Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Hello, I will try to make this quick as to not take up too much time. Me and my wife have plenty of sex, a few times a week. It keeps both of us happy, but I find myself wanting more. Not in sex, but other activities. I am a very visual person, I find the the visual aspect of sex is almost as good for me as the physical. I have approached my wife about a few things only to be shot down for just about all my ideas for spicing up our sex life. Toys, videos, anal, roleplaying, even having sex in the car or outside somewhere. No matter what I do she is only interested in having sex in bed, at night right before we go to sleep. I FINALLY managed to get her to use a toy with our sex but that is it. She did do a few pictures(no nudity) and a few short videos. I had thought that if she did a few videos and pics that she might see the effect that it had on me and open up a bit, but she didnt. Im just wondering if the things I am asking are too much, or too extreme?? I have tried talking to her, but right now am just unsure about how to get her to open up some. Anyone been in a similer situation or have any advice??
I don't know how long you have been married, and I don't know how old your wife is.
She might be shy.
My husband is always exploring my body, we try different positions, he always tries to pay attention to positions I like.
For example, one time while we were having sex, he started to rub his finger around my a$$hole, I didn't like it very much, it tickles, but I didn't reject it. Next time, he did the same thing, I actually enjoyed it, then after a few times outside, he started to insert his finger into my a$$hole, I was uncomfortable at the beginning, but then after some time, I started to enjoy it a lot, I moan when I am really excited, my husband can tell if I am excited or not from my moaning, now every time when we have sex, I want him to insert his finger into my a$$hole. We tried anal one day, it was too painful for me. But we will try it again since I like anal sensation now.
For fun sex, I need a few days of rest, then I have the energy to do it. If I have sex every day, I don't have energy to try spicy stuff.
If you want to try outdoor sex, find a place which is beautiful and peaceful, make sure there are no people around, fondle her, get her horny first, then see what happens next, magic might happen, but don't be disappointed if it doesn't happen. You still have a sweet wife, never make her feel bad that she isn't giving you enough, let her know that you are happy with her!!!
greenpearl, you are an open minded person when it comes to sex, which i applaud you for. alot of people arent and probably wont ever be no matter what their partner does. i am married to one of those and it appears the OP is too.
I am trying to think back to my more repressed days to see if I can dredge up how my husband helped me to explore my funkier side. It was so slow and steady, there was no one thing. Here is what I would suggest....
If you haven't already goodled the five love languages and love bank stuff, do so. I don't see any reason why one would wait until there are problems... An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. When you make regular deposits in the love bank, the hope is she will feel the love and be amenable to wanting to please you.
Next start appealling to HER sexually and romantically to whatever degree you think she would like. Does she like massage? Rose pedals in bed? Whips? (Just kidding about the whips.) As you try new things, you are going to have to put on your thick skin. If she is repressed through religious or social training, she may get scared of your attempts and reject. It may feel like she is rejecting YOU. If you can be willing to accept that risk, that may be good.
greenpearl, you are an open minded person when it comes to sex, which i applaud you for. alot of people arent and probably wont ever be no matter what their partner does. i am married to one of those and it appears the OP is too.
okeydokie,
My attitude towards sex is so different that even I find myself puzzled all the time.
I used to think that western people are very open minded about sex.
My attitude towards sex is so different that even I find myself puzzled all the time.
I used to think that western people are very open minded about sex.
I got that idea from movies.
I guess I was fooled by movies.
We often get fooled by movies.
There are so many different factors to the weirdness that is Western sexuality. Have you ever heard the expression "why buy the cow if the milk is free?" That is what I grew up with. The notion that someone sex is what he wants and I have to guard in order to make him do the horribly unpleasant thing of marrying me. Add to that the religious notion that sex is this nasty, dirty thing you only do with someone you really love... GAH! What a mess.
Sorry was in a hurry this morning. We have been married for 3 years now. She is very shy. She still dosnt like me to look at her body. I have tried getting her to open up and have been unsucsessfull. We are still kinda young and I was hoping that the few videos and pics that I managed to get her to do, would get to open up and it didnt. I have done the romance and the rose pedals. This was kinda my last ditch effort to find some way of getting her to open up some.
My wife used to be very shy and reserved.
