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Reaching out to those in a sexless marriage

12K views 114 replies 29 participants last post by  LolaLynn 
#1 ·
I am struggling with my sexless marriage. I have written before and have received a lot of great advice which I appreciate. But right now I would like to hear from those who are experiencing a sexless marriage....as in no sex. I am not looking for advice on the medical causes or cures but more on the emotional issues. How do you cope? How do you not build resentment. Do you kiss passionately? I am hoping someone can help.
 
#2 ·
I developed other interests and activities I could do alone or with friends, but the most useful was (re)learning meditation techniques. That helped me keep perspective and reduce resentment, but did not "fix" anything.

Eventually, the frustration and resentment became too great, and I divorced. In retrospect, I wish I had done that many years sooner!
 
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#3 ·
How you deal with it depends on many factors, emotional, physical, and material.

Young vs old, kids vs no kids, root causes, chance of fix receptivity to intervention...

And of course the intangibles. Culture, upbringing, religion...

Read some of the many threads on the subject for starters then start developing your own plans. If you're comfortable post some details and you can be pointed to some specific advise or case studies.

The one thing you won't find is quick answers 'cause there generally ain't any.
 
#4 ·
Reading your other posts sounds like your husband is impotent. I take it that is still the case? I'm in your shoes. It has been many years since we have been able to have sex due to my husbands impotence. We are in our early 50's and may never be able to have sex again. For years we didn't do a lot connecting, he didn't want us to get to intimate because he couldn't complete the act. We kept busy being parents. Having our own hobbies, doing family activities. I told him that I needed more touch and intimacy from him and that he doesn't have to feel pressure to perform because we are in bed together. We now kiss and hug a lot during the day and at night in bed we cuddle and kiss. We have more date nights. He doesn't feel the pressure because he knows I'm not expecting our cuddling to lead to us trying to have sex and he won't be able to and then he gets frustrated.

I'm not resentful because it's not his choice not to have sex with me, he wants to but he can't but I do wish he would be more passionate with me. Our kids are older now and eventually it will be just he and I. I just think of the great qualities I love about him and our marriage, that's how I am coping with our sexless marriage and know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him even if that means I will never have sex again.
 
#6 · (Edited)
I'm not resentful because it's not his choice not to have sex with me, he wants to but he can't but I do wish he would be more passionate with me. Our kids are older now and eventually it will be just he and I. I just think of the great qualities I love about him and our marriage, that's how I am coping with our sexless marriage and know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him even if that means I will never have sex again.
This could be said to both Gingerbread and Happilymarried25:

I am having a hard time understanding how you say it is not his choice, I know the ED is not his choice, BUT it is his choice to not attempt other means of being sexually intimate with you. It is his choice to not be willing to do other sexual acts with you just because he can't perform PIV. How does he explain his unwillingness to use toys, to do oral or to manually stimulate you or to do any number of other things to satisfy his wife? He may be saying it just frustrates him, but what about unilaterally deciding to end your sex life? He is willing to let you remain frustrated?

There was a thread on here a while back posted by a guy who had to undergo a radical penectomy due to cancer and he was concerned with keeping his wife happy. He was still more than willing and able to continue to satisfy his wife despite it being frustrating at times for him. So ED or not, why would your husband sacrifice all intimacy? Does your husband realize how selfish that is?
 
#5 · (Edited)
Good question. It happens that I'm really struggling with this today for some reason. Today is the 11 month anniversary of celibacy. That doesn't just include actual sex but any forms of intimacy. I also thought ... damn, my birthday is in a couple of months ... and even though birthdays are just another day, I couldn't help but think that since she just has no interest making it unlikely that we'll have sex anytime soon, I'll probably be able to mark this down as another sexless "year" of my life. So thinking back, that means that I did not have sex when I was 40, 41, 42, 43 and shortly I'll be able to include 46. Pretty bad decade. It probably isn't true but it "feels" like that part of my life is completely over. Not a healthy way to look at things but some days like today it just really bugs me.

I don't know if I would be able to deal with it any better if the reasons were physical. I might think so because in my case the rejection is emotional but at the end of the day no matter what the reasons are ... whether they are physical or I just don't "do it for her" ... you aren't having sex.

I don't cope well. I know when I'm focusing on the things that are important ... my personal goals, work, relationships, children ... is when I think about it the least so that is where I try to keep my focus. I try to be grateful for the things that I have instead of what I don't have. Still ... there are moments, like today ...
 
