Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
My husband won't do hand jobs or give me oral period. I'm a slender, athletic woman who shaves her nether regions and is very clean. I give him a bj daily, watch porn with him, and engage in other various sexual acts that he prefers yet he won't reciprocate on oral sex. I've asked him several times why to which he said it had nothing to do with the way I look or smell. That was about all the information I could get out of him. He did admit that he went down twice on his ex-wife which really made me angry. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong or if there is something wrong with me. Help!!
No oral for you = no oral for him... See how that goes over.
Other than that, tell him that you promise not be be upset for any reason he gives for not giving oral, but you'd really like to know why.
C
Hello. First post. Normally just read, but this one I had to post on.
I could not DISAGREE more with this quote above. Sorry PBear, nothing personal, but this type of Judgment will not only cause even more issues, but will not get anything resolved. Try it if you like though and let us know how it turns out. I’ll bet I can guess the outcome though.
Unfortunately, both (yes, BOTH) of you are judging what is going on from your own perspectives, so there is no way to understand what they real issues are for the other person. And since I am going to assuming neither of you are psychic, the truth will be hard to get being this blunt, in this way. The best your going to get is what you want to hear just to get you to stop this line of questioning. I hope this is not too harsh (if it is I apologize) but too many good relationships go south for just this type of actions.
p.s. anytime the word “wrong” is used -- this is a judgment. In one form or another, it is. We have been taught from an early age that if I am right and you are doing something different I do not agree with, then you are wrong. Also we learn, if someone else is doing what we perceive to be right, we must be doing something wrong if the final outcomes are not to our liking. This type of thinking has to stop.
This is also true for “He/she should have…”, “I don’t understand why he/she…”, “He/she refuses to…”, “He/she doesn’t… for me”, and many other statements that relate like this. Did you know that judgments and even worse, judgment decisions are 90-95% of the reason couples fight and usually end up unhappy, separated, or worse?
Let us know what happens, then we can discuss what to move on to next.
If you were not shaved I'd say that's the problem but since you are it is obviously not that.
My guess is that he never liked doing it with anyone but did it anyway when relationships were new because his sexual desire was high. Now that he is married his desire has naturally gone down as it does with most people in long term relationships. So now he doesn't feel the need to do it and since he doesn't like it much anyway (for whatever reason) he doesn't do it.
Hello. First post. Normally just read, but this one I had to post on.
I could not DISAGREE more with this quote above. Sorry PBear, nothing personal, but this type of Judgment will not only cause even more issues, but will not get anything resolved. Try it if you like though and let us know how it turns out. I’ll bet I can guess the outcome though.
Unfortunately, both (yes, BOTH) of you are judging what is going on from your own perspectives, so there is no way to understand what they real issues are for the other person. And since I am going to assuming neither of you are psychic, the truth will be hard to get being this blunt, in this way. The best your going to get is what you want to hear just to get you to stop this line of questioning. I hope this is not too harsh (if it is I apologize) but too many good relationships go south for just this type of actions.
p.s. anytime the word “wrong” is used -- this is a judgment. In one form or another, it is. We have been taught from an early age that if I am right and you are doing something different I do not agree with, then you are wrong. Also we learn, if someone else is doing what we perceive to be right, we must be doing something wrong if the final outcomes are not to our liking. This type of thinking has to stop.
This is also true for “He/she should have…”, “I don’t understand why he/she…”, “He/she refuses to…”, “He/she doesn’t… for me”, and many other statements that relate like this. Did you know that judgments and even worse, judgment decisions are 90-95% of the reason couples fight and usually end up unhappy, separated, or worse?
Let us know what happens, then we can discuss what to move on to next.
Wild1, not offense taken (or intended now), but what are you suggesting to happen then? And what part did you disagree with? Asking him directly "Why won't you go down on me?", and trying to get an honest response other than "It's not xxx or yyy"?
I guess in my experience (an experiment of 1, to be fair), most of the mis-understandings and resentments come from assumptions made on the other person's thoughts and feelings. I think I KNOW what my wife is unhappy with, so I don't bother asking her and try to change my behaviour based on that. When that doesn't work, I get resentful that she doesn't appreciate the changes I've done. And then she gets puzzled as heck about why I'm all grumpy suddenly. When, if I just opened up and asked her, a lot of issues could be dealt with more effectively.
Anyway, you're entitled to your opinion, just like I am on mine. I'm just curious about where you're coming from that you chose my post as your first one, and you had to disagree strongly.
Oh, and I'd say the best response you're going to get if you push for an answer is an accurate response that lets you deal with the issue. For example, she finds out that he doesn't like clean shaven, and would rather go for a romp through the underbrush...
I'm just gonna toss this out there and say the once or twice he did this with his gf it didn't go over well and he is worried it just won't help you achieve pleasure or an orgasm.
My suggestion would be the next time you go to give him a bj tell him instead you want to try mutual masturbation and when you have driven yourself crazy enough watching each other(and after he has reached orgasm), plead with him to come finish you off with his hand so you can lay back and relax.
If he absolutely won't try mutual masturbation, then there are likely other issues as well.
Tip: When he does eventually attempt it, try to use clear terms when directing him to your pleasure spot(s). Example: when he's working on the clitoris, instead of using ambiguous terms like "deeper" use the phrase "push straight down".
If he is indeed nervous about it he will also be moving around a lot even if you are insinuating you are enjoying what he is currently doing by moaning, so he will need to hear things like "stay right there" or "don't move" or "just keep doing that".
like there are some women who wont under any circumstances for what ever reason wont give blow jobs, there are some men who just find going down on a woman distasteful for what ever reason. I almost never hear the men in my circle asking themselves whats wrong with them. It probably has nothing to do with you. This is why premarital sex is so important. Ofcourse if he fooled u (like some women do) by going down on u before u said I do, then there should be some understandable upset. Thats...like....total fraud!
Not giving u the courtesy of a reach around sounds plain selfish.
It's not just the oral, she said he won't use his hand either. Not getting either is pretty bad.
My husband won't do oral either, but he's fine with his hand or a toy on me.
I see nothing wrong with stopping going down on him. I would never give a BJ daily, if nothing is ever reciprocated. But now she's set up that expectation that she'll do whatever he wants, but she doesn't matter at all. I've only given my H 3 BJs and two were before I knew he would never reciprocate.
I wonder if he's nervous that his skills aren't up to snuff? Maybe he had a bad experience with his ex criticizing him or not being able to please her.
This is all nothing but speculation unfortunately. I think you need to sit down and have a sincere talk with him about it, and ask him to just be honest with you about the reason why he doesn't want to. Assure him no matter what the reason, you are prepared to hear it, and would rather know now and hopefully be able to work on it, rather than living with an unsatisfying sex life.
But just refusing to do it, and refusing to give a reason why is really unfair to you.
It's either the ex issue or he's just being plain selfish... To me oral is a trade off, if you want someone to visit your downtown... You must be willing to travel to thiers... And if he don't I suggest telling him next time, you want a bj... You gotta get me in the mood and you know what I like... And also by all means don't be afraid to keep bringing the subject to the table in conversation... It took me years to find my wifes hangups with oral... Sometimes you gotta wait til the trust is there....
What's wrong with me?? 
Re: What's wrong with me?? 
