Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I am new here and need some help or maybe some light shed on my frustration. Here's a little background about myself...
My husband and I have been married for a little over a year, but have been together for 3 years. I have 2 children from a previous relationship, and my husband and I have an 11 week old together.
When we first got together our sex life was great. Was just about every day at different times during the day. My husband is a very sexual person, and so am I. I always told him that it's a good thing I have a high sex drive - or else we'd have issues. During the summer time the sex usually slows a little. My husband is a firefighter and will be gone weeks at a time. Anyways...this past year the sex has gone down. While I was pregnant my husband was a little freaked out by my expanding abdomen. The sex we did have was usually done doggy style - so that he didn't have to see/touch my belly. I had to beg him at the end of the pregnancy to have sex with me. He did it just because it would help soften my cervix.
So now - baby is here and I understand the exhaustion thing. The thing is - our baby sleeps through the night, and on the occasion that he doesn't - I am the one that gets up to feed him. So I don't see how my husband can be so exhausted. My sex drive is just as high as it was when we first started dating 3 years ago. My husband -don't know what happened to his. He doesn't even look or touch me like he used to. I've tried different things - such as the sexy pushy kind of thing - like playing around with him and pushing him onto the bed, etc. He doesn't respond to any of it.
It's hard emotionally because I already feel unattractive after having a baby, and being 30lbs heavier then what I was when we first dated. I've talked to him about it all, and he tells me that he is tired. Even after the talks - things don't seem to change. It's almost like it's in one ear and out the other.
Can anyone shed any light on this or give me some suggestions on what I can do?
If you look around the forum, you will usually find this circumstance in reverse. High libido man, low libido woman after having sexual fireworks at the beginning of the relationship.
When men are given advice in this circumstance, it usually has to do with approaching the subject delicately, and basically - trying to work around it rather than address it directly with their partner.
In your case, dealing with a man, you can skip all of the delicate stuff. What you have just stated here, you should address with him openly and honestly.
Hit on the following points:
- Your drive is no different now than it was when you started 3 years ago.
- Tell him ... it's apparent to you that his drive has dropped substantially.
- Tell him you are NOT ok with the way things currently are.
- Ask him to account honestly for what he believes the reasons are for his drop in sexual interest.
*Caveat* DO NOT ask him this question unless you are prepared to hear an answer that you may not like.
What you need to come to terms with:
You were pregnant, had a baby, you may look substantially different.
There is the distinct possibility that he is currently not as attracted to you as he was pre-baby weight.
We deal with this issue quite a bit as well. Invariably it falls into 2 camps:
- Men are shallow pigs. (Although I'm sure some ladies find this view comforting, it doesn't actually address anything)
- Acknowledge that your appearance has changed, and decide on a course of action to address the issue because you want to make the change for your benefit, and self perception..
If this is the case, you can enlist your husbands help.
If you believe there are other issues at play, feel free to share them, and you likely get some other great input.
As far as weight. I gained 30lbs before the pregnancy...it's the happy relationship/not working weight. I do not look fat though, just a little more filled out. I was 115lbs when we started dating. During the pregnancy I gained another 30lbs, but have dropped all of that. So I am now working on my "happy" extra baggage. I've asked him if he is unhappy with the way I look, and he insists that I am beautiful. He's not a shallow guy...very down to earth romantic. This is why his drop in libido has really made me wonder. It's just so very frustrating! I ended up sleeping on the couch last night because I was tired of laying in bed feelin ignored, and I didn't want to wake him up and get all emotional on him.
For just a moment, I'm gonna lay the whole thing squarely at his feet and give you a laundry list of possibilities.
If for whatever reason on Earth he either cannot, or does not believe that he can perform, to avoid feeling like a total failure, he just won't come onto you.
If he is taking meds for depression, ADHD, or others, there is a large swath of medications out there that absolutely murder libido.
Stress, either due to work, or wondering about his ability to provide for and take care of his wife and children can do a number on his libido.
If there is no other source of emotional distance between you, in other words, if he expresses love, support, affection, and is generally attentive, than I don't think you need to question his love or commitment.
Thirty one is mighty young for issues with low testosterone, but it isn't unheard of.
In a nutshell, I still think you should challenge him a bit about stepping up and at least getting him to question what's going on. At 31, I would normally suspect that you two should be pretty well matched from a sexual perspective.
