Trying to rekindle sex life with my husband
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Trying to rekindle sex life with my husband

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-30-2010, 04:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 132
Default Trying to rekindle sex life with my husband

After years of dealing with my husband's mental illness (including my own responses to this which have been invalidating and that I've tried to change over the past few months), our sex life has suffered. Mostly because of my own resentments. I have had to "take over" most of the household tasks plus have to deal with his lashing out in anger due to the illness. I did go to counseling when I realized my resentments were killing my feelings for my husband, and have worked through much of it. I am learning something called "radical acceptance" about his illness and reevaluated my feelings about his illness and I am ready to work on getting closer to my husband physically. I miss it. We are well matched sexually, and until my resentments took over our sex life was pretty good.

So this week we've both been off work and I have been really making an effort to be pleasant (instead of resentful) and even asked him for a hug yesterday which he did. For the last 2 nights I've wanted to initiate sex, but I am having trouble. Not sure why as things have been ok between us for the past few days (which is good...for us).

Not sure what advice I'm asking for here, because I'm sure I'll just be told to jump his bones, and as much as I would like to do that, I'm still scared. Not sure of what, but there it is. Tonight he has a poker night planned at his friend's house and I'm thinking of sending him some texts indicating I will be open to having sex tonight. Hoping that will go over well.
Michelle27 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-30-2010, 04:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 7,321
Default Re: Trying to rekindle sex life with my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Michelle27 View Post
After years of dealing with my husband's mental illness (including my own responses to this which have been invalidating and that I've tried to change over the past few months), our sex life has suffered. Mostly because of my own resentments. I have had to "take over" most of the household tasks plus have to deal with his lashing out in anger due to the illness. I did go to counseling when I realized my resentments were killing my feelings for my husband, and have worked through much of it. I am learning something called "radical acceptance" about his illness and reevaluated my feelings about his illness and I am ready to work on getting closer to my husband physically. I miss it. We are well matched sexually, and until my resentments took over our sex life was pretty good.

So this week we've both been off work and I have been really making an effort to be pleasant (instead of resentful) and even asked him for a hug yesterday which he did. For the last 2 nights I've wanted to initiate sex, but I am having trouble. Not sure why as things have been ok between us for the past few days (which is good...for us).

Not sure what advice I'm asking for here, because I'm sure I'll just be told to jump his bones, and as much as I would like to do that, I'm still scared. Not sure of what, but there it is. Tonight he has a poker night planned at his friend's house and I'm thinking of sending him some texts indicating I will be open to having sex tonight. Hoping that will go over well.
You know - guys also respond to kissing, and backrubs and other non-sexual forms of physical affection.

Texting is good - just don't over-do it. It shouldn't take much to get his attention - and it could get a little annoying if the "boys" notice he's constantly checking his phone.

Good luck - and just have fun!
nice777guy is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-30-2010, 04:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 132
Default Re: Trying to rekindle sex life with my husband

Yes, and that's just it. Because of the resentments I've had for so long, pretty much all non sexual contact had dropped off of late as well. We have had sex twice in the last few months, which is probably because of my resentments (usual frequency is a couple times a week). I know that he is also harboring resentments too, which is probably not helping. I am hoping that because I know being physical is important to him that I can open the door by initiating sex as it seems that he's holding back from initiating himself.
Michelle27 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-30-2010, 04:46 PM   #4 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Wild1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Greater Chicagoland Area
Posts: 17
Default Re: Trying to rekindle sex life with my husband

This may be one of those rare times where I can honestly say SEX may be the wrong focus for you and especially for him. Not often one can say that sex probably will not be a good quick fix for a given situation - this looks like that situation.

Remember, do not judge what he is or is not doing as right or wrong. In fact, don't judge yourself either. Nothing ever works right when one person is right and the other is wrong in one person's mind.

