Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I’m 34 and I’ve been in a sexless marriage for 7 years. My wife and I have been together for 14 years and have been married for eight. We have two children, 6 and 2, both of whom sleep with us.
In our dating years sex was plenty, as it is for most couples. Things tapered off after our engagement somewhat and slowed down a little more after marriage (somewhat due to an unwanted houseguest cramping our style). After we conceived our first child (on purpose) everything came to a crashing halt. She had a rough pregnancy where she was sick most of the time. I tried to be the good husband and did everything she asked while not trying to put any demands on her. We had sex during the pregnancy and I got to handjobs in our first year of parenthood. She didn’t actually let me touch her for about a year and a half after our baby was born. We then had sex once every four months until we decided to have a second baby. For a change, she was actually concerned about sex. The trouble was it was all about the conceiving and not about lovemaking. She was trying to manipulate the sex of our baby so it was all about the timing, position and other details. I felt like a sperm donor that didn’t really need to be in the room for the whole procedure. Once we were pregnant we went back to the status quo.
We have the sex conversation every four months or so but it doesn’t seem to get across. Nearly every time I ask I’m told I have terrible timing and get turned down. I got turned down on my 30th birthday because “she hadn’t had a chance to check her email all day” and our 2 year old (at the time) was finally asleep. I find myself constantly looking for an opportunity to initiate but they are scarce. Our children both sleep with us. Our two year old still nurses and falls asleep on my wife’s lap/boob every night.
If I want to set up a sex date I have to find a week where she is only scheduled to work two or fewer days, book the babysitter and then skip a few hours at my own job. This gets even trickier while trying to avoid periods and premenstrual backaches as she is not interested at all in those times. Meanwhile, she manages to find time to get her nails done and found time to go running four days a week.
I convinced her that we should try to have sex every two weeks at least. She agreed, providing I promised I wouldn’t get bent out of shape if we had to miss or postpone one of the days. We pulled out the calendar and marked the dates over a two month period. We had sex once during that period, three weeks after the first date on the calendar.
I find myself almost scared to ask for sex to avoid being berated over my “terrible timing” and to avoid the feeling of rejection. When we do have sex it is fantastic, once she gets into it. It is a bit awkward at the beginning and she seems like she almost doesn’t want to be there but once she gets into it all is great. The trouble is, as soon as I finish she is getting dressed to go pick up the kids.
I’ve told her repeatedly how much all of this hurts me but she never seems to get it. Meanwhile, I find myself doing everything I can to try to make her happy. I agree to spend money we don’t have and go on trips we can’t afford because I want to make her happy.
Outside of the bedroom we get along well but I find myself detaching and being very much “in my own head” due to the sexual frustration. I also find it hard to talk about the situation because the kids are always around.
I’m just not sure where I should go from here.
Honestly, I think the next time you get a babysitter and arrange time for just the two of you, spending the time to sit down and talk with her about how seriously this is affecting your marital satisifaction would be a good investment. To the point of telling her that something is going to change soon, one way or another. If that's how you feel, at least.
You may want to read the "Man Up" post in the Mens Forum as well... Right now, it seems that she's got a pretty sweet deal going, besides listening to some whining occasionally about the sex. Other than that, she's got everything she needs.
You need to sit down and have a serious discussion and tell her you feel disconnected. Don't make it all about the sex, but it is a man's physical need. Chances are, she's caught up in daily life, and sex and you take a back burner. She probably has no idea things are as serious as they are. You could be a 100% faithful man, but in a moment of weakness you could be enamored by the attention another woman might give you. She needs to make time for you. And the kids need to go in their own beds.
There is no doubt that a sexless marriage where the couple gets along fine and the marriage is good except for the sex is a lot harder to leave than one where there is yelling and screaming and a lot of anger.
And if the sexually refused spouse is not constantly complaining about the lack of sex, or has even resigned themselves to it, then that creates a lot of guilt on the part of the refusing spouse often causing them to overcompensate in other parts of the marriage by being the best husband or wife they can be making any thought of leaving seem more like a betrayal.
And if there are also kids still living at home than that makes any thought of breaking up the family, simply to be able to have regular sex, a rather selfish act.
It's a really tough situation that can make you literally crazy, or at least very depressed.
There are only two choices, get a divorce, hurting the ones you love and going out into the world with the knowledge that you may end up in a situation just as bad. Or find sex outside the marriage.
A lot has to do with your age. In your 30's the chances or starting over and finding happiness are greater than if you are in your 50's. In other words as you get older your options begin to run out. If things don't improve you could find yourself stuck.
I'd try finding sex outside the marriage first and then, after a few years if you really feel the need to be in another day to day relationship with someone else, then you can make the decision to go.
