Husband wants sex but does not want to give me what I need. HELP! Suggestions welcome
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 12-27-2010, 09:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband wants sex but does not want to give me what I need. HELP! Suggestions welcome


My husband and I have been married for six years now and for the last five we have argued more over the lack of sex than anything else. I love my husband dearly and I know that he loves me but I feel that sex is the most important thing on his list. It has been years since he has romanced me or made me feel good and I feel that five years is a very long time to feel emotionally or romantically abandoned. I tell him that I would have sex with him more often if he would make me feel wanted. I never get that unexpected kiss, or I love You, You make me so happy, you’re beautiful, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, etc. My husband isn’t mean to me but his lack of romance is definitely pushing me away. I have talked with him about this and he feels that I am just looking for something to complain about. There are many times that I have sex with my husband just so that it doesn’t start an argument if I choose not to. When we do have sex, it is perfect. I love everything about it! However, my husband seems so self absorbed into what he wants that he does not give me what I want/need.
We just had an argument tonight about sex…The reason for the argument was because I did not give in to having sex. (Keep in mind that I WANT to have sex and with my husband only! When we have sex it is PERFECT!) I am just completely fed up with him thinking that he can get whatever he wants when my needs are always put on the back burner. My husband becomes a totally different person when I refuse sex (which this rarely happens). He turns into a smart@$$, tries to pick out all the wrong things I have ever done and throw them in my face, etc. He will get mad & leave the house and tell me that he will not be coming back that night and then he will show up an hour after that and walk around & say smart@$$ remarks until a full blown argument is formed and I cannot tolerate it. Tonight is the first time in a very long time that this has happened. However, I am tired of making sure that he gets what he wants when I have literally started begging for him to make me feel wanted & needed. Romance me, touch me, do whatever…..I have even told him that if he did those things that I promise our sex life will be even better.
I am at the end of my ropes. I do not know what to do about this issue. I am open to any and all suggestions. I would love to hear all male & females point of view. I am very open minded and would love to hear any advice that you could offer. Please help…I want to save my marriage!

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Old 12-29-2010, 03:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex but does not want to give me what I need. HELP! Suggestions wel

It's confusing. You have few different issues here. Sex is #1 but not enough information. What do you mean he only did what he wants in bed? What exactly he did to unsatisfy you in bed?
Pls give details.
Btw, other issues not about sex you might want to sort them out. I know they can affect each other. However, for men to have sex is easy, it's enough their testosterone is high and you're sexy. They're already aroused. Resentment of course can affect mentally but men with high testosterone, still need sex regularly.
So how is your husband's testosterone level?
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Old 12-29-2010, 10:02 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex but does not want to give me what I need. HELP! Suggestions wel

^ Sex is overrated while romance is underrated and it's not only a woman-wanting-romance thing, there's also a man-wanting-romance/tease/game/challenge thing (such as myself). It's nothing to do with the desire of sex itself or the lack of, it's the desire for intimacy and passion - along with the feeling that you're not being used like a sex machine.
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Old 12-29-2010, 11:10 AM   #4 (permalink)
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What I can say is that I went through the same thing. My wife would have romance from me like there is no tomorrow. Everyday, I tell her how beautiful and desirable she is, how smart and good mother she is, how beautiful she looks in her clothes, help around the house, making sure everybody is healthy and safe... She was cold, distant and controlled our sex life...you know, what positions, where the hands went, she would never allowed me to cum in her mouths or have anal sex...or anything new or exciting for that matter. One day, I turned 40 and looked at my life and I wasn't happy, then, I realized that every time I asked something to my wife, it was with resentment, I was expecting the rejection or the limitations about how much access i could have to her body and to her making me feel like she was into it....we fought and argued about our sex problems and emotional intimacy for a long time...i came to this forum and started asking questions and realized that when the love is there, that marriage needs work....you need to understand first, your husband sexuality and realized that sexual fullfilment and excitement are linked to the ability of the males to feel loved...if you don't give your husband your body with desire and passion, he won't feel loved...he'll feel empty...and because men have a hard time expressing their feelings is not a good conbination. So, what I propose is for you to educate yourself about men sexuality (there is very good readings here you just have to do a search by men sexuality), then do the same for women sexuality and share this information with your husband, look for threats here that talk about the same problems as you have and share it with him - the idea is making him feel like it is not the end of the world, that many people are going through the same,,,that is normal, and that it only requires work and committment. For example, my wife and I every two weeks on Friday we meet to talk for about 1 or 2 hours before getting home to our children about our relationship. This time is for both of us to talk about our sex life and emotional intimacy...it is important that you both realized that you need to give the other what makes them feel loved....your husband needs to feel like you initiate sex, that without he asking you, you go down on him that if he wants to go down on you or finger you that you will be receptive and show excitment, etc.....you need to tell him (if you love him very much) that with time, patients and love your sex life can become everything he ever wanted....but within bounderies that both can test.....the whole idea is for you to do something unexpected for him....one day, today, tomorrow, forget about what happened, try...and go to him, hug him, kiss him and tell him you love him very much...then when he is watching tv or whatever, go to him give him a kiss with tongue and then grabs his penis and tell him how much you want him...and that night, give him a Bj....and let him enjoying your body lilke he never thought possible. At the end kiss him and tell him that in the same way he felt loved and happy of feeling a strong emotional connexion with her, that you need the same but to another level...that for you, sex is very important and enjoyable but that the difference with him is that you don'f feel loved by just having amazing sex, that you need him to show you with actions that he has in his heart the love you need to feel from him.....tell him that your lives can be wonderful but only when both realized that you need to work every day on your relationship, that if he is not the kind of man that is loving the way you want, that he must make a rational effort to do it...no excuses here, everybody can change for the better.....tell him that if you both don't make an effort to show the other that you are the most important person in the world to them, the marriage is doom to fail....good luck!
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Old 12-29-2010, 01:25 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex but does not want to give me what I need. HELP! Suggestions wel