Maybe consider just focusing on non-sexual touching and together time. Pretend it's your first date... dress sexy, smell good and maybe go out and do something you both like. Maybe a movie or bowling or something. Something where you can reconnect good feelings for each other?

Sex is a great thing and it is needed, but not to "make up the lost time" or to "reconnect". Sex is best when it flows from your comfort and happiness.

Just a thought.
Wild1 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-30-2010, 04:51 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 7,321
Default Re: Trying to rekindle sex life with my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wild1 View Post
This may be one of those rare times where I can honestly say SEX may be the wrong focus for you and especially for him. Not often one can say that sex probably will not be a good quick fix for a given situation - this looks like that situation.

Remember, do not judge what he is or is not doing as right or wrong. In fact, don't judge yourself either. Nothing ever works right when one person is right and the other is wrong in one person's mind.

Maybe consider just focusing on non-sexual touching and together time. Pretend it's your first date... dress sexy, smell good and maybe go out and do something you both like. Maybe a movie or bowling or something. Something where you can reconnect good feelings for each other?

Sex is a great thing and it is needed, but not to "make up the lost time" or to "reconnect". Sex is best when it flows from your comfort and happiness.

Just a thought.


Good advice. I still think kissing is very underrated.
nice777guy is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-30-2010, 04:55 PM   #6 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Wild1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Greater Chicagoland Area
Posts: 17
Default Re: Trying to rekindle sex life with my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by nice777guy View Post
I still think kissing is very underrated.

as well. Our society has downplayed kissing for far too long.

Why else would there be a need for this web site: How To Kiss | Kissing Advice For For Beginner, Intermediate, and Advanced


Last edited by Wild1; 12-30-2010 at 05:00 PM.
Wild1 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-30-2010, 05:17 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 132
Default Re: Trying to rekindle sex life with my husband

And that opens up another can of worms...kissing. I used to love kissing with my husband. But as part of his illness (I have to assume) simple things like brushing his teeth before bed isn't happening. I've brought it up before, but he hasn't made any real efforts. This makes me not want to kiss him like we used to. Ugh.
Michelle27 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2010, 12:57 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 7,321
Default Re: Trying to rekindle sex life with my husband

Well - that puts you back to hugging, back rubs, hand holding and other physical displays of affection that don't have to be sexual.

Just kind of wondering - is his illness treatable? Is he expected to improve? Or is it something where you'll always have the concerns about him not brushing his teeth and being able to do more around the house?

I'm dealing with something similar. My wife has fibro and chronic fatigue syndrome. I'm doing more than my share of work at home and with the kids and I'm also dealing with some resentment. So I understand it isn't easy.
nice777guy is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2010, 01:53 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 132
Default Re: Trying to rekindle sex life with my husband

My husband has a diagnosis of depression, but I am 99% convinced it's more than that. I've read a ton on what I'm sure it is, and he is a "textbook" case, so I've been working on things from what I can do from my end, which is helping. There have been mistakes on both sides, and a ton of resentment on both sides and even though I think we're making progress, we're also growing apart. I am missing the closeness of sex and want to get it back while we work on everything else. We're working with a couple's counselor and he is in counseling for his own issues (I finished a series of 6 sessions with a counselor on my own recently too about my own resentments) so trying, but we have a ways to go. In the meantime, I want to get at least something of a sex life going again for both of us.
Michelle27 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-31-2010, 07:36 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 291
Default Re: Trying to rekindle sex life with my husband

Things will only get worse if you don't kick him in the ass about his oral hygeine. Soon enough you will be dealing with toothaches and emergency visits.(Remember there is little discomfort until it's gotten really bad.) Gum disease also increses the chances of heart disease and stroke if left unchecked, so get him to a dentist and redo your whole "teeth-brushing area" with new brushes, toothpastes and mouthwashes. Brush yours in front of him and hand him a toothbrush, twice everyday until you see him doing it on his own.

Radical acceptance is a positive thing, are you considering any forms of meditation?