Does your wife work out side of the house too? Do you also contribute to the house work? Making the meals,doing the dishes,getting the children ready for bed? Marriage is more then sex and it sounds like she has her hands extremely full.Take the time to care and show your appreciation and while you are are also taking care of the business of taking care of your family maybe she could sleep for a few days to get somewhat caught up in her sleep.
I know exactly how you feel!!! my husband wont make love to me. I am living your nightmare, I know how frustrating you feel lying next to someone you love, but know you cant reach out to them. I have been married for many, many years, but things changed 7yrs ago. Its strange because everything else is good in our marriage, we're very good pals(weird), however he avoids any situations that may lead to sex, he even changes the channel if there is a sex scene on, guess he thinks that might lead to it. Sorry you have to endure this, wish you luck!
Meanwhile, I find myself doing everything I can to try to make her happy. I agree to spend money we don’t have and go on trips we can’t afford because I want to make her happy..
She figured out how to get you do to everything possible to make her happy. Why is it you think she would start having sex with you now?
She figured out how to get you do to everything possible to make her happy. Why is it you think she would start having sex with you now?
Im exactly where you are except there is emotional and physical abuse from my husband involved.
The "not bringing it up and seeing what happens" will not work in your favor as you will begin to be more resentful that she has things the way she wants them while you are left in the cold. You will begin to have an edge to you that in turn will make her justify why she isnt having sex... you may not even be aware of the edge.
The "scheduling sex or making agreements" will not work bc they wont be followed through on by your spouse. Been there done that and had the promises broken just like you.
You either accept the sexless marriage or like Mrs B says, go have an affair. You will not be able to convince your wife to have sex with you and any effort to do so may backfire.
I disagree that an affair is the answer. That is just a world of hurt on yourself, your children, your spouse and the affair partner.
Start with not doing "everything possible to make her happy" and start doing everything possible to make yourself happy. Become so attractive that only good things will flow into your life. Read the Men's section about fitness testing and Manning up. The solution to your problem is to work on yourself (become more attractive), and figure out what your wife needs from her man (i.e. read 5 love languages). Don't use discussion, logic, calendars etc.... Just Actions. Don't ever beg and plead for sex again.
Kids out of the bed, the 2 year old needs to stop eating from mommy. At about 1 1/2 yrs old I literally took my kids to sleep in the other room and bottle fed them for about 2-3 months to get them off my wife's feeding factory and out of our bed.
You described my ex-marriage to a tee - the engagement, the marriage, the kids, each with a dropoff in sex. Especially Kid 1. The excuses. The Justifications from the Wife. Amazing. The sleep dysfunctions from our kids (esp. the 1rst one decimated the intimacy, as it's not fair to totally blame my ex on all of that - somethign I will go to my grave with and never let my kids know).
Yup, then she wanted Kid 2 so it was back to sex - obsessed with ovulating and timing the ovulation so I got my "sex ration" 1-2x/month.
Awful, isn't it?
I have no advice.
I only have one thing to report from the field:
15 years of marriage and we divorced.
I would tell your wife 3 of the 4 Horseman of the Divorce Apocolypse have entered your marriage.
Good luck.
As a side note:
Sometimes I think this may be the role of extended family - to come and realize that a couple is silently pleading for help, to take your kids for some overnights so you can reconnect and establish the intimacy necessary for a young couple, even if it's just a candlelight dinner at home and sex. But neither of our parents ever did.
They got an acrimonious divorce as "end game" and sadly, I think they were as much financially and emotionally devastated more than the kids.
Not blaming anyone. . .it's just that I think this problem is almost "societal" rather than a couple problem. Maybe a family problem.
Grandparents, if you see your kids suffering like this in a marriage with kids and sleep, if you can, please step in and make an effort.
What in the world are the kids still doing sleeping in bed with you? My kids NEVER, EVER slept in bed with myself and my spouse - this is a huge no-no and at this age, is going to be very difficult to change. You need Nanny 911.
While you're spending money you don't have and taking trips you can't afford, what is SHE doing to make you happy - sounds like nothing!
I have sexual issues in my marriage too - but I wouldn't put up with no sex for 7 years - that's a deal breaker, even in my open book.
If you have told her, as you indicated, and she still hasn't taken any action, then it shows to me that she just doesn't care about your happiness in the marriage - harsh, but actions do speak louder than words.
If you are so unhappy, what is keeping you in the marriage besides the kids? I don't believe in holding things together for kids, they can sense what is going on and it does more harm than good.
I feel for ya, I'm experiencing similar issues, but to a much lesser degree. I think I would have probably committed harre-karre by now if it had been 7 years for me!
Shelda: My wife works half time and I'm actually very involved in the household work. I share in cooking and cleaning, take sole responsibility of our finances, get the kids ready in the morning for school/daycare, bath them etc etc etc. On top of this I work a full time job, work a few hours a week at a part time job and have a side business. I'm not saying I'm super husband but I'm not completely useless either.
