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Husband sends wife spreadsheet detailing seven weeks of excuses for refusing sex

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#1 ·
A wife consents to sex only 3 times in 7 weeks, and the husband puts all her excuses into a spreadsheet and sends it to her (actually, some members on TAM would consider that a lot of sex!). Rather amusing, although the wife was not amused. She took it publicly to Reddit to vent, and other sites picked it up.

The comments there are interesting, as you get a slightly different perspective of this issue than you do at TAM.

The actual spreadsheet can be seen here: http://i.imgur.com/cSCdYL3.jpg

"I feel gross" and "I've eaten too much" seem to top the list of reasons.

Also discussed here:
Husband sends wife spreadsheet to detail denied sex? - CNET

Pouty Husband Sends Wife Spreadsheet Detailing Sex-Life Dissatisfaction

My husband [M26] sent me [F26] an immature, inflammatory email as I was driving to the airport for a 10-day work trip. Now he has cut contact. : relationships
 
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#2 ·
I don't totally agree with the context in which it was delivered, but it is very useful to record data when you have a denier LD spouse. When you're confronted with "it's not that often" then you can show them something like this.

Interesting that this woman isn't ashamed to admit that she's shot her husband down 24 of the last 27 attempts. Not a good sign for him.
 
#10 ·
I read about this on another site, too. I think he'd probably talked to her about the problem and finally needed to prove his contentions, which she no doubt was denying and dismissing as is common with LDs. Given her "response", I think he should have divorce papers ready to give her when she returns from her trip.
 
#13 ·
Aside from what we do or do not know about their marriage, sometimes people need to see it on paper. My H is one of those people. They don't realize how much they do things until it's literally spelled out for them.

Did anyone happen to scroll down and read the comments? I always do this. There aren't that many but this one stood out:

AvaJohn 5 hours ago
I gotta go with the wife on this one. This documentation is sick behavior and clearly a prelude to divorce proceedings. This married guy is getting sex every 15-17 days! He should be jumping for joy! I know guys like this who catalog these perceived slights and bring them out at opportune times in order to gain the upper hand in unrelated arguments. It's sick, twisted behavior and constitutes psychological abuse. She needs to get out before it turns into physical abuse.

The bolded part freaked me out. She also got a few likes for her comment. Seriously? Sex every 15-17 days would put me in a pretty pi$$y mood...and I'm a woman.
 
#16 ·
Aside from what we do or do not know about their marriage, sometimes people need to see it on paper. My H is one of those people. They don't realize how much they do things until it's literally spelled out for them.

Did anyone happen to scroll down and read the comments? I always do this. There aren't that many but this one stood out:




The bolded part freaked me out. She also got a few likes for her comment. Seriously? Sex every 15-17 days would put me in a pretty pi$$y mood...and I'm a woman.
From what I can tell, that person who replied does not know the woman (or man pretending to be a woman) who posted the spreadsheet. So they are making crap up too.

People are good at doing that on the internet.
 
#18 ·
I read her comments about cooking and cleaning for him, makes me wonder if things were balanced at home. Clearly they both work, so there's no reason he shouldn't be pulling his own weight. Few things will turn a woman off quicker then coming home from work to a guy that doesn't pull his weight at home demanding sex. I too wonder if this was addressed directly, because sending her an email while on her way to the airport is a pretty cowardly passive aggressive move. Show it to her to her face and have it out, because barring other circumstances it's a legitimate grievance. Using "Friends" as an excuse is pretty weak though, that show sucked.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#19 · (Edited)
Her response is really interesting - she is angry not concerned and she didn't ask for guidance just vented. I wonder if he knows she posted this. Maybe his is an accountant or data cruncher.

I think its a parting shot so he doesn't care if his timing is off because she is going on a trip. If I were her, I'd have someone go to the house to make sure he's not taking all her stuff.

Some of the responses are outrageous. They blame him for being upset in the first place.
 
#20 ·
OK... I quoted her two most detailed posts below. This problem of not much sex has gone on for 7 weeks. Up to that time it's been 2-5 times a week.

Recently she's wanted sex in the morning which he does not want.

He's wanted it at night when she's tired.

It seems that he does little to nothing to help at home.

