Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I'm trying to have mutually enjoyable sex with the wife and initiate at good times.
So it's been a week or so and try to initiate last night. She worked until 9 and when she got home I was doing something so she started watching TV in bed.
I came to bed about 40 minutes later and she was into her show so I waited until 10. At 10 I turned the TV off and put my arm around her but she wanted to watch something we have on DVD. So I turned it back on and we watched for another 45 minutes.
So I turn it off then try and initiate again - she says something to the effect that we should hurry up and get to it as she has to be up early...... I said forget it, I'm not into a hurry I was trying to relax and enjoy it.
I should also note that my get up time is 5 am, heres is 7.
Then she says something to the effect that I should have started and hour or two ago? Which I did try, but she wanted to watch something. Then she tells me well, she was annoyed that I took so long to come to bed which is shy she did that.
I told her I wasn't a puppy waiting at the door for her return. I was busy into something else, and wrapped it up shortly after her return and then came to bed.
My point is I want GOOD sex. I want to enjoy it with each other. Comments like she made makes it sound like a hurried chore which I don't want from her. This kind of scenario happens alot. And because she said let's hurry up and do it and then I turned it down - it's now classed as my fault we didn't because she was willing...
No win situation for me. I have talked and communicated to death about what i want and what I don't like to hear. But she does it anyway - I believe to turn me off and get out of it, but make it look like my doing...
If that's the case, I'm tired of this game. I'd rather be with someone who actually has some passion in them.
Take the TV out of the bedroom. Bedrooms are for sleeping and sex.
At least if she was going to turn you down after an hour of waiting you could have gotten some more sleep instead of having to watch/listen to her show.
On the other hand if she goes to bed early that's quite possibly an indicator of interest that you missed. That may well have been her doing that subtle female initiation thing where she throws out interest, but doesn't say she wants sex. When you missed her signal, she probably had 40 minutes to get pissed off.
Personally I would take the quickees that are freely offered. It's kinda Alpha to just use her as a personal sex toy to mop up your need for five minutes and then go off and do something else in the aftermath. Turning down offered sex because of your "feelings" is a major display of failing Alpha. When women offer an Alpha their vagina, the vagina always gets used.
The other thing is she might have been purposely trying to piss you off.... so you'd ride her angrily and hard. She may have been trying to create passion the whole time. Sometimes they really do just want to be pumped like a ****.
__________________
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 is available to buy! Love, Sex, Nice Guys, Alpha, Beta, Dealing With Cheating, Oneitis, Sexless Marriages, Sex Rank, Body Agenda, Sexy Moves, Seduction Skills and more! 344 pages of high quality practical information. The MMSL Primer Book
That's good food for thought, although lately as I approach 40 it sometimes takes me longer to get aroused. Particularily if she isn't actively involved - there fore I like some foreplay to get me going. I don't think sex and immediatly salute any more - therefore I'm a little less interested in quickees.
All she has to do is say something dirty, or grab me the right way and I'm ready - but if she stays passive and just lays there I don't mentally get myself ready as well like I used to.... don't know why but that started a few months back.
She actually mentioned that she was looking forward to coming home and "snuggling" and did get pissed after 40 minutes. But seriously, I'm really not a puppy that comes running because she is in the bed. I jump through many more hoops and wait for her much more than 40 minutes.
You sat down and put your arm around her, in her mind that may have been translated as you saying 'Okay it's bedtime, let's do it.'
Tonight, try a different tactic. First make sure she hasn't darted into bed after getting home from work, if she has join her right away before she gets too comfortable
Then try one of these things:
1. Ask her 1 question: What hurts honey? When she tells you get right on massaging it, and let that be the intro to the love making.
2. Don't say a word and dive onto the bed and just bite her!(playfully of course, I prefer mid thigh) then just contine nibbling and let that lead to the love making.
The first option relaxes her and removes her aches and let's her know you care. The second option surprises her and !blasts! every thought from her mind including the tedious worries she may be thinking about.
There are literally hundreds of lil approaches like this that can mix things up and keep things fresh.
All she has to do is say something dirty, or grab me the right way and I'm ready - but if she stays passive and just lays there I don't mentally get myself ready as well like I used to.... don't know why but that started a few months back.
__________________
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 is available to buy! Love, Sex, Nice Guys, Alpha, Beta, Dealing With Cheating, Oneitis, Sexless Marriages, Sex Rank, Body Agenda, Sexy Moves, Seduction Skills and more! 344 pages of high quality practical information. The MMSL Primer Book
chefmaster - good ideas. I have tried variations of these things in the past - and will again. It would be nice if she also put this kind of effort in at least some of the time.
Wow!! All my h has to do is say...let's go...half the time I'm jumping him! LOL...I will say a few yrs ago it wasn't like that but as I get older I'm more aggressive and he is passive!! Ha...but not the point where he is not interested..
