Should I divorce my wife because lack of sex? Help!
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 11-30-2010, 10:16 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Should I divorce my wife because lack of sex? Help!

Been married for over 17 years. My wife has always been very cold when it comes to sex. Am in my early 40s and cannot take this no more. I feel am missing out alot by not being with someone more compatible in sex drive with me. What should I do. I don't feel I love her no more, I've been hurt by initiating sex and being rejected, also by suggesting she buys lengerie and we have a romantic get away. What do I do. She is sweet and nice, works hard at the house, which I also do. In alot of other things she's awesome, but no sex drive. When we do have sex, she lays there, I do all the work. Am I the only one with this problem? Is this normal? I feel I need more out of life, I cannot cheat, so I'm thinking of divorce so I can search for someone more compatible in sex with me. What to do?
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Old 11-30-2010, 10:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I divorce my wife because lack of sex? Help!

Going through same thing with my husband... I don't know what to do either!!!
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Old 12-01-2010, 01:53 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I divorce my wife because lack of sex? Help!

what happenends when you talk to her about this, and i mean talk not yell, scream, give ultimatiums, just have a old fashioned non threating back and forth?

some people are raised a certain way or saw something at a young enough age that turned them off from sex and sexual activity.

maybe she has restment from years ago that she hasnt stated. you could try and find out what the prob is. you have nothing to lose by asking why she dosent feel close to you during sex.

ask her whats intimate for her. my h and i have different views on that subject, we had to talk it out.

traci: sorry you are going through the same thing. the advice could work for you to. just make it calm and in a netural place and no finger pointing.

that is the hardest part, just listing. we all never want to feel like the bad guy, and hearing our loved one say things we never say or a situation reversed is a tough pill to take.

with holding sex is always a deeper issue. if you can find out what it is, then the two of you can start the healing process to fix and resolve it and move forward.

best wishes to the both of you.
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Old 12-01-2010, 06:51 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I divorce my wife because lack of sex? Help!

The same thing happended to me for about 16 years until one day I decided I could no longer live feeling rejected and I start by telling my wife that I won't have sex with her if she was not going to show that she also want me. But before that, I research a lot about how to help our situation, i started by analysing where she comes from, the way she was rised. I found how growing up in a very conservative and religious environment where your parents are ignorant and tell you all the time that sex is bad and nobody should touch here and there, that eventually that message takes a tol. Also, I find out that she did not understand men sexuality so I educated her - i keep doing it even today that we are going through a good moment. I make sure, however, that she understand that is about keeping the love alive...so you need emotional conneccion as well. it means letting the other know that you love them and appriciate them. To me, what it works was to just keep the communication flowing, find time to express why you need to feel loved when making love - it is in men DNA, it is primal, it is not our fault, it was god way to ensure, men would always want to be with a woman....but it is not about selfish sex, is about both enjoying it...so when i learned that most woman once they start trying something new and exciting (for the men at least), after a while of she doing it, she start relaxing and enjoying it....to me is about communicating everything you feel but also sharing with her information about your sexuality, her sexuality, facts about marriages (50% end up in divorce) and those who don't divorce, still report higher levels of unsatisfaccion with their sexual lives...so it is a problem that a lot of people share, when my wife realized that was not my problem, but a lot of couples problems, she felt like she did not want to be among those living in unhappy marriages...anyway, I hope you don't give up and keep working because if you are lucky and your wife love you enough, thinks can change and your life can become truly wonderful, I feel the richest man alive, when my wife shows me excitement and love when we are together....it is not always perfect, but I also comprimised so we can move forward and be happy....
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Old 12-01-2010, 07:16 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I divorce my wife because lack of sex? Help!

