Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Although I have posted some comments, I am fairly new to this forum.
Reading through it, it seems there are both husbands and wives with fantastically healthy and fulfilling sex lives - where they fully respect each others needs etc and that as spouses they accept (happily) their obligation to fulfill their parttners sexual needs.
Then there is the other camp that is full of both husbands and wives who do not have a fulfilling sex life. Unfortunately I am in that camp.
My wife does not 'French' kiss, (I do not have an 'oral hygiene' issue), she has never gone anywhere near my 'southern' region with her mouth, anal doesn't even enter the equation and despite buying her flowers and trying to be the 'perfect' husband the concept of sex (other than for procreation, which we have managed twice) is not on the agenda. Its as if you get married, you consumate it, have sex to get children then when you do get them thats it. Finished.
Some may be thinking...yeah, and? I love my wife and children and I don't want to lose the 'package'. However I need and want sex. To be more specific I need and want to make love to my wife...I want to have a good sexual relationship with HER, I want HER to to make me cum, I want to make HER pant and groan with pleasure because of what *I* am doing. None of that is there.
So...what do I do? Marriage is a package, if part of the package is missing you go elsewhere.
If you are loyal to Walmart and do all your shopping there but suddenly they stop stocking coffee (with you need and love) what do you do? Go elsewhere to get just the coffee!
Therefore I feel, that if your sexual needs aren't being met in your marriage then getting the sex outside is fine.
It is our fundemental right to be happy.
If people have managed to read through this to teh end...well done! I'd be interested in your opinion!
The blind can't lead the blind...same thing in my house. My husband stopped french kissing, once in awhile get a peck on the cheek. Any time I ask for sex, I get a "I am tired, leave me alone".
Do I relate, most definitely! Do I think you should shop somewhere other than Walmart? Good question? Some would ask if there more in Walmart that you like to purchase, or is coffee the most important item? If coffee (you know what I mean) is the top priority it is human nature to want to find it elsewhere.
Is it right? Not sure what your morals are, religious background..but it is whatever you are willing to live with that comes with it.
What would happen if you told your wife that you feel tempted in the marriage because you need this and it needs to be maintained? You might get your answer? She may either start being intimate again or she may not care ...think you should find this out.
Our body is designed to have physical needs, to have sexual desire, to have emotional needs.
Now to me, my opinion, those people who are married, if they deprive their spouses physical and emotional needs, it is a sin! If people think sex is a sin, I think people who don't fulfill their spousal duty is a sin. It is in the Bible, fulfilling your spouses' needs is important! It is glorified.
If a husband or a wife cheats because they are sexually starved by their spouses, I won't feel that they did anything wrong!
Or for me, easy solution, walk away, and leave this miserable marriage!
She doesn't need sex, YOU NEED SEX!
If she is a saint, she doesn't need sexual food to survive; YOU ARE A HUMAN, YOU NEED IT TO LIVE!
Therefore I feel, that if your sexual needs aren't being met in your marriage then getting the sex outside is fine.
It is our fundemental right to be happy.
You HAVE to talk to your wife about this first - before you act. True, honest, respectful dialogue, without anger, bitterness or resentment. Speaking to her in that way is the only possibility she will hear you.
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
She sounds very limited sexual experiences and she doesn't even know her potential and her true sexual desires...
You have to encourage her to try out new things and explore her body first. Posted via Mobile Device
Therefore I feel, that if your sexual needs aren't being met in your marriage then getting the sex outside is fine. It is our fundemental right to be happy.
You're absolutely right. I think my ability to find sex outside my marriage has actually kept my 22 year sexless marriage together. Find a Buddy With Benefits, preferably someone in a similar situation to you, and go for it. For many people, depending on marital sex for their sexual happiness is a recipe for misery. Life's too short.
There is more to a relationship besides sex.Communication is the Key.
Fixing a long term sexless marriage by advising better communication, or buying scented candles and sexy lingerie is like advising someone who's house is burning down to get out the garden hose. I suspect jezza's marital problems are way beyond the talking stage.
It sounds like his partner is suffering from Hyposexual Desire Disorder, one of the hardest sexual dysfunctions to treat or to cure.
Doing small things like house work,making dinner,doing the dishes,taking out the garbage,massaging her feet.Listening to want she feels goes along way in making her feel desired.
Sex is only unimportant if you are getting it or dont want it. If i am to keep myself for just for my spouse emotionally and physically then my spouse needs to make sure they are meeting those physical and emotional needs. If youve talked to her about the problem and done all YOU can, then tell her i love you and our life and our kids,but need xyand z. If you wont provide that then I take that as agreement that I will seek to get those needs met elsewhere with the upmost respect to you. then go get a friend
Therefore I feel, that if your sexual needs aren't being met in your marriage then getting the sex outside is fine.
