Husband obsessed with Porn and Dating sites
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 11-17-2010, 11:22 PM   #1 (permalink)
ejb
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Default Husband obsessed with Porn and Dating sites

Why is it guys seem to think porn, sex and dating sites don't hurt their wife's or partners. My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years we have a beautiful boy and another bub on the way. And even after 8 years we are still having problems with porn. But recently I found a dating website with a statement 'seperated with 1 child, working away from home and looking for company in my hotel room', ok given the dating site was activated 7 months before I found it, he had recently opened it checked the status and signed up to other dating and porn sites. I have to say my biggest problem with the dating sites is that you just never know what else has been happening, I now have trust issues with my husband that I have never had before and it really hurts.
I'm 7 months pregnant now and ok I haven't been as willing for sex as what he'd like but thats nothing new, when will he get it through his thick heads it's not all about him and his desires. He needs to stop and think about me for once! I have never been ok with porn, it's degrading and I think it degrades the integrity of the one watching it. My biggest problem with it and it's something my husband knows is that I have always had self-esteem issues about my body and I'll give him that his always been really supportive, don't get me wrong I'm not an extreamist but there's alot I'm uncomfortable about my body which stems from being raped when I was 13. Now my self-esteem issues lie with the fact that if his watching the porn then it makes me feel as though I'm not good enough, my bums too big or my boobs arn't big enough or I'm not skinny enough.
I have always been prepared to do what he wants in the bedroom excluding a couple things, we have even made our own movie but I just feel as though the porn is giving him everything I'm not or could never be. I'd prefer him to get off over our movie at least then I know his not thinking of another woman, how am I to know his not thinking of the porn woman when we are having sex?
His excuse is I'm a guy, we have urges, thats what guys do and there's nothing wrong with that! Am I crazy or is there not something called self control, I mean he even dose it at work, he stays away two nights a week and I always make sure he gets his booty call the night before. What is it, male insite please. I have alot of male friends and they all think his perverted and childish, are they just being friends?
I still have allot of problems with the dating site but I guess it's just something I'll never know so there's no point worrying about it, or am I just being stupid. It just feels if he can lie about the porn and dating sites what else has he done in the last 8 years that I don't know about. I just don't know what to do anymore I have made so many changes in myself, I was never able to be seen naked infront of him or change infront of him, now I walk around naked just for him, we always had to do it under the covers as I didn't want him to judge my body, now his got a home movie and he can see everything. I feel like I've made so many changes and sacrifices when will he make some and it's only the porn and dating sites I ask him to give up is that to much.
It seems the only time we ever have and argument or fight is over sex. He always try's for it at the end of the night usually midnight when I'm exhausted after working and looking after our 4year old son, cooking and cleaning for him or when my monthly visit comes, or when I'm sick. Sorry but how much enjoyment can he really get out of it if I'm on the edge of passing out, throwing up or am in that much pain I can't lay straight. Have lost count how many times I have tried talking to him about it all, timing, porn and dating sites. It's always the same, I have urges and I'm a guy I need what I need.
Is there something seriously wrong with me or is there something wrong with him? Help!
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Old 11-18-2010, 01:03 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband obsessed with Porn and Dating sites

Being a married man with a 2nd child on the way, he should NOT be on dating sites, this is #1, he is wrong here & this needs to stop. This is outragously disrespectful to you & the children and can only lead to bad things.

The porn I am going to be a little less nasty about. I am a wife who enjoys it myself (the softer stuff), In fact if my husband all of a sudden got religious and wanted me to quit watching it, I would have a problem !

Men are very visual, God created them that way, he also gave them TESTOSTERONE raging through their systems - this is what drives them to want sex, and more sex, more kinky sex, looking at naked women, their aggressive tendencies. It is what it is. Much of this is hormone related, they have levels well beyond women, it makes them almost HURT if they are not getting enough "release" sexually . You WILL NOT understand this unless you are a man.

I understand you have some self-esteem issues, you worry about him thinking of these naked porn stars over you when he is with you. All women feel this way, this is a normal reaction, I am not trying to make light of his behaviour in the face of your pain. IN reality, even good faithful loving husbands who adore their wives, even if their wives look like MODELS --they still want to veiw MORE naked women!! I have seen threads like this on this site attesting to this fact. When he says this is a Guy thing, he really is not lying.

