Can't fake it til' make it and it eats me alive knowing he's dying inside
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 11-15-2010, 05:10 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Can't fake it til' make it and it eats me alive knowing he's dying inside

Brief, short to point background: H and I married 12 yrs, together 18. Over last 1-2 years, slowly my sexual desire for him has diminished. Through counseling, we have learned our love languages are opposite, which appears to be normal for most. He is physical, I am quality.

Well, when I do meet 'part' of the physical need, I can tell by his actions it's either not enough, or not up to his expectations and then it feels like a further set back.

Example: Had a nice weekend. A 'quality time' weekend. With that said, MY love language has been met. Right? Yes, BUT, even though it was met, I still did not develope that desired feeling to meet his. Again, nice weekend. Sunday A.M. woke up early, he lying behind me, rubbing me, massaging me, just making me relaxed. As he is doing that, I start to think to self, 'rub him back, be in the moment and give this relaxed feling back.' So I do. It leads to me stroking him, and all of a sudden he stops me and says, 'this isn't about me.' So I stop, he continues, I fall back asleep. So wake up, go to church as family, spend day together running errands, come home, clean a bit, he does some things with our daughter...it turns into a typical yet comfortable and relaxing day for all of us.

After put daughter to bed, we snuggled, watched a little tv. The snuggling and just touching feeling safe and comforted, that to me is like sex to him. So, we go to bed. He lies there with hands up over head, in the stance of what came to mind the 'don't touch me syndrome'. Kinda like the old, when your made at each other, fighting before bed, you both get in bed, and put up that invisible wall between as to say, 'you stay on your side, I'll stay on mine'..the 'don't touch me syndrome'. We start to get ingaged in another movie. I put my legs over his, playing the footsy thing. He comments how cute and little my feet are. I laughed, and he replies with I'd now those feet anywhere, I've known them for almost 20yrs. Again, I chuckle and say, thank you. So he rolls on side, snuggles up a bit. As we watch this movie, as he's snuggled up, I'm rubbing his hand drapped over me, our bodies are close and everything is fine. Or so I thought.

He leans in, kisses me and says 'goodnite'. He's always falling asleep before me, especially when watching movies, so I kiss him back again, tell him good nite and I love him. I rub his face a bit (habit I've done for years). Lightly rub his face and head to help him relax. I've always done this during times he's suffered sinus headaches etc.

So, he now rolls over back to me. So, I roll over back to him, and finish teh movie. Within 15 maybe 20 minutes, he gets up and starts to walk out of room. I ask, 'where you going?' he says to his man bed. This is the reclyner. We call it that as in past hes had back trouble and he slept in that for almost 2 months. My daughter named it that so it's a standing 'joke' in the house.

Half hour goes by, I walk out and ask, 'Are you okay? Is your back bothering you? Want me to rub some painmed on it?' He replies with, "No, it's not that. I don't feel right back there with you. I think I'll move all my stuff upstairs." I go blank. I have nothing! My mind goes blank. I turn and go back to bed.

So, now my self talk mind, crazy mind and what I feel are millions of people in my head are trying to figure out, Is it because I didn't initiate again like I did this morning? He turned me away. Or, was that a 'set up'. A way to say, I'm giving you your need, now you give me mine..and since I didn't, since I didn't initiate...now he's mad. This is typical. It's what happens all the time. I feel the damned if I do, damned if I dont.

I know he feels the same. Then, I wake up and he's text me before work and says, "good morning, hope you have a good day know you are truly loved".

I thought, or felt, possibly this weekend was a small step of progress. Until I didn't follow through. This is what make me feel insane. I know he has needs, please understand. He deserves his needs met, I completely understand that as well. I cannot fake it. I cannot 'play' the role. Not only that, he will know. We've been together almost 20 years. He can sense my emotions, my feelings. About 3 weeks ago we did have sex. Not make love, sex. And ever since, it's been a rollercoaster. That is why I can't do the fake it til make it because if I do, it's then expected more and more and when it stops, I feel it sets me back even farther.