I am new here and need some help or maybe some light shed on my frustration. Here's a little background about myself...
My husband and I have been married for a little over a year, but have been together for 3 years. I have 2 children from a previous relationship, and my husband and I have an 11 week old together.
When we first got together our sex life was great. Was just about every day at different times during the day. My husband is a very sexual person, and so am I. I always told him that it's a good thing I have a high sex drive - or else we'd have issues. During the summer time the sex usually slows a little. My husband is a firefighter and will be gone weeks at a time. Anyways...this past year the sex has gone down. While I was pregnant my husband was a little freaked out by my expanding abdomen. The sex we did have was usually done doggy style - so that he didn't have to see/touch my belly. I had to beg him at the end of the pregnancy to have sex with me. He did it just because it would help soften my cervix.
So now - baby is here and I understand the exhaustion thing. The thing is - our baby sleeps through the night, and on the occasion that he doesn't - I am the one that gets up to feed him. So I don't see how my husband can be so exhausted. My sex drive is just as high as it was when we first started dating 3 years ago. My husband -don't know what happened to his. He doesn't even look or touch me like he used to. I've tried different things - such as the sexy pushy kind of thing - like playing around with him and pushing him onto the bed, etc. He doesn't respond to any of it.
It's hard emotionally because I already feel unattractive after having a baby, and being 30lbs heavier then what I was when we first dated. I've talked to him about it all, and he tells me that he is tired. Even after the talks - things don't seem to change. It's almost like it's in one ear and out the other.
Can anyone shed any light on this or give me some suggestions on what I can do?
He might be scared that you'll get pregnant again. What kind of BC do y'all use?
you should just straight up tell him. "look i know you are tired, but i don't want our sex life to disappear, lets pencil in some time for us, and lets stick to it." me and my dh also have a 12 week old, and it's hard sometimes, b/c i have a 4 yr old from a previous marriage and my dh also works from 5 am till 3 pm 5 days a week, and also goes to school online...so he really is tired lol, but we make time for us about 2-3 times a week. he may also have issues about the baby being in the room if you are doing that, if that is an issue, either leave baby in the living room (in a safe place), or go in the living room to dtd. also you could try putting on something sexy, find something that makes you feel sexy.
Was your pregnancy something he planned and wanted? If y'all had great sex before pregnancy but not so great afterwards but he still finds you sexy and attractive, I'm just wondering if he may not be worried about you getting pregnant again. It's also possible that the problem might have more to do with his job than with either of you. I worked a serial murder case years ago with multiple female victims. We found the girls nude and it was a sexually motivated killer, so....let's just say I saw vaginas and breasts mutilated in ways few decent people ever will. It didn't stop me from performing with my wife, but for a while, every time I saw her naked, it brought back pretty ugly images that aren't helpful in a marital bed. Smoke eaters see some pretty gruesome stuff, too. Those married to emergency workers hoe a difficult row. If he hasn't brought some of these mental Halloween treats home yet, he will.
I do agree on watching a baby come out of there. Honestly, it was some of the most memorable moments of my life. . .I can remember in vivid detail what each of my sons did coming out (fuss, cry, whimper, kick) but I don't know. . .can't we just be up at the head or something? So, I guess I would do it over again.
But also, what we are watching is. . .I mean we are looking that anatomy that usually excites us so much, drives us crazy and it looks like a bloody, hairy slimey mess giving birth to an alien that's ripping you apart.
Can it just be women and midwives and nurses and stuff?
Would be even better if we could just order off Amazon.
My ex had C-sections. My memory of seeing her opened up and vigorously pulled this way and that, like zombies savaging a carcass was relatively short-lived. Never impacted my desire.
Our pregnancy was pretty much planned. It wasn't prevented. We wanted a child. We just didn't expect it to happen the first week we started trying! I really don't think childbirth is the reason. Our sex life declined over a year ago. He doesn't see gruesome things at work - he's a Hotshot for the Forest Service. So he just plays with wild fire. He does treat me the same outside of the bedroom.
I brought it all to his attention...and he told me his "reasons" and I pretty much blew holes in them all. So it comes down to he doesn't know why his libido has gone down. He attempted to redeem himself that day. Then last night and tonight...it's back to what it's been. That didn't last long!
Lack of Sex 
