Can you be happy with a lot but not very exciting sex life?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Can you be happy with a lot but not very exciting sex life?

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-09-2010, 08:09 AM   #1 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 391
Default Can you be happy with a lot but not very exciting sex life?

I am asking this because I really don't know what to do...on one side, my wife can have sex with me 5 times a week and for a lot of men here that would be increadible right?, to me it is not since I am doing most of the work, I am iniciating sex, I am asking for bj foreplay, or going down on her, and all this, does not happen in a way that is too exciting for me since my wife just does not seem to show much excitment for them...she says they are okay, but I am not a fool and realize that she does them for me...so how long can i go feeling like I am the only one wanting to experience sexy, hot things in bed...you have no idea what you do for a man if you initiate sex and go down on him and put your botton in our faces....it is so mind blowing for a high sex drive men to be made love like that...it is so powerful in the way a woman can make feel a man..when he gets what he has always dream....you don't get it...why so many divorces, why prostitution is the oldest job?...because woman don't get it that it is not our fault to want to feel loved like this, it has been for ever....anyhow, any advise....besides don't ask your wife this or that?....she knows how i feel, but it doesn't matter she is always forgetting to invest in our relatioship, she could try to do things for me, and show me some excitment or something, otherwise, what's the point!!....
marcopoly69 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-09-2010, 08:29 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 10,937
Default Re: Can you be happy with a lot but not very exciting sex life?

People can find contentment in virtually any situation and they can also find reasons to be dissatisfied in any situation. Prostitution is the oldest job because there has never been a shortage of men more willing to invest money for sex than willing to invest themselves in a relationship.
unbelievable is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-09-2010, 08:45 AM   #3 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 391
Default Re: Can you be happy with a lot but not very exciting sex life?

Quote:
Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
People can find contentment in virtually any situation and they can also find reasons to be dissatisfied in any situation. Prostitution is the oldest job because there has never been a shortage of men more willing to invest money for sex than willing to invest themselves in a relationship.
But your point is valid the otherway around too?...why women are not willing to invest in their relationship too?...if men feel so attracted to pay for sex is because they can expect to recieve back the desire y exciment that comes with feeling sexy and desired...anyway, sometimes is difficult to try to forget about this and be happy with what I have since I just don't feel happy or satisfied...it has to do a lot with the way i am ...very passionate, talkative, expressive, etc...and my wife is the opposite...and that's work for us in many aspect of our lives...but if I wouldn't be this way, our relationship would be very lame....not only the sex part, but also our relationship, a year or so ago, we almos didn't kiss anymore...we didn't talk about us it was like everything was more important that our relationship - back then was when i decided to fight for my marriage, i wanted to share my feelings and emotions with her, after so many fights and crying, etc....we reach a better place, but still i am not fully satisfied with what my wife brings to our relationship, i have to remind her always about the need for her to think about us...I give her gifts, never forget an importan date, anyway, i think i am good father, provider, lover, friend...we've been throght so much, and now it is our time to be close...to feel close....and the fact that she is not very sexual kills me.....
marcopoly69 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-09-2010, 09:02 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 10,937
Default Re: Can you be happy with a lot but not very exciting sex life?

She's having sex with you 5 nights a week. She's not exactly a nun.
unbelievable is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-09-2010, 09:10 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 215
Default Re: Can you be happy with a lot but not very exciting sex life?

Marc, the more I read your threads the more I am convinced there is no satisfying you. You aren't loving your wife for what she gives you, you resent her for what ever it is she doesn't. She's different then you and yet she still is willing to do what may not come naturally to her...divorce her and marry a porn star or stop whining.
Idontknownow is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-09-2010, 11:25 AM   #6 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 391
Default Re: Can you be happy with a lot but not very exciting sex life?

So, what you are saying is that for a man is a must to change his ways if the wife is unhappy with their relationship, if he is not emotianally available, or whatever else, but for a woman is okay to just stays the same in an area that clearly has to do with you mind as well, to me, it sounds like double standards woman here defend woman and don't admit that there is a lot that could be gain in a relationship if women were to be more sexy and given in the sex departament...what you suggest is that I have to stop persuing my own happiness and just settle for okay....how long before I stop having sex with my wife? -what you don't get is that in a marriage takes two to tango, and nor the husband of wife, should settle for an okay relationshp were important feelings are represed...how long before you loose interest in you spouce....it is not about divorcing your wife, is about finding a compromise.....if you are not willing to work in your marriage, just stay single.....
marcopoly69 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-09-2010, 11:29 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Oregon
Posts: 520
Default Re: Can you be happy with a lot but not very exciting sex life?

Idontknownow - I completely agree. I don't know why I bother reading Marco's posts anymore, I'm pretty sick to death of his whining. Most other people come here because one or the other partners has been completely sex-starved, hasn't had sex in months, etc. He's complaining that even though his wife gives him sex 5 days a week (including weekly bjs, anal, other stuff most guys would kill for even once in a while), she just isn't into it enough.

