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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-04-2011, 05:13 AM   #46 (permalink)
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Update - our counsellor gave my wife 'the article' and said she appeared to be very interested in it...that was three days ago. My wife hasnt mentioned it or anything. Her period started 2 days ago and I know the next week is a totally closed (to anything) week...which I respect.
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Old 02-10-2011, 03:05 AM   #47 (permalink)
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Just a quick update - Our counsellor gave my wife 'the article' last Tuesday (1st Feb)...I posted the above just after my counselling session.
My wife had a session two days ago and I have just come back from mine.
The counsellor asked my wife if she had read the article...'No, I put it in a draw so no one would see it and completely forgot about it'.

In the recent past my wife has said things like...'if you want me to come to bed earlier I want to eat earlier'....and...'why don't you take the dog for a walk in the evening'...and 'why cant we spoon and watch more television or a film together'....'...if you want me to feel more sexual'....

So, being a normal man, I have been doing all those things and walking home from work (2 miles) = excercise.

I haven't been doing these things just to get laid...excercise is good for you, marriage is a team so why shouldn't I take the dog for a walk or prepare dinner earlier or spoon with my wife whilst we watch a film...or give her a massage etc...thats what being married is all about.
Has my wife made any effort to be sexual? No. Have we had sex in the past 3 months? No.
Does my wife realise we have a sexless marriage? Yes (according to our counsellor)...
Is my wife making any apparent attempt to resolve things? No.

And now she 'forgot' to read DanF's article explaining all about mens sexuality.

If I have an affair or seek sexual relief elsewhere then I am the bad, nasty, unfaithful adulteror and may I rot in hell.

Poor woman being married to such an unreasonable ogre.
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Old 02-10-2011, 08:31 AM   #48 (permalink)
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I dont think there is a justification for cheating. If you cannot wait until your wife starts to try to make things better, then leave. Cheating is not the answer!
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Old 02-10-2011, 09:45 AM   #49 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Tomorrow evening then..."

Jezza,
She is showing all the classic signs of feeling a little too "warm". I really think your thermostat is set too high for her.

Are you willing to "lower" the temperature? Are you comfortable that you can do that while remaining friendly, upbeat, good company?


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Originally Posted by jezza View Post
Just a quick update - Our counsellor gave my wife 'the article' last Tuesday (1st Feb)...I posted the above just after my counselling session.
My wife had a session two days ago and I have just come back from mine.
The counsellor asked my wife if she had read the article...'No, I put it in a draw so no one would see it and completely forgot about it'.

In the recent past my wife has said things like...'if you want me to come to bed earlier I want to eat earlier'....and...'why don't you take the dog for a walk in the evening'...and 'why cant we spoon and watch more television or a film together'....'...if you want me to feel more sexual'....

So, being a normal man, I have been doing all those things and walking home from work (2 miles) = excercise.

I haven't been doing these things just to get laid...excercise is good for you, marriage is a team so why shouldn't I take the dog for a walk or prepare dinner earlier or spoon with my wife whilst we watch a film...or give her a massage etc...thats what being married is all about.
Has my wife made any effort to be sexual? No. Have we had sex in the past 3 months? No.
Does my wife realise we have a sexless marriage? Yes (according to our counsellor)...
Is my wife making any apparent attempt to resolve things? No.

And now she 'forgot' to read DanF's article explaining all about mens sexuality.

If I have an affair or seek sexual relief elsewhere then I am the bad, nasty, unfaithful adulteror and may I rot in hell.

Poor woman being married to such an unreasonable ogre.
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Old 02-10-2011, 10:18 AM   #50 (permalink)
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Jezza,
She is showing all the classic signs of feeling a little too "warm". I really think your thermostat is set too high for her.

Are you willing to "lower" the temperature? Are you comfortable that you can do that while remaining friendly, upbeat, good company?

You mean, compromise his own sexuality to fit her unrealistic expectations?

I'd make about twenty copies of that article and start leaving it here, there, and everywhere until she takes the hint. At some point she will either read it, or complain. If she complains, hit her with "I thought you were committed to saving this marriage?" and enter the Man Cave Of Silence until she's read it and is ready to discuss it.