She says that this is the first she's heard that he's got a problem.


It's not normal. For the most part of our relationship, we averaged 3-5 times a week I'd say? Including a non-recipricated blowjob thrown in here and there.

A few months ago I looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw. I looked horrible naked and none of my clothes fit nicely, I had a muffin top. I've been trying to eat better and go to the gym ever since.

My weekday routine has been shower, go to work, get off at 4pm, go home and cook dinner, go to the gym, watch some TV, sleep. He's never up to have sex in the morning, and I never want to have sex after being all sweaty and gross from the gym.
He's totally guility of bottling up his emotions and then they come out in one fell swoop. Once or twice a year I'll come home and he'll just start in on me. But it's always been real issues, discussed (for the most part) maturely. Not this spiteful, childish stuff.
 
#29 ·
Interesting how nearly everyone automatically jumps up to take sides. Why do either of them have to be right or wrong here?

And keep in mind you are hearing her side, not his. Speaking of that, two things she said stuck out at me:

OA few months ago I looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw. I looked horrible naked and none of my clothes fit nicely, I had a muffin top. I've been trying to eat better and go to the gym ever since.
This seems to be a common theme on TAM. Women don't want sex because of their body image. They hate their body, so they refuse sex, so the husband gets resentful, so they fight. A lot of women don't understand that men like a little body fat and even a "muffin top" can be sexy.

He's never up to have sex in the morning, and I never want to have sex after being all sweaty and gross from the gym.
She can't just take a shower after the gym??
 
#23 ·
Why make that assumption? That kind of thing never happens? Why assume that she's simply a frigid shrew denying sex to a good husband? Maybe she is and maybe she isn't, but why assume?

And even if he's a total victim here a mature person doesn't send something like this via email when she's leaving; a mature person looks her in the face and says "i'm not going to live in a sexless marriage so i'm leaving".
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#24 ·
I have to admit to doing something like this. But I did not send it to my wife and she did not post it online.

My wife is LD and I am HD. Last year, we had a discussion turned argument about our lack of sex life. She thought that we had sex more often than I did so I started recording when we had sex or when I was turned down on a calendar on my work computer.

About 6 months after I started recording, we had only had sex 5 times with me trying to initiate 1-2 times per week. I tried to have another discussion and when I told her it was only 5 times and could name the dates she was shocked and kind of mad that I was keeping score. I told her that I was only doing it because I wanted to document what was actually happening.
One thing I noticed is that I started initiating less and less as the rejections started adding up.

Unlike the wife in the article, she could not claim that she does all of the house work or works more. One thing I often do for her is give her back rubs when she is tired without the expectation of it progressing. Our talk did not help the situation out and not much has changed since then but it was useful for me to see it all written down. I was also able to point out that she would probably not ask for back rubs anymore if I turned her down 45 out of 50 times.

So I don’t agree with how the husband in the article handled the discussion but I can relate to him.
 
#27 ·
She had also posted this though before she deleted everything:

Our sex life HAS tapered in the last few months, but isn't that allowed?
So it hasn't been just 7 weeks (Unless she considered 7 weeks a few months...that's barely 2 months).

I don't think that people all of a sudden decide to make a spreadsheet. I don't know anything about their marriage...but it's less likely that he just all of a sudden (7 weeks ago) decided to START recording excuses. It would seem that he had been denied a lot before coming up with the idea of recording excuses (which he came up with 7 weeks ago)

Does that make sense? I think I am confusing myself :D


For example:

H denied excessively for 5 months (maybe even talked to her about it)

Comes up with idea to write down excuses after 5 months

Records for 7 weeks (so that's 7 weeks on top of the 5 months before)

Gives results


But then again, there are stranger people in the world that may just start recording excuses at the first sign of one...you never know! Definitely makes me wish I knew the whole story! Gah my curiosity!
 
#28 · (Edited)
Or he started the spreadsheet when the sex slowed down for those 7 weeks. If he was recoding before this period, there would have been no reason to excluded the additional data. You notice that he does not record anything but yes for the days that they do have sex. So it not unreasonable to assume that silence means he is having sex and spreadsheet means he is not.
 