Marco - You talk about guys paying for sex. If that's what you want, go for it but I bet a prostitute isn't going to make you feel loved or desired either. In that scenario, it's completely just about sex. It's a job. At least your wife loves you enough to put forth A LOT of effort to please you. THAT should make you feel loved and wanted and desired. You say she isn't as talkative or emotional or passionate in her day to day life, that's just who she is and that isn't going to change about her in the bedroom. She can put forth some effort to please you and dear god, it sounds like she is. Quit complaining or freaking leave her so she can find someone who appreciates her.

You make it sound like she isn't doing anything to work on your relationship. I dare you to find anyone else who would work harder.

Sorry, I'm not trying to be a b*tch but I can't take this anymore.
justonelife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-09-2010, 11:52 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 1,225
Default Re: Can you be happy with a lot but not very exciting sex life?

YES you can!!

Who do you think initiated toys in our relationship Marc? Who bought the toys? Who said lets look at toys? Who always joked about toys? Who pushed for more freakier sex? Who inititated sex in 95% of the time and still does?

Who doesn't want a wife that is a freak in the sack? I can't think of a guy that doesn't! Be grateful for what you have a wife that loves you and tries to please you. She will never be a "freak" like you want my wife isn't a "freak" either.

I say be grateful and move on.......you sound a little fanatical.
OhGeesh is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-09-2010, 12:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 215
Default Re: Can you be happy with a lot but not very exciting sex life?

Marc, your not working on anything. Your bullying her into compliance.

You are making your wife change HER ways....how does that not fit a double standard? Don't ever say what I am saying if I have not actually said it. I am saying you are unfair and oppressive. You see it as love....I see it as smothering intolerance. I don't even think you know who your wife.

Your always talking about how you have soooooo much but it's never enough. Thats a deficit within yourself. If your not happy, no one can make you be happy no matter how hard they try. Love is a balance and the scale is tipping to heavily in your favor. Your wife will live in unhappiness and self loathing because she can never please her man no matter how hard she tries or how much she gives him or she will leave.

There is a saying that goes something like.."We are happiest when we are in service to our fellow man". Well, I take that literally into every relationship. If I am working to make my husband happy and he is working to make me happy then we both seem to meet each others needs. If I sat and thought about ALL the things he didn't do I could come up with a list a mile long but it would be an insult to the efforts he makes and ALL the things he DOES do.
Idontknownow is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-09-2010, 12:44 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 215
Default Re: Can you be happy with a lot but not very exciting sex life?

Quote:
Originally Posted by justonelife View Post
You make it sound like she isn't doing anything to work on your relationship. I dare you to find anyone else who would work harder.

Sorry, I'm not trying to be a b*tch but I can't take this anymore.
Word
Idontknownow is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-09-2010, 12:53 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 10,937
Default Re: Can you be happy with a lot but not very exciting sex life?

Neither you or your wife are ever going to have 100% of your expectations met exactly as you would like them, no matter who you hook up with. The best outcome is for two people to find a relationship they can learn to be content with. You don't have a right to have all your expectations met and neither does anyone else. There are billions of people on this planet and you aren't 100% an answer to the prayers of any one of them and none of them are 100% the answer to yours. We try to meet as many of our spouse's reasonable expectations as possible, but nobody is perfect.
unbelievable is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-09-2010, 01:00 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
MarriedWifeInLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 2,052
Default Re: Can you be happy with a lot but not very exciting sex life?

He's not whinning, he is just trying to vent, get his feelings out and hope someone will respond (whether they agree or not).

His level of happiness and fulfillment is different. If he feels his life is lacking because his wife is not a hot thing in the bedroom, who are we to tell him he's wrong and should count his blessings?

My problems, your problems, his problems - they are all relative to the individual involved. While his issues may seem trivial to you - they are important to him and that's all the matters - they are HIS problems.

There are people on TAM that probably think my issues are crap and there are issues on TAM that I personnally think are crap - but that's okay. I don't need to trivialize someone else's issues just because I don't think they are important to me.

That being said - sex 5 times a week when the other person just lays there and you have to be the director and producer all in one - that's not really sex at all between a married and loving couple. That's a wife doing it because "its her duty." That's sort of like making love to a blow-up doll. Sure, you'll get your rocks off, but you'll feel unsatisfied, dirty and used when its over.

And whose asking her to change? Does her husband really need to ask her to be warm, loving and affectionate in bed?

What I'm really sick of is people who get married thinking that sex is not an important part of the deal. Its extremely important and if you can't go into marriage with it at the top of your list, then stay single.

If you want to marry someone strictly for financial or companionship reasons, fine, state that up front so there are no expectations that won't be fufilled after the ring is on the finger.

That is what I'm sick of!
__________________
"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford
MarriedWifeInLove is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-09-2010, 01:32 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Oregon
Posts: 520
Default Re: Can you be happy with a lot but not very exciting sex life?

