not attracted to my husband
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 11-19-2010, 08:35 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default not attracted to my husband

I've been with my husband for three years. To begin with I was never that attracted to him, the sex was okay a few times it was pretty good. In my head I kept blaming the bad sex life on other factors: it'll be better once my job slows down, after the wedding planning and I'm not so stressed it will get better, etc. But it hasn't and now it's to the point now where I can't muster up any sexual feelings towards my husband at all. We don't kiss before sex (my doing I can't stand to kiss him), I hate looking at him naked, I hate standing in front of him naked and I get a creepy crawly sensation when he touches me. Every few months he will complain about our sex life and then I pretend to like it more for a while wearing outfits for him and trying out toys or having sex in places other than the bed which he enjoys. Typically that is enough to keep him happy, this last time he wanted to go down on me which I always make up an reason not to let him, because again I can't stand it if he does that it's so repulsive to me to have him down there (before him with other men I've had no problem with them doing this and enjoyed it) Now he's very upset and the more I think about this the more I realize this probably isn't right and it's definitely not fair to him for me to be so grossed out by him. I just don't know how to change it. He is a nice man and he treats me well. The relationship I was in prior to this one was an abusive relationship (mostly mentally abusive and shoving he didn't beat me or hospitalize me) and when I met the man who is now my husband even though I wasn't all that attracted to him he made me feel safe and he took care of me and I knew he wouldn't treat to me bad. I think this is why I married him. Does anyone have any suggestions?
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Old 11-19-2010, 10:04 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: not attracted to my husband

You more than likely see him as a friend. You may have the brotherly love for him, or perhaps a father figure. That is why you are repulsed when you two have sex. That is why it feels "so wrong" while having sex.

I don't think one can make herself feel sexually attracted to someone. It either is there or it's not. May want to consider going your separate ways. You made a mistake, but it can be corrected.
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Old 11-19-2010, 10:23 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: not attracted to my husband

I think this kind of problem almost always stems from feelings about the person in general. In other words, it is not just that he does not turn you on sexually. He does not turn you on sexually because things are not right between you in general. I was the same way with my ex husband. I met him right after a break up with a "bad boy". He was nice and dependable and I latched onto him quickly. Sex was okay, just okay at first. But as time went on it became a chore and then I could not stand it.

If you really love someone, then you are sexually attracted to them because of that I think, not because of the way they look, or how sexy they are, etc. But just becuase you love them.

It might be time to move on.
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Old 11-19-2010, 10:28 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: not attracted to my husband

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The relationship I was in prior to this one was an abusive relationship (mostly mentally abusive and shoving he didn't beat me or hospitalize me) and when I met the man who is now my husband even though I wasn't all that attracted to him he made me feel safe and he took care of me and I knew he wouldn't treat to me bad. I think this is why I married him. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Yes, tell him you used him as a Sugar Daddy, apologize for using him this way, and then proceed to annullment/divorce because you now understand a marriage is a sexual relationship.

Then proceed to work on your own issues.

Good luck.
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Old 11-19-2010, 11:01 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: not attracted to my husband

You needed security and you found it, but the most secure places are often prisons. You can have security and passion, too. If you can't have that with your husband, do him a favor and leave him. Everyone deserves to be respected and loved. You have neither for him.
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Old 02-06-2011, 06:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Wow, you guys were pretty harsh on the original poster. While yes her words sounds cruel...I for one can relate. This is pretty much how I feel about my husband. At least you are still having sex with him. To me that shows some selflessness. You could just refuse it like many women do. I know for me one BIG reason which may sound shallow to some is my husband's physical appearance. He was thinner when we dated but by no means fit or thin. However he has ballooned to 250-260lbs at 6'3". He won't even give an exercise and diet regimen a true attempt yet he complains about how he looks and feels. Meanwhile I have had ups and downs in my weight with two pregnancies but have consistently worked out and watched my diet to maintain a good weight and at times even be quite fit. I am repulsed by his naked body. I have to detatch to some degree and fantasize to enjoy sex. The more years that go by that he doesn't even try to change this (not to mention some health issues cropping up because of it) the more bitter I get.

On the other hand I also completely agree that a lot of it could be emotional. I have also lost attraction to my husband intelectually and emotionally over the years because we got married very young. As we grew up, we grew apart in our beliefs, views, opinions, etc. It has been hard staying together. I too was in a vulnerable place when we got together so I can relate to being a bit desperate for some security. This is of course my personal situation. I don't know what you can do now other than really analyze the root of why you feel that way and then have an honest discussion with him about it...and they maybe go to counseling???
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Old 02-06-2011, 07:13 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Jeez ladies. If I knew my wife felt that way about me I would say let's just call a spade a spade and go our own ways. If there was no real attraction to begin with, it will be almost impossible to build an attraction. I am normally very optimistic in situations but I don't see a path here. I would MUCH rather be in a relationship with a person who was less good looking but found me desirable and attractive, than have a supper hot trophy wife who was repulsed by me.
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Old 02-06-2011, 07:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
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What is he doing that is turning you off so much? It's got to be something or is it he's just let himself go and now looks horrid?

