Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
So for a couple of days now my hubby has been giving me the silent treatment. His issues with me is that he doesn't want to initiate sex as much as he has, he loves blow jobs but wants them to be spontaneous, he hates me negotiating with him about what sex stuff he wants to do, but I don't, when he's mad at me and I basically suck up and try and be what he wants sexually so he's happy with me( and then once it's better I go 'backsliding' to my normal behaviour). The main thing that really happened is he went and had a shower, then after the kids were put to bed I was real tired and I said goodnight to him. He looked at me all funny and kissed me goodnight and so I went to go to sleep and realized he wanted a blow job-remembering he has a shower so he smelled good. I go get the bedroom ready for it and call to him and he doesn't respond...so I figure he didn't hear me and came to the living room where I knew he'd hear me, and he tells me he's not taking my **** and go away...realize here he didn't tell me what he wants...and since then he's been in his little snit and will not speak with me about anything, will be courteous but once the kids are in bed he just ignores me. We have been married for 10 years now so we have some of the same issues since day one and he's tired of them.
Basically guys get hung up on the whole "why doesn't she initate" thing because they think for some reason a woman is going to act like a man in bed. The other reason is because they aren't really sexy enough to pull your attention.
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The main issue here to me sounds more like he acts like a child who pouts when he doesn't get his way. The silent treatment is a form of abuse, google it. Its about control. He needs better communication skills. Have you all tried counseling?
Thanks Pandakiss for posting, it is helpful. Hubby doesn't usually do the silent treatment, he usually rants on and on and on and on until I'm deaf...
I just had a light go on...he just wants me to show him I find him special and and important and when I don't he reacts and gets angry. But now my mind is looking to how does he make me feel special and important and he doesn't do much. A cycle for sure, where I give and give and where he takes, and hardly gives back, oh what is the right thing to do here? I have done this for this whole time we've been together where I give to him in various forms and he just takes and feels that is good enough. There is so much more to this then what I am able to express...I guess I feel like he's another kid...I clean up after three kids not two, where he doesn't have to do anything, but when he does I should be happy...happy that he works(though that's not the case right now as he finished some apprentice training)
I think of birthday and Christmas gift and how I would go and get my own...(though this year I insisted on him getting mine) I spent like $200 on his birthday present and Christmas present and mine is a book. and nothing. I was happy he got me something and then it was pointed out it me that it's not very equal. He wants me to treat him with respect and special and important but does he treat me this way? No. Does he even think of that? I should ask him.
I think of birthday and Christmas gift and how I would go and get my own...(though this year I insisted on him getting mine) I spent like $200 on his birthday present and Christmas present and mine is a book. and nothing. I was happy he got me something and then it was pointed out it me that it's not very equal. He wants me to treat him with respect and special and important but does he treat me this way? No. Does he even think of that? I should ask him.
This said it all. OK, Here is the thing. YOU want and appreciate GIFTS , this is obviously one of your Love Languages, Sex is NOT paramount on your mind, BUT for HIM --IT IS, he wants to feel DESIRED, needed Sexually. Seriously you could buy your husband a $1,000 gift and it would mean little to him without your passion and desire for him.
And he, probably having Physical Touch as HIS Primary Love Language can not understand why YOU do not go out of your way to be affectionate -desiring to be physically intimate with him, as this makes HIM feel loved , special and happy. For you, maybe reading a book or going shopping has more appeal ?? (just an example)
It will only cause more fighting for you both to badger each other over these things. He is clearly telling you what he NEEDS - and you have as much as admitted after a time, you go backsliding back to your normal behavior. This speaks volumes to him -because what it says is : she doesn't really desire me , she is just doing these things to make me happy-or shut me up ! And this is hurtful to him. He wants your spontineity & your enthusiam in the bedroom. Nothing else will likely satisfy him - he is hung up on this.
Some men feel strongly about this, it is not likely to go away. It would help if he could rid himself of the Silent Treatment reaction though, yes, this is childest and about control & to hurt you for hurting him. Someone needs to break it.
Here is a Thread on "LOVE Languages", a test you each can take to figure out your particular Lanugage, what makes you feel the most Loved , treasured & special. Once your eyes are opened on these things, it could make a tremendous difference in your marriage -to put your spouses Language into action on a daily basis--then in turn, he will more likely do this for you as well. Gotta start with one of you.
This said it all. OK, Here is the thing. YOU want and appreciate GIFTS , this is obviously one of your Love Languages, Sex is NOT paramount on your mind, BUT for HIM --IT IS, he wants to feel DESIRED, needed Sexually. Seriously you could buy your husband a $1,000 gift and it would mean little to him without your passion and desire for him.
And he, probably having Physical Touch as HIS Primary Love Language can not understand why YOU do not go out of your way to be affectionate -desiring to be physically intimate with him, as this makes HIM feel loved , special and happy. For you, maybe reading a book or going shopping has more appeal ?? (just an example)
It will only cause more fighting for you both to badger each other over these things. He is clearly telling you what he NEEDS - and you have as much as admitted after a time, you go backsliding back to your normal behavior. This speaks volumes to him -because what it says is : she doesn't really desire me , she is just doing these things to make me happy-or shut me up ! And this is hurtful to him. He wants your spontineity & your enthusiam in the bedroom. Nothing else will likely satisfy him - he is hung up on this.
Some men feel strongly about this, it is not likely to go away. It would help if he could rid himself of the Silent Treatment reaction though, yes, this is childest and about control & to hurt you for hurting him. Someone needs to break it.
Here is a Thread on "LOVE Languages", a test you each can take to figure out your particular Lanugage, what makes you feel the most Loved , treasured & special. Once your eyes are opened on these things, it could make a tremendous difference in your marriage -to put your spouses Language into action on a daily basis--then in turn, he will more likely do this for you as well. Gotta start with one of you.
I agree. Touch and sexual interaction was one of my love languages, and I communicated that to my wife, but she always wanted to make it seem less important than her needs or, somehow, dirtier. For example, if she needed small gifts to feel loved, that was somehow more appropriate than me needing sex to feel loved. I was a dirty dog for wanting sex, but her needs were ok in her mind.
[QUOTE=SimplyAmorous;230929]This said it all. OK, Here is the thing. YOU want and appreciate GIFTS , this is obviously one of your Love Languages, Sex is NOT paramount on your mind, BUT for HIM --IT IS, he wants to feel DESIRED, needed Sexually. Seriously you could buy your husband a $1,000 gift and it would mean little to him without your passion and desire for him.
this is true.
How do I desire him when it's not a feeling I have? I don't need him sexually, as I don't come with him only...I need toys to finish...I want to be everything he needs me to be but I guess I just get selfish and forgetful and go do my undesireable stuff over again.
I am completely available to him for sex, but he wants my attitude of me wanting him, and that is something I can't seem to fake. I am willing to go to bed anytime, seriously, but if I am not into it, he doesn't want it. In some ways that says he wants me to be happy in bed too, but I have told him it's ok for him to be the only one to get the happy ending as it takes so long for me to have the same.
How do I desire him when it's not a feeling I have? I don't need him sexually, as I don't come with him only...I need toys to finish...I want to be everything he needs me to be but I guess I just get selfish and forgetful and go do my undesireable stuff over again.
This is GOOD you see this, you are not trying to defend yourself but admitting you loose site of what he needs at times.
Quote:
Originally Posted by married10yrs
I am completely available to him for sex, but he wants my attitude of me wanting him, and that is something I can't seem to fake. I am willing to go to bed anytime, seriously, but if I am not into it, he doesn't want it. In some ways that says he wants me to be happy in bed too, but I have told him it's ok for him to be the only one to get the happy ending as it takes so long for me to have the same.
For some men, this is a HUGE deal. I have read stories online where the guy is literally going out of his mind trying to give his girlfriend the Big "O", I mean, it was getting so bad, he was looking into meds to try, I never read anything so desperate, every position known to man, he was on a mission and if he could not get her there, it bothered him SO much, he felt he needed to break up with her. And she didnt even care! Like you. I was kind of "moved" to how important this was to this guy. Never forgot the post, wish I would have saved the link.
My husband is also like your husband, if I was not "into it", the experience would be HOLLOW for him, My pleasure = his happiness. Just try to understand, this means He wants to give you the world, he wants so much more than just "getting off" -he wants to feel that deep almost spiritual intimate bonding with his wife. So please try to look at this in THIS light
and appreciate his feelings, even that anger about it, it really is "frustration". It matters to him.
On how you can work up some Desire on your part --maybe watch a Romantic movie, read a romance novel, some erotic stories & when you feel frisky, chase him down, whatever it may take to give you some of that enthusiam he is dreaming about. Maybe offer to watch some Soft porn together to get your juices flowing. (Some of us women like it).
Can you orgams orally ? Has he been an experimental Lover in trying many ways to get you there ? Many books on this particular subject . I bet he would be thrilled if you suggested one ! Probably would devour it & be anxious to try these techniques. Amazon.com: i love female orgasim
You are getting great advice in this thread, the only thing I would like to add to them is a male-driven POV stating that it also is very possible at times that he feels these things are something that you are doing TO him, on purpose.
I'm not saying you are doing them on purpose and I'm not saying he's right, I'm just suggesting you keep that in mind when dealing with him on these matters.
On another note I would like to say in most cases where one partner is not achieving orgasm, one or two small changes can usually correct this problem.
I'm not going to disturb your thread here and take this conversation in a different direction. I would just like to say that someone that can have an intimate, detailed one-on-one with you, the same discussion with your hubby and then get the two of you together in private can almost always resolve this issue. Which might in turn help you guys solve the larger issue.
Thanks Pandakiss for posting, it is helpful. Hubby doesn't usually do the silent treatment, he usually rants on and on and on and on until I'm deaf...
I just had a light go on...he just wants me to show him I find him special and and important and when I don't he reacts and gets angry. But now my mind is looking to how does he make me feel special and important and he doesn't do much. A cycle for sure, where I give and give and where he takes, and hardly gives back, oh what is the right thing to do here? I have done this for this whole time we've been together where I give to him in various forms and he just takes and feels that is good enough. There is so much more to this then what I am able to express...I guess I feel like he's another kid...I clean up after three kids not two, where he doesn't have to do anything, but when he does I should be happy...happy that he works(though that's not the case right now as he finished some apprentice training)
I think of birthday and Christmas gift and how I would go and get my own...(though this year I insisted on him getting mine) I spent like $200 on his birthday present and Christmas present and mine is a book. and nothing. I was happy he got me something and then it was pointed out it me that it's not very equal. He wants me to treat him with respect and special and important but does he treat me this way? No. Does he even think of that? I should ask him.
meh, I am feeling all over the place....
As a married man of 10 years, I totally get your husband lol. I work 10 to 12 hours a day, plus work out in the mornings before work so, I'm often gone way before they wake up and come home maybe a hour before the kids' bedtime.
My wife is VERY project-oriented and EXTREMELY pragmatic, so she spends a lot of time on the kids, our home, making sure we are as efficient with our spending as possible, etc. That doesn't leave much time for me - especially in the bedroom. She knows its important for me - as I've explained to her countless times, when its so hard to spend quality time together with everything in our lives, sex, its the only way usually (besides late-night talks when the kids are sleeping) that we can be together w/o prior planning, babysitters, etc.
My old responses to sex were close to your husband's, getting angry, getting whiny, silent treatment, massages, killing her with kindness, taking on a ton of housework when I got home - i've tried it all. Doesn't make a difference. I've just finally accepted that sex isn't a monster deal to her. She'll go weeks without even thinking about it outside of feeling bad that we haven't had any. I've just accepted that's this is the way it is - as much as it will always bother me - sex is just another chore to her. I guess in a way, we hope that our wives get as "hot and bothered" by us and we husbands get by then. And I have no doubt that in some places this exists (supposedly ) but not all of us are so lucky. Don't get me wrong, my wife is a good woman and i love her dearly, she just has the sex drive of a senior citizen lol.
So my best advice to your husband would be to not make sex a divisive issue in your marriage, that won't help matters AT ALL. Just accept it and listen to any feedback that you offer, whether that means being more affectionate, helping out at home, don't be pushy, whatever that means for you.
My husband is also like your husband, if I was not "into it", the experience would be HOLLOW for him, My pleasure = his happiness.
I agree with this statement 100%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is EXACTLY how I feel about sex with my wife. She's not into it or does not climax, its not the same - I actally coined the saying in our relationship that if we had sex and she didn't "O", than "it didn't count". Stupid on my part, but that's how I felt.
My husband is the same way. Thinks when I "O" it's what he calls a "full meal deal" as compared to sex when I know I'm not going to have an orgasm but still do it because I love him. I have to say, and this might sound weird, but I feel like it's a lot of pressure on me...I do not need to orgasm every time I have sex...sometimes it's just not there, and I can't force it. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy sex with my husband those times.
Hubby mad at me 
Re: Hubby mad at me 
) but not all of us are so lucky. Don't get me wrong, my wife is a good woman and i love her dearly, she just has the sex drive of a senior citizen lol. 
