - his ED (if that's the problem) is an illness. If he is a good man as you say, he deserves every bit of love and support you can give him - this is a probably a crisis for him and it is weighing on him.

He sounds like a gem, I hope things will work out. If you put yourself in his man brain, I think you will be able to understand to some degree what he is feeling or even not allowing himself to feel. Best of luck.
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