I'm really curious as to what you think is going on other than his depression but as far as the sex goes, however you decide to do that is going to be fine. Jumping his bones, him finding you naked in bed, being sultry throughout the evening etc etc. Anything is fine as long as the goal is accomplished, you have enough on your plate without dealing with that specific frustration as well.

Communication is good too, like: "You used to have the biggest hardest _ _ _ _ where has that bad boy been hiding lately?" .

I mean as long as we're not letting things bother us as much, we might as well go all out and get this done, right?
chefmaster is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-02-2011, 02:18 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 132
Default Re: Trying to rekindle sex life with my husband

Woot! 2 month draught is over, finally. :-)
Michelle27 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-03-2011, 05:47 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 291
Default Re: Trying to rekindle sex life with my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Michelle27 View Post
Woot! 2 month draught is over, finally. :-)




Way to go girl!
chefmaster is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-03-2011, 10:07 AM   #13 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 14
Default Re: Trying to rekindle sex life with my husband

This was a good thread to read, as my husband has chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and clinically diagnosed "severe depression". Because of his constant pain, our sex life is almost nonexistent.
Michelle27, when I read your original post, I wanted to say so badly that you had put up a wall to protect yourself and your feelings, and you had to somehow break through that to be able to become intimate with your husband. That's what I'm going through now. Trying to tear down that protective wall, so that I can be supportive of my husband, instead of keeping away from him.
mama4jesus is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-03-2011, 02:36 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 132
Default Re: Trying to rekindle sex life with my husband

mama4jesus, that's EXACTLY it!! That wall! My own resentments combined with that protective wall have made things harder, for sure. The resentments are what sent me to a counselor on my own for 6 sessions because I was starting to think about treating him as bad as he was treating me and I hated that feeling. I worked through enough of that in counseling on my own that the counselor pronounced me no longer in need of counseling, but it's certainly not gone. My husband goes back and forth wanting me to just drop the wall and understanding that it's there because of his own actions (and seeing it as his "punishment" for his own behavior). But he thinks a day of behaving appropriately is enough for me to take down the wall for good. I told him that it takes down a layer, but when he behaves inappropriately again, it's right back up again. Ugh! But...at least we've broken that drought which is helpful. I am finding myself taking down the wall more than before and was able to cuddle with him and allow him to see some of the feelings I've been hiding due to his inability to react appropriately. Such a vicious circle!
Michelle27 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-03-2011, 04:11 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
MarriedWifeInLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 2,050
Default Re: Trying to rekindle sex life with my husband

While our situations are slightly different, I have also been dealing with a husband with a severe brain injury, PTSD, etc. Our once great sex life also went to hell in a hand basket.

This, I've recently discovered is due to resentments he has towards me and he built up walls towards me and we both pulled away from each other.

Just take it easy and try not to jump in with both feet all at once. I tried that and my husband said he just felt pressured and that made him pull away more.

So take it easy...baby steps...follow all the good advice about non-sexual affection that doesn't lead to sex so he doesn't feel pressured and take it from there.

I KNOW what you're going through and I handled it like a bull in a china closet at first, but I've scaled way back and am just taking things slow.

You've made the first step by re-establishing contact, just keep it slow and steady - don't expect major changes quickly - they may take a while.

Good luck!
__________________
"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford
MarriedWifeInLove is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My husband wants to rekindle with his first love cdm9999 Coping with Infidelity 102 09-22-2012 09:19 AM
rekindle sex in my marriage jovelle Sex in Marriage 8 10-02-2011 09:51 PM
Rekindle the Romance lovesherfamily Sex in Marriage 8 06-27-2011 07:47 AM
Possible to rekindle spark? Seeker Sex in Marriage 6 09-07-2010 02:20 PM
Husband's in a rut. How can we rekindle the spark in our marriage? Hope38 General Relationship Discussion 2 09-01-2010 02:50 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:17 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage