Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I need to give a little back-story sorry so long but please read I really need advice.
My H and I have been married for 2 1/2 years and together for 10. He was my first (and only) for everything. We grew up in a very small town and at first it was hard for me because I couldn't even go to the local store without running into someone he had had sex with. It made me really insecure and put a huge strain on our relationship, for about 5 years I held his past over his head and was very controlling and jealous. I realized about 4 years ago how wrong it was for me to be that way and started to change. He was very patient with me, but his interest in sex with me went way down. He said he felt like it was the only thing he could control and because I wanted to have sex ALL the time saying no gave him power.
Recently I have caught him watching porn behind my back and trying to hide it. It has caused alot of fights between us. I feel like he shouldn't be watching porn more then he is having sex with me and he feels like its no big deal. Now I am no prude in bed and I even changed my jealous ways and bought porn for us to watch together and asked him to go online and buy porn that he would be into. For awhile it was kinda fun, but then it seemed like we were only having sex if there was porn on the tv. I explained how that hurt my feeling and caused me to feel jealous and insecure. He said my insecurities are my own problem and not caused by him. I agreed that it is partly my own problem but having his eyes glued to the tv while having sex with me did not help and made me feel used. I have always been willing to try almost anything at least once, but he has always been someone who wants me to change more an more while he changes for the worst.
For his birthday last year I set up an outing with a large group of friends to go to a strip club, it was a complete surprise to him when we got there because that is something I not only would have never done before but also had "forbid" him to do. I felt like this was a great way to show him how much I was trying to be more open and changing to make him happy. I got very drunk and ended up having a great time. I even ended up making out with a couple of my girlfriends (which he found "totally hot"). One of the girls is Bi and has been telling me for years how much she wants me, so my husband said something a few nights later about whether or not I would ever be into that. I told him kissing is fun but that's as far as I go. I thought about it for a few days and decided to ask my girlfriend that she thought, obviously she was all for it, but said she wasn't interested in doing anything with my husband. which was perfect for me because I didn't want them doing anything together either. I was going to tell my H that it was something I was willing to try, it never ended up happening because before I could suggest it he started acting like a jerk because he had had a bad day at work. I was angry that he was taking it out on me and said well I hope it was worth being a jerk over because you just blew your chance at a threesome. Now I know that was selfish because deep down I wasn't really into the idea of a threesome I was only going to do it for him. If I was able to change my mind so quickly or a little argument, it was probably never going to happen anyways. Now ever since then he has been trying to get me and my friend in situations where something could happen. I have kissed her a few more times, but I an still against the idea of a threesome I feel like its something that would ruin our marriage for good and definitely my friendship.
Last night she came over with her on again off again boyfriend for new years and she kept flirting with me. Her boyfriend got very drunk and feel asleep early and I said I was tired and going to bed. I specifically asked my H not to let her come back to our room because of the way she was acting. After about 5 min she was back knocking on my door asking if she could sleep in my bad with me! I said no and waited a few min for my H to come to bed but he hadn't yet so I decided to go check on them, probably a little of my old insecurity coming out. I found then in the mudroom talking and they both look surprised to see me and acted very strange. I of course jumped to worst case scenario and after my H and I got back to our room asked him what he was doing. He told the truth and said they had been discussing how to "convince" me to have a threesome that night! My H doesn't see how that should have hurt my feelings. I couldn't believe that he would not only go behind my back and totally disregard my specific request that she not come into our room, but he actually doesn't see anything wrong with the fact that he was talking to MY girlfriend about a threesome. I said first off if we are going to have a threesome with a girl I should be the one to invite her in not him and secondly her boyfriend was asleep on our couch. I feel like that makes my H seem so much less trustworthy that he would try to do that while she had a boyfriend and he is friends with the guy.
Now I don't know what to think and I am worried about my H actions, is this something that happened because he was drunk or am I seeing a whole new side of him that I don't like or trust?
Re: Help! Porn, threesomes and lack of communication
The problem unsure is that you are trying to play both sides. You are trying to be the porn star, cool wife, please your H but you're also trying to protect your heart. You're actually going against your heart in most of these situations. You are sending your H very mixed signals. He doesnt know where the line is with you. at this point he thinks his needs are what you want to meet, even what you should meet, because that is what you're telling him- most of the time. other times you know you cannot go against yourself and you pull back, probably feeling guilty for doing so and still not really taking a stand for yourself.
the hardest thing you're going to have to do is follow your heart and stop trying to win his. it is wonderful that you want to show your H that you care about his needs but if taking care of his needs means injuring your own heart its not going to work. It would be very beneficial if you wrote down what you are OK with and what you are not OK with, as much for him as for you. You can identify what you are not OK doing because when you do it you're heart will hurt and you might even feel resentful. Those are the things you are not OK with and should not do, i.e watching porn with him. Create a clear line in the sand and put it some place where you both see it every day. Find out what his expectations are from you and talk about it.
Re: Help! Porn, threesomes and lack of communication
You do have to work on your trust issue. Please remember, the more you distrust him, the less he is interested in you. He will be annoyed by you! And in the end, it is YOU who drives him away!
You don't need to feel offended that he is watching porn while having sex with you, it is OK for them to have fantasies in their mind, he won't be able to have anything with the women in the porn! Being threatened by porn stars is really not a smart idea for women to do.
Men like women and women together, it is their fantasy, my husband would jump to this idea right way if I want to try. But you are smart, not trying this kind of kinky stuff is a great way to protect our marriages. I just tell my husband that I don't want to do anything silly to ruin what we have. Does your husband like the idea of MMW, if he doesn't, then no WWM. People ruin their lives because they are too curious, they are controlled by their desire, not by common sense, they know it is wrong to do it, but they can't control themselves. Self control is a very important skill for people to have!
Re: Help! Porn, threesomes and lack of communication
This reminds me of my ex who was always controlling and distrustful for me, pushed me away into an emotional affair who I ended up married to with a kid. I also remember trying to spice up that particular relationship with exhibitionism and swinging, I just couldn't get turned on by her by herself anymore.
Fast forward to present times, although I have offered the same kinky sex with the missus - she considers it rather insulting, and stood her ground against it, which actually impressed me. Despite me breaking her trust once, compared to my ex she's much more secure in this (probably because she knows any insecurity will turn me off and push me away - she watched it happen, she stole me after all).
Re: Help! Porn, threesomes and lack of communication
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenpearl
You do have to work on your trust issue. Please remember, the more you distrust him, the less he is interested in you. He will be annoyed by you! And in the end, it is YOU who drives him away!
You don't need to feel offended that he is watching porn while having sex with you, it is OK for them to have fantasies in their mind, he won't be able to have anything with the women in the porn! Being threatened by porn stars is really not a smart idea for women to do.
Men like women and women together, it is their fantasy, my husband would jump to this idea right way if I want to try. But you are smart, not trying this kind of kinky stuff is a great way to protect our marriages. I just tell my husband that I don't want to do anything silly to ruin what we have. Does your husband like the idea of MMW, if he doesn't, then no WWM. People ruin their lives because they are too curious, they are controlled by their desire, not by common sense, they know it is wrong to do it, but they can't control themselves. Self control is a very important skill for people to have!
Re: Help! Porn, threesomes and lack of communication
There are two extremes that can ruin a marriage:
Extreme 1: These are the couples that party all of the time - do drugs, get drunk, swing, etc. They end up at end of their marriage wondering why they are broke in all departments.
Extreme 2: These are the couples who make their marriage all about work and raising kids. My ex-marriage was in this department.
It sounds like the two of you are drifting to the Extreme 1 and your husband is wired for Extreme 1.
No matter what Extreme you are, take it from me - DIVORCE IS NOT FUN.
I'd say 2 of the 4 Horseman of the Divorce Apocalypse have entered your marriage. You had better start communicating what you both think marriage is all about.
Re: Help! Porn, threesomes and lack of communication
You are right to be worried you are not really safe with your husband because he does not have your interest at heart. It seems as if he sees you as an object that he can manipulate for his sexual pleasure. He really does not seem to see you as human with feelings, the right to make decisions about how and who should touch your body.
How did you did your relationship get in this sorry state. You have to be very resolute. Tell him in no uncertain terms that yu are not going to have a 3some, you will never have a 3some and never to bring it up again.
You cannot leave a whisper open for him to think that he can manipulate you into doing this. Men with sex obsessions involving women get so addicted to their own pleasure that they begin to see any women around them as objects to manipulate to get their pleasure.
They can't get what they want with out another person (woman) so they objectify the women in their vicinity and begin to play all types of games to get her to do his bidding.
Keep your self safe what he tried to do was akin to sexual assault and your need to tell him and the bi girl that and if he try's any more arranging of unwanted sexual contact then call the police.
Your husband is in some kind of sick porn fantasy state, he sees you as a walking set of parts for his use. Addictions are difficult to beat unless the person wants to beat them. His addiction puts you in jeopardy why not go for a 6 month separation stipulating that he get therapy for his problem. In that time work on you, you probably wont want him back after 6 months.