#12 ·
Well sir, you let someone waste the prime years of your life. There are 3+ billion women on the face of this earth, many whom it would PLEASE to take on your sexual needs. Why be stuck on one who won't?
 
#7 ·
He does that, I didn't say it's been years since I had an O. We had fun a couple of weeks ago. I'm not into toys. It seems to artificial to me. By being more intimate I meant French kissing and laying in bed without our clothes on. He will do it if I ask him but he will never do it on his on initiative so we rarely do it.
 
#8 ·
For the past two years I was in nursing school, so that kept me pretty busy and I was able to not think about how sexless our marriage was.

I am not looking for advice on the medical causes or cures but more on the emotional issues. How do you cope?
I pushed them away because any time I would bring them up she would change the subject and refused to address them. My marriage wasn't only sexless, it was emotionless as well. Very tough spot to be in.

Do you kiss passionately? I am hoping someone can help.
No, she'd indulge me in a mouth kiss maybe once a week. More often I'd get her cheek.

Eventually the resentment at the neglect from her killed the marriage. She tried changing, but it was too little too late - I had given her many chances to address the issues: asked for counseling (she refused), asked her to see a doctor about changing her BC (she refused), tried being nice, tried being a jerk (nothing worked). I told her once I had checked out it was unlikely that I would be able to check back in. She had many chances...I would have done anything for her, but it was never reciprocated. Anytime I tried to have sex with her it was met with a "tomorrow." "Tomorrow" never came. Finally, I just filed for divorce about three months ago, limited contact between us, I'm just waiting for the six months to be over with - although I've already moved on and started dating a girl who actually seems to like me (although no sex yet - I want to take things slow for now), just want that chapter of my life completely closed.
 
#9 ·
I thought I was coping when the sex dwindled and we had many years of Christmas and birthday only.

Eventually it fizzled out to nothing. Resentment had quietly moved in to fill the gap.

It got to the point where I was so resentful that whilst I desperately wanted to have sex, I did not want to have sex with him. Not at all.

I expect that a sexless marriage (as in no PIV for whatever reason) might be able to work IF both parties make an effort to maintain intimacy and physical closeness.

But if it is simply a case of the man being unable/unwilling to perform (as was the case in ours) and therefore avoiding the subject completely then I simply don't see how it can continue long term. Not with any real happiness, anyway.
 
#10 ·
I cannot give any sage advice.

All I can say is that I lived in a sexless marriage for 3 years.
I went into it a combination of my own foolhardiness and deception by my ex who asked we wait until after marriage and then denied me afterwards. It was afterward that she told me about her extreme sexual abuse past and her frigidity. Not only sex, but almost any intimacy. I don't think we ever even had a really good make-out session.

How did I live with it? I was a bachelor most of my life, so I knew how to take care of myself. At the risk of scorn, although it was extremely frustrating and infuriating and we had numerous blow ups, i gave up and learned to accept it.

I would probably still be with her except the abuse and cheating which WAS a deal breaker.
 
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#18 ·
Im in a sexless marriage august will be a year of no sex.. Coping is really difficult for me.. The resentment I feel for my husband has completly engulfed every feeling I had for him. There is no kissing, no touching, no nothing. I have felt anger and hatred for him, I now feel nothing at all. I just no longer care and I will be moving out. This is not what marriage is to me, this is not what I signed up for
 
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#21 · (Edited)
I think this is where I am. For 10 years I did not or could not express my resentment. For health reasons, he was not suppose to have any stress. Looking back this probably did not help our marriage. Then a year ago the health issues were somewhat resolved, the fear of eminent death was no longer there. However the ed issues have now turned to impotency.

I think I always held out hope that when he had his surgery and was healthy our sex life would improve. Now it feels hopeless. The past decade sex has been on his terms. I was always disappointed. He wants to kiss and hug all the time and this is difficult for me. I try to tell myself that I can live like this, a lot of people do.
 
#24 ·
Another poster mentioned wasting his prime in a sexless marriage. I feel I haven't had real sex since my thirties, I'm in my fifties now and am trying to cope with the reality that I will never experience sex again aside from kissing and hugging. I keep thinking that if I could somehow accept this I would be fine.

Some of my resentment stems from his attitude. He is content with the just the light kisses and hugs and when I try to explain what I am feeling he shuts down and then I feel bad. But I don't enjoy the kisses. I want passion.

What do I want to hear? Maybe that this is like the stages of grief. That over time I will feel better. I am working two jobs now and that helps. I want a magic pill that will make it all better.