#35 · (Edited)
I thought it was men who like sex in the AM because their testosterone levels are higher. I've never known a person to go to bed with dried sweat and BO after a workout.

As far as body image? It's clear by what men say they prefer - perfect bodies but they'll have sex with an average woman who is available. In fact, there seems to be a common theme on TAM - D men are advised to get women younger and hotter than their wives to boost their ego and spite their wives.

If you really what to be fair - men are aware of their wives insecurities in this area or why would they play into it when it suits them. They deny it exist when it effects their sex lives adversely. Her concerns about body image are understandable. Also, its not a woman problem it's a man and woman problem. No amount of double talk will make it go away.
 
#41 ·
I think what he did was fantastic! Theer are many people who will try to deny everything until they see the proof.

Granted we don't know what, if anything else is going on in the marriage but we don't really need to as all he did was present her with the bare facts.

The truth often hurts...instead of being reticent the wife has gone on teh attack which is something alot of people do when confronted with the facts and feel they are in a corner.
 
#42 ·
A lot of women don't understand that men like a little body fat and even a "muffin top" can be sexy.
Which is why there's countless threads here on TAM about being a breast or ass man, and pictures to define how much a woman can weight to be considered "petite" "athletic" or "fat." Where there's posts that imply a woman gaining weight is abandoning her marriage vows.

Sorry, I call BS - if all you men love this stuff, where are all the "muffin top" lovers in the "why can't my wife just look more like Scarlett Johanson" threads?
 
#47 ·
Which is why there's countless threads here on TAM about being a breast or ass man, and pictures to define how much a woman can weight to be considered "petite" "athletic" or "fat." Where there's posts that imply a woman gaining weight is abandoning her marriage vows.
I have seen posts that imply both men and women abandon their marriage vows by giving up on their appearance and gaining weight, but we are talking cases of true obesity, not simply a "muffin top". The difference is that it isn't bothering the husband in this case.

Since you are so jaded, I highly recommend you read this thread, a classic example of a woman who was ruining her marriage because of her bad body image.

Sorry, I call BS - if all you men love this stuff, where are all the "muffin top" lovers in the "why can't my wife just look more like Scarlett Johanson" threads?
I just did a search, and I can't find such a thread. I think 99% of men are happy as long as their wives are not at an unhealthy weight.
 
#43 ·
starting january 1st of this year, i have used an app to track my wife's menstrual cycle and our sex life. she always over estimated how often we had sex and also frequently thought the last time we did it was more recent than it actually was. now that she knows i track things, her bull**** has gone out the window.

our frequency has gone up. i don't track her excuses because she says yes more often and when she says no, it is because she is not in the mood and that is typically due to hormones. i recommend this to any husband struggling to have the sex life they want.
 
#46 ·
I at one time tracked my sex life. I simply marked the day with an x when I got some, (xx if I got it twice, only happened once) left the spot empty if nothing. I did not track her excuses, or if I tried and was rejected. But I wanted to know if I was nuts to complain or not, make sure I remembered correctly. So I get completely why he did the list. Actually think he did well to give it to her, at least it was better than throwing it away without discussion like I did.
 
#48 ·
As a guy I think we do "keep track" way more than a women. If I bring up the topic we are not on the same page. Yet, I've changed to subtly keep track of if she O's more than once. I'm really happy if she does because that means I'm pretty sure I'm VERY happy. The last 10ish years (out of 30+) I've had no need to keep track as we are meeting up once a day. If we miss a day we talk about it (she usually brings it up) and make sure we meet up that day (or night).

But, regarding spreadsheet's, if we go down that path why not run apps on both phones that tracks sex, cleaning, cooking, shopping, putting gas in the car, picking up the kids, neck rubs, noticing hair, ...

You see where I'm going and I don't think it is good to go there. My wife is a HS biology teacher and has some crazy busy times. I simply try to help out in every way I can. She notices :D
 
#49 ·
WOW. Looking at this spreadsheet, it looks like a hard defined once every two weeks policy in place. Many of the sexless would be incredibly happy to have this.

He should have detailed the behavior for a good 6 months. It's a great idea, and with some video clips would be very useful to get someone to see that they are making excuses.
 
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