Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Wow, you guys were pretty harsh on the original poster. While yes her words sounds cruel...I for one can relate. This is pretty much how I feel about my husband. At least you are still having sex with him. To me that shows some selflessness. You could just refuse it like many women do. I know for me one BIG reason which may sound shallow to some is my husband's physical appearance. He was thinner when we dated but by no means fit or thin. However he has ballooned to 250-260lbs at 6'3". He won't even give an exercise and diet regimen a true attempt yet he complains about how he looks and feels. Meanwhile I have had ups and downs in my weight with two pregnancies but have consistently worked out and watched my diet to maintain a good weight and at times even be quite fit. I am repulsed by his naked body. I have to detatch to some degree and fantasize to enjoy sex. The more years that go by that he doesn't even try to change this (not to mention some health issues cropping up because of it) the more bitter I get.
On the other hand I also completely agree that a lot of it could be emotional. I have also lost attraction to my husband intelectually and emotionally over the years because we got married very young. As we grew up, we grew apart in our beliefs, views, opinions, etc. It has been hard staying together. I too was in a vulnerable place when we got together so I can relate to being a bit desperate for some security. This is of course my personal situation. I don't know what you can do now other than really analyze the root of why you feel that way and then have an honest discussion with him about it...and they maybe go to counseling???
It's not only shallow, but unreasonable.
Why would anyone expect someone to NOT CHANGE PHYSICALLY as they age?
Do you look EXACTLY the same as you did when he married you? No lines on your face, no thinning hair, same exact body (unmarred by childbirth), tight skin, same weight, etc.?
Sorry - but I get pissed off when people say "well - he/she doesn't look like they did when I married them!" No kidding - I was 25 when I married - I'm now 51 - you damn right I don't look the same - if I did, then it means I spent a lot of money on plastic surgery.
Hopefully that's just a "small" reason why you are not attracted to your husband anymore and it's more about growing apart.
So why do you stay?
Do yourself and him a favor and let him go. Does he know how you feel?
I wouldn't stay if my husband told me he was no longer attracted to me - you can't fake or force that - I wouldn't be able to change enough for him.
Your giving the poor guy false hope, holding out on sex until he starts complaining he's not getting enough then dressing up, using toys and doing it in random spots. He has no idea! Take it from a guy, if my wife did that stuff every time I complained about our sex life, I'd think every thing was perfect!! He thinks he can complain then he gets all this special treatment. I feel for you guys, maybe it was doomed from the start and maybe just maybe, you knew that.
I am in the same boat as asdfgh and Miss Smiley. I'm not attracted to my husband either, but it's not JUST physically - there's no attraction on ANY level. When we got married, I thought I was in love, but so much has gone under the bridge, and it's his personality that really makes him ugly to me. He has anger management problems, is lazy, is crude and rude, just a lot of stuff. No physical abuse, but some verbal and mean things are said between us. I'm no angel, but I do respect people, which he does not. I've told him 6 years ago that I'm not IN love with him, but we're still here in the same house. We have not made love in years. But he doesn't leave. He has nowhere to go, blah, blah, blah. His job doesn't pay enough for him to be on his own. The house is mine and my children's - not community property. He cannot be happy here, and I know I'm not happy at all. How do I get him to just leave????
I am in the same boat as asdfgh and Miss Smiley. I'm not attracted to my husband either, but it's not JUST physically - there's no attraction on ANY level. When we got married, I thought I was in love, but so much has gone under the bridge, and it's his personality that really makes him ugly to me. He has anger management problems, is lazy, is crude and rude, just a lot of stuff. No physical abuse, but some verbal and mean things are said between us. I'm no angel, but I do respect people, which he does not. I've told him 6 years ago that I'm not IN love with him, but we're still here in the same house. We have not made love in years. But he doesn't leave. He has nowhere to go, blah, blah, blah. His job doesn't pay enough for him to be on his own. The house is mine and my children's - not community property. He cannot be happy here, and I know I'm not happy at all. How do I get him to just leave????
So why exactly should he leave? Because you want him to?
Seems to me your only option to force it to talk to a lawyer and see what your options are, based on your exact situation and where you live. Then make it happen.
So-no luck here on anyone feeling a loss of attraction and gaining it back? To those posting that we're shallow, married for wrong reasons, looking for a free pass...I see your pt of view but don't agree with you at all. No one can see what the future brings. My initial attraction was never shallow and there are many factors to consider other than hot sex. Who was to know that lukewarm sex could grow to a loss of desire? I honestly thought it could go the other way - could improve with time but it didn't. To say I'm looking for a free pass after learning of my mistake is cruel. There is no "free" in this situation at all. Posted via Mobile Device
I think this kind of problem almost always stems from feelings about the person in general. In other words, it is not just that he does not turn you on sexually. He does not turn you on sexually because things are not right between you in general. I was the same way with my ex husband. I met him right after a break up with a "bad boy". He was nice and dependable and I latched onto him quickly. Sex was okay, just okay at first. But as time went on it became a chore and then I could not stand it.