He may say he will stop to put an end to the arguing or nagging - but if he is doing it only out of compulsion, belittling, he is more likely to just start HIDING it. He has to want /desire to stop himself. Great book about this battle in marraiges here: Amazon.com: Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship (9780981874388): Victoria Prater, Garry Prater: Books: Reviews, Prices & more This book can help him understand how YOU are feeling as well as you gaining a better understanding of the male persceptive.

Do you feel he is addicted ? Has he ever used PORN in place of you, meaning YOU wanted sex and he didn't have anything left for you cause he released it to a porn site?? If so, this is a HUge marraige NO NO. This would be very very wrong. >>> BUT it sounds to me like his sex drive is much higher than yours, you as much admitted you often feel sick , exhausted , he wants it at midnight, you are too tired, and it is not all about sex, he needs to wake up.
So he might be feeling frsutrated and then he seeks porn as a reliever.

At one time I hated porn, my good husband knew I hated it so he just hid it from me, I would catch him & post scriptures to the computer. He never denied me sexually , he never used it in replace of me, he is a good husband/man, and now we watch it together, so maybe you and him can find some middle ground as you muddle through this.
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Old 11-18-2010, 04:09 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband obsessed with Porn and Dating sites

Thank you for your extensive reply! I understand about urges and him wanting to satisfy them and that is exactly why we have made home movies together and just of me, I've have erotic photo's taken for him. What I don't understand is why he doesn't use them? Ok I'm no porn star but they were erotic and certainly weren't the norm from our usual bedroom encounters. I have spoken to him on numerous occasion on how the porn makes me feel and as I've said I have made drastic changes for his benefit, increased sexual encounters from once a week or fortnight to two to three times a week, I've changed every part of me that made me uncomfortable to satisfy him, I do the dress up in his favorite outfits and even fantasy, all I'm asking him to do is at least use what we've created together instead of looking else where, at least then when we're having sex I'm not wondering if his thinking about other women.
As for the dating sites I've gone into all that I could find in his email accounts and cancelled them and removed them from his emails. I've spoken to him about it and he seems really sorry but then I find more google searches for sites like f*ckbook and GetIton, and he says he was just looking at pic's to get his rocks off. What am I suppose to do about that? His using different user names and passwords that he wasn't using before.
His just gone to work and have left him a 7 page A4 letter for him to read, have band the computer and internet so at least I know he won't be getting up to anything tonight, but how long can you ban something like a computer and internet from a grown man with out the time old comment 'You treat me like a child!'
As for the book advice don't know how many self-help marriage guides I've read and they all say the same, every guy is different but the same they all have urges and some are just some that need to be explored, exactly the reason for the home movies and photos.
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Old 11-18-2010, 06:01 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband obsessed with Porn and Dating sites

I am not sure why you would have such an issue with porn, but the dating sites are a different matter. If he is saying that he is separated and away from home etc it means he wants to be unfaithful.

Porn use is now so ubiquitous as to be considered 'normal' amongst men, but looking for other women on a dating site is the first step to being unfaithful.
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Old 11-18-2010, 07:44 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband obsessed with Porn and Dating sites

my guess as a guy, the only reason why he is in dating sites is because he is looking for an outlet to talk or chat his sorrows/boredom away. the issue here is not about him going to this sites and porno, i think there need to be more open communication with 1 another to understand each other better.
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Old 11-18-2010, 09:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband obsessed with Porn and Dating sites

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Thank you for your extensive reply! I understand about urges and him wanting to satisfy them and that is exactly why we have made home movies together and just of me, I've have erotic photo's taken for him. What I don't understand is why he doesn't use them?

Men want variety to look at!! It is the nature of their beast. My husband took those kinds of pics of me too, and a movie or 2while we was on vacation, but looking at the same thing day in day out, would be like watching the same Romantic movie over & over & over again. Even Us women wouldn't want that .

Again, my liberal thoughts on this porn issue are for men in general, not all of them are unfaithful & intentially hurtful to their wives.

