Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Well, I have a different type of complaint I guess. I'm probably just being stupid, but I needed to vent.
My DH and I have been married for a little over 3 years and we have a beautiful two year old daughter. I'm 25, he's 24 and neither of us has any current health problems (I've had some in the past but he's always been healthy). Well, the problem is that I have been super horny girl and pounce on my DH all the time. We've had sex every other day at least because I can't stand to go longer than that. (Actually, three days in a row as of last night) Normally I wouldn't complain, and this is where some of you may say I"m just being stupid and that's fine. I need someone to tell me that if that's the case.
I feel like my husband never really WANTS to have sex. Like I literally have to seduce him every night I want to because he'd rather be playing video games with his friends online. I always tell him if doesn't really want to, then don't. I don't do mercy sex, I don't want to get it either. Sex is sex, why can't we enjoy it? He says he wants to, but he doesn't have any passion in him anymore. He used to rock my world. Even up until the past two months or so he would get really into it. This month it's just been blah. If I didn't go bananas on top, no one would be!
I get looks all the time from guys. The guys in his band always tell him how lucky he is to have me and my DH has even said that he knows if we were done they'd be all over me. So I know I haven't lost "it" if you know what I mean. I mean for example, the other night I busted out a super sexy outfit with 6" F*** me heels (his absolute favorite, used to be he couldn't keep his hands off me if I was wearing them) and when he saw me he lifted his eye brows and kissed me like he didn't notice!!! ARE YOU KIDDING?! GAH I just don't get it! I have never felt so humiliated in my life than I have this past month. I just want to quit.... Maybe I should just accept there's no fire left in him for me. I thought maybe I had enough for both, but it breaks my heart that he is so clearly disinterested. Maybe I should be happy that he still gives me sex even though I can tell he doesn't care either way (nor does he get me off like he used to, which contributes to my being that much hornier and as more evidence of how out of it he is while we do it). It could be worse I guess..
Here's what I would recommend as it seems like we are in somewhat similar situations...
STOP throwing yourself at him completely... stop approaching him for sex at all. No matter how hard up you are do not go to him... get a vibrator... find a girlfriend who's interested in playing around...etc. etc. do not approach him for sex.. make him come to you.
It sounds like he's got too much of a good thing and he's taking it for granted...
Not only that but sometimes it's true that "absense makes the heart grow fonder" - if you make him wait a couple weeks eventually he will approach you and then the dynamic has totally shifted.
I think I am going to stop coming to him like I do now. I don't know what else would work ya know? Maybe he is enjoying himself and the fact he doesn't have to put forth an effort. I just want to feel like I am worth the effort again. I don't want to be doomed with this the rest of my life! A vibrator is certainly going to come in handy. A girlfriend....he'd lose it lol. He's seen pics of me kissing my friends and rather than what I would expect - him to be turned on- he just got jealous and was convinced I was a lesbian lol. Far from it... So that would be a negative, but the vibrator- will do!
Thanks so much for your reply and encouragement. I hope you find a solution with your wife as well. Have you tried the same thing?
Wow, if my wife were into women I would let her go crazy with that... she's not though. But to me that's absolutely no threat... another girl can't do what a man can do.
I'm sure that's probably a lot of what it is... he has it easy so he doesn't have to put forth any effort. I have tried this personally and had marginal success because of the way my wife is wired... she also has some health issues and is very insecure about her body (even though she has no reason to be... it seems like most women are in some respect) I think in your case though "holding out" will work because unlike a woman with a low sex drive who can go for months / years on end without intimacy a man eventually has to "drain" ...so unless he has health issues or something else going on he will wonder why the hell you stopped being frisky and come to you for action.
Oh wow... You sound like mine, minus the kissing a girl thing. Would enjoy it as well.
About this issue you're having though. He probably doesn't "charge" as fast as you do and is having enough sex to satisfy him. Basically, he's about 50% ready to go when you are already at a 100%. Just back off a little bit and he suddenly will miss having you pounce him, having you initiate and having you be awesome!
Having him hunt might also make him more interested.
Draguna- I didn't think of the re-charging part of it! We used to go sometimes 6 times a night, so I hadn't considered it lol. But, it does make sense. Then we were in school and worked part time, now he works full time and we have a 2 year old. I am going to keep that in mind and have him come after me. It's what I want more than anything as it is, so it's a good way to see it.
ARF- If it's depression, it's bizarre. I've dealt with depression for ten years and I'm currently in grad school for counseling so I'm not completely ignorant to it's manifestations and symptoms. He doesn't display any of the symptoms that one would expect. I think his problem is he plays video games all night with his friends and then he's tired from it. I interpret that as- you're willing to stay up all night with a video game but not having sex with your wife. Hurts like hell.
