Sex only to make me happy
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-29-2011, 08:49 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Sex only to make me happy

Howdy all,

This is a big step for me, so please be gentle. I don't know who to talk to, so I thought I would rely on total strangers for advice.

OK, I have been married for 10 years. Apart from the occasional dry spell here and there, the frequency of sex has been regular (once or twice a week), but not without issue.

The problem I am having is my wife freely admits to me that the ONLY reason she has sex is to basically make me happy (but it often feels like it's just to shut me up). She even admits that if she never has sex again, it really wouldn't be a problem. While I am sure that there are many who don't see this as a bad thing, I actually find this very very hurtful. I want sex to be something that we mutually enjoy and desire. There is no physical issues, we both reach climax most of the time, but when I ask if she enjoyed it, I usually get a half arsed response. Tonight we even had a semi argument about it and in the heat of the moment I said that I might as well go to a pro. Her response was "how would that be any better", to which I responded "there would be the same level of emotional attachment". This reply didn't seem to phase or bother her.

Am I being stupid and expecting too much? Why do I feel SOOO hurt?
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Old 01-29-2011, 09:28 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex only to make me happy

Sorry about this immensely frustrating problem.

I think the only way to address this is through a great deal of open communication....possibly with a therapist.

If this wasn't bothering you a great deal, you would not be here.

ADDRESS THIS or it can lead to MUCH bigger problems.
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Old 01-29-2011, 09:32 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex only to make me happy

Yes, I have had a bit of a read and can see that it is a recurring thread. It still doesn't help! I suppose I just needed to vent.

The thing that gets me is that pretty much everything else about our relationship is pretty damn good. We have and both love our children, we don't have financial troubles, we get on pretty well.

The other thing is I feel dirty and ashamed that I am making sex such a big issue. To her, it is a non issue, but if it heads the way I fear, it will become an issue that will only end in disaster.
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Old 01-29-2011, 10:13 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex only to make me happy

Quote:
being less available and not approaching your partner for sex.
I suspect this would only work if the wife WANTED sex, but was withholding it for her 'other' reasons.

I think this strategy would be effective IF it were just a temporary lull....and NOT a long term (YEARS LONG) issue.

This dynamic is all to common in long term relationships.

It takes a monumental effort to defeat it.

A woman must feel emotionally connected and desired to want sex.

Even if you flatter and are thoughtful, it may not be effective as this has become the norm.
The dynamic has to be new and exciting.
This can be brought about by romantic gestures.
It can ALSO be brought about if she views her spouse as an ALPHA man.
STRONG and DECISIVE are turn ons.

There are strong indications from you post that you are NOT being a STRONG alpha male.

For example....your screename RandomMale.
You are NOT a random male......YOU ARE THE MAN....and individual.....far from random.

You asked for us to 'please be gentle'.
I don't mean to insult you, but this is wimpy. It's your internal dialogue coming out on this thread.

Quote:
Am I being stupid and expecting too much? Why do I feel SOOO hurt?
No sir, you are not stupid and you need to stop referring to yourself in this way.

Quote:
I feel dirty and ashamed that I am making sex such a big issue.
This is NOT good. You should feel PROUD that you want a good sex life with your wife. A man SHOULD want sex.....ESPECIALLY FROM HIS WIFE. Furthermore.....YOU WANT SEX.....THERE SHOULD BE NO GUILT OR BAD FEELINGS.

I have the impression that you have self esteem issues that need to be addressed. Have you considered therapy? There are MANY good books on this subject as well.
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Old 01-29-2011, 10:24 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex only to make me happy

I'm having a hard time thinking that while she does have the O, she doesn't enjoy it. Could she be faking?
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Old 01-29-2011, 10:40 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex only to make me happy

Quote:
Originally Posted by Whatshisname View Post
I'm having a hard time thinking that while she does have the O, she doesn't enjoy it. Could she be faking?
My wife always had an O, and i don't think she was faking, she always seemed to enjoy the moment, but it didn't seem to make her desire it more often. I guess we looked at it differently. If we had great sex, she acted as though that should "last" a while. In other words, if we had great sex two days ago, why would I want it this soon again. I was the opposite, if we had great sex, it made me want it more often.
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Old 01-29-2011, 10:42 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex only to make me happy

i have given the "pull away" advice many times, because it helped me in my very similar situation with my wife. mine never openly admitted she could do without intimacy, but her actions told the story. so i quit trying so hard to meet her needs in an effort to have mine met. intimacy frequency has increased from 2-3 boring times a month to 6-8 very erotic times a month. i also took a more dominant approach during the act and she seems to really like it. slowly i realized that my approach to our sex life had not changed to adapt to changes in our lives. instead of being more dominant i had become too passive.
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Old 01-29-2011, 12:19 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex only to make me happy

It sounds like you don't tell her how HOT and SEXY she is very often. Do you hug and kiss her daily to show her how much you love her?

Try that before being less available.
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Old 01-30-2011, 03:16 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex only to make me happy

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluesky View Post
I suspect this would only work if the wife WANTED sex, but was withholding it for her 'other' reasons.

I think this strategy would be effective IF it were just a temporary lull....and NOT a long term (YEARS LONG) issue.

This dynamic is all to common in long term relationships.

It takes a monumental effort to defeat it.

A woman must feel emotionally connected and desired to want sex.