MarriedWife - I think you make some valid points. You're right, if he has something that he feels is a problem, we shouldn't necessarily judge whether we think it's a stupid problem or not. I guess most of us just can't really even grasp what the problem is. Maybe he's just not explaining it well, I don't know.

The part that frustrates me and I think what I'm hearing from other posters is that I've read some of Marco's other posts and I don't get the impression that his wife just lays there like a blow up doll. She's not acting totally uninterested in bed. I get the impression that they had a problem and she is sincerely trying to make an effort to do better and to please him. But if she is not panting and screaming and acting wild every single night, he's not happy. He's focusing too much on the bad and not enjoying the good part.

Yes, sex is important in a marriage. Yes, it's not fair to be the only one ever initiating or feeling enthusiastic in the bedroom. But you also have to accept your partner for who they are and his wife may never be AS into sex as he is. That doesn't mean she isn't trying or doesn't love him or doesn't enjoy sex. One partner is always going to have a slightly different drive and "freak" level than the other and you BOTH have to work on it and accept it.

All Marco seems to do is say "yeah, I know I should be happy, I'm getting sex every night, I get anal every weekend, I get frequent bjs but she's just not passionate about it". Who really has wild, passionate sex every single night? Some nights are wild, some nights are just about connection and let's face it, some nights are just for your partner. That in itself is a loving act. That doesn't mean you lay there and don't participate but it also means you may not be swinging from the chandelier either.

Would he rather she fake it? To me, it seems like he's talking in circles a bit. She's trying to be passionate but he knows she's just "doing it for me" and can't accept that. He's asking her to have actual passion but that's not something she can just create out of thin air. Some nights, it just isn't there and she can't force it to be there. If she's not passionate, he's not happy. If she tries to be passionate, but he feels it's not genuine, he's not happy. Expecting her to have true, wild, uninhibited crazy passion for him 5 or more nights a week just seems unrealistic. IMO.
justonelife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-09-2010, 02:00 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Oregon
Posts: 520
Default Re: Can you be happy with a lot but not very exciting sex life?

This is a quote from one of his other posts:

"I mean when we make love is mind blowing for both of us...she really gets into it...but when we do other stuff, she does not, it seems to me, get aroused at least the same as the vaginal penetration...."

This to me doesn't say that she's just laying there like a wet noodle. But he wants to her enjoy anal and giving bjs as much as he does or as much as she likes vaginal intercourse. Maybe that's just not in the cards. Some people like certain things more than others. She really likes making love to him and really gets into it, maybe she just doesn't enjoy anal and never will. She's trying FOR HIM and he just can't accept that.

That's like saying that one partner really likes eating salmon and the other person doesn't really care for it. But they eat it anyway, frequently, because they know their partner really loves it. He's asking her to somehow really enjoy the salmon. Maybe she just doesn't and never will. The fact that she eats salmon and even pretends to enjoy it at least weekly, in my opinion, is already more than he can ask for.
justonelife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-09-2010, 02:28 PM   #15 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 391
Default Re: Can you be happy with a lot but not very exciting sex life?

Okay...I see all your points and I appreciate those who understand a bit that my marriage is at the end of a long issue around sex for the pass 22 years....my wife was very, very conservative in bed, lights out, bjs very rare, anal (never), etc....no access to her breasts, or to touch her vagina (she would move my hands away), so I've been repressed for a long time, masturbating in secret every time I could....anyhow, today, we've come along way, but, it hurts so much thinking that most of the things we do have today is because I wish them and not because she also wants them, so I am working in accepting that and be happy with what she can give althought she may not really enjoy them very much, my complain here was because the pass 3 nights, for whatever reason, she just stood there and I did most of the work, I just want my wife at least showing me some love and desire to be with me....when I feel the same way I felt a few years ago (like I said above) , the feelings of anger return and I come here to vent, so I can deal with these feelings without tormenting my wife....I see the big picture, but tell it to the feelings of sadness and hopelessness that I never really am going to have someone that actually think about having sex with me....that ask for something besides regular sex, it is a big deal for me, since I really makes me happy when my wife makes me feel sexy and wanted...(not very often)_...so what the hell i do?...vent, try not to expect much, and hope that she'll find in her to be more sex incline with time....I don't know how else explain my feelings here, but it is very frustrating give myself to my wife the way i do, and not having the same in return....like i said, i am a good man, my son has 81% avarage, 92% in math, has a girlfriend, plays basketball, my daughters are wonderful and loving kids...like i said, i just want to feel loved....
marcopoly69 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Why am I so upset about the AP HAPPY LIFE! Just Tired Of It All Coping with Infidelity 26 07-24-2012 04:18 PM
Happy wife, happy life... lotsoflove General Relationship Discussion 3 06-22-2012 08:47 AM
Happy married life ntiedo Long Term Success in Marriage 9 06-27-2009 04:45 PM
Here is something new that could keep your love life exciting! mwinklepleck Sex in Marriage 1 04-10-2009 10:45 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:24 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.