But your man is having an obsessive tendency to want to talk to other women, dating sights, etc. He is either missing something from the relationship, some flirting maybe he wants from your end, more initiation (3 times a week is not enough for alot of guys, especially when younger), or he has some kind of addiction for attention from other women, that is fueling his ego.

What do you think it is ,has he ever told you what he wants more from you, what he feels he is missing, if he knows himself -so he is not compelled to seek out female interaction
online.

I hate to even admit this , but when my sex drive went up, I thought I had an addiction, even posted on an addiction site & feeling as I did at that time, my husband was NOT flirting enough with me, my erotic mind was in OVERDRIVE. If I was single, I would have gotten myself in an awful lot of trouble.

I even had a short stint where I made a profile on a dating site once when I was upset with my husband one morning. It only lasted 3 days & I deleted it, told him about the whole thing, it was accually a pretty enlightening experience where some man ended up counseling ME on what a beautiful marraige I had. I will never forget our conversation, I even wrote down his words to me & kept them. He was like an angel. Even though I did wrong, I learned from it.

The attention was rather exciting, even stimulating. This was so NOT like me!! Never done anything like this in my life - very out of character - I just say this to you - as I found it almost CRAZY what a HIGH sex drive may drive you too. Your husband is probably a little out of control right now ---

BUt why is the question? Is this something new, has he always been this way ?

Now sure how you reign him in other than ALOT of attention at home. Taking things off of him , like you already feel , can only last so long.

Last edited by SimplyAmorous; 11-18-2010 at 10:48 AM.
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Old 11-18-2010, 02:33 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband obsessed with Porn and Dating sites

I have dealt with this with my husband of 25 years and it is still an issue now and then. Why...I don't even know. Like you, I am open, willing, extremely adventurous (read my other posts), but it has never stopped the porn or dating sites. Like your husband, mine had put on there that he was divorced and/or single. News to me!

I've confronted him, he doesn't deny the porn, but has denied the dating sites (like I'm an idiot and I can't read). I know for a fact that nothing has happened and it probably won't, but I have yet to understand the motive. I thought it started this year, but eventually found out he set one up in 2004 (even though he's never been back to it). He doesn't pay for any of them so he can't read most of the messages (such as match.com, fling.com, etc.). In fact, when looking at the dating sites, he doesn't even go back to them after he's set them up - weird.

At this point, I tend to agree with malmale ref my husband. He has medical issues, can't work and gets bored. The more bored he gets, the more he surfs, the more occupied he is, the less he surfs.

Now don't get me wrong - I've just given up trying to figure it out now, but it threw me for a loop for several months - almost destroying my self-esteem and confidence. I lost weight, quit sleeping and ended up in counseling (which I'm still in) and on medication. But - I've come out on the other end stronger and no longer take it personally and it doesn't bother me like it used to.

Getting rid of the internet, etc., is not going to change things - he'll just find another way to get on. The change is going to have to come from him and if he's not willing to change - then you have to decide if you can accept him as is or not.
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Old 11-18-2010, 03:55 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband obsessed with Porn and Dating sites

