Originally Posted by mindy
Catherine, I understand what you are saying, and appreciate it.
However, this issue has come up again and again. How does a partner handle having to restate the same thing, and then not get any feedback? It is like he forgets that we even had a conversation about it...
It makes me feel ignored completely. He is nice and sweet...etc,,,but suceeds in ignoring this very important aspect of marriage.
Mindy you are so frustrated, I know and worried too. I know you said you talked to him and he seems to forget and you feel ignored. Can I suggest a book that may help. It's written by an MD and she writes about the differences between men and woman and backs her info with scientific research citations. It is readable even with the science stuff. It's "Why men never remember and Women never forget" by Marianne Legato MD.
Although it is written by a woman she writes with clarity and a true desire to help men and woman communicate better. I make a point about her being a woman because I don't give much credibility to women who speculate about how men think, I don't think they know or really understand. But she backs up what she says with solid science and is balanced and not man bashing or disrespectful of men.
She gives really good suggestions on how to talk to a man so he hears and understands. Men really think differently than woman and they hear things differently when a woman says something. The author makes excellent suggestions about how to approach so that he hears. Although you have spoken to him many times try agin after reading this book. I have tried with mu hubby with whom I have communication problems and we are doing better not perfect but much better.
He really must be in a terrible space and he is not sure what to do to make you happy so he may be ignoring the problem. Men want to fix things for the people they love and when they can't it brings much turmoil. Understanding may help you to approach him in the right way.
Maybe tell him that you know he loves you by all of the things that he does and you know he wants to please you. But he may be stuck and you can ask in clear unemotional ways with no accusations what is happening to you as a result of the lack of sex. (I not accusing you of doing any of these, but he may interpret what you say in that way)
Tell him exactly what you need from him and what you want him to do - go to Dr. have testosterone checked, get full check up, work on solving problem, determine if he is depressed. If he does not follow through call him on it again in a gentle way and the ask him what he would like you to do. You have to decide if you want to continue with him and accept him as he is or leave.
LRP as a man made a good suggestion, you may, with his assent, try that. I hope more men will pipe in. Be very gentle and understanding, he is really not ignoring you, I don't think, he is pushing away something painful and he probably has no idea how it has affected you although you told him. You amy not have told him in a way that he knows what you want him to do. Support him in every way you can and let him know it - his ED (if that's the problem) is an illness. If he is a good man as you say, he deserves every bit of love and support you can give him - this is a probably a crisis for him and it is weighing on him.
He sounds like a gem, I hope things will work out. If you put yourself in his man brain, I think you will be able to understand to some degree what he is feeling or even not allowing himself to feel. Best of luck.