Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Hi everyone. I'm usually a lurker, but today I'm finally facing some issues that leave me wondering what to do/say.
My background is this: 10 years ago, I married my best friend of 12 years. We were both virgins and needless to say, it was an awkward start. After 2 years of being best friends I admitted I wanted something more, and at first he didn't because he said relationships were too much drama. I did see him (during our friendship status) with one girl who proved to be dramatic and that did not last very long. He also had a few crushes. However, I backed off after he knew how I felt about him but did not reciprocate and it bothered him that he didn't get the same kind of attention he got from me before.
After several weeks of that, he finally said he wanted a serious relationship with me and we started "dating". It was odd, because we had shared many emotional experiences, but no physical ones. We had a few makeout sessions now and again and sex was difficult to come by because we lived with his parents during that time. I thought that was the reason, anyway.
But sex has been rare most of our marriage. We do give pecks on the lips daily. Usually as a greeting or to say goodnight. At times, a hug and kiss for a random moment. He can be very sweet. However, most of our sex has been hand stimulation or oral on my part. He will not do oral because the idea grosses him out. However, he never fails to ask me (usually weekly) for a hand job or blow job. I have tried telling him how it makes me feel over many years. He prefers giving me hand stimulation and blamed it on not wanting kids (and I was unreliable in taking the pill correctly, so I take some blame there) but not enjoying condoms. I've tried the kind, inquisitive approach and even cut him off from receiving from me until he gives me something. Only the latter approach has rendered any results. But the results are temporary. It's almost like pity sex.
So last year I had an IUD implanted and since pregnancy is not an issue we started having sex about once a month. I just expected more. Since we're still practically inexperienced (not by my choice) we have some good sex, and other times leave much to be desired. When that happens, I always reassure him that I still had a great time and we can try again soon and try different methods/positions until we feel great about it. I mean, we haven't really practiced much! And not often enough to learn from the last times, if you ask me.
I've had an I had to ask him again why we are not having sex and he picked a new random reason, but eventually he admitted he just doesn't like sex. He said he only does it to "release" a build up that he feels once in awhile. He just doesn't like to do it for himself so that's why he asks me for hand/blow jobs. He has stated his parents were never intimate around him, and I can accept that answer. But he won't go to counseling for that. He may also be self-conscious from a few of our sexual encounters not going as planned, but I've offered everyway I know possible to remedy that.
Also, last night I told him that I've been so insecure that I've Googled the issue and everyone's response is that he might be gay. He became extremely offended and started blaming me for being overweight (I'm 220 lbs.. but I used to be 50 lbs heavier when we met and it's not like I started out skinny and then he had to deal with me getting fat). I take some responsibility for *some* of that issue since being attracted to someone physically can be a big deal, but he apologized later to me saying that he didn't mean to blame my weight, and that he only said it to make me feel bad because I called him gay. I never did. I just told him that's what the results were and it made me paranoid because I've dated two gay guys in my past. One of them I had an inkling about because he wouldn't be affectionate with me.. the other I found out about (very surprisingly) many years after we broke up. Anyway, he won't talk to me now.
I know it's nearly impossible to give you all these details in one post, but the only other info I can give is that he's extremely OCD and a neat-freak and a money-hoarder. I'm having a hard enough time dealing with those issues because I'm totally opposite. Somehow, we've *mostly* found common ground on those things.. which I definitely appreciate. But I'm starting to feel like we've always been best friends and he does what he can to keep me with him. I remember asking him last year why he decided to date me and he said he knew he would lose me if he didn't. At first, I thought it was sweet, but now I'm terrified of that answer. I feel like he always wanted to be friends, but since I stopped showering him with affection (from my infatuation) he desparately pretended to want what I want.
I'm seriously considering a separation or divorce because I can't imagine another 10 years of marriage this way and I'm out of ideas. I've tried suggesting that option too, but he takes it as an attack, no matter how calmly I try to mention it. If it comes to that, I would love to split amicably and (if possible?) remain close friends. But who knows if that's possible given our rich history? I still love him very much and I know I always will.. but in a different way.