Porn and sex are ok ;-), dating website ok if ur single lol
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Old 11-18-2010, 04:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Ok I think I've got what I need about the dating sites, I am right it is wrong and it needs to stop.
BUT I still have the issue with the porn, I'm sorry male instinct, animal nature call it what you want, what about having enough respect for me not to do something he knows hurts me so much. I understood a long time ago this was going to be a problem for him and hence why the home movies, and I get the issue of he might get bored with the same thing all the time again hence why we have done a couple but then the question now pops up if it's so easy for him to get bored with the same old home movies we have made who's to say his not just bored with the same old me (26 isn't old is it?), and why do men keep the same old porn for years and years sometime only two or three, we've made more than that.
Malmale thank you and I think you are write, he has no friends, he goes to work and comes home, I only have 2 friends of my own and always feel guilty when I talk to them and meet up with them because he doesn't have that, his not interested in sports or social groups, he talks to people via forums and thats not enough for anyone. I've tried to get him out and meeting people but his just not interested, any suggestion on what I could try. His very intelligent and most people don't like that about him, he can play the 'I know everything card' and doesn't understand you can't be like that with people, he doesn't have very good social skills.
Obsessive I think is the problem, his had many addictions over the years including drugs (now stopped) and I think it's just his personality, he becomes addicted to ideas and opinion expressed in forums and goes on about them for months, is that normal or should he seek help?
I just feel I have always been the one to make changes for his benefit and sacrificed how I feel and who I am for him all I want is for him to make this sacrifice for me and use our movies not some other women. Sacrifice is a part of life I think Im just sick of being the only one that is prepared to make them. I would love to live the care free life as much as him but someone has to be the adult in the relationship.
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Old 11-19-2010, 04:15 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Here is my rule about porn, DON'T HIDE IT!!! It was hard for my DH to realize that i truly don't care if he watches porn, even tho i told him many times so he always tried to hide it, but i really seriously don't care unless i'm not getting any, then i would care. we are now open about it, i know where he keeps in on the computer, we've watched it together several times...no big deal to me. Now dating sites are a different story, that is the intention to cheat, so it's so different...but porn, c'mon it's a freakin picture. if they don't watch porn they will be fantasizing about someone in there heads, probably someone you know, or a past g/f or something...i would prefer porn.
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Old 11-19-2010, 05:57 AM   #11 (permalink)
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but porn, c'mon it's a freakin picture. if they don't watch porn they will be fantasizing about someone in there heads, probably someone you know, or a past g/f or something...i would prefer porn.
Well said.
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Old 11-19-2010, 12:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Well said.
totally agree. i think it is unreasonable to expect a man not to J/O. That said he will use a visual in his head or one in front of him. If i am a women i would rather him look at someone he will likely never meet then someone he knows.

On the other hand. I personally don't think ANY married man should visit a dating site let alone post somthing there. Others have cited bordom, addictions or whatever. I say BULLS$%*! I would be very sceptical of your husbands intentions on being fathful regardless what you may think or he may say.

I would snoop or spy to make sure you don't wind up with a disease. I believe that some people's ability to decieve is beyond our comprehension. Your husband by his actions has lost any right to privacy.

Good luck
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Old 11-20-2010, 01:14 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Ok I don't think I'm going to win this debt about porn nor are any of you really reading or understanding why I have a problem with it. Since my original thread posting I have written my husband an 8 page A4 letter outlining all issues I have dating sites, porn and the all the lies I have done this so my emotions don't get in the way and he could read them in a calm manner and go over them a few times to full understand the repercussions of his actions. We have decided to sit down and talk about it tonight. Give me strength not to fly off the handle and remain calm especially about the dating sites. I can appreciate where alot of you are coming from in relation to the porn but that is something I don't think I can ever be so understanding with, alot of you have posted emotional cheating I put the porn in that category. Thank you for all advice given and will post back when we have discussed it maybe it might give insight to someone else having the same problems. Wish me luck!
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Old 11-20-2010, 07:38 AM   #14 (permalink)
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in relation to the porn but that is something I don't think I can ever be so understanding with, alot of you have posted emotional cheating I put the porn in that category.
I think it would do well for all couples even thinking about getting married to make absolute sure THIS particular topic is discussed BEFORE they tie the knot, how the wife views a little porn.

IF this IS indeed a "deal breaker" for the wife, looked upon as BADLY as trying to hook up on a dating site, either the engaged husband should find religion fast & renounce his former ways 100% (God help him , even Christian men struggle), or hope like He** that his wife is a seductress every day for the rest of his marraige (what is the chances of that ?), or he WILL inevitably start hiding, she will discover, the fighting begins & secretly lying to his wife to avoid the fights - for not undrerstanding him. This likely will not end. I say these things cause my husband is not even a high Testosterone man, he is more "self controlled" than anyone I have ever known and the most faithful and he hid it from me .

Here is a Christian forum that is 100% AGAINST porn in every way, shape & form. If you want others to agree with you - go here -plenty of advice, the 1st thing they will tell you is he must be "born again" or he wont be able to lick it. It is very interesting to note that out of all the subjects struggled with on this sexual Christian forum, the PORN section has the hightest # of posts !

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Old 11-22-2010, 06:27 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband obsessed with Porn and Dating sites

All I'm going to say is that I'd be much more concerned about the dating sites over the porn sites. But porn addiction can be a true problem, and if it's affecting your relationship, then it needs to be dealt with somehow.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you two.

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