Husband with low sex drive..
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-29-2011, 02:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Husband with low sex drive..

My husband and I are newly married, we are both very young and should be enjoying a fruitful sex life. Sex used to be great, even though we didn't do it as often as I would have liked, it was usually 3-4 nights a week, but it was always great. He used to take time to make me feel good and I would do the same in return. It wasn't simply intercourse, there was foreplay, touching, and just a feeling of enjoyment. It slowly faded, he tried less and less to make me feel good and now we have sex only a few times a month and it always goes the same. He decides it'll fit into the schedule and suddenly he'll just take off his pants, I'll go down on him, till he decides it's enough and then right into the intercourse. He's commonly irritated by the fact that I'm not aroused enough, but he doesn't give me a chance or even tries to arouse me.. The sex lasts about 10 minutes, he climaxes then rolls over and goes to sleep. I'm left feeling very very empty and unwanted. It reached the point where, I no longer even crave sex, I'm constantly insecure and self conscious because he doesn't touch or kiss or do anything to make me feel even remotely desired. When I try to initiate, which I have no problem doing, the sex feels like he's just trying to do it so I can't say we don't. Like a chore he just wants to be done with.. I try my hardest to discuss it, to tell him how I feel and try to find a happy medium for us, but his response is always an excuse about the fact that he has Prostatitis.. I've done research on it, aside from painful ejaculation and pain in the groin area, there's really nothing about it lowering a man's libido. I mean I guess the mental aspect of it, but this is something he's had since he was around 13. It's mild, his main symptom is frequent urination. I believe he just uses it as an excuse.. I want to know why his sex drive is so low.. He doesn't watch porn, he doesn't check out other women, he is in shape, physically active, we eat well and have a great time together. We don't have any issues aside from an occasional disagreement, our biggest fights stem from our sexual issues.. I want SO badly to be kissed, touched, wanted.. I've tried everything with him, have costumes, lingerie, toys, porn, erotic literature, I initiate, I give him space to initiate, I try romantic nights. I took the pressure off and didn't mention sex, bug him for sex, or even appear to be remotely interested in sex, hoping it would allow him to want it and not feel so pressured by me, and we didn't have sex once during that month.. I'm at my wits end.. I want it, yet when I think about it, I feel so very very depressed. I cry at night when he's fallen asleep, I can't even masturbate, I feel unattractive.. I feel a lot of resentment building up in me, and I want so desperately to make it go away, but I don't know what to do. At 21 years old, a man should be aroused and ready to go.. I feel as if I have done something wrong.. He's been like this for at least 6 months before we got married.. We have no kids, very little stress, we're happy and we can talk about everything, except for this. I have no idea where to go from here..
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Old 01-29-2011, 03:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband with low sex drive..

I think this is a very sensitive topic for men to talk about. The very notion of you initiating a chat about is a reminder that he is not pleasing you adequately.

I would suggest a letter expressing all of your feelings.
Be diplomatic, focusing on his strengths.
At the same time, you need to emphasize how it is impacting you.
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Old 01-29-2011, 03:23 PM   #3 (permalink)
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This has been carrying on for a while now, we used to keep journals in which we would write how we feel and things going on in our life, the journals were for each other to read, to be open and honest even if something was hard to say or bring up in conversation. I have talked about it as many different ways as possible, first it started in the journal, then I'd playful suggest we try this or that in an effort to help him feel like I'm having fun and would like more. We've laid in bed and discussed fantasies, although he had very little to say, I still know what outfits he would like me to wear, which I tried with very little improvement to the sex. He knows what I want, how I feel, and I've only gotten harsh with him on a few occasions recently when it's become too much for me. He consistently tells me he understand what I mean, and that he's sorry and I am attractive to him. I have apologized to him, telling him I feel as if I've done something wrong and he told me I wasn't. He says it'll change, and makes up an excuse for each time. I don't feel like I'm asking for much, we can have sex once a month for all I care, I just want to feel like he wants it, to actually kiss me. We never kiss during sex, half the time we're not even fully naked, I can't remember the last time he touched me more than holding my hips for stability during our 10 minutes of sex.. He knows how much I love him physically, he enjoys that, and seems happy when I express it, but doesn't act on it.. I've slipped into a depression, he knows it, he knows how much this means to me, and how hard I'm trying.. I feel like I'm manifesting this, like this is all my fault and he's just being normal..
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Old 01-29-2011, 04:16 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband with low sex drive..