- worried that he can't keep up (or it up) and is going to a) let you down and b) feel bad about it as well
- (I'm not saying this is the case) but since you have been there the day before, yesterday and today and will probably "be there" tomorrow, he might just want a couple of days off.
WOW - the 6" heels. wow. omg, omg. :-)~~~
He could also be wondering if he's just "doing you" (apologies for the harsh sound of that) rather doing something WITH you. And also you doing something FOR him.
I can only speak personally, but my wife and I do things for each other rather than for personal satisfaction. Not saying that this is the case, just tossing it into the mix.
Lots of good answers here and I just wan't to add that couples or even just one side of a couple go through "dry" periods and then things get better. Maybe try to hold off on sex for a while and see if he gets his mojo back.
Hot or not - after 3 straight days - he might be tired. Sometimes playing hard to get is what I need and I have a high drive too. But I like it even more when the wife plays hard to get!
Oh, one more thing. This is just me. I get turned on really quickly and am in the mood multiple times a day, but after a certain amount I'm just spent. When we have sex multiple times a day (longer ones) and do this for 2 or 3 days, I'm ready to not have any for the next (two) days. It can tire a man out, just like my girl doesn't need any for a few days after she gets uh.... completely satisfied (to put it neatly).
And about the charge thing, you can ask most men and they will have something alike. After you have come, it seems that you just start to slowly charge up with the need to do it. The closer to "full charge", the easier you get aroused.
I think that kinda explains why men need to do it, not just want.
Here's what I would recommend as it seems like we are in somewhat similar situations...
STOP throwing yourself at him completely... stop approaching him for sex at all. No matter how hard up you are do not go to him... get a vibrator... find a girlfriend who's interested in playing around...etc. etc. do not approach him for sex.. make him come to you.
It sounds like he's got too much of a good thing and he's taking it for granted...
Not only that but sometimes it's true that "absense makes the heart grow fonder" - if you make him wait a couple weeks eventually he will approach you and then the dynamic has totally shifted.
Great advice, what I'm doing right now in my sexless situation. He has yet to come to me, but its only been a week.
And I not only do the other girl thing, but the other guy thing too! Boy, what he's missing...
Though it does get confusing when he's not interested in me, but the internet porn still holds his interest, I've given up trying to figure this out - it just stresses me out.
Thank you so much for all of your input. I do think it's a variety of what everyone else has said. I've had these ideas in my head for a while, but until someone else says it, I don't feel like they're valid I guess. I'm definitely going to be playing hard to get, but I'm not changing who I am either. If he's not game well I can be game by myself lol. We used to have sex every day after having our daughter (and I was able to) because at the time I felt like it was almost a chore when all I could think about was the baby. It helped out a lot because it just became something we both looked forward to every day and no longer a chore at all. We knew we were going to have sex, and throughout the day we would text or email each other ideas for later. That was so amazing....
One thing I didn't mention before was that the past 7 months we've been trying for baby #2 and it hasn't happened. So we stopped TRYING and just went to see what would happen this month (and we've resulted in more sex as the stress of it was off me and I thought him). Actually, he apparently thought I was just trying to get pregnant still which wasn't the case. If I did great, but I've filed that away all ready and if it happens great, but if not it's ok. Not going to cry over it like I had the past few months when I wasn't. After talking to him about it he said he felt a lot better and that I boosted his ego by wanting him so bad That was two weeks ago, and he still responds the same way. So this is why I'm not really sure what's going on. If it was still the baby stuff, we both put that to rest.
Just going with the flow will help take the stress off. That happened with my wife and I when we were trying for Baby #2 as well! Stress off and BAM! Baby!
Just going with the flow will help take the stress off. That happened with my wife and I when we were trying for Baby #2 as well! Stress off and BAM! Baby!
Good luck!
I'm sure that the whole TTC thing for baby #2 has played a big factor. Even though he knew this whole month we weren't "trying" anymore, but "not trying not preventing" so I thought it would help. I mean my sex drive went through the roof!
I sure hope it was just a recharge thing....it's been almost a week and nothing since I've stopped going after him. Makes me sad
I mean really 
) Normally I wouldn't complain, and this is where some of you may say I"m just being stupid and that's fine. I need someone to tell me that if that's the case. 
That was two weeks ago, and he still responds the same way. So this is why I'm not really sure what's going on. If it was still the baby stuff, we both put that to rest. 