Never thought I'd lose my desire. I do miss it. I hate how I'm making him feel. I truly hate it.
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Old 11-15-2010, 06:28 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't fake it til' make it and it eats me alive knowing he's dying inside

Have you been to see your doctor? Maybe it is your contraceptive pill or some hormonal issue? Also I find exercise gets me and my missus more in the mood.
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Old 11-15-2010, 08:37 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't fake it til' make it and it eats me alive knowing he's dying inside

I'm on the receiving (rather, non-receiving) end, too. I absolutely do not understand the concept of "can't" when it comes to meeting such a simple need. There are hundreds of things I do all the time that I don't feel excited about but they are important to my wife, so I do them. I ask for two things. I'd like my wife to prepare breakfast on Saturday and I'd like to have some sort of sexual contact once a week. We're talking maybe one hour of her total time out of an entire week and that's apparently asking too much because she doesn't even attempt to do either.
She has loads of expectations from me and I try to meet every one. What gives? Why is her happiness always more important than mine? Naturally, if she were sick or injured and couldn't perform, I'd deal with it. She's perfectly healthy enough to do anything she wishes to do. If even some homeless stranger needs something, she drops everything and is Johnny-on-the-spot. Why do I always end up the absolute last priority on her list?
If you have a job, you fake it all the time. Sometimes you're on top of your game and sometimes you just put on a happy face and do what the job requires. In 49 years, I have never been in a position where I could just not do something expected of me. I've been shot at, cut, rocketed, mortared, beat on, worked at least two jobs most of my life, but never been in a position that I could just say, "I aint doing" or "I aint going". You are physically able to do pretty much anything he might need. His needs aren't a mystery to you. You know and you can. You won't and there's a huge difference between "won't" and "can't".
I have all but entirely given up on even approaching mine for sex or intimacy. I'm not making any more deals or compromises. Frustration comes from expecting "A" but getting "B". I'll just not expect anything and accept the situation for what it is....basically a business arrangement. We work and share a house. No expectations = no frustrations.
Your husband has been conditioned to expect rejection from you. You did that and probably spent a lot of time conditioning him. In a marriage, a husband should view his wife as a loving, compassionate, nurturing partner. He probably views you as the person who willfully denies him simple basic legitimate needs and who causes him to feel frustrated, deprived, ugly, and inadequate every day. Naturally, now when you make some overt romantic gesture, it seems surreal or fake to him. Charlie Brown doesn't trust Lucy to hold the football. Lucy would have to really go out of her way to win back that trust and it would take time.
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Old 11-15-2010, 08:44 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't fake it til' make it and it eats me alive knowing he's dying inside

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Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
I'm on the receiving (rather, non-receiving) end, too. I absolutely do not understand the concept of "can't" when it comes to meeting such a simple need. There are hundreds of things I do all the time that I don't feel excited about but they are important to my wife, so I do them. I ask for two things. I'd like my wife to prepare breakfast on Saturday and I'd like to have some sort of sexual contact once a week. We're talking maybe one hour of her total time out of an entire week and that's apparently asking too much because she doesn't even attempt to do either.
She has loads of expectations from me and I try to meet every one. What gives? Why is her happiness always more important than mine? Naturally, if she were sick or injured and couldn't perform, I'd deal with it. She's perfectly healthy enough to do anything she wishes to do. If even some homeless stranger needs something, she drops everything and is Johnny-on-the-spot. Why do I always end up the absolute last priority on her list?
If you have a job, you fake it all the time. Sometimes you're on top of your game and sometimes you just put on a happy face and do what the job requires. In 49 years, I have never been in a position where I could just not do something expected of me. I've been shot at, cut, rocketed, mortared, beat on, worked at least two jobs most of my life, but never been in a position that I could just say, "I aint doing" or "I aint going". You are physically able to do pretty much anything he might need. His needs aren't a mystery to you. You know and you can. You won't and there's a huge difference between "won't" and "can't".
I have all but entirely given up on even approaching mine for sex or intimacy. I'm not making any more deals or compromises. Frustration comes from expecting "A" but getting "B". I'll just not expect anything and accept the situation for what it is....basically a business arrangement. We work and share a house. No expectations = no frustrations.
Your husband has been conditioned to expect rejection from you. You did that and probably spent a lot of time conditioning him. In a marriage, a husband should view his wife as a loving, compassionate, nurturing partner. He probably views you as the person who willfully denies him simple basic legitimate needs and who causes him to feel frustrated, deprived, ugly, and inadequate every day. Naturally, now when you make some overt romantic gesture, it seems surreal or fake to him. Charlie Brown doesn't trust Lucy to hold the football. Lucy would have to really go out of her way to win back that trust and it would take time.
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Old 11-15-2010, 03:24 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't fake it til' make it and it eats me alive knowing he's dying inside

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Have you been to see your doctor? Maybe it is your contraceptive pill or some hormonal issue? Also I find exercise gets me and my missus more in the mood.
Yes, jamesa. My OB said since my menstrul is still considered 'regular' for my age he won't do hormonal test. My primary physician feels its depression related and put me on anitdepressant. Just staring my 3rd week and not a huge difference other than I feel more 'calm/relaxed'.