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Originally Posted by marcopoly69 View Post
The same thing happended to me for about 16 years until one day I decided I could no longer live feeling rejected and I start by telling my wife that I won't have sex with her if she was not going to show that she also want me. But before that, I research a lot about how to help our situation, i started by analysing where she comes from, the way she was rised. I found how growing up in a very conservative and religious environment where your parents are ignorant and tell you all the time that sex is bad and nobody should touch here and there, that eventually that message takes a tol. Also, I find out that she did not understand men sexuality so I educated her - i keep doing it even today that we are going through a good moment. I make sure, however, that she understand that is about keeping the love alive...so you need emotional conneccion as well. it means letting the other know that you love them and appriciate them. To me, what it works was to just keep the communication flowing, find time to express why you need to feel loved when making love - it is in men DNA, it is primal, it is not our fault, it was god way to ensure, men would always want to be with a woman....but it is not about selfish sex, is about both enjoying it...so when i learned that most woman once they start trying something new and exciting (for the men at least), after a while of she doing it, she start relaxing and enjoying it....to me is about communicating everything you feel but also sharing with her information about your sexuality, her sexuality, facts about marriages (50% end up in divorce) and those who don't divorce, still report higher levels of unsatisfaccion with their sexual lives...so it is a problem that a lot of people share, when my wife realized that was not my problem, but a lot of couples problems, she felt like she did not want to be among those living in unhappy marriages...anyway, I hope you don't give up and keep working because if you are lucky and your wife love you enough, thinks can change and your life can become truly wonderful, I feel the richest man alive, when my wife shows me excitement and love when we are together....it is not always perfect, but I also comprimised so we can move forward and be happy....
marcopoly,

Happy for you.

Happy that you tried and your problem got solved, better than your leaving your wife and breaking many people's hearts.

From this post, I see peace in you now!

Happy for you.

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Old 12-02-2010, 11:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I divorce my wife because lack of sex? Help!

"My wife has always been very cold when it comes to sex."

Then you really can't expect her to change after being this way for 17 years, and presumably for years before that. I don't want to sound critical, but I don't understand why men marry low libido women who never liked sex and expect them to change? Generally people don't change much as adults.
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Old 12-02-2010, 12:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
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"My wife has always been very cold when it comes to sex."

Then you really can't expect her to change after being this way for 17 years, and presumably for years before that. I don't want to sound critical, but I don't understand why men marry low libido women who never liked sex and expect them to change? Generally people don't change much as adults.
You could flip that comment around and wonder why low libido women marry high libido men who like sex and expect them to change.
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Old 12-02-2010, 12:10 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I divorce my wife because lack of sex? Help!

This is one of the reasons I feel so strongly against the prohibitions against premarital sex! I feel strongly that the more you know, the better your decisions are going to be. How can you make a decision about sexual compatibility if you have no sexual experience? And I am not talking about just having sex with your spouse before marriage. I think it is in people's best interest to have a couple of partners before settling own.

I know that is an unpopular opinion making me a bit of a ho. (See it is not just other people I call names!) I was a bit risquee in my day, as was my hsuband, and I think that has BENEFITTED us.
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Old 12-02-2010, 12:22 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I divorce my wife because lack of sex? Help!

"You could flip that comment around and wonder why low libido women marry high libido men who like sex and expect them to change."

Oh, I agree totally. But very rarely on these Forums do I ever hear women complaining that their husbands pester them incessantly for sex. It's almost always, 99% of the time, people complaining that their spouse doesn't want sex.
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Old 12-02-2010, 12:35 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I divorce my wife because lack of sex? Help!

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You could flip that comment around and wonder why low libido women marry high libido men who like sex and expect them to change.
wholeheartedly. And why do women (and men) act like that have a high libido PRIOR TO or right after marriage and then flip and change the rules and expect their spouse to adapt? If you change the contract, don't I have the right to opt out?
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Old 12-02-2010, 01:04 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I divorce my wife because lack of sex? Help!

This could go on and on. Why do women change from high sex drive to low when married? Why do men change from romantic to boring when married?

I think the bottom line to all of this is that marriage takes work. From both sides.

I complain about not enough sex. I tried romance, lingerie, flowers, helping with chores, etc. When it wasn't working I stopped trying. I can tell you that stopping trying isn't the answer.

Lately things have gotten better, mostly because I started trying harder. With listening to her, with being romantic, I am trying to be more manly and more confident. Worked out last night and feel stiff today, but good. My wife is into healthy and while I am not a huge pig, I could lose 20 pounds and eat better. I know that this will make her feel better about me/us.

I talked to my wife about this (after very bad fights and moving out of the bedroom) and she realizes that we were in a bad place. She was with holding sex for whatever reasons and my actions made it worse (sulking and not trying). Talking about it openly with her knowing how serious the problem was for us really helped.