If you really love someone, then you are sexually attracted to them because of that I think, not because of the way they look, or how sexy they are, etc. But just becuase you love them.
It might be time to move on.
Wrong! (well, right about the moving on part)
sexual attraction can not grow from being in love with someone because you would be never be in love with that person in first place because you are not sexually attracted to them.
ive said it before and ill say it again while stories like OP's prove me right time and time again. being in love is ENTIRELY dependent on sexual attraction.
and yes, There are things a woman wants from a man that takes that sexual attraction (lust) and takes it over top to actual love....
but lose that sexual attraction and those other qualities do not mean anything. When women have non physical things on their "list" of what they want in their future man, they take the physical attraction for granted and some how fool themselves in to thinking it "doesnt matter what he looks like."
seriously ladies take your list... you know, "he has to be kind to animals, knows how to make me laugh", etc... whatever is on you list... and imagine its brad pitt who has those qualities...your totally in love right?
now take those qualities and image its "Greg, the 260 pound janitor" that has all of those qualities you want in a man... are you in love with him?
didnt think so...
Wow, so I'm not alone. This is the second marriage for both my husband and me, and we've almost made it to 18 years. Both our first marriages were short and horrible, but his produced three wonderful boys. Sadly, the eldest two got into drugs and the eldest died of an overdose on New Year's Eve Day 2005.
In the beginning (he'd been divorced 4 years, me one), I thought he was SMOKING. In fact, a lot of days I still DO, except he has packed on 25 extra pounds I'd love to see gone. He was never picky about my body but thought I had a great ass. All this is a moot point because I believe that the lack of sexual intercourse since the birth of our only child, now 15, and the loss of my job (I'm now on disabilty for a severe bipolar disorder), AND now a new battle: anorexia, have erased any sexual feelings he might have had for me. We women ALWAYS underestimate how thin we think they want us. I am currently anywhere between 103-107 at 5'4", which with untoned muscles, looks bad at 55 years of age.
I'm rambling, I'm sorry, but if any of your husbands is willing to go to marital counseling, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS! Mine outright refuses. He had a bad experience going with the first wife, I guess, and let's face it, he's just plain stubborn. He has a very mild non-chronic heart arrhythmia problem, but after getting the OK from two cardiologists, he STILL makes up excuses not to take Viagra or Cialis. We never were any great shakes in bed, and he never could kiss. I tried to show him how, but he just is terrible. I think part of my problem is that I had so many partners in my 20s, didn't get married for the first time till I was 28, and have two many GREAT lovers to compare him to. He is loyal, loving, intelligent and funny, but sex? And you can bet this girl has "lusted in her heart" more a zillion times by now. I feel so guilty about it, too!
I have no idea what to say. I went from normal/skinny when we met to muscular and V shaped today. At one time she indicated that she liked guys that looked like that, and though I didn't pursue weight lifting in order to appease her, I did pursue weight lifting. Apparently, attraction has little to do with how one looks, and more to do with how one's spouse perceives them outside of looks. Not that looks don't play some factor, but it seems to be mental more than anything else.
Most other women I find are happy to take up the slack on flirting with me though, so it's not a total wash.
I too identify with the OP and misssmiley. i'm not repulsed by my husband, in fact he is a very attractive man, but 7 years later, now in my late 20s, i realize that marrying someone with just an 'ok' chemistry/sexual attraction shortly after losing a father and a brother may not have been the best decision. What i am personally struggling with is not having that fire, spark and passion i'm now craving but have never had. He is a wonderful wonderful supportive man and is my best friend- i don't think i could ever ask for a better partner in life, but there is no fire. It's starting to really affect how i feel about myself and about him. It's really difficult to explain these things to others so i sympathize with the OP.
Does he lack it "in general" or does he have it with others but not with you?
Is he ever playful and maybe even playfully rough with you? Have you ever tried to "teach" him any of that stuff?
One of the hottest things about my W is that unpredictable mix of sugar and spice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mathcandy
I too identify with the OP and misssmiley. i'm not repulsed by my husband, in fact he is a very attractive man, but 7 years later, now in my late 20s, i realize that marrying someone with just an 'ok' chemistry/sexual attraction shortly after losing a father and a brother may not have been the best decision. What i am personally struggling with is not having that fire, spark and passion i'm now craving but have never had. He is a wonderful wonderful supportive man and is my best friend- i don't think i could ever ask for a better partner in life, but there is no fire. It's starting to really affect how i feel about myself and about him. It's really difficult to explain these things to others so i sympathize with the OP.
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Re: not attracted to my husband 
Re: not attracted to my husband 