Before if H said he didn't feel right with me in bed, I'd get defensive or try to make him understand I'm not avoiding sex on purpose to hurt him or upset him. Now, when he makes comments, I go numb. Loss for words anymore.
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Old 11-15-2010, 03:44 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't fake it til' make it and it eats me alive knowing he's dying inside

Unbelievable:
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I ask for two things. I'd like my wife to prepare breakfast on Saturday and I'd like to have some sort of sexual contact once a week.
We both do lots for each other when it comes to Acts of Service or Affirmation. We do not 'make deals/request'. Personally feel if our love is turned into 'Lets make a deal' just to be happy, then what does that truly say about us as partners, companions? We should do things for eachother because we want to, chose to. Not for reward of sex. Just how I feel right now.

Quote:
Why do I always end up the absolute last priority on her list?
H is not last on priority list. But sex is. I still touch him. We sit and snuggle lots, we hug each day when I get home, we kiss each day and night.

Quote:
Your husband has been conditioned to expect rejection from you. You did that and probably spent a lot of time conditioning him. In a marriage, a husband should view his wife as a loving, compassionate, nurturing partner. He probably views you as the person who willfully denies him simple basic legitimate needs and who causes him to feel frustrated, deprived, ugly, and inadequate every day. Naturally, now when you make some overt romantic gesture, it seems surreal or fake to him.
We have conditioned each other. He does feel I'm loving, compassionate and nuturing. I've been known to be over board on those traits. That's what's difficult, it doesn't lead to desire. It does seem fake. And it would still be fake if I did it as a request. Yes, we do fake lots of things as you stated. And no I won't and can't fake what is a very emotional passionate romantic connection for me with sex.

Even if I decided 1x a week I will fake it, force myself mentally to have sex or pleasure him, it will be expected right away again and if it's not, it's back to square one. Our issues are not all sex. They go deeper and back years. Just all surfaced at once. But I feel, H feels, if I could just desire him like I did when I was 23, everything will be all better.

Last edited by mentallydrained; 11-15-2010 at 03:51 PM.
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Old 11-15-2010, 04:07 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't fake it til' make it and it eats me alive knowing he's dying inside

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My primary physician feels its depression related and put me on anitdepressant. Just staring my 3rd week and not a huge difference other than I feel more 'calm/relaxed'.
Anti-depressants are known for further lowering one's sex drive, further inhibiting orgasm. Wellbutrin in one that is different & can increase a woman's drive. Maybe ask your DOC if you can be treated with this one. It could save your marraige.

Whatever underlying issues have brought the 2 of you to this place, really needs sorted out. When you love someone deeply, you desire to please them , it is not work at all. It makes you happy & feels good inside to make them happy.

Resentment, what has he done that you are still keeping score with? Does he realize that you are still holding on to these things ?
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Old 11-15-2010, 04:15 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't fake it til' make it and it eats me alive knowing he's dying inside

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Yes, we do fake lots of things as you stated. And no I won't and can't fake what is a very emotional passionate romantic connection for me with sex.
That right there is the problem. You clearly state how you 'value' sex. But you're kidding yourself. You don't feel those things by your own admission, but you choose not to reduce the value either. A hand job, blow job, co masturbating, a playful strip-tease. None of those things cost a great deal in terms of an investment in intimacy - but could easily lead you there. But you won't do it if you don't feel it. Vicious cycle.

Although part of it is your husband's fault as well. He needs to flat out tell you what his expectations are, because he is busy trying to send out the right signals without sounding like a horn-dog - and then he gets frustrated when you don't pick up the queues. He fully expected you to come onto him in the scenario you outlined. When he rolled over to sleep? That was your last and biggest invitation to demonstrate to him that you were more invested in how HE felt, rather than watching a movie. I'm not saying your wrong - I'm just telling you, you missed it.

I know this story. We didn't make it. And yes it is sad - especially when you're on the train and can clearly see the end of the line, but still can't, or won't do anything to keep it from crashing off the rails.
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Old 11-15-2010, 05:18 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't fake it til' make it and it eats me alive knowing he's dying inside

While it sounds like there is some complacency going on(there are some good posts on that here: have you ever been in a rut?)

I also have to say this sounds like what I call the never-ending-spacious-cycle. The reason he's dying inside is because in his mind you no longer want him, and because he's dying inside you no longer see in him what you once did.

My advice? Go attack him...jump his bones constantly until you start to feel what it is that you want from him(what you used to feel) , it will happen but not without you taking steps to make it happen.
Even if I decided 1x a week I will fake it, force myself mentally to have sex or pleasure him, it will be expected right away again and if it's not, it's back to square one. is a defeatist attitude. This is one thing he cannot fix for you guys, don't feel insane wondering IF he wants you to please him. Know that he does and go do it.