You have to hold her accountable. Otherwise you're going to end up an unhappy doormat.
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Old 02-10-2011, 10:59 PM   #51 (permalink)
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Default Re: "Tomorrow evening then..."

Ian,
We might have a terminology disconnect. Do you know what what I mean by "lowering the temperature"?

I have a post on the "thermostat". Take a look.


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You mean, compromise his own sexuality to fit her unrealistic expectations?

I'd make about twenty copies of that article and start leaving it here, there, and everywhere until she takes the hint. At some point she will either read it, or complain. If she complains, hit her with "I thought you were committed to saving this marriage?" and enter the Man Cave Of Silence until she's read it and is ready to discuss it.

You have to hold her accountable. Otherwise you're going to end up an unhappy doormat.
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Old 02-11-2011, 08:35 AM   #52 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=jezza;250943]J

If I have an affair or seek sexual relief elsewhere then I am the bad, nasty, unfaithful adulteror and may I rot in hell.

/QUOTE]

Here is where you go off the tracks. You cannot decide for yourself that sexless is a "deal breaker" and you are willing to say to yourself that you don't want a divorce because your marriage is 95% great. This is weakness. This is the weakness that your wife is exploiting to her own benefit. This is the test she is giving you. What she sees from her end is a man that can be controlled by her. You are even asking her for input on what you can do to make her more sexual which means you are inviting her to think of more ways for her to dominate you and put you in a position of weakness. She is not going to change or read any articles becaus she has the ideal situation which is a man she can dominate and control who is content to live in a sexless marriage. This is why Adultery is not the answer. It is the weak way out. Stepping up, admitting to yourself it is a deal breaker is a show of strength. Masculine strength is what gets you out of your mess. Now, if you fear that she would say yes to a divorce over this, this means you know in your heart you are not meeting her needs in the marriage and need to address that prior to any divorce threats.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:23 AM   #53 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363 View Post
Ian,
We might have a terminology disconnect. Do you know what what I mean by "lowering the temperature"?

I have a post on the "thermostat". Take a look.
Gotcha.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:31 AM   #54 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=Hicks;251886]
Quote:
Originally Posted by jezza View Post
J

If I have an affair or seek sexual relief elsewhere then I am the bad, nasty, unfaithful adulteror and may I rot in hell.

/QUOTE]

Here is where you go off the tracks. You cannot decide for yourself that sexless is a "deal breaker" and you are willing to say to yourself that you don't want a divorce because your marriage is 95% great. This is weakness. This is the weakness that your wife is exploiting to her own benefit. This is the test she is giving you. What she sees from her end is a man that can be controlled by her. You are even asking her for input on what you can do to make her more sexual which means you are inviting her to think of more ways for her to dominate you and put you in a position of weakness. She is not going to change or read any articles becaus she has the ideal situation which is a man she can dominate and control who is content to live in a sexless marriage. This is why Adultery is not the answer. It is the weak way out. Stepping up, admitting to yourself it is a deal breaker is a show of strength. Masculine strength is what gets you out of your mess. Now, if you fear that she would say yes to a divorce over this, this means you know in your heart you are not meeting her needs in the marriage and need to address that prior to any divorce threats.
I can't argue with that logic. The real question is how that masculine strength will manifest itself in context of this situation.

Is it a verbal challenge? A demonstrative action that speaks louder than words? It will have to be a significant departure from the norm, else she will hardly notice and/or decide that if she keeps her head down things will return to normal soon enough. Perhaps something symbolic, within the context of your personal marital code. For some guys that might be sleeping on the couch.

A friend of mine wrote a story about a guy in your situation, who made a New Year's resolution that he would only shave his beard after receiving a BJ, and told this to everyone in town. The social pressure and the humiliation got to his wife, and despite all her humorous attempts to get him to shave, he didn't relent. In the end she capitulates, and he ends up clean-shaven for the rest of the story. Idealized fiction, I know, but there are a variety of ways to manifest masculine power.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:51 AM   #55 (permalink)
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Cold is - relentless. It permeates everywhere. You cannot hide from it and you cannot directly "fight" it.

And cold is really about "contrast". Someone used to a nice balmy 80 degrees fahrenheit like Jezza's W - has absolutely no ability to tolerate even a 40 degree environment.