Everyone else: Cheating is not an answer for me. The very idea of it makes me sick. Leaving is not something I've ever really seriously considered. The whole thing is quite rediculous because I love her, yes she makes me nuts but I still want to be with her. If it weren't for this one thing I can't really do without I think we'd be fine.
We've gone over the whole breastfeeding thing a few times. She's training to be a lactation consultant and has every scientifically backed answer in the book. When I've brought up babies in the bed she basically tunes me out and points out crappy parents we know who don't co-sleep. In the meantime, she claims to be getting a lousy sleep 80 per cent of the time anyway.
Toolate: That is totally the cycle I'm living. We have sex and I'm happy for a while and then the days turn into weeks and I'm looking for another opportunity and it just doesn't come. Then I become bitter, in spite of myself, but try to hold it all in. Eventually my facade crumbles and we fight about it. The fights are usually cleansing but essentially resolve nothing as I'm still not really getting what I want.
That is totally the cycle I'm living. We have sex and I'm happy for a while and then the days turn into weeks and I'm looking for another opportunity and it just doesn't come. Then I become bitter, in spite of myself, but try to hold it all in. Eventually my facade crumbles and we fight about it. The fights are usually cleansing but essentially resolve nothing as I'm still not really getting what I want.
That is EXACTLY how I feel when it comes to sex with my wife. I we have sex, than it becomes a waiting game to see when it will happen again. My situation isn't as "bad" as yours, it seems to be come in spurts with us, we'll have good months and bad months, its just the bad months are more often and the good months aren't as good. She has a large excuse book on why we can't have more sex and better quality sex:
- she'll say she isn't as sexual as me and says she has low hormones
- that she's perpetually exhausted (we co-sleep too)
- she's sickly (not serious stuff, there's just always little things wrong with her)
- she gets sore after sex and basically can't be touched for a few days after (which is a relatively new development)
and who knows what else. we have our issues outside the bedroom too, probably like alot of couples we argue about money and how to raise the kids, but we are mostly good.
But I completely empathize with you and understand your pain. But two things need to be done on your end:
1) Your wife needs to understand how important this is to you, that it isn't about "getting laid", its about feeling that connection to you. I know this is a wireless world, but romantic love doesn't work that way.
2) You remind me of myself, you are too available to your wife and you spoil her. What I mean by too available is that she knows you are willing to have sex WHENEVER, so perhaps if you weren't that available, that there's a chance you'll say no, your tired or whatever. It might make her realize that you aren't open for business whenever she feels like it.
Just two suggestions, but #1 is MUCH more important. Get a babysitter, take your wife out to eat, nothing necessarily fancy, AND MAKE HER UNDERSTAND what this means to you.
Shelda: My wife works half time and I'm actually very involved in the household work. I share in cooking and cleaning, take sole responsibility of our finances, get the kids ready in the morning for school/daycare, bath them etc etc etc. On top of this I work a full time job, work a few hours a week at a part time job and have a side business. I'm not saying I'm super husband but I'm not completely useless either.
Everyone else: Cheating is not an answer for me. The very idea of it makes me sick. Leaving is not something I've ever really seriously considered. The whole thing is quite rediculous because I love her, yes she makes me nuts but I still want to be with her. If it weren't for this one thing I can't really do without I think we'd be fine.
We've gone over the whole breastfeeding thing a few times. She's training to be a lactation consultant and has every scientifically backed answer in the book. When I've brought up babies in the bed she basically tunes me out and points out crappy parents we know who don't co-sleep. In the meantime, she claims to be getting a lousy sleep 80 per cent of the time anyway.
Toolate: That is totally the cycle I'm living. We have sex and I'm happy for a while and then the days turn into weeks and I'm looking for another opportunity and it just doesn't come. Then I become bitter, in spite of myself, but try to hold it all in. Eventually my facade crumbles and we fight about it. The fights are usually cleansing but essentially resolve nothing as I'm still not really getting what I want.
You're on the right path, keep working on it with her.
When there are work, babies to take care, it's really hard for her to make time to relax & just enjoy sex with you without thinking & worrying about the kids. She also has sexual needs as you do but the very busy motherhog & work, parenting, all these tasks really boil her and you down. What she can do is try to ignore her true sexual needs. She needs lots of loving support to get her sexual needs back when she just fell in love with you.
You will make her understand she also needs sex but great sex, not just quickies & intimacy, which will bring back the magic feelings that keep you feel recharged & refreshed with her.
Keep up the good work! Posted via Mobile Device
My very dead sexlife 
Im exactly where you are except there is emotional and physical abuse from my husband involved. 