We have a child who is getting married next summer. So I feel that separation would not be appropriate right now. And I am afraid of being alone. Financially we put all our eggs in his basket.

I guess I was looking for ideas. I think I will try meditation and start to go to the gym more. I am all over the place. I don't know how to be happy with my marriage any more. We are friends and that's it.
 
#27 ·
Another poster mentioned wasting his prime in a sexless marriage. I feel I haven't had real sex since my thirties, I'm in my fifties now and am trying to cope with the reality that I will never experience sex again aside from kissing and hugging. I keep thinking that if I could somehow accept this I would be fine.
Say you were told you have a year left to live at 80 years old. Would you like to look back realizing you wasted all that life being forced to be sexless and live less than you really wanted? Or are you going to wish that you wouldn't let your life be controlled like that and do something about it.

Some of my resentment stems from his attitude. He is content with the just the light kisses and hugs and when I try to explain what I am feeling he shuts down and then I feel bad. But I don't enjoy the kisses. I want passion.
You might need to build it up in him. Build up his feelings of his self. Does he like oral? Some people don't have it in them.

What do I want to hear? Maybe that this is like the stages of grief. That over time I will feel better. I am working two jobs now and that helps. I want a magic pill that will make it all better.

We have a child who is getting married next summer. So I feel that separation would not be appropriate right now. And I am afraid of being alone. Financially we put all our eggs in his basket.

I guess I was looking for ideas. I think I will try meditation and start to go to the gym more. I am all over the place. I don't know how to be happy with my marriage any more. We are friends and that's it.
 
#25 ·
I understand how you feel. Is there any hope his physical situation will change? Does he satisfy you through oral sex? My husband is happy to do that. I enjoy the hugs and kisses I get from my husband but he doesn't like to get to passionate either like getting naked or French kissing. That has been my biggest complaint. The only time he wants to do that is if he has taken Viagra and want to see if it will work. I understand you not wanting to break up your family and what you two have worked for together. Do you two cuddle at night or does he prefer to keep thinks separate in the bed? We have been cuddling in bed for while and I do feel it have made us closer and made us feel we are more than friends like you have mentioned.

There really is no magic pill to get over the feelings. I think that is why so many sexless marriages in in divorce. It's hard not to feel resentment even when it's a medical condition. You just have to weight what you love about him and the marriage and with living without sex. I think it gets harder to think about living this way for the rest of your life as your children get older and move out and it's just the two of you. You probably think about being with someone else who you can be passionate with and ML with. There may be a day when you just can't stay in your situation any longer and want to find a more satisfying relationship. I'm sure you will know when or if it's time to move on.
 
#26 ·
My husband knows what I need, ive told him, but it not just sex. I need to be touched like hugs, kisses, snuggles. He doesnt do any of that. He hasnt touched me in almost a year and before that he only touched me when he wanted to have sex, which was maybe every 2 or 3 months. The connection I had with him has been non existent for the last 4 years. I have already stayed to long hoping that things would change, it been about 5 years now. I cant stay anylonger, if I do it will completly kill who I am.
 
#30 ·
Actually he only started oral sex when the ED started. But then he only did it until he was "ready". That was it. So now that that doesn't work, he is not interested. He tried once but because it was like an obligation or experiment and it was unsuccessful. The closest I get to sex is a foot massage.

We are empty nesters now. My interaction with other people is limited. My world has gotten so small that it probably adds to my loneliness. I like the idea of developing friendships. Just have to figure out how to do that. My husband is an introvert, he doesn't like going out.

Sometimes I think about divorcing but then think it may not be any better being alone. We have been together 30 years.

Trickster...your spouse is ok with an open marriage? Not that I could or would, but how do you bring that up in conversation?
 
#31 ·
Whether you are lonely or not, do you want sexless ontop of that list? I don't think so.
 
#32 ·
Gosh Gingerbread, your husband sounds selfish and has no interest in pleasing you at all. Not many men don't enjoy giving their women oral sex especially in your case when that is the only sex you get. I can understand why you have built up some resentment. We have been together 28 years and couldn't imagine being alone or with anyone else. My husband is an introvert too and is happy to spend the evenings watching whatever sports in on TV but he takes me out often and we enjoy spending time together. It can be hard to stay connected as a couple when there is no sex involved. My husband has a low t count so he doesn't have the desire to be passionate like most men. He is on the testosterone patch now.
 
#34 ·
The hiking group I am in is a meet up group.

It's easy to start one.