Well, I'm sorry for the longest post in history. I just tried to sum up something that is much more complicated and detailed than what I've probably portrayed. As is the case with most of us, I'm sure. Thanks for your time and opinions.
dont know about the gay thing...but my h isnt over the moon for sex, either. oral is his thing, usually its me giving, i get it here and there, mostly my fault for that, always too busy to sit down for something nice for me....
but we did have a lot in the first year...yea, just about one year living together, and it cut way back. it used to irrate me, but we talked and hes just more into oral, what can i do.
we have sex, but if im not like hey remember sex hello...hi..sex now...now...now, hey how bout now...he forgets and says oh you did say that.....huh...
for me its fine, and we have worked out a lot of things from the past. that could be your situation as well, if you started putting stipualtions on sex, and on hand j, and on bjs, and made demands, and used to for bargining, he will resent everything to do with sex, and pleasure for you.
you should tell him that sex is intimate for you, and its what you NEED to feel close to him. he might think oral is intimate for you just as it is for him.
he could be punishing you for years old issues. dont know. i think a little of punishment, a little more intimate for him.
or it could be his "kink", or his fetish. if thats the case, talk tell him is fine but sex will happen a couple of times a week, and if he dosent live up to his end of the deal...tell him nothing will happen, whatever he wants will continue.
most guys will feel a little guilty for takeing all the pleasure, and will come to a understanding within them selves. like news flash...other people exist...
but tart by talking, and dont do it when hes unziping his pants. talk outside the bedroom. calm, non-jugdemental, no blaming, and no yelling. only acceptance of what and who a person is...
sorry its on the long side.
it wasnt my intent to come across like suck it up girl, just giving you some different ideals, and different ways of fig out reasons..
I am assuming with sex just ONCE a month, he is doing an awful lot of masterbating. Even though he says he does not like it & just needs a release occasionally -eeehhhh -that is a hard one to swallow from any man! Maybe he is ashamed to admit his carnal nature even to you, his wife. Maybe he has repressed his sexually to such an extent, he can not admit he enjoys the act at all.
Crazier things have been known to happen.
Have you ever asked , caught him masterbating ? Does he use porn? From the way you describe his parents, was he raised in a very proper strict religious upbringing? Sounds like his view of sex is very dirty.
As far as the weight, it might help to keep loosing, see if this has any effect. Have you caught him eyeing -gawking at other women out & about? Never downplay the role of sexual attraction on any male. If no interest at all, maybe he has lower Testestosterone levels & seriously has "little drive".
On a list of reasons a man doesn't want sex with his wife being gay is probably last. But many sexless spouses jump on it because it lets them off the hook. But it is usually way more complicated than that, especially in long term marriages. Could be a lot of things but a lack of visual stimulation and sexual boredom are usually near the top baring any sexual dysfunctions or health problems on his part. He could be masturbating alone probably while looking at porn. Men love sexual variety and this can often make sex with the same person year after year something that can kill his desire.
Why is it when men dont want to have sex it is always the wives fault? If the husband has a problem with boredom in the bed room or what not then the man needs to open his mouth and tell her. We are not mind readers. Just my 2 cents.
I feel your pain. My husband is not really into sex as much now. About once a month here too. His testosterone levels could be low, That is a big problem with my husband. I dont know how old your husband is, but some men's drives go way down after 40.
I am sorry that you are in that situation. My husband seems to love sex when we have it, but we don't have it very often. Maybe a few times a year!!!!!! Once a month at MOST. We are in our mid 40s. When we were first dating, it was as much as three times in one day.
My husband is very definitely not gay, and I am not overweight. In fact, I'm attractive enough that my friends have guessed that my husband is gay too.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. He is always "tired" but will masturbate by himself occasionally. He told me this. I, on the other hand, love sex and want it quite often. He has a hang up about asking me for sex-- a few times a year is pretty sad.