Atholk is right, sometimes us women just want a quicky and there is nothing wrong with It,especially if she is tired..maybe try and not approach her for sex for a few days and see what happens, she might ask YOU! Posted via Mobile Device
How old is she? You have children? For myself, when I was younger I was not interested to much, between work, kids, babies, house cleaning, bills ect it just wasn't top priority. I'm not saying that is an excuse, and looking back I was wrong, BUT as my children get older, they are 17 and 11, I am feeling a sense of freedom and really am coming into "my own" sexually...maybe this is some of your wifes issus? Posted via Mobile Device
Wife is 38, kids are 7 and 9. We are busy lots and running lots but really due to our schedules I bear more of the load than her. I hope she comes into her own soon, because I really get the feeling she isn't that interested. That builds resenetment in me, and kills my desire. And if it continues and I dont' feel any passion from her we will end up splitting. I'm not content with a roommate. I'm a good partner, with high expectations of what a marriage should be. I'll work hard at it and be patient, but there comes a point where you cant' keep giving and waiting never getting what you expect out of it.
You are absolutely right! If u wanted a room mate you would have stayed single! I know that if helped us tremendously when we started saying NO to things, ppl, work, family and KIDS and started concentrating on what is important, especially me..I didn't feel so stretched thin anymore and saying NO gave me options and a sense of power over my life and we only live once and my h or I could be gone tomorrow and I wanted NO REGRETS.... Because then u can't move forward...just my .02 cents Posted via Mobile Device
Eagleclaw, I can really relate... Although I could communicate more with her on how I feel, but in our case, she works very little outside the home, and the kids are in school all day (and have been for 4 years now), so I don't feel that "I'm tired" cuts too much mustard as a reason. I've pretty much given up on initiating, as the rejection eventually got to me.
I feel like we've moved very close to the whole "room-mate" roles... We don't have that many interests in common anymore, we don't have sex... What's the point then? Stay together for the kids? We've got some joint counseling sessions, but when I reflect on my feelings, I've checked out already.
lol, i am trying to get my wife to sneak off to the bedroom for a quickie right now but she wont cause the kids are in the house watching TV. i know we could set a bomb off and they wouldnt know but she is shy and demure.
she did the whole black friday thing today and is wiped out so i really aint stressing about it too much. maybe tomorrow. getting turned down isnt uncommon for me
Turn off the tv in your time. Tell your woman something like "It is not possible for me to be in the bedroom with such a sexy woman and continue to restrain myself from ravishing her" or similar. Make it clear your desire for your woman, it is paramount over all other things, and that your control over yourself around her, it is not possible to resist.
Your woman needs the EXPERIENCE of you showing her that your desire for her is greater than the tv, is greater than your own "hurt feelings", that it is so great that you make the effort (forethought and planning!) to get both of you in bed together, with no distractions, and that she is worth you taking the stand and making this happen.
Stop talking about this with her, stop making excuses, stop probing her for her lack of interest. Words, there are no words in the earth that is going to give your woman the EXPERIENCE she is craving.
Your woman gets home at the certain time. So make the preparations before hand. Take care of whatever you are doing to be finished and prepared to engage your woman in the evening's plans.
The advice to giver her massage, this is golden. Intimacy, it is not always about sex, as intimacy and sex and emotional connection, they often flow one into the other, so create the opportunities for all these things, do not be a mere spectator waiting for them to happen.
Sometimes massages, sometimes romance and candles, sometimes a quiet but intimate conversation lying together naked, sometimes aggressive and selfish quickies, hair grabbing oral, and wrestling and pinning. Intimacy, it should not be routine, do allow it to be spontaneous and multifaceted and unpredictable, but do NOT expect it to spontaneously happen without allowing the time and space for it to happen. Be the good man that creates these opportunities for the time and space, recognize this takes thoughtful planning, and your woman, she will feel she is important (and sexually desirable) to be the focus of this sort of thoughtful planning.
Create your opportunities! Do not miss the planning, create the time and space to express your desires to your woman (not with words, with actions), and follow through!
Take the TV out of the bedroom. Bedrooms are for sleeping and sex.
^ This!!!!!
My friend recently posted a blog about turning her bedroom into her "boudoir." I took on the challenge. It helped a lot! We do have a tv in our bedroom but it isn't hooked up to our satellite so we only watch DVDs in there, and we always do it together. Every night, as a matter of fact. We snuggle up and watch an episode or 2 or "Friends" or "Scrubs." It helps us wind down.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BigBadWolf
The TV, it is merely a test.
So was her excuses.
100% agree!
Please don't rake me over the coals for this, but I just don't by the "do you have kids?" excuse. Whether or not a woman is a mother, she has a responsibility to her husband. I can totally understand not having sex because of recent childbirth, health problems, sickness, etc. But I don't think a woman should ever use being a mother/having kids as an excuse not to have sex or be there for her husband. Ugh.
1Likes
Wife's responses when I initiate. 