You could organize it. Pick an event like

morning walks

Coffee

Wine tasting

Dog play groups... Do you have a dog?

Bowling

A friend of mine belongs to a meet-up poker group and once a week is poker night. They try to alternate homes as much as possible.

Call yours the empty nesters poker group
 
#37 ·
Gingerbread-

I will say that when we initiated the open marriage and I started talking about my attraction to other women, my wife started becoming more affectionate...My wife is trying. I believe it is just out of fear of me leaving. I don't trust it yet. I wish so much that I was able to communicate my needs better so my wife could understand how important sex and affection was to me. Even now, she still doesn't understand. I notice when I stop talking about other women, the sex slows.

I admire people with the courage to leave an unfulfilling marriage. Maybe some of us in these LTR's don't know what it could be like with a loving partner. We accept this as the norm.

Maybe we can start the sexless marriage meet-up group!
 
#39 ·
Staying for children.....I'm sorry, I think that does more harm than good. Children will look to you and your spouse as a model for a healthy marriage....are you living kind of marriage you want for your kids? If you "wait" until they're grown up....all you do is confirm to them that you lived a lie while they were growing up. I don't think one should necessarily just D but when you've exercised every single effort and it's not reciprocated, I see absolute no good in remaining in a relationship that makes you depressed and sucks out your self esteem and self worth. Ask yourself if your children were in your shoes...what would your advice be? Stay and be miserable and lonely?
 
#40 ·
I don't think it is that simple. Yes, I think that is true in some cases but certainly not all. I don't know if I would agree in my case. We have a very functional and peaceful home environment. Our disagreements are no more than those that happen in a healthy marriage. Our family situation is less stressful on the children than my own upbringing was and my parents have a strong marriage of 46 years. My daughters don't know that we don't have sex. If we do stay together until we are empty nesters ... they do not need to know that we were simply delaying a divorce until they were out of the home. It isn't any of their business. I don't buy the argument that their childhood is tainted because we were "living a lie". If we were to divorce now, what would I tell them? "Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce and Daddy will only get to see you every other weekend because Daddy wants to get laid and Mommy doesn't want to." I don't believe in being dishonest with your children but in some cases it isn't helpful to be completely transparent.

I believe that children do look at your marriage as a model but at the same time I believe it is more important that they look at me and how I interact with them as their model of how a man should treat them. That is difficult to do if I see them on Wednesday nights and every other weekend and am not there for them on a daily basis.

Three years ago I separated from my wife. Our marriage at that point WAS worse for the children than being apart. Resentment and anger had reached a point where we were barely talking to each other and when we did, it was tense. Everybody knew the marriage was in trouble, including my daughters. It is a long story but the fact that our marriage was sexless (3.5 years at that point) was not reason for the separation. Our life was a trainwreck and I felt that my wife shouldered most of the blame. For a number of reasons I felt that our children deserved better and I was going to fight for that. I didn't think I could fix it while still in the home. We separated, went to counseling, flirted several times with divorce and then reconciled (with reservation) about a year later.

My number one motivating factor to separate was that it was better for my children than not separating. That is not the case now even if divorce is very much still in the picture.
 
#42 ·
My wife has lost almost all interest in sex for 7+ years. We may do
it 3-4 times a year and I usually initiate it. It has been tough at times. There has probably been many reasons like kids, work, inlaws issues, inlaws living with us, not enough time alone, etc. I am 48 and was recently diagnosed with low t. Even with low t I would've liked to have sex at least 1 or 2 times a week. Now I was recently prescribed monthly injections for my low t and I am thinking about sex a whole lot more (like a 20 year old) and she still has little interest. 15 years ago, she was interested almost every day and now I can't think of anything to get her interested, it is almost depressing at times.
 
#43 ·
Threads like this makes me so angry. I am a very patient man, was a virgin until my mid 20's, to save my virginity for that special woman. Met a great woman, who is kind, generous, and put out while we were engaged. After our child was born during the 1st year of marriage, sex rapidly became an extinct event. Turns out she was not just LD, but extremely LD, and put out enough to get me committed.

I stayed because I loved my child so much, and I cuddled with my child for the lack of affection from the partner. My child now is old enough to be fully independent and no longer wants to hug / hold the parents, so I am left without physical affection.

I think it's cruel for a person to stay in a marriage without physical love. People are so selfish to hold out.
 