There is a near universal reaction to cold. Humans try to get warm. This isn't a "female" reaction - it is a human reaction. Of course in a marriage with an easily dominated husband (sorry Jezza - look on the bright side - the truth can set you free) you feel cold you scream bloody fury at your H to turn the damn thermostat up. Thing is - social conventions are VERY consistent on this point. You have no obligation to convey "warmth/love" to a badly behaved partner.



[QUOTE=IanIronwood;251919]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hicks View Post

I can't argue with that logic. The real question is how that masculine strength will manifest itself in context of this situation.

Is it a verbal challenge? A demonstrative action that speaks louder than words? It will have to be a significant departure from the norm, else she will hardly notice and/or decide that if she keeps her head down things will return to normal soon enough. Perhaps something symbolic, within the context of your personal marital code. For some guys that might be sleeping on the couch.

A friend of mine wrote a story about a guy in your situation, who made a New Year's resolution that he would only shave his beard after receiving a BJ, and told this to everyone in town. The social pressure and the humiliation got to his wife, and despite all her humorous attempts to get him to shave, he didn't relent. In the end she capitulates, and he ends up clean-shaven for the rest of the story. Idealized fiction, I know, but there are a variety of ways to manifest masculine power.
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Old 02-11-2011, 10:48 AM   #56 (permalink)
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Agreed with you all. Cheating will show something, but it still shows that you are willing to stay with her, even if it means letting go of your integrity and going outside the marriage. Furthermore, she can play the victim card as well, no matter your reasoning.
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Old 02-21-2011, 07:02 AM   #57 (permalink)
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Update....but I hope you are sitting down!...
Last Tuesday our counsellor gave me a copy of the atricle to take home so that my wife saw it as being fair. I told my wife about it..."oh, maybe we could read it together" she said.... I went to bed at about 10pm last night and started reading it. My wife came in about 15 mins later and asked what I was reading....I told her what I was reading adding "you should read it. Its interesting".....
Her response?....."I've already read it and its a load of bollocks. Clearly written by a man who wants to get more sex". When I recovered I said; "Juli Slattery sounds like very feminine name to me"....
"Well she must have been a male at some point"

My wife wasnt joking. She thought the article was 'bollocks'.

Meanwhile, I was gobsmacked!
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Old 02-21-2011, 07:24 AM   #58 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jezza View Post
Update....but I hope you are sitting down!...
Last Tuesday our counsellor gave me a copy of the atricle to take home so that my wife saw it as being fair. I told my wife about it..."oh, maybe we could read it together" she said.... I went to bed at about 10pm last night and started reading it. My wife came in about 15 mins later and asked what I was reading....I told her what I was reading adding "you should read it. Its interesting".....
Her response?....."I've already read it and its a load of bollocks. Clearly written by a man who wants to get more sex". When I recovered I said; "Juli Slattery sounds like very feminine name to me"....
"Well she must have been a male at some point"

My wife wasnt joking. She thought the article was 'bollocks'.

Meanwhile, I was gobsmacked!
I'm a woman, and I'm frustrated for you, jezza! What's her hangup anyway? Does she feel like she doesn't get enough affection, and therefore doesn't want to have sex? I would try the thermostat idea. Another book I read recently was His Needs, Her Needs. Maybe read it and see if she'll read it as well. As a woman, I felt the chapters on woman's needs were spot on. I wasn't so sure about the men's. But the first need for men is sexual fulfillment, and it's filled with examples of needs not being met and cheating ensuing. My H personally said sex was not at the top of his list, and he wasn't sure he agreed with the other needs. But maybe ask your counselor about this book and see what he/she thinks. I wish you luck, dude. At this point, if she stopped being so controlling and gave you some, it would probably be a disappointment because it's been so long coming. Sorry, dude.
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Old 02-21-2011, 07:34 AM   #59 (permalink)
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jezza, your wife doesnt want to fix this, and is in complete denial. without her buying in at least a little bit, all the work you put into this will likely fail to achieve your desired result. i hate to be blunt, sorry
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Old 02-21-2011, 08:34 AM   #60 (permalink)
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Maybe I'm being a bit dim here...but could someone please explain what the 'thermostat' is?

If it means to just reduce the level etc of general touchy feely stuff then I've tried it. Doesnt seem to concern her. