Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Re: Why no effective solution to sexual dissatisfaction in marriage?
Sailorgirl,
How old is he?
How was sex in the beginning and how long ago was that?
When did it disappear?
Quote:
Originally Posted by sailorgirl
I find this frustrating as well. My husband is the one who has no interests in sex, and I know I am not alone, but it does seem to be America's best kept secret.
When ever I bring up the fact that my husband does not want sex, and will push me away I get 4 responses:
1) Low testosterone, 2)he must be gay, 3) Did you get fat? or 4) He is cheating
His testosterone is normal, he is not gay, I have found no evidence of him cheating and I'm not fat. So where is the problem? I have tried approaching it from the way many people tell the husband to approach a wife who has been refusing sex, find out their emotional needs and fulfill them. I do everything for my husband. I work, I take care of the house, I cook most of the meals, I do the majority of the housework, I don't nag him when he does not do things around the house, I tell him and show him by keeping a nice house how much I appreciate him, I praise his bread winning skills...
I have asked him point blank what have I done or not done for you to refuse me sex? Have I made you angry? Am I doing something wrong? What are your emotional needs? Am I not fulfilling them? He tells me I have not done anything, that he does not have emotional needs and he simply does not want sex. It is too much of a bother and something must be wrong with me to want it so much.
Re: Why no effective solution to sexual dissatisfaction in marriage?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363
Sailorgirl,
How old is he?
How was sex in the beginning and how long ago was that?
When did it disappear?
He is 43, in the year leading up to marriage sex was fine, we had a semi-long distance relationship. We lived about 90 miles apart so we did see each other a few times a month and usually had sex during those times. It was about 16-17 years ago. the sex stopped pretty much the first month we lived together. When I moved in we had sex every night the first week and then did not have sex for almost 6 weeks or so. Then the sex pretty much slowed to once every month or two.
Re: Why no effective solution to sexual dissatisfaction in marriage?
Quote:
Originally Posted by sailorgirl
He is 43, in the year leading up to marriage sex was fine, we had a semi-long distance relationship. We lived about 90 miles apart so we did see each other a few times a month and usually had sex during those times. It was about 16-17 years ago. the sex stopped pretty much the first month we lived together. When I moved in we had sex every night the first week and then did not have sex for almost 6 weeks or so. Then the sex pretty much slowed to once every month or two.
So its been like this for about 16 years? Once or twice a month?
Re: Why no effective solution to sexual dissatisfaction in marriage?
When I was having problems with my husband, i had sex as little as possible with him and only when he got very insistent. That was only when I was very angry with him. I am submissive and he does not ask for sex but he just gently warms me up with kissing and tender touches or a message.
BTW, just so no one thinks he is abusive, that's how I like it, I asked him before we were married if he could do that and we made an agreement about what turns us both on and this is good for him too.
So my relationship could be a little different but sex is sex. From what I have surmised from a friends who talk and can get away with withholding sex is that they store resentment. The question is do they hold onto resentment without trying to get resolution because they want to avoid sex or is it the other way around.
Another thing is a big one is a change in the husband, weight gain, large belly, sloppy appearance, dress out of date or lacking style, poor hygiene, excessive drinking, staying out late, suspected cheating, ignoring until sex is desired, are some other reasons.
We hear about men being visual but women are too, I don't know why it is assumed we are not. Appearance does matter, the whole package. Weight matters and cleanliness matter, women have sensitive noses. Women are much less vocal then men because we are more careful about bruising the male ego although men seem to have no problem being critical of woman.
Finally, lack of sexual satisfaction. He may be selfish and or has PE or no foreplay just sticks it in and goes until he comes. Or size which is a very sensitive issue. If the size is smaller than usual then that may be a problem for sexual satisfaction. A larger that average one is usually preferred because it is hits the right spots. Not too big or it hurts.
Those are some reasons. Very few women will tell a man out right that he does not please her but, if sex is about 15 mins from start until finish, and it has always been that way, she is probably frustrated.
It takes me time to warm up to the idea of sex because I am not thinking of it. About 15 to 20 mins, of warm up to desire sex, it takes 10 to 15 mins to become aroused (foreplay) and 15 min for me to have an orgasm. So if I am going to have an orgasm, it will take about 45 mins from the approach to the orgasm for me.
I have been told and read that some men shorten things after marriage thinking that it is no longer necessary to be so romantic. It's really not romance it's having sexual intimacy for a woman. Sometimes women try to tell the man but he will not listen or he changes for a short time and then got into the old pattern.
If too many quickies, hj or bj are done, she may feel she is providing a service essentially and sex stops being satisfying for a woman.
I wonder if this could happen - lets say a couple has sex twice a week, and she give a bj to completion 2 times a month, quickies 2 times a month. So out of eight sexual encounters per month, she gets a chance to have an orgasm or extended time where her husband pays attention to her, 50% of the time. She gets to give him an orgasm 50% of the time they have sex. She could say, lets have sex once a week and cut out the quickies and bj and we both are satisfied.