#44 ·
Children are very intuitive and they can sense when something is wrong. They may not know exactly what it is, but they can sense it. Part of the reason I'm divorcing my STBXW is because I didn't want my children growing up seeing parents that didn't have any affection between them. This was the model my STBXW had for a marriage. My Ex-MIL is very dismissive of her husband, no affection towards him, my ex never even saw them hug! I grew up with parents who had no qualms about being affectionate in front of my brother and I and I learned that was what a healthy marriage is about. Why not divorce your wife? Kids are not a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage - think about everything your are teaching him/her by sticking around and being unhappy.
 
#46 ·
Or you can declare World War III against Mrs. JSGW and get the moral satisfaction that she's as comfortable in her emotional Somalia as you are in your emotional Lebanon.

Depending on your skill level of mental warfare you can cause quite a bit of emotional carnage. It may not help the intimacy department much - if at all - but it introduces a pretty good sized white elephant in the room that neither of you is likely to forget any time soon.

The catch is it has to be done relatively subtly otherwise you risk the chance of her filing to prevent her "sanity"...

I did this on a couple of occasions. The biggest gain is to see what her tolerance level is.

If the marriage can't be repaired you might as well go out with a bang...
 
#47 ·
I saw this other day ... differences between men and women ... funny

OFFSPRING

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



Maybe my problem is I need to get my T checked since I'm so keenly tuned in to them ;)
 
#60 ·
Yes, being too tuned to them will empower your inner vagina, which cannot be good for T.
 
#51 · (Edited)
I think that once resentment has set in, it is very difficult to recover things.

Like many others (I hope) when I married my wife I thought it was for life.
She was never very sexual, didnt like tongue kissing and refused to give any form of oral sex. He had sex maybe 2 times a week. Though I would often get rejected.... She would accuse me of always wanting sex. What 27yr old male doesn't?
I was her first.

Child no 1 came along and he was the centre of attention, rightly. But I thought that my wife would eventually realise that I was there too. I helped with diaper changes and even came home at 3am (I was a cop so worked shifts) to do the night bottle feed because she was so tired etc.
I was surprised when our daughter arrived! Immaculate conception?!!

Over the past 12 or so years she has rebuffed my sexual advances more and more often. We have been to counselling even though she didnt think we needed it. When the importance of sex in a marriage was discussed she stopped going.

I love having my shoulder tickled...If I asked her to tickle it the reply was always 'only if you massage my back' etc. I would make a point of massaging her back and NOT asking for anything in return. She never got the hint.

Sex with her was always very boring. No kissing...she loved receiving oral but never reciprocated - 'its disgusting'. Foreplay consisted of me massaging her back whilst she 'played' with my c0ck - though all that was important to her was me massaging her back. i would lose my erection out of boredom.
If I ever tried to discuss things with her she clammed up and refused to talk. When she did talk it was to accuse me of being a sex maniac.

Over time I simply stopped asking for tickles, stopped giving them and stopped making any advances towards her.
I now have absolutely no interest in her sexually or otherwise.
And yes I resent her for having done what she has done to our marriage.

Sex is an important part or marriage, its how men show their love etc. All I have ever wanted is to love and be loved. Go for romantic walks, argue, make up, do things together...be a true team...be 'one'. She has denied me all of it.
The thought of having sex with her repulses me - even if I do it simply to 'get off'. I would rather 'sort myself out' than have sex with her. And what adds salt to the wound is that it doesnt bother her in the slightest that I am no longer interested in sex with her.
Its been about 18 months now since we had any form of intimacy...a 'normal' wife would have started to ask questions months ago.

Why do I stay? Simply; I have a 15 year old son and a 13 yr old daughter who mean everything to me. Once the children are 18 and have more or less left the 'family nest' then I will be off too.
If I leave now I will be the ogre, the 'enemy' and won't get to 'live' with them.

Sorry to bore you all with my tales of woe!
 
#101 ·
I think that once resentment has set in, it is very difficult to recover things.





.

.

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Sorry to bore you all with my tales of woe!



Not bored. Very familiar.



In my case, I was a 26 yo virgin when we met, and she was not averse to sex, though not as enthusiastic as I.



From child 1 I was cutoff and mostly ignored. Miracle conception for child 2. Resentment now in both she and I.
 
#52 ·
Gingerbread,

Are you still around or have you been scared away?

There are so many sexless marriages out there.... You are the only one who knows what you are willing to give up to be in a loveless marriage.

People stay unhappily married because of the children. When they are gone, we have more freedom to seek out our own happiness. I hope you can be financially independent and not rely on your husband
 
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