Men... I need your help! Why doesn't my man try to have sex with me?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 08-28-2008, 07:39 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Men... I need your help! Why doesn't my man try to have sex with me?

So my story is: We have been dating for over 4 years, he is 28 and I am 24. We get along great, we live together, do things together, can talk to each other about anything, but the sex has gone downhill. In the beginning it was wonderful and frequent, now it is once or twice a month and I have to beg for it and book a time days in advance... otherwise forget it! Once we get going, it is great... but it is like i am the man and he is the woman... I would do it every night! I am a good looking girl, haven't gained much weight since we have been together... and I do everything for him... there is a meal on the table every night and I keep the house clean. He always compliments me, tells me how beautiful i am and thanks me for everything I do...
He knows that this is an issue I have brought it up many times and have threatened to break up over it and I am at my whits end... but I love him to death... the only issue is the sex. He keeps saying that he needs to get checked out and doesn't know why he is like that... I think maybe he is depressed. He is carrying a lot of debt from his ex-fiance and has been working round-the clock to become a firefighter but it is a very competitive job market. I have been behind him through every endeavor and I just don't understand why the sex isn't there? He always wants me to dress up for him and I say, well if you start having sex with me more, I will dress up for you but I am not going to do it every time... sometimes I just want to go to bed and have it happen... not plan it all the time. Please help! Oh and no, he is not cheating on me... I know this for a fact. Please tell me what you think it is and if I am doing something wrong?
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Old 08-28-2008, 08:21 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men... I need your help! Why doesn't my man try to have sex with me?

Some men can't handle love and sex at the same time. So things start off steamy and end up passionless, as the love increases. There is a book I keep plugging called "Mating in captivity" - no I don't have shares in it, but it does explain this one quite well.

Debt will also kill sex, but I have to tell you, unless he works on it, frequency is only going to get worse. Marriage will probably be the final nail in the coffin.

The deprived party in a marriage that becomes sexless usually ends up feeling irrationally un-sexy, and often fails to pluck up courage to leave the person due to feeling that no one else will desire them.

I have been doing a lot of research on mismatched sex drives, and what has emerged so far is that when men are the lagging party, the situation is tricky. This is because be it nurture or nature, men are in general much better able to compartmentalise sex from everything else.

Controversially, I don't believe men have higher sex drives than women. I believe that women simply have a greater capacity to allow censorship or repression of the desire for sex within themselves. If anything, I would say women have the higher sex drive, and capability. especially when you take into account that most men have a refractory period after ejaculation, whereas women generally have no corresponding come-down, or if they do it is certainly not to the same extent.

If he can't shape up, I would get out now. Do not get pregnant what ever you do, otherwise you will probably be stuck with him. There are plenty of women, who would be quite happy with sex once a month. Let him find a match with such a woman. Then there will be no tension.

Actually with two low sex people, there might not be any sexual tension, but there will also probably be no passion or love or much of anything else. I say this because sex is the spark that drives humanity onward. But in our twisted society, it is often viewed as dirty, over-rated, and low down on the list of priorities for a long term happy marriage.

On the site below, I give a method to boost a man's sex drive. It turned me from 3 times a week to unlimited! At one point when we had the time, we were up to 3 times a day.

Semen Retention

One question I would ask him: Is he masturbating and ejaculating outside of sex?

Last edited by MarkTwain; 01-07-2009 at 07:30 AM.
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Old 08-28-2008, 10:49 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men... I need your help! Why doesn't my man try to have sex with me?

I think that the isue that you need to deal with is his stress/depression. I know firefighters, and I know that the market is limited and full of compatition. I think he might be looking at the end game without considering what is in front of him now.

That is to say that he thinks he can just make it up later. I would suggest you really talk to him about how you feel, and let him know that if the problem isn't fixed now then there might not be a later. That for you sex is a part of the bonding.

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Old 08-28-2008, 11:02 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men... I need your help! Why doesn't my man try to have sex with me?

Heat Rain
You sound like a female me. I, like is more the norm, had to deal with sex issues from my Wife. She's finally coming around but only after she saw that she was loosing me, sexually, not the love or marriage.