I don't have much advice for you, but you're not alone. I think the best advice I could give would be to get out now while you're young.

I could have written your post years ago, except my husband doesn't even have a medical reason as an excuse. He just does not like sex. It is a chore for him. And on average we have sex one a month, occasionally more, sometimes less than a month. Basically my husband saw sex as a means to have children.

At first when I was young and we started having very little sex I wanted to leave, but he talked me into staying, our sex lives picked up a bit and we decided to have kids. I, stupidly, thought he would change and be a better, more active lover, husband and father. But I was wrong. Not long after I conceived our first child he went back to his old ways.

To make a long story short, now after 15, going on 16 years and 2 kids latter he is still the same sexless man. The few times he tried to change was when I threatened to leave, but in the end he always went back to how he was before. Last year we tried marriage counseling and he pretty much said he will not even try to change anymore, and if I wanted to leave then fine. But he does not like sex and feels that it is not needed in a happy marriage and thinks I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.
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Old 01-29-2011, 04:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband with low sex drive..

I hate guys like this. I really do. My H was/is one of them. Why cant they just be honest!?! drives me insane. they leave you in utter and total confusion and act like they could care less. I just dont understand it. I went through this with my H. At first I did exactly what you are doing, trying to talk to him, trying new things, etc. Like you all that changed was how resentful and depressed i became. When we were doing a boundaries book together he told me he resented me because i tried to "make" him have sex with me. Can you believe that! i was so humiliated and angry. I threw away all my lingerie and the book. Anger and resentment really took over my life at that point.

My reality was that depression and anger was taking over my life. even when we did have sex it was horrible, i felt used, and even worse afterwards. i read an article once that said one should be more concerned for the person who continually begs for terrible sex then the one that is not interested in sex. that was kind of an eye opener for me.

I also read a book called Seat of the Soul. This book will help you with your resentment. You're going to have to back off from your H completely. No more sex. I know its miserable, trust me i've been there. I know you'll hate him and go out of your mind not only because of the physical deprivation but because of the complete withdrawal of love from your H. But if you keep trying to fix him you will get more and more depressed. Read Seat of the Soul and try and apply the principles of the book.

Hang in there! it does get better. my H and I are doing great now. Four years of battling this and everythign worked out.
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Old 01-29-2011, 07:42 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Sailorgirl: I am not gonna run off and give up on him, I understand where this could be going, and I've thought a lot about it, since I struggle with sleep and the easiest method to help me fall asleep was sex, I'm often up for hours at night, thinking about this situation. I love my husband with all of myself, and I try to be respectful of him and give him his space with this, and although I am very frustrated here, I'd rather be with someone I have an emotional and spiritual connection with than someone who I only connect with in bed. I also know that I could find both, but I honestly don't believe my husband doesn't like sex, when we were first together, he was very much into making love, where as I had never had a partner who I was intimate with like that, it was always just sex and lots of it. Regardless of that difference, I've found the joy of making love and we have always had the same taste in sexual experiences, we both love the same things, and it is great, except for the fact that his libido is gone.. I know he understands what I want, but he just can't give it to me, since his cravings for sex are gone.

Blanca, I'm very interested in that book, I have felt like I'm pushing him too much, like I maybe need to calm down and focus on other things, allow things to be as they are. Which I've tried, but I'm honestly crazy about him emotionally and physically. When I don't allow myself to touch him or try to be sexual with him, I feel hurt and suppressed which leads to a whole lot of built up anger, which then explodes when we have a tiny argument, and he's blind sided by it. I'm going to try to read the book, and try not to beg or pressure him.. But the less I try, the less I want it, and I don't want to end up being that couple that never has sex because neither of them enjoy it anymore.. I'm so depressed and lonely, I have no friends here since this is my husband's hometown, a long way away from anything even close to family for me.. I have no one to talk to, nothing to do. I feel as if I've given up so much to be with him, and he can't even have sex with me?! What kind of man doesn't want to have sex with their wife?
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Old 01-29-2011, 08:03 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband with low sex drive..