It is our fundemental right to be happy.
If people have managed to read through this to teh end...well done! I'd be interested in your opinion!
Not sure about the word "FINE" but I would sympathize with your hurt, frustration, stuggle & temptation, even having understanding If you fall into the arms of another. But these things are not "fine", they shouldn't have come to this place.
As many others on here have said, you 1st need to sit her down, have a long heart-felt talk about how YOU are feeling deep inside, that you want to make love to her, but all this rejection is destroying you, it is causing resentment, you are daily frustrated. You are now feeling tempted to do things that you do NOT want to do, you are NOT happy living in a marraige with NO passion, little if any intimacy. No man takes vows to have their spouses shut them out, deny them & only want sex for procreation, or as bad as it is for some, lay there like a corpse, so the man can get it over with as soon as possible. I would NEVER stay in such a marraige, never in a million years, I would be completely miserable. AND I would be tempted to cheat as well before it was over.
I do not feel all high drive spouses are selfish at all , most want to GIVE & GIVE & GIVE to their partners, like you stated here ...."I need and want to make love to my wife...I want to have a good sexual relationship with HER, I want HER to to make me cum, I want to make HER pant and groan with pleasure because of what *I* am doing". These are words of a generous giving lover, you need to find someone who would relish in this with you , living to Give & Please as yourself. Nothing can build emotional connectioin as well as these things, and nothing can tear it down as much as what you are dealing with in your marraige.
Only low drive spouses will downplay the importance & role of sexual intimacy in marraige. They are not "feeling it" so they can not understand it.
But again, she needs to know. Do nothing hasty, you need to be able to look yourself in the mirror every day, you need to know you have done ALL you can salvage your marraige, especially since you have children.
Do you know what HER love lauguages are, do you feel you MEET them? Sometimes husbands & wives are SO very off in these areas, they completely do not understand their partners, but with some learning & caring to fullfill, they can turn these things around.
I don't think I could blame a person who go outside a sexless marriage for relief, but I wouldn't recommend it, either. Sex is pretty easy to find, but a decent wife isn't. Your wife's attitudes about sex (and your's) were formed long before y'all got married. Sex is a natural, pleasurable, experience. If she considers it otherwise, there's probably a good reason. She might be the victim of some prior sexual abuse or maybe she received some religious indoctrination that told her such things were "bad". Either way, she didn't ask to be this way. The real goal is intimacy. You miss connecting with her on a very deep, physical level and she probably misses that, too. Would you rather spend an hour giving a romantic massage to a woman you love or 5 minutes receiving oral sex from a woman you don't love? Sex is important to both of you. You were both designed that way. The problem is not her but whatever barriers exist that keep two loving people from doing what should come naturally. She's being denied as much as you are. Try to focus on what can be done right now to increase intimacy. As the trust and intimacy grows, i bet some of these sexual barriers will come down.
Ill be bold here: I think a spouse should take care of your needs within reason. Does that mean that he/she should fulfill your every fantasy? absolutely not because lets face it... some people out there are pretty freaky! But, you are asking for some hot steamy sex with YOUR wife, right?! and I don't think that's too much to ask personally. I definately feel your pain completely, as I too am in a sex starved marriage except I am the wife.
I have been going to counseling on my own, in attempts to repair my self esteem & thoughts on the subject and hopefully calm my thoughts on the whole sex issue with my husband. But I can tell you, even with these attempts I still feel at the end of the day that my husband HAS to start making every effort possible to figure out what's going on with him internally or I will definately start shopping for coffee elsewhere! What the hell else do you do when someone is depriving you of a need that you've had well before and during saying, "I Do." I've been very vocal about my personal desires & needs with him and it's been 7 long years together and I'm still not seeing him make very much effort to repair the damage or spark a fire. I'm an attractive woman in my 20's, college degree, outgoing & happy... loyal & honest - often spoiling my husband at times by trying to ensure his every need is met. I even work 2 jobs just so we don't have to worry about money! Yet, I still go weeks sometimes without a makeout session or sex. I will randomly give him oral sex without getting any in return and I am left asking myself sometimes - is this fair?! NO!!!!! IT'S NOT!!! Then to throw salt on the wound, you come across people at work or out and about that think you're hot as hell or maybe even flirts with you... so if they're willing to get on it then why isn't my spouse?! It's sooooo frustrating because all I want is my husband!
I wish I had a magical answer for you, but hopefully I helped you see that you're not completely crazy and maybe you took a little comfort in knowing that you're definately not alone & I agree that you deserve more effort from wifey with regards to sex. Let us sexless spouses find the courage to figure out the solution through therapy or conversations or WHATEVER it takes in order to get our booty back on track and take away the hang-ups in the marital bedroom!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Sexless Marriage 
