Can't fake it til' make it and it eats me alive knowing he's dying inside
Brief, short to point background: H and I married 12 yrs, together 18. Over last 1-2 years, slowly my sexual desire for him has diminished. Through counseling, we have learned our love languages are opposite, which appears to be normal for most. He is physical, I am quality.
Well, when I do meet 'part' of the physical need, I can tell by his actions it's either not enough, or not up to his expectations and then it feels like a further set back.
Example: Had a nice weekend. A 'quality time' weekend. With that said, MY love language has been met. Right? Yes, BUT, even though it was met, I still did not develope that desired feeling to meet his. Again, nice weekend. Sunday A.M. woke up early, he lying behind me, rubbing me, massaging me, just making me relaxed. As he is doing that, I start to think to self, 'rub him back, be in the moment and give this relaxed feling back.' So I do. It leads to me stroking him, and all of a sudden he stops me and says, 'this isn't about me.' So I stop, he continues, I fall back asleep. So wake up, go to church as family, spend day together running errands, come home, clean a bit, he does some things with our daughter...it turns into a typical yet comfortable and relaxing day for all of us.
After put daughter to bed, we snuggled, watched a little tv. The snuggling and just touching feeling safe and comforted, that to me is like sex to him. So, we go to bed. He lies there with hands up over head, in the stance of what came to mind the 'don't touch me syndrome'. Kinda like the old, when your made at each other, fighting before bed, you both get in bed, and put up that invisible wall between as to say, 'you stay on your side, I'll stay on mine'..the 'don't touch me syndrome'. We start to get ingaged in another movie. I put my legs over his, playing the footsy thing. He comments how cute and little my feet are. I laughed, and he replies with I'd now those feet anywhere, I've known them for almost 20yrs. Again, I chuckle and say, thank you. So he rolls on side, snuggles up a bit. As we watch this movie, as he's snuggled up, I'm rubbing his hand drapped over me, our bodies are close and everything is fine. Or so I thought.
He leans in, kisses me and says 'goodnite'. He's always falling asleep before me, especially when watching movies, so I kiss him back again, tell him good nite and I love him. I rub his face a bit (habit I've done for years). Lightly rub his face and head to help him relax. I've always done this during times he's suffered sinus headaches etc.
So, he now rolls over back to me. So, I roll over back to him, and finish teh movie. Within 15 maybe 20 minutes, he gets up and starts to walk out of room. I ask, 'where you going?' he says to his man bed. This is the reclyner. We call it that as in past hes had back trouble and he slept in that for almost 2 months. My daughter named it that so it's a standing 'joke' in the house.
Half hour goes by, I walk out and ask, 'Are you okay? Is your back bothering you? Want me to rub some painmed on it?' He replies with, "No, it's not that. I don't feel right back there with you. I think I'll move all my stuff upstairs." I go blank. I have nothing! My mind goes blank. I turn and go back to bed.
So, now my self talk mind, crazy mind and what I feel are millions of people in my head are trying to figure out, Is it because I didn't initiate again like I did this morning? He turned me away. Or, was that a 'set up'. A way to say, I'm giving you your need, now you give me mine..and since I didn't, since I didn't initiate...now he's mad. This is typical. It's what happens all the time. I feel the damned if I do, damned if I dont.
I know he feels the same. Then, I wake up and he's text me before work and says, "good morning, hope you have a good day know you are truly loved".
I thought, or felt, possibly this weekend was a small step of progress. Until I didn't follow through. This is what make me feel insane. I know he has needs, please understand. He deserves his needs met, I completely understand that as well. I cannot fake it. I cannot 'play' the role. Not only that, he will know. We've been together almost 20 years. He can sense my emotions, my feelings. About 3 weeks ago we did have sex. Not make love, sex. And ever since, it's been a rollercoaster. That is why I can't do the fake it til make it because if I do, it's then expected more and more and when it stops, I feel it sets me back even farther.
Never thought I'd lose my desire. I do miss it. I hate how I'm making him feel. I truly hate it.