Didn't u mention something about pain ...since he was 13?
Please elaborate on this more.
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Old 01-29-2011, 08:08 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband with low sex drive..

Half of the patients with chronic prostatitis met the clinical criteria for major depression, according to a study published in "The Clinical Journal of Pain." Contributing factors to the depression are the frequent and painful urination and lower back pain

Read more: Psychological Effects Of Chronic Prostatitis | LIVESTRONG.COM
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Old 01-29-2011, 10:09 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Avalnda View Post
But the less I try, the less I want it, and I don't want to end up being that couple that never has sex because neither of them enjoy it anymore..
You need some perspective and a goal. There are stages to healing. You might have to go through a stage where there is no sex. I went through that stage. If you hit that stage full of resentment and no perspective then things will not go well for you. but if you hit that stage with some perspective on your journey in this life and what this stage means in the bigger picture, you can keep a positive outlook. When i hit this stage i did have a lot of resentment but i also had a lot of hope that this was a healing stage for me in my journey. i had hope that i could grab on to the positive aspects of what this meant to my healing and let go of my resentment. After four years i still have not let go of all my resentment, but i have let go of most of it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Avalnda View Post
I'm so depressed and lonely, I have no friends here since this is my husband's hometown, a long way away from anything even close to family for me.. I have no one to talk to, nothing to do. I feel as if I've given up so much to be with him, and he can't even have sex with me?! What kind of man doesn't want to have sex with their wife?
This is where my journey started over four years ago! i moved with my H for his job. i left behind my family, my friends, my job and entered a world of complete isolation and deception. It was the lowest point in my life! one of the hardest things ive ever gone through and i still feel pain thinking about it. i feel so sad for myself that i had to experience that. i sat in an empty apartment and literally went out of my mind! my H was emotionally and physically absent but i was still so in love i didnt recognize it. i needed him so badly and that is all i could see.

here's the thing. i started off in an empty apartment crying and complaining to my H all the time. i was so needy and lonely. i had no job, no money, no friends. Five years later im graduating from college and applying for a doctoral program in virology. im excited about my life, my goals, and my marriage. It took a ton of emotional work on both my H and my part to get here, but it can be done! but you must have a goal and a purpose for each stage until you finally break through.
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Old 02-03-2011, 07:07 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband with low sex drive..

"What kind of man doesn't want to have sex with their wife?"

I've been asking myself the same question. We've been married 6 months now and have had sex 3 times. THREE TIMES!!! And ONE of those was on our honeymoon. It is very frustrating, and has caused a lot of anger and resentment. It seems that we are fighting all the time now, and we don't even have sex between us to make us feel closer. He won't initiate anything and we've talked and talked about it, but nothing changes. Now, at this point, I don't think sex is even an option. It's now been 2+ months since we've had sex, and my hurt is to the point where I don't want him to touch me now anyway. That sounds terrible, but we have grown apart because of this. No explanation on his part. Just that he is scared to initiate. I've tried to talk him through it. I tried in the past to initiate, but still 6 months and only had sex 3 times. It does hurt to be a newlywed and feel like your H doesn't want you. Mine is constantly upset about something, and the last month he has only slept in our bed 2 or 3 times. He sleeps on the couch, and when I confront him about it, he usually says he accidentally fell asleep out there. Every night?? I don't believe so. It used to happen maybe once a month, but not it is every night.

The advice you are getting from everyone is very helpful. But, every situation is different. I look forward to hearing how/if you resolve your situation, as I am very frustrated with mine.
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Old 02-03-2011, 10:08 AM   #11 (permalink)
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"What kind of man doesn't want to have sex with their men?"

Frequently this is low testosterone. This is a fairly common medical problem and easily diagnosed with a blood test. 15% of men have low testosterone, even young men under 30. A man with low testosterone has almost no sex drive, no erections and no interest in sex.
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Old 02-03-2011, 10:41 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband with low sex drive..

sorry to hear this. I wish we could match all the low/no sex drive hubbys & match them with low/no sex drive wives (in my dream world). 21 yrs old , he should be all over you. He was 3-4 times a week, now this. It seems like you have put forth a great effort to help fix this situation, I'm glad you tried.
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