Even if you flatter and are thoughtful, it may not be effective as this has become the norm.
The dynamic has to be new and exciting.
This can be brought about by romantic gestures.
It can ALSO be brought about if she views her spouse as an ALPHA man.
STRONG and DECISIVE are turn ons.

There are strong indications from you post that you are NOT being a STRONG alpha male.

For example....your screename RandomMale.
You are NOT a random male......YOU ARE THE MAN....and individual.....far from random.

You asked for us to 'please be gentle'.
I don't mean to insult you, but this is wimpy. It's your internal dialogue coming out on this thread.



No sir, you are not stupid and you need to stop referring to yourself in this way.



This is NOT good. You should feel PROUD that you want a good sex life with your wife. A man SHOULD want sex.....ESPECIALLY FROM HIS WIFE. Furthermore.....YOU WANT SEX.....THERE SHOULD BE NO GUILT OR BAD FEELINGS.

I have the impression that you have self esteem issues that need to be addressed. Have you considered therapy? There are MANY good books on this subject as well.
Thats the thing. Yes, like many, I probably don't always display the confidence I would aspire to.

But on the same breath, I am an anti-ego. I am not an alpha male and I don't ever care to be. In the same breath, I don't consider myself to be a ***** either.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Whatshisname View Post
I'm having a hard time thinking that while she does have the O, she doesn't enjoy it. Could she be faking?
Unless my wife has been hiding herself from me very carefully for the last 15 year, I also don't think that she fakes either. She has told me in the past that she has nothing to hide. The other thing is that after 15 years, you learn the physical give aways, especially when indulging in certain activities.

She does enjoy the big 'O' in the heat of the moment, but often down plays it once its all done.

Quote:
Originally Posted by moonangel View Post
It sounds like you don't tell her how HOT and SEXY she is very often. Do you hug and kiss her daily to show her how much you love her?

Try that before being less available.
I try that often, but in the end her own self esteem issues get in the way. She never has really been into heavy make out sessions, so for her to shy away is not unusual.

Maybe its just stress, but this has been happening off and on for a few months.
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Old 01-30-2011, 04:22 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex only to make me happy

Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomMaleUser View Post
Am I being stupid and expecting too much?
not at all

Quote:
Why do I feel SOOO hurt?
because you were thinking one thing, closeness, intimacy etc, and she just threw all that in your face
Been there, done that
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Old 01-30-2011, 07:07 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex only to make me happy

Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomMaleUser View Post
Howdy all,

This is a big step for me, so please be gentle. I don't know who to talk to, so I thought I would rely on total strangers for advice.

OK, I have been married for 10 years. Apart from the occasional dry spell here and there, the frequency of sex has been regular (once or twice a week), but not without issue.

The problem I am having is my wife freely admits to me that the ONLY reason she has sex is to basically make me happy (but it often feels like it's just to shut me up). She even admits that if she never has sex again, it really wouldn't be a problem. While I am sure that there are many who don't see this as a bad thing, I actually find this very very hurtful. I want sex to be something that we mutually enjoy and desire. There is no physical issues, we both reach climax most of the time, but when I ask if she enjoyed it, I usually get a half arsed response. Tonight we even had a semi argument about it and in the heat of the moment I said that I might as well go to a pro. Her response was "how would that be any better", to which I responded "there would be the same level of emotional attachment". This reply didn't seem to phase or bother her.

Am I being stupid and expecting too much? Why do I feel SOOO hurt?
I don't think you are expecting too much. You are expecting what you feel is rightfully yours in marriage--a loving wife who wants to be with you. At least she gives sex to make you happy. I think that shows she is trying. Many of us, including myself, are with spouses who knows it would make us happy but does not even try often. So I think there is some hope for you.

I'm horrible at giving advice, so I would suggest both of you going to a professional therapist to talk things over.
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Old 01-30-2011, 12:40 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex only to make me happy

How old are the two of you?

Unless she has some kind of hormone issue she has a libido. Her telling you she doesn't want sex really means she doesn't want sex with you.

Is she cheating? Not saying she is. But she definitely wanted to wound you by saying that.

If I were you I would want to know why she would say what she did.

I don't agree with others who tell you that wanting to fix things is wimpy.

How you go about it could be. I think you need a candid discussion of both your needs and the help of a good marriage counselor.

I am sure she has built up resentments as do you.
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Old 01-31-2011, 12:29 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex only to make me happy

I don't mean to make light of a situation that is apparently causing you stress.

But, at this point in my marriage, I would take sex any way I can get it - if only he was interested in making me happy - I'd dance a jig!

Good luck to you.
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Old 01-31-2011, 02:51 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex only to make me happy

My ex-wife said and did the same thing. Divorce resulted.

She's now with a man who weighs about 350 pounds and I am sure if he doesn't have sexual problems/impotence is around the corner. . .and I am playing the field.

This situation will evolve, with your and her intervention or not.
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Old 02-01-2011, 02:51 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex only to make me happy

RandomMale,

I have the exact same problem and I am trying to work through it. I have been told the same "nice guy" sh1t. I have been trying to pull away and it has worked to the extent that she noticed the change.

However, I still see no real desire in her for me. In some ways you are probably better off than me because mine doesn't care to do it even to make me happy (for the most part).

What I am still questioning is even if I "man up" and pull away and she still doesn't desire me or only does it to keep me happy, then what? Do I really want to be there knowing she really has no desire for me???

Good luck man!
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