It took a long, long time to get her to open up and she is still opening up.
Mostly it was compliments from me. Real compliments, not just "get in the sack" compliments.
You look really nice today.
You have such a cute figure. I wish your clothes would show a little more of it.
Honey, that blue shirt makes your eyes sparkle.
Dang you have a cute ass!
You look HOT!
I swear, 20 year old girls are jealous of your legs.
She eventually realized that she was not only pretty, but sexy.
My attitude towards sex is so different that even I find myself puzzled all the time.
I used to think that western people are very open minded about sex.
I got that idea from movies.
I guess I was fooled by movies.
We often get fooled by movies.
GP, VT is pretty spot on about this. While I am open to all aspects of sex and have never turned down trying something once, many here have an aversion to sex because of religious doctrine. I think religion plays a HUGE roll in this.
Please correct me if I am wrong but Eastern religion is much more about spirituality and less about hell and damnation. The East came up with the Kama Sutra for goodness sakes. Despite places like India and China being repressed about talking about sex, it seems that there is not the sort of "shame" surrounding it as it is here, at least not by religious leaders. It is more seen as natural and normal and not perverse and deviant as many "leaders" here would have you believe.
But hey, what do I know....I am Lutheran and we let lesbians in as ministers. LOL. Damn proud of it too.
another question would be....how would one go about bringing this subject up and talking about it openly without it feeling like i would be pressuring her into doing something she doesnt want to do?
Have you tried having one of those couples (toy) parties? I went to one w/ some of my friends and it made me look at things totally different.. I saw that "other people" are open to these things and it's okay to play w/ your husband. I totally suggest that!! It might not work, but who knows. Maybe look on the internet at some of those sites and see what she likes.
I'm still working on the outside sex, but my h took me to a special spot and made me lunch and it just happend! Try some of those things. I hope this helps!
Well, I am going to try to muster up the courage to talk to her tonight and see where the conversation goes.
While I am thinking thou...I pose another question.
okeydokie- you said that some people just never open up.
So my question is this. How does one go about coping with these wants and desires to do different things with a spouse that doesnt??? I have looked at porn in the past to cool the desires, but there are a few problems with that. The first being that she doesnt want me to, and the other being that it seems as thou that would ultimatly end up causeing more problems long term.
Second question(from my original post)
Are the things that I am asking for(Videos/pics, anal, toys, outside sex, roleplaying) too much?? Are they too far out there?? Or am I right in thinking that at least for the most part a lot of those are things that lots of other couples do??
Sorry if I am plugging up these boards. I have been mulling this stuff over in my head for a while and its great that I have manged to find a place to dump it all in adn get constructive feedback. Thats kinda why its all jumbled up and in multiple posts lol.
There are so many different factors to the weirdness that is Western sexuality. Have you ever heard the expression "why buy the cow if the milk is free?" That is what I grew up with. The notion that someone sex is what he wants and I have to guard in order to make him do the horribly unpleasant thing of marrying me. Add to that the religious notion that sex is this nasty, dirty thing you only do with someone you really love... GAH! What a mess.
Bill Clinton DID have sex with that woman. BFD,
Chinese are reserved about sex too.
Sex is a taboo topic in our daily life.
Women are taught that being horny is not a good virtue. Only whxxes are horny. I used to feel guilty for being a whxxe. I don't feel guilty anymore, my husband talked me out of it.
I don't understand why? Men like sex so much, they had been in control of the education, why didn't they teach women that sex is good and great? Why didn't they teach that sex is important to men?
Some of those religious leaders are just xxxxxxxxx.
when my h and i started having sex-we lived together, he thought like yea we've been together for 5 years now, why wont you do this why wont you do that? i wasnt ready, and i felt pressure to do what he wanted, and i didnt perform how he wanted.
so long story short, we talked about where we saw our selves in 6 months or even a year, and we talked about how i was open to do what he might like and he was more than willing to do what i liked.
he stopped pressureing me. we will elevate our sexual activity level, eventually. all good things in time. at first we didnt do pics or anything. but now pics, video, its all about trust, and talking out things before hand, reasurances that the evidence wil be in an safe place, and we even had a plan for a split.
How do I get my wife more interested?? 
