Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I'm not sure why I am writing this....maybe to vent some frustration...maybe to seek some guidance...maybe just for a bit of sympathy...or maybe a bit of all three?
From my posts, you will have learnt that I am in a 'once a month' if I am lucky marriage.
Last night my wife and I were watching a documentary in bed. I was lying on my back, 'propped' up. She complained of a stiff neck and lay across my chest. I was naked (sleep 'au nature') under the duvet. I started massaging her neck and shoulders...she took her t-shirt off (NEVER sleeps 'au nature') and asked me to massage and tickle the rest of her back. I did this willingly for about 30 minutes, by which time it was about 2315hrs. I was getting tired (I have to be up at 0700) so told her that I was tired. She got up, looked at me quizzically and asked if I was going to sleep. 'Yes, I'm tired'...I gave her a 'peck' (she refuses to french kiss)...and turned over. As I turned over she said "I'll tickle your willy tomorrow evening"....I ignored the comment. A minute later she asked if I was going to reply....so I did; "If the only reason you have offered to 'tickle my willy' is because I have tickled and massaged your back tonight, then I'm not interested". She made no comment.
Had she wanted to do something back to me whilst I was doing her back, she had ample opportunity to 'tickle my willy'.....
I am now at work, seething . Thank goodness for TAM!!
I think that you're overreacting.
Women always complain that men can't "read the signs" about when, where and how to make love. If my wife had taken her shirt off and laid across me for a massage, I would have taken that as a sign to go further.
She was obviously enjoying the massage and just allowed that to continue. No problem there.
After you had finished massaging as much as you wanted to, you told her that you were going to sleep and rolled over. That was likely a sign to her that the night was over.
She offered a repayment for the massage later.
I would have taken that rain check and collected at my convenience.
I think you blew it on getting that "tickle".
DanF....many thanks for your quick response! I think you are quite right, I probably have blown my chances. However, its a pride thing...I want my wife to do something to me because she WANTS to, not because she is repaying something.
She took her t-shirt off for ease of access to her back...not her 'breasts' because she doesnt like me going anywhere near them!
Also, had she wanted to escalate things, then instead of just lying there enjoying what I was doing to her for over half an hour, she could so easily have slipped her hand under the duvet and on to my.....
But she didn't....
I am not going to ask my wife outright if she 'wouldnt mind awfully touching my peenee a bit'... I have been rejected too often.
You know your situation better than I do.
If I couldn't french kiss, play with the "girls" or had to beg for some attention to my "boys", I'd be pretty frustrated myself.
However, I am willing to trade services with the wife. SShe'll ask me for a backrub, which I will do anytime, but she'll sweeten the deal with an "all the way" BJ in return.
I'm always for that!
I don't think she was initiating anything. I think it is exactly as jezza called it. She desired non-sexual contact. He did something nice for her, she was obviously aware that he was aroused but chose not to acknowledge that fact with a word or a touch.
She didn't want to have sex ... bet felt like she owed him sex.
And that just sucks, and I wouldn't want it either.
Your story gave me flashbacks. I can remember being in a similar non-sexual situation, and becoming aroused with no expectation of 'game on'. She looked at my erection and then at me like a friggin misbehaving child.
However maybe I did miss the 'come on'....I was doing the massaging stuff...the only 'clue' I got was that she took her top off so that I could do her whole back. She just lay there enjoying it and doing absolutely nothing in return.
Hicks mentioned that maybe she isnt as 'bold' as me....she was lying on me, I was massaging her neck and back, if she did want more she could so easily have started fondling me, but she didn't.
On so many occasions in the past I have massaged her back, and slowly moved round to her butt cheeks and and continued down and round for her to stop me saying something like 'all you ever want is sex'...or if she's being kinder 'I'm not in the mood'.
I'm fed up with being rejected. If I massage her back and she is ready for more (what *I* might want, need or like doesn't come in to it) then I expect a very clear come on...like her fondling my bits or a 'I'm feeling horny'....
It IS? What is hostile behavior is giving a back rub with a tit-for-tat goal of sex.
I think once you get stuck in this kind of dynamic, you are ****ed. SOMEONE has to break the tit for tat cycle and learn to just give selflessly.
I agree. And if it's the guy ... you have just, despite your good intentions of bridging the gap, unwittingly begun the downward spiral of nice guy syndrome. This DOES establish a 'gate-keeper' mentality.
The guy's best course of action is to do exactly what Jezza did. A stern 'no thank you' to offers of sympathy sex, if proffered from a place of grudging obligation rather than willingness.
That and being emotionally honest with your spouse instead of appearing needy or manipulative - which is how she will interpret your efforts at selfless giving. She may still think you're just being nice to get laid.
"All you want is sex."
That line is like an emotional sucker punch.
No ... all I want is sex with YOU. Just you. The woman I love. My wife. I want to have sex with you because of what you mean to me, not just because you've got t!ts and a vajayjay.
I guess I understand this... you want your woman to want you. I get that. But what is she supposed to do if she does not feel like it but wants to show love to you because YOU want it?
I may be in the minority here, but when my wife shows me love just because I want it and shows no enthusiasm I call that pity sex and I have no desire for it... It's hard to make love with a partner who is not enthusiastic about doing it.
I don't think she was initiating anything. I think it is exactly as jezza called it. She desired non-sexual contact.
I agree with this because for many many years, I wanted my back scratched (absolutley loved this & craved it ) and cared not a thing about it going any further . Husband always did it faithfully for me , even when it led to nothing else. Patience of Job again. If he was in a persistent mood & took it a little further going down in between the legs, it usually went somewhere, but half the time he waited for some gesture from me to show I wanted him back, a kiss, a turning over to allow him access to my front. Otherwise he "appeared" content to go to sleep that night & wait till the next time he was scratching & I did showed these things.
He acted in this way - probably because of how HURT he would have been even thinking I might be doing it "just for him".
I KNOW his sexual patience was due to envisioning those nights when I came on to him hot & ready. For him, he almost NEEDED to feel desired & wanted. He would still say this today. Nothing else would satisfy, or he would find the act somehow unfullfilling/hollow.
I don't blame Jezza at all, that would tick me off too!