Do you think you're going through some trauma left over from the previously abusive relationship?
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Old 02-07-2011, 08:37 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I don't think I was being harsh - just calling it how it is, that's all.

I like what hubby said too about looks. I'd rather be with a woman who was sexual and less good looking vs. a trophy woman with fake boobs and a facelift who was asexual in behavior.

Looks fade, let's face it all of you guys and gals.

What? Are you going to all divorce your spouses when they reach 60 because of wrinkles, paunch, and gray hair? Stop having sex because they now repulse you? Please.

You all need to be switched by some nuns.
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Old 02-07-2011, 09:12 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Ask him to wear a mask.
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Old 02-07-2011, 11:21 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: not attracted to my husband

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Originally Posted by asdfgh View Post
I've been with my husband for three years. To begin with I was never that attracted to him, the sex was okay a few times it was pretty good. In my head I kept blaming the bad sex life on other factors: it'll be better once my job slows down, after the wedding planning and I'm not so stressed it will get better, etc. But it hasn't and now it's to the point now where I can't muster up any sexual feelings towards my husband at all. We don't kiss before sex (my doing I can't stand to kiss him), I hate looking at him naked, I hate standing in front of him naked and I get a creepy crawly sensation when he touches me. Every few months he will complain about our sex life and then I pretend to like it more for a while wearing outfits for him and trying out toys or having sex in places other than the bed which he enjoys. Typically that is enough to keep him happy, this last time he wanted to go down on me which I always make up an reason not to let him, because again I can't stand it if he does that it's so repulsive to me to have him down there (before him with other men I've had no problem with them doing this and enjoyed it) Now he's very upset and the more I think about this the more I realize this probably isn't right and it's definitely not fair to him for me to be so grossed out by him. I just don't know how to change it. He is a nice man and he treats me well. The relationship I was in prior to this one was an abusive relationship (mostly mentally abusive and shoving he didn't beat me or hospitalize me) and when I met the man who is now my husband even though I wasn't all that attracted to him he made me feel safe and he took care of me and I knew he wouldn't treat to me bad. I think this is why I married him. Does anyone have any suggestions?
I don't think your post is harsh, just stating your thoughts and feelings and asking for advice. I am in the same situation. I think my relationship is headed for divorce. I wish it wasn't. But, the lack of sex seems to really hurt our relationship. We don't have anything bringing us closer together. And it's not just a lack of sex because I am not attracted to him anymore. It's also a lack of initiating on his part. But that is another story. I married him because he would treat me well. But, that's like marrying a friend or "brother". It is very difficult and it is hard to understand why I can't feel different about him.
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Old 05-27-2011, 11:55 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Wow-this describes my feelings towards my husband exactly. Has anyone had any luck drumming up the attraction? In my head, I do love him like a brother/friend. He is a great father. We may have let our relationship go on autopilot but I feel exactly as the original poster stated. My attraction to him was never "strong" and I believe I married him using my head vs. my heart. I had sex with him for years without the emotional connection but I can't it do anymore. I feel grossed out, used and as if I'm slowly losing myself. So I told him I couldn't do it anymore and, all of a sudden, now- after yrs of telling him I don't feel emotionally connected, he asks if we're ok. What?! Now I have resentment thrown in the mix. I always knew that if I continued giving sex, he would think all was well and now he is confirming it. I told him I've been telling him for so long now that things are not ok- why has he not wanted to discuss it before? His reply: "No one likes to bring up negative things"
Anyone out there ever felt the same way and have a success story? I think in my heart, it's over - but still hold hope for my kids.
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Old 05-27-2011, 12:33 PM   #13 (permalink)
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It seems really cruel to marry someone you are not physically attracted to. Forget about money, security, personality, etc. Why would anyone want to do this, EVER?
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Old 05-27-2011, 12:39 PM   #14 (permalink)
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It seems really cruel to marry someone you are not physically attracted to. Forget about money, security, personality, etc. Why would anyone want to do this, EVER?
people do stupid things and then want a free pass these days
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Old 05-27-2011, 01:00 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: not attracted to my husband

A wise man once told me that a woman wants physical and emotional security - but not passion security. Give your hubby a copy of MMSL by Athol Kay
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