Quote:
Originally Posted by marcopoly69 View Post
What I can say is that I went through the same thing. My wife would have romance from me like there is no tomorrow. Everyday, I tell her how beautiful and desirable she is, how smart and good mother she is, how beautiful she looks in her clothes, help around the house, making sure everybody is healthy and safe... She was cold, distant and controlled our sex life...you know, what positions, where the hands went, she would never allowed me to cum in her mouths or have anal sex...or anything new or exciting for that matter. One day, I turned 40 and looked at my life and I wasn't happy, then, I realized that every time I asked something to my wife, it was with resentment, I was expecting the rejection or the limitations about how much access i could have to her body and to her making me feel like she was into it....we fought and argued about our sex problems and emotional intimacy for a long time...i came to this forum and started asking questions and realized that when the love is there, that marriage needs work....you need to understand first, your husband sexuality and realized that sexual fullfilment and excitement are linked to the ability of the males to feel loved...if you don't give your husband your body with desire and passion, he won't feel loved...he'll feel empty...and because men have a hard time expressing their feelings is not a good conbination. So, what I propose is for you to educate yourself about men sexuality (there is very good readings here you just have to do a search by men sexuality), then do the same for women sexuality and share this information with your husband, look for threats here that talk about the same problems as you have and share it with him - the idea is making him feel like it is not the end of the world, that many people are going through the same,,,that is normal, and that it only requires work and committment. For example, my wife and I every two weeks on Friday we meet to talk for about 1 or 2 hours before getting home to our children about our relationship. This time is for both of us to talk about our sex life and emotional intimacy...it is important that you both realized that you need to give the other what makes them feel loved....your husband needs to feel like you initiate sex, that without he asking you, you go down on him that if he wants to go down on you or finger you that you will be receptive and show excitment, etc.....you need to tell him (if you love him very much) that with time, patients and love your sex life can become everything he ever wanted....but within bounderies that both can test.....the whole idea is for you to do something unexpected for him....one day, today, tomorrow, forget about what happened, try...and go to him, hug him, kiss him and tell him you love him very much...then when he is watching tv or whatever, go to him give him a kiss with tongue and then grabs his penis and tell him how much you want him...and that night, give him a Bj....and let him enjoying your body lilke he never thought possible. At the end kiss him and tell him that in the same way he felt loved and happy of feeling a strong emotional connexion with her, that you need the same but to another level...that for you, sex is very important and enjoyable but that the difference with him is that you don'f feel loved by just having amazing sex, that you need him to show you with actions that he has in his heart the love you need to feel from him.....tell him that your lives can be wonderful but only when both realized that you need to work every day on your relationship, that if he is not the kind of man that is loving the way you want, that he must make a rational effort to do it...no excuses here, everybody can change for the better.....tell him that if you both don't make an effort to show the other that you are the most important person in the world to them, the marriage is doom to fail....good luck!
She is asking for help on how to get her needs met from a lazy and selfish man. How will giving him more help her? Is the man more important than the woman? I think your emphasis on your needs colors the way you see relationships. However, women are not ciphers and if her husband can not meet her needs then she has the perfect right to stop having sex with him and divorce and find someone more capable. She has made what she needs from him very very clear, now the ball is in his court. BTW, this marriage is doomed because HE is not performing, not her.

If he cannot motivate himself to make her feel love where is she going to get the every to make him even more happy. Women have needs too, we are not ciphers, to ask her to give even more is just ridiculous.

OP I think men who don't listen after repeated request should have sex completely cut off as a last resort. Let him know how you feel and that the marriage is in danger. It's unfortunate but many men will ignore their wives request as long as they get sex. Sex is the only language they seem to understand. I don't think denying sex should be taken lightly but you have done all the right things - you have repeatedly communicated what you need - he is unwilling to meet your needs. But he expects you to meet his.

He sounds self-centered and lazy and more importantly, he thinks you will not leave him and he can do as he pleases. I think the only way to get through to him is to give him a choice, he can stay married to you if he works on mutual satisfaction or you can both find partners more compatible. If you decide to stay, I would not have more children with this man than you can handle on your own. He may change temporary until he thinks you can't get out. Don't ever box yourself in if you decide to stay with him.

I would let him know that divorce is on the table, you may want to separate for 3 - 6 months to give you and him space to think.
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Old 12-29-2010, 02:14 PM   #6 (permalink)
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She is asking for help on how to get her needs met from a lazy and selfish man. How will giving him more help her? Is the man more important than the woman? I think your emphasis on your needs colors the way you see relationships. However, women are not ciphers and if her husband can not meet her needs then she has the perfect right to stop having sex with him and divorce and find someone more capable. She has made what she needs from him very very clear, now the ball is in his court. BTW, this marriage is doomed because HE is not performing, not her.

If he cannot motivate himself to make her feel love where is she going to get the every to make him even more happy. Women have needs too, we are not ciphers, to ask her to give even more is just ridiculous.

OP I think men who don't listen after repeated request should have sex completely cut off as a last resort. Let him know how you feel and that the marriage is in danger. It's unfortunate but many men will ignore their wives request as long as they get sex. Sex is the only language they seem to understand. I don't think denying sex should be taken lightly but you have done all the right things - you have repeatedly communicated what you need - he is unwilling to meet your needs. But he expects you to meet his.

He sounds self-centered and lazy and more importantly, he thinks you will not leave him and he can do as he pleases. I think the only way to get through to him is to give him a choice, he can stay married to you if he works on mutual satisfaction or you can both find partners more compatible. If you decide to stay, I would not have more children with this man than you can handle on your own. He may change temporary until he thinks you can't get out. Don't ever box yourself in if you decide to stay with him.

I would let him know that divorce is on the table, you may want to separate for 3 - 6 months to give you and him space to think.
Your words have resentment....someone has to walk the first step...if the men can't express himself...so the marriage is over?...or is the woman who can show him how things could be if he is to change and or work on the relationship....be careful what kind of advise you give...remember that is about saving a marriage not telling her to stay put and keep suffering....
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Old 12-29-2010, 02:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex but does not want to give me what I need. HELP! Suggestions wel

He might get some benefit from reading my blog. Start at the beginning...
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Old 12-29-2010, 04:01 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex but does not want to give me what I need. HELP! Suggestions wel

It is true that despite numerous attempts the OP's husband has refused to listen and has not even tried to do anything about it either then demand. I would suggest putting the foot down too, but that's just me.

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Old 12-29-2010, 04:42 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants sex but does not want to give me what I need. HELP! Suggestions wel

I read your other post too, your husband sounds very controlling. That's no way to live. Is he like this outside of the bedroom as well?
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Old 12-29-2010, 04:44 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Your words have resentment....someone has to walk the first step...if the men can't express himself...so the marriage is over?...or is the woman who can show him how things could be if he is to change and or work on the relationship....be careful what kind of advise you give...remember that is about saving a marriage not telling her to stay put and keep suffering....
What???

As I said, it appears she is asking for help to manage a man who is not satisfying her. He seems to have no problem expressing himself already rather his problem is listening.

Resentment - no - I am exasperated at the common wrong-headed advice that a woman needs to bend over backwards to please a man to make a relationship work. Talk about bad advice - this woman is contemplating divorcing her husband over this and to suggest that she should try to show him more love and sexual satisfaction on the off chance that he might get inspired enough to meet her needs. This wont work and if she follows this, she will walk out of the door in a week.

Let me give you some facts - women put up with dissatisfying relationship for years and then get feed up and leave. Women initiate 75% of the divorces. You can read many stories here about men who are surprised by the depth of their wives dissatisfaction. They often regret not paying attention to her request over the years. When a woman is fed up after years of trying, it too late.

To save this relationship, he has to wake up or she will leave. Believe it or not, a man's sexual satisfaction is not the most important element in the relationship. The relationship does not sink or swim based on how sexually happy he is but, on how happy they both are. At any rate you should be careful about the unbalanced advice you give.
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Old 12-30-2010, 09:33 AM   #11 (permalink)
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So what you are suggesting based on her story is to leave the husband...to divorce...there is no help?,,,,right?...so where is the advise to try to help her to save the marriage?...i see no advise from you....at least I am trying to suggest something...if the husband only wants to satisfy his needs without thinking of his wife then she needs to tell him that she cannot longer live like this and simply stop having sex....how long before the man start cheating?...or the marriage is over??..they need counselling if no one loves the other enough to take the lead in trying to find balance....
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Old 12-30-2010, 11:45 PM   #12 (permalink)
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In order to save the marriage, or at least this part of it, BOTH parties must be willing to move towards the other in a way that can be compromising. Based on the wife's statements here (and keeping in mind that we're only hearing one side of the story, as always), it sounds like she is frustrated with doing what he wants without him being willing to do what she wants. I understand that frustration and I wish I had the right solution or words. But I do know that the husband would need to want for things to improve in order for progress to be made.
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Old 12-31-2010, 12:09 AM   #13 (permalink)
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In order to save the marriage, or at least this part of it, BOTH parties must be willing to move towards the other in a way that can be compromising. Based on the wife's statements here (and keeping in mind that we're only hearing one side of the story, as always), it sounds like she is frustrated with doing what he wants without him being willing to do what she wants. I understand that frustration and I wish I had the right solution or words. But I do know that the husband would need to want for things to improve in order for progress to be made.
This is common - a man does not satisfy his partner but expects her to continue having sex. It happens about as frequently as there are sexless marriages. A woman may try to tell her husband gently or not at all because of the notoriously fragile male ego.

This woman is doing what she should do, she is making a clear request from the m,an who married her because he loves her. His is shameful for man, good for a boy. I don't know what he could be thinking, why does he think she will continue letting him use her? Because she loves him? Love is mutual he does not love her enough to put any effort into her satisfaction.

The only way he going to want to change is if he is as unhappy sexually as she is. She is justified in not having any sexual contact with him at all. She has repeatedly requested that he make an effort to satisfy her, he refuse to do so. She needs to set clear boundaries in this relationship, one of which is that she is not his sex slave. He either gets off his lazy fat ass and work his show or she closes down all operations. He has been served and the ball is in his court.

Not having sex is a serious step but, he has taken that serious step for some time. There is no justification that I can see that she should continue meeting his needs. She is his wife not a masturbation aid, let him jerk off with his hand, why should she let him use her vagina.
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Old 12-31-2010, 12:15 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Yes, it's common. I have heard it said repeatedly that men equate sex with love, so in order for them to express love the way their wives may want (which isn't a natural way for many men), they need to be satisfied sexually first. I have trouble with this...why do his needs have to come first? I will admit that I have my own baggage in this way...my first marriage was loaded with sexual expectations because that ring was on my finger without any attempt to meet my own needs. That's part of why that marriage ended. So I'm sure that my own perspective on this comes from a pretty loaded side.
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Old 12-31-2010, 12:29 AM   #15 (permalink)
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So what you are suggesting based on her story is to leave the husband...to divorce...there is no help?,,,,right?...so where is the advise to try to help her to save the marriage?...i see no advise from you....at least I am trying to suggest something...if the husband only wants to satisfy his needs without thinking of his wife then she needs to tell him that she cannot longer live like this and simply stop having sex....how long before the man start cheating?...or the marriage is over??..they need counselling if no one loves the other enough to take the lead in trying to find balance....
Did you know that woman are now cheating at the same rate as men? Did you know that women initiate divorce at 3 times the rate of men? These facts may cause you some pause but don't be so sure about woman they are deeper than you think.

Wishing does not make it true. Much as you would like to think that men are the most important partner in a relationship and they have all of the leverage you are wrong. Men are not the only ones with options anymore women have them too and guess what they are using them.

Many a man have made the assumptions you have made - that they can be sexually selfish and the wife has to take it or he will cheat or divorce. This is called sexual indentured servitude and it been out lawed by social changes in the last 100 yrs. Do you really think that a woman should have sex with her husband under any circumstances so he will not cheat or divorce. The men who think like you are dumped or cheated on, so watch it.

I disagree with you on that point and many others - reality does not support your advice - she is more likely to cheat on him and leave him than he is to leave her. He is such a bad lover, who in their right mind would bother to cheat with him? OK prostitutes maybe. He may be able to eck out a couple of ONS in the next 5 years maybe even a relationship for a month or at the outside 2 months.

He is probably in your camp he thinks his wife has no options - he is in a bad position and he does not know it. He is damaged good and he is the one who will get dumped and stay dumped until he learns to be a man.

Last edited by Catherine602; 12-31-2010 at 01:09 AM.
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