What I can say is that I went through the same thing. My wife would have romance from me like there is no tomorrow. Everyday, I tell her how beautiful and desirable she is, how smart and good mother she is, how beautiful she looks in her clothes, help around the house, making sure everybody is healthy and safe... She was cold, distant and controlled our sex life...you know, what positions, where the hands went, she would never allowed me to cum in her mouths or have anal sex...or anything new or exciting for that matter. One day, I turned 40 and looked at my life and I wasn't happy, then, I realized that every time I asked something to my wife, it was with resentment, I was expecting the rejection or the limitations about how much access i could have to her body and to her making me feel like she was into it....we fought and argued about our sex problems and emotional intimacy for a long time...i came to this forum and started asking questions and realized that when the love is there, that marriage needs work....you need to understand first, your husband sexuality and realized that sexual fullfilment and excitement are linked to the ability of the males to feel loved...if you don't give your husband your body with desire and passion, he won't feel loved...he'll feel empty...and because men have a hard time expressing their feelings is not a good conbination. So, what I propose is for you to educate yourself about men sexuality (there is very good readings here you just have to do a search by men sexuality), then do the same for women sexuality and share this information with your husband, look for threats here that talk about the same problems as you have and share it with him - the idea is making him feel like it is not the end of the world, that many people are going through the same,,,that is normal, and that it only requires work and committment. For example, my wife and I every two weeks on Friday we meet to talk for about 1 or 2 hours before getting home to our children about our relationship. This time is for both of us to talk about our sex life and emotional intimacy...it is important that you both realized that you need to give the other what makes them feel loved....your husband needs to feel like you initiate sex, that without he asking you, you go down on him that if he wants to go down on you or finger you that you will be receptive and show excitment, etc.....you need to tell him (if you love him very much) that with time, patients and love your sex life can become everything he ever wanted....but within bounderies that both can test.....the whole idea is for you to do something unexpected for him....one day, today, tomorrow, forget about what happened, try...and go to him, hug him, kiss him and tell him you love him very much...then when he is watching tv or whatever, go to him give him a kiss with tongue and then grabs his penis and tell him how much you want him...and that night, give him a Bj....and let him enjoying your body lilke he never thought possible. At the end kiss him and tell him that in the same way he felt loved and happy of feeling a strong emotional connexion with her, that you need the same but to another level...that for you, sex is very important and enjoyable but that the difference with him is that you don'f feel loved by just having amazing sex, that you need him to show you with actions that he has in his heart the love you need to feel from him.....tell him that your lives can be wonderful but only when both realized that you need to work every day on your relationship, that if he is not the kind of man that is loving the way you want, that he must make a rational effort to do it...no excuses here, everybody can change for the better.....tell him that if you both don't make an effort to show the other that you are the most important person in the world to them, the marriage is doom to fail....good luck!
She is asking for help on how to get her needs met from a lazy and selfish man. How will giving him more help her?
Is the man more important than the woman? I think your emphasis on your needs colors the way you see relationships. However, women are not ciphers and if her husband can not meet her needs then she has the perfect right to stop having sex with him and divorce and find someone more capable. She has made what she needs from him very very clear, now the ball is in his court. BTW, this marriage is doomed because HE is not performing, not her.
If he cannot motivate himself to make her feel love where is she going to get the every to make him even more happy. Women have needs too, we are not ciphers, to ask her to give even more is just ridiculous.
OP I think men who don't listen after repeated request should have sex completely cut off as a last resort. Let him know how you feel and that the marriage is in danger. It's unfortunate but many men will ignore their wives request as long as they get sex. Sex is the only language they seem to understand. I don't think denying sex should be taken lightly but you have done all the right things - you have repeatedly communicated what you need - he is unwilling to meet your needs. But he expects you to meet his.
He sounds self-centered and lazy and more importantly, he thinks you will not leave him and he can do as he pleases. I think the only way to get through to him is to give him a choice, he can stay married to you if he works on mutual satisfaction or you can both find partners more compatible. If you decide to stay, I would not have more children with this man than you can handle on your own. He may change temporary until he thinks you can't get out. Don't ever box yourself in if you decide to stay with him.
I would let him know that divorce is on the table, you may want to separate for 3 - 6 months to give you and him space to think.