We can do family things together, we can share in chores around the house, we can do many things as a couple. But the only thing that makes us man and wife (vs roommates or brother and sister or friends) is making love. When I mentioned this to my wife, I think it really made her understand how important that part of marriage should be.
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Old 12-02-2010, 01:04 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I divorce my wife because lack of sex? Help!

Based on these Forums, it would seem the women are the ones doing this the vast majority of times. I have no understanding why they pull this!

And this whole nonsense women pull (and I am female, BTW), of "if you do chores, I will put out," is BS.
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Old 12-02-2010, 02:49 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I divorce my wife because lack of sex? Help!

Found this forum researching the subject. To me it looks like divorce is the only option. Life is too short, and half of it already spent with regret. I am in the same boat, and I don't think anybody can help in this situation.
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Old 12-02-2010, 04:14 PM   #14 (permalink)
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In alot of other things she's awesome, but no sex drive. When we do have sex, she lays there, I do all the work. Am I the only one with this problem? Is this normal? I feel I need more out of life, I cannot cheat, so I'm thinking of divorce so I can search for someone more compatible in sex with me. What to do?
It's also a possibility that she thinks this is what sex is supposed to be since that's how you guys do it. Maybe she thinks you are perfectly happy? Maybe she is not all that satified herself and can't talk to you about it?

It's hard to say without a lot more info from you. It's not mentioned if it has always been this way or if you guys used to have mad and crazy sex and now it's different?

Last edited by chefmaster; 12-02-2010 at 07:49 PM.
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Old 12-02-2010, 04:55 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I divorce my wife because lack of sex? Help!

My short answer is yes, divorce, at the very least move out and start dating, life is way too short and possibly ending unexpectedly to sleep in a cold bed with an unresponsive woman. Rosy Palm and her sisters can bring you to an orgasm, but it is not nearly equal to passion, the unspoken issue of sexual frustration can darken every minute you are together and many minutes you are apart.

I have no idea what normal is, women who are my close friends range from 60+ years old and horny as 17 year old boys to one who sees sex as her marital duty. I know the latter's husband has had an affair and was considering divorce, if his "friend" had been a better match the divorce would have happened.

I was in a 20+ year happy marriage to a woman who enjoyed sex greatly until three years ago when intercourse became painful along with negative personality changes post menopause, she is now 58.

My love for her has vanished, we both know I'll file for divorce after the holidays. We have had a lot of discussions these last few years, despite my request that she get counseling, talk to her OB-GYN, talk to her PCP and request a full workup, she hasn't done any of these, doesn't want to change, now thinks sex is dirty (this is the woman who jumped my bones all night long on our first date and continued to do so for years) now wants me to be her house/roommate and have a girlfriend or two on the side. This doesn't work for me, the woman I eventually want to be a part of my life should be a major part of it, not just an hour or two here and there. I think you feel the same way.

I've moved about as far as one can get and still be in the lower 48 states. I have had one date with more planned for this weekend, my dating site profile stating I'm affectionate, want an intimate relationship, think sex is a key part of relationships. The women I contact and those who contact me feel the same.

Check out plentyoffish.com, registration is free, browse your matches, accept you will be rejected at least as often as you get responses and move forward with your life.

My very limited experience tells me there are a lot of women looking for men who enjoy and want sex and have demonstrated they can sustain relationships for years. I get three contacts a week and have trouble keeping track.

My stbxw is not missing me, I'm definitely not missing her.

Good luck.






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Been married for over 17 years. My wife has always been very cold when it comes to sex. Am in my early 40s and cannot take this no more. I feel am missing out alot by not being with someone more compatible in sex drive with me. What should I do. I don't feel I love her no more, I've been hurt by initiating sex and being rejected, also by suggesting she buys lengerie and we have a romantic get away. What do I do. She is sweet and nice, works hard at the house, which I also do. In alot of other things she's awesome, but no sex drive. When we do have sex, she lays there, I do all the work. Am I the only one with this problem? Is this normal? I feel I need more out of life, I cannot cheat, so I'm thinking of divorce so I can search for someone more compatible in sex with me. What to do?
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