Re: Why no effective solution to sexual dissatisfaction in marriage?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
Sailorgirl and MWIL have you given any thought to stepping back the attention you are giving your husbands?
If there is no ED and no medical problems like diabetes, hypertension depression that effect erection then it may be lack of sexual tension. If there is ED, men are very sensitive about this and have a difficult time telling anyone. Do you know if he masturbates or if he is watching porn. Do you ever see him with an erection?
At any rate, stop trying so hard. Become more mysterious. Go out one night a week even if you sit in your care just be absent. Don't focus so much on him. Stop cooking every night tell him you are taking a break and he can get a sandwich or salad, fix your self something let him get his own.
Don't do anything extra to make him feel comfortable. Ask him to do his laundry because you don't have the time. This may spur him to look around and see what is going on. If he ask tell him that your are very unhappy in the marriage and you have decided to develop out side interest and friend to take your mind of of things.
Acquire an interest outside of the home - take classes, go to the gym. The point is the less you focus on him the more he will be drawn to you because he is no longer sure of you. This is not a deception or game but mystery and not being too sure of the partner creates desire sometimes. Besides these are good things to do for your self.
If you find life unbearable with your spouses, would you consider separation then divorce if they remain indifferent?
I'm already working on stepping back and as far as the sexual intimacy issue, I've already stopped trying so hard, which has had the result I expected - no intimacy.
But I'm holding out and setting boundaries and we'll see if he caves.
If he doesn't, well, I'm still in the same situation I'm in anyway, right?
Re: Why no effective solution to sexual dissatisfaction in marriage?
Sailorgirls story is "exactly" what I referred to in an earlier post. As soon as her man "caught" her he cut sex to the bare minimum he believed she would tolerate. He simply "pretended" to like sex before they moved in together.
Once every month or two. Corresponds to an average of once per 6 weeks or 8-10 times per year.
Conclusion: He never liked sex. Which is fine - as long as you don't "pretend" to catch the other person.
BTW - I don't for a moment believe this is due to bad "behavior" on her part. Anyone with a healthy "desire" for their partner, will speak up if specific behaviors are killing desire. He didn't speak up because there was nothing she could do to change his lack of desire.
In fact I would argue the opposite is true. He really truly loves being with her - so much so that he stays despite having to have sex on occasion - which he dislikes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
When I was having problems with my husband, i had sex as little as possible with him and only when he got very insistent. That was only when I was very angry with him. I am submissive and he does not ask for sex but he just gently warms me up with kissing and tender touches or a message.
BTW, just so no one thinks he is abusive, that's how I like it, I asked him before we were married if he could do that and we made an agreement about what turns us both on and this is good for him too.
So my relationship could be a little different but sex is sex. From what I have surmised from a friends who talk and can get away with withholding sex is that they store resentment. The question is do they hold onto resentment without trying to get resolution because they want to avoid sex or is it the other way around.
Another thing is a big one is a change in the husband, weight gain, large belly, sloppy appearance, dress out of date or lacking style, poor hygiene, excessive drinking, staying out late, suspected cheating, ignoring until sex is desired, are some other reasons.
We hear about men being visual but women are too, I don't know why it is assumed we are not. Appearance does matter, the whole package. Weight matters and cleanliness matter, women have sensitive noses. Women are much less vocal then men because we are more careful about bruising the male ego although men seem to have no problem being critical of woman.
Finally, lack of sexual satisfaction. He may be selfish and or has PE or no foreplay just sticks it in and goes until he comes. Or size which is a very sensitive issue. If the size is smaller than usual then that may be a problem for sexual satisfaction. A larger that average one is usually preferred because it is hits the right spots. Not too big or it hurts.
Those are some reasons. Very few women will tell a man out right that he does not please her but, if sex is about 15 mins from start until finish, and it has always been that way, she is probably frustrated.
It takes me time to warm up to the idea of sex because I am not thinking of it. About 15 to 20 mins, of warm up to desire sex, it takes 10 to 15 mins to become aroused (foreplay) and 15 min for me to have an orgasm. So if I am going to have an orgasm, it will take about 45 mins from the approach to the orgasm for me.
I have been told and read that some men shorten things after marriage thinking that it is no longer necessary to be so romantic. It's really not romance it's having sexual intimacy for a woman. Sometimes women try to tell the man but he will not listen or he changes for a short time and then got into the old pattern.
If too many quickies, hj or bj are done, she may feel she is providing a service essentially and sex stops being satisfying for a woman.
I wonder if this could happen - lets say a couple has sex twice a week, and she give a bj to completion 2 times a month, quickies 2 times a month. So out of eight sexual encounters per month, she gets a chance to have an orgasm or extended time where her husband pays attention to her, 50% of the time. She gets to give him an orgasm 50% of the time they have sex. She could say, lets have sex once a week and cut out the quickies and bj and we both are satisfied.
Re: Why no effective solution to sexual dissatisfaction in marriage?
Sailorgirl,
The fact that he does not like sex with you has NO reflection on you. NONE. My guess - he would not like sex with anyone.
I think you got a raw deal. Heartbreaking.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363
Sailorgirls story is "exactly" what I referred to in an earlier post. As soon as her man "caught" her he cut sex to the bare minimum he believed she would tolerate. He simply "pretended" to like sex before they moved in together.
Once every month or two. Corresponds to an average of once per 6 weeks or 8-10 times per year.
Conclusion: He never liked sex. Which is fine - as long as you don't "pretend" to catch the other person.
BTW - I don't for a moment believe this is due to bad "behavior" on her part. Anyone with a healthy "desire" for their partner, will speak up if specific behaviors are killing desire. He didn't speak up because there was nothing she could do to change his lack of desire.
In fact I would argue the opposite is true. He really truly loves being with her - so much so that he stays despite having to have sex on occasion - which he dislikes.
Re: Why no effective solution to sexual dissatisfaction in marriage?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363
Sailorgirls story is "exactly" what I referred to in an earlier post. As soon as her man "caught" her he cut sex to the bare minimum he believed she would tolerate. He simply "pretended" to like sex before they moved in together.
Once every month or two. Corresponds to an average of once per 6 weeks or 8-10 times per year.
Conclusion: He never liked sex. Which is fine - as long as you don't "pretend" to catch the other person.
BTW - I don't for a moment believe this is due to bad "behavior" on her part. Anyone with a healthy "desire" for their partner, will speak up if specific behaviors are killing desire. He didn't speak up because there was nothing she could do to change his lack of desire.
In fact I would argue the opposite is true. He really truly loves being with her - so much so that he stays despite having to have sex on occasion - which he dislikes.
Exactly! When I asked him why we had more sex during dating he replied, "Would you have kept coming back if we didn't?" Then he goes on to say that we didn't have much more sex while dating. When we were dating we had sex about twice a month--now that we are married it's about once a month. So I don't have much of a reason to be upset and he didn't lie to me about how much sex he wanted since I never asked. I just assumed he wanted it more....His reasoning is enough to drive a person insane.
Re: Why no effective solution to sexual dissatisfaction in marriage?
Quote:
Originally Posted by nice777guy
So its been like this for about 16 years? Once or twice a month?
Pretty much. There has been a few times when we had it more often, but that was during times when I had threaten to leave. I have in the past year told him I am planning on leaving again and he pretty much said "ok." We tried counseling where he told the counselor that he didn't think he could change.
So I pretty much have my answer. I am working on leaving, but it will take a while since I have two children, one who is disabled (autism not the simple asperger, but full blown autism) and while I have a teaching degree schools in my area are simply not hiring at the moment. And finding a good paying job in another field has not been going well either.
Re: Why no effective solution to sexual dissatisfaction in marriage?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363
VT,
Excellent points. I absolutely agree that 3 big external factors impact my W's desire:
1. How I am interacting with her (more on this below)
2. How she and the kids are interacting (something I can influence positively - sometimes I do that better than others)
3. How work is going (which I can also help with and mostly I do so)
As for (1) it all breaks into two simple buckets:
- Doing my "fair" share overall so she does not feel resentful. That includes time consuming stuff like housework and more difficult things like disciplining the kids.
- Doing things that produce "desire" - which is mainly:
o Finding a joint activity - could be a sport or boardgame - that she gets literally obsessed with. And then doing that together a LOT - sometimes daily - for months. We just started a cycle like this with a word game called anagrams. In the past it has been racquetball or ping pong
o Provoking a playful tussle
o Saying or doing something especially clever or funny
Nice. DH and I JUST had a conversation about love languages. He has known for years that I just don't speak touch (not to say I don't speak sex!) But what I DO speak has been a mystery to both of us. Less so me since I was afeard to admit that I may be words of affirmation. And I felt that made me insecure and/or vane...
Now he can kinda know better how to make me feel all warm and fuzzy!
Quote:
VT - well done. I just realized something. This is way way more about "US" than it is about her. She actually stopped mid-game (playing anagrams) last night so we would have time for an extended trip to paradise and still get a good night sleep.
Thank you.
If you keep going I am likely to start thinking this is way more about "ME" than it even is about "US". Not sure I am ready for that.
Ha Ha. My DH and I joke that whatever doesn't kill you makes your stronger. After a big fight we joke that we both just experienced "personal growth". As long as marriages get closer together, I am a happy, happy girl.
Re: Why no effective solution to sexual dissatisfaction in marriage?
Quote:
Originally Posted by sailorgirl
So I pretty much have my answer. I am working on leaving, but it will take a while since I have two children, one who is disabled (autism not the simple asperger, but full blown autism) and while I have a teaching degree schools in my area are simply not hiring at the moment. And finding a good paying job in another field has not been going well either.
I still think you ought to widen your net geographically speaking in your search for a job.
Re: Why no effective solution to sexual dissatisfaction in marriage? 