For months he has been driven crazy wondering what's wrong with him and now he's in a state of depression because not only is he texting you he loves you and giving you rubs and showing you he cares but you LET him casually move out of your bedroom.


He's lost, go help him find himself.




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Old 11-15-2010, 09:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't fake it til' make it and it eats me alive knowing he's dying inside

Your husband has been conditioned to expect rejection from you. You did that and probably spent a lot of time conditioning him. In a marriage, a husband should view his wife as a loving, compassionate, nurturing partner. He probably views you as the person who willfully denies him simple basic legitimate needs and who causes him to feel frustrated, deprived, ugly, and inadequate every day. Naturally, now when you make some overt romantic gesture, it seems surreal or fake to him.\


Absolutely spot on unbelievable!
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Old 11-15-2010, 09:04 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't fake it til' make it and it eats me alive knowing he's dying inside

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That right there is the problem. You clearly state how you 'value' sex. But you're kidding yourself. You don't feel those things by your own admission, but you choose not to reduce the value either. A hand job, blow job, co masturbating, a playful strip-tease. None of those things cost a great deal in terms of an investment in intimacy - but could easily lead you there. But you won't do it if you don't feel it. Vicious cycle.

Although part of it is your husband's fault as well. He needs to flat out tell you what his expectations are, because he is busy trying to send out the right signals without sounding like a horn-dog - and then he gets frustrated when you don't pick up the queues. He fully expected you to come onto him in the scenario you outlined. When he rolled over to sleep? That was your last and biggest invitation to demonstrate to him that you were more invested in how HE felt, rather than watching a movie. I'm not saying your wrong - I'm just telling you, you missed it.

I know this story. We didn't make it. And yes it is sad - especially when you're on the train and can clearly see the end of the line, but still can't, or won't do anything to keep it from crashing off the rails.
Deejo you rock!
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Old 11-15-2010, 10:13 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't fake it til' make it and it eats me alive knowing he's dying inside

He gave you what you wanted, he met your needs "quality time" weekend. When it came time to show appreciation by meeting his needs, you failed.

He wants you to pursue him. Husband lying in bed with hands behind his head to me means he wants to be licked, bit, something.

When he was in the recliner and he mentioned moving out of the bedroom, you turned and left him there. The message sent "ok by me." That cut deeply. If my h did that or said that there would be some sh!t hit the fan.

You say you can't fake it, soon he won't either.
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Old 11-15-2010, 10:40 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't fake it til' make it and it eats me alive knowing he's dying inside

If you met a mother with a baby in the stroller and you looked in the stroller to see an obviously malnourished tiny bag of bones, and this mother explained that she didn't feel hungry so she didn't feed the baby, you'd hardly call her compassionate or loving. You'd probably find her incredibly cruel and logically would report her to the police. The baby can't feed itself. Your husband has you to meet his sexual/intimacy needs. He can't go elsewhere without committing adultary. If sex is last on your priority list but it's high on his, then, your husband is last on your priority list. He has a need. He's not asking for anything other than the absolute basic minimum service required of every woman who wishes to even legally be considered "wife", not a "good wife", not a "great wife" just a barely legally acceptable one. Yeah, if you "give in", he will likely expect you to do so in the future. If he goes to work today, he'll probably have to go back again tomorrow. If the mother feeds the baby today, she'll have to feed it again. It would be great if it were always spontaneous and mutually earth-shaking. Even if it isn't, it's still your responsibility. You signed up for it and I doubt you are willing to relinquish that job to some other woman.
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Old 11-16-2010, 03:40 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't fake it til' make it and it eats me alive knowing he's dying inside

I don't think women have any idea what this does to their man. To their marriage. All the things you do all day are more important than him. You don't care about his needs, you don't desire him, you don't love him.

He is going to either pack it in and live in a loveless marriage or go find love somewhere else.
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Old 11-16-2010, 08:14 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can't fake it til' make it and it eats me alive knowing he's dying inside

I'd also make the point that man...woman, it doesn't matter. The partner who is constantly rejected sexually will eventually distance themselves in other ways. In my case, hubby "wasn't into" sex and eventually I cut off the affection too, because to me it was just a tease. Less physical connection and the resentment from that led to less interest in doing other things together and now we rarely speak about anything significant, never touch and I plan to leave after the holidays. And in the interim coming to that decision, I've had two affairs because a life without feeling loved or desired is just miserable and I had this idea that I could have one "box" in my life where I had affection and passion and one "box" where I had the nice marriage that you're supposed to have for everyone to see.

It's not just about men being horny and women "having" to bear that burden, it's about real needs not being met and the consequences of that.
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