In your boyfriends case it could be stress, exhaustion/fatigue or a combination of the two. It can only help to have him go see a doctor about his issue, especially if he offered to.
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Old 08-28-2008, 12:47 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men... I need your help! Why doesn't my man try to have sex with me?

energy can only move in so many directions. Stress has a major effect on the ability to have, enjoy, or want sex. Esp. with a man since he needs an erection to form to have sex.

This is your first major "setback" in your r/t. If you want to pack it in then do so. But he sounds like a pretty good guy so you may consider working with him. After all no matter who you meet after this you will have other "problems" perhaps worse then this.
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Old 08-28-2008, 02:17 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men... I need your help! Why doesn't my man try to have sex with me?

Ah the old "trying to become a firefighter" thing... I have heard it many many many times (I do financial advising), and its always a big contributer to the problems a couple is having. Yes its VERY VERY tough, for bad hours and low pay. It takes a special person to do it, but its not going to feed a family.

Add debt to that... one of the most stressful things a person can deal with, and you have a KILLER mix.

I agree that you may have to leave now, or force him to deal with his issues. Otherwise, this will drag on and on and on. As one of many many men (look no further than this forum) who was denied sex for months at a time, I can tell you there is no shortage of men who would KILL to have a woman (a pretty one, no less) that will do it once a day!

My gf confronted her issues and things are much better now. Help him work on himself as well. Does he still see his friends? Does he have any hobbies? Working round the clock doing manual labor to earn money to pay off a debt that was run up by an ex just plain stinks. Show him that you won't do the same thing to him that his fiancee did.
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Old 05-07-2013, 03:13 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men... I need your help! Why doesn't my man try to have sex with me?

I am in a very similar situation right down to our ages being 24 and 28! If something works good for you let me know.

Mark Twain- the link you provided is broken i would be interested to see where a working one would lead as im in the same boat. I loved your response and if you have any more insights on your research please post more. Thanks

My post is "Suggestions for getting husband to initiate"
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Old 05-07-2013, 08:49 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men... I need your help! Why doesn't my man try to have sex with me?

My friend has a small dog. The dog loves to hunt mice and when it catches the mouse it plays w/ it until it dies. Once the mouse is dead and just lays there the dog has no intrest.
I bought the dog a ball and for the first few hrs it wouldn't leave the ball alone. For hrs the dog tried to get it's mouth around the ball but just couldn't, it was too funny. By the next day the dog had put a hole in the ball and it was fun. The dog wouldn't even look at the ball unless I put air in it and then it lost intrest once the air was gone.
If your not getting what I'm saying here I'll spell it out for you. Men are like dogs in many ways ( lol I am a man). We enjoy the chase, the fight, and the thrill of victory !! Lay there like a flat ball, and there isn't any thrill for us. Play hard to get, go out w/ some girls for a bible study, leave him a note, give him some time to think about where you are and doing. See if he doesn't change. Next time he wants sex, turn him down, make him turn you on before you give it up.
The differance between being a good lover and a great lover is the anticipation of what he's going to get or how he's going to get it.
A great actor once said, "always leave them begging for more" this holds true in some bedrooms, you always want him wanting a little more, this will get you repete business. lol have fun, have sex!!
PS There are no hard feelings between the dog and me because he killed the mouse. lol
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Old 05-07-2013, 09:07 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men... I need your help! Why doesn't my man try to have sex with me?

Get out now...... The excuses hold no water. You are only 24 and have a 28 yo claiming debt from an ex-fiance (no kids) and stress because he hasn't got his dream job. Wait until you have a house & ids and then you'll see stress and debt.....

Why the debt? Does he like his toys, bars and clothes? Does he have a back up plan? A gf who bends over backwards, is attractive, cooks and cleans and he can't get it up 2X/mth?????

You are too young to waste much more time.
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Old 05-07-2013, 09:26 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Men... I need your help! Why doesn't my man try to have sex with me?

Remember men are visually stimulated creatures.
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Old 05-07-2013, 12:36 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men... I need your help! Why doesn't my man try to have sex with me?

Give me a call.
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lack of sex, no sex, sex

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