Re: Help! Porn, threesomes and lack of communication
[QUOTE=Catherine602;231919]
How did you did your relationship get in this sorry state.
He never used to be this way and I feel like maybe I was trying so hard to change from being controlling and jealous, that I gave in on to many things and he is taking advantage of that. I have also threatened to to leave him if I caught him in another lie and then the next time I do I say dont let me catch you again or I will leave you, basically he knows I wont leave so he is also taking advantage of that.
We have a 2 year old son together and I dont want to take a separation because not only would it be to difficult for him we cant afford it. I live 4 or more hours away from all family and would have no place to stay
Since that night he has been acting better, but he always changes for like a week or 2 and then its back to the same old stuff. I have even gone as far as to find marriage counseling in our area and my work will pay for the first 5 sessions, I gave him the number and told him he needed to set up the appointment, that was months ago and when I approached him about it he said he forgot. He asked why I didnt just do it and I said he needed to prove he wanted to fix his problems and he didnt think who made the call mattered. I felt it would show me he at least wanted to try.
He has also in in the past brought up during a fight "maybe we need to go to church, maybe that will help" Now I grew up a very strict christian, until I met him I had never drank, smoked, done drugs, and I was waiting till I was married to have sex. While I still have never done drugs or smoked I changed alot for him. I dont feel its right to go to church just to try to look like you are a certain way unless you are truly going to live that life style and obviously he is not at that point right now.
Re: Help! Porn, threesomes and lack of communication
Seems to me that you could have NOT had your kissing friend over, but you did. I understand that no means no, but I think you are sending conflicting messages to your husband.
You kissed the girl, had her over and let her flirt with you. Make up your mind.
Re: Help! Porn, threesomes and lack of communication
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Taylor
Seems to me that you could have NOT had your kissing friend over, but you did. I understand that no means no, but I think you are sending conflicting messages to your husband.
You kissed the girl, had her over and let her flirt with you. Make up your mind.
No, what he did was inexcusable and to try to put it off on her is a common ploy. She was very specific she said she wanted her husband to protect her that evening but he was too busy plotting with the girl to coerce her. How is that conflicting, where is the message that conflicts that?
His wife should be his main concern, her right to do as she wants with her body. Instead, he was pimping her her to this girl like she was a body that he owned.
She did not engage in kissing that evening with the girl and she made it clear she was not interested in having sex with her or sex with her and her husband.
Just because she kissed her once does not mean that she has given up her choice to go no further. It was very clear. She experimented and did not like to take it any further as is her right. She is not a sex toy for their use with no brain or feelings
Whenever I hear "mixed or conflicting messages" its usually code for "I am going to interprete every move, word or deed past present and future to mean yes instead of no" It usually involves sex and overwhelmingly men trying to get a woman to do some act that he is obsessed with and she is not interested in.
"No" is not at all ambiguous neither is "yes". It is better not to interpret any thing because interpretations are biased in favor of the one with the obsession. They have the tendency to cause suspended judgement and even loss of empathy. If he was thinking of his wife as a person with feelings, he would have felt her fear of violation.
If anything her husband should be obsessed with supporting and protecting his wife.
Re: Help! Porn, threesomes and lack of communication
[QUOTE=unsure27;232102]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
How did you did your relationship get in this sorry state.
He never used to be this way and I feel like maybe I was trying so hard to change from being controlling and jealous, that I gave in on to many things and he is taking advantage of that. I have also threatened to to leave him if I caught him in another lie and then the next time I do I say dont let me catch you again or I will leave you, basically he knows I wont leave so he is also taking advantage of that.
We have a 2 year old son together and I dont want to take a separation because not only would it be to difficult for him we cant afford it. I live 4 or more hours away from all family and would have no place to stay
Since that night he has been acting better, but he always changes for like a week or 2 and then its back to the same old stuff. I have even gone as far as to find marriage counseling in our area and my work will pay for the first 5 sessions, I gave him the number and told him he needed to set up the appointment, that was months ago and when I approached him about it he said he forgot. He asked why I didnt just do it and I said he needed to prove he wanted to fix his problems and he didnt think who made the call mattered. I felt it would show me he at least wanted to try.
He has also in in the past brought up during a fight "maybe we need to go to church, maybe that will help" Now I grew up a very strict christian, until I met him I had never drank, smoked, done drugs, and I was waiting till I was married to have sex. While I still have never done drugs or smoked I changed alot for him. I dont feel its right to go to church just to try to look like you are a certain way unless you are truly going to live that life style and obviously he is not at that point right now.
I think you have gone too far trying to please him. Don't have any contact with this girl she is invasive and inappropriate make that clear with your husband. If you did not get up that night you may have been violated with your husbands help. You are not safe. If he brigs her around again have a few days of in house separation.
You are never out of options and you need to let him know that. You are not at his mercy. You never want to be at the mercy of a person who lies and does not accept your boundaries. You say you have no options does that mean that if he continues to try his trick to get you into a sexual situation with this girl, you will just hide in a closet to prevent yourself from being violated? You can drive 4 hrs to your parents with the baby and let them know what ia going on.
It sounds like you need support. Make the appointment for therapy and go your self even if he does not go. Who cares who makes it you already know he is not motivated. What will you do if things don't improve? Can you live the rest of your life with this man? You will never make him change he is likely y=to stay as he is. Can you manage that?
Why don't you plan for the future, go back to school get a job make your own money? When he sees you have options and can leave if you want I'll bet he will be a different person. Right now, what has he got to lose, if you think you are stuck.
Re: Help! Porn, threesomes and lack of communication
Thank you everyone for your response, I will keep you posted
Catherine602- Thank you so much! I will try harder to stop trying to please him and start thinking more for myself and my child. I spoke with the girl today and told her wouldnt be spending time with her anymore because I felt she had no respect for me or my marriage. I think this will help.
Re: Help! Porn, threesomes and lack of communication
Not only does your girlfriend not have respect for you or your marriage, it doesn't sound like your husband has much either (seriously).
Plotting behind your back to set up a threesome? Weird...sounds to me like he could be the type that would be easily coerced into a relationship outside of your marriage too.
I agree with Catherine602, never compromise yourself to the point that you are trying so hard to please your husband that you lose yourself in the process and allow things to happen that you are not comfortable with. I've been there where I was trying so hard to please my husband that I lost some of myself - but I have it back and I don't intend to lose it again.
Re: Help! Porn, threesomes and lack of communication
So it's OK for her to go to the girl and discuss the possibility of a threesome?
Look at her comments:
"I got very drunk and ended up having a great time. I even ended up making out with a couple of my girlfriends (which he found "totally hot")."
So she enjoyed herself. No comment about remorse.
"I told him kissing is fun but that's as far as I go. I thought about it for a few days and decided to ask my girlfriend that she thought,"
She continues to think about a threesome.
"she wasn't interested in doing anything with my husband. which was perfect for me because I didn't want them doing anything together either."
Not "I don't want a threesome", rather putting conditions on one.
"I was angry that he was taking it out on me and said well I hope it was worth being a jerk over because you just blew your chance at a threesome."
So she wasn't NOT having a threesome because she didn't want one. She wasn't having it because she was angry at her husband.
"Now I know that was selfish because deep down I wasn't really into the idea of a threesome I was only going to do it for him."
Here she admits she was going to have one.
"I have kissed her a few more times"
Obviously she is continuing the behavior.
Look, I'm not saying the guy was right, but I'm not going to say he was totally wrong either. SHE approached the girl to discuss a threesome. SHE continued a pattern of signals indicating interest. In her mind, she was going to have a threesome.
Blanca put it right that she was trying to play both sides.
Re: Help! Porn, threesomes and lack of communication
As for the Porn and hiding....I think couples watching porn many be fun but, sometimes we just want to watch it alone. As long as it is not the norm it should be not such a big deal.
Bravo for going to the strip cub to please him. While you may have send mixed signals you have a right to change your mind on this sort of thing. His trying to get you to do something that you are not inclined to to rationally is wrong. He tried to get you into a situation that would potentially get you aroused and do somehing you logically thought was dangerous (or in the very least you did not want to do).
It is one thing to go to strip club and in a drunken, horny state make out with your girlfirend. it is yet another to arrange a 3some to fulfill your husband's fantasy. He is now obsessed with this and you need reiterate it will never ever happen and to accept it.
My wife has admitted to liking girls on some level and i would love to see her with anothe women. That said I would ONLY try to live out the fantasy if she understood what was involved and was a willing participant. Even then, i think I would be the one to think it is a bad idea.
You have given an inch and he has taken a mile. He should be happy that you are as open and giving as you are. I think his actions are not cool. I am not sure how he is on other aspects of your relatinoship but, he is comming accross as very insensitive selfish, jerk. Sorry to be blunt. Perhaps i don't know him well enough.
Help! Porn, threesomes and lack of communication 
Re: Help! Porn, threesomes and lack of communication 
No, what he did was inexcusable and to try to put it off on her is a common ploy. She was very specific she said she wanted her husband to protect her that evening but he was too busy plotting with the girl to coerce her. How is that conflicting, where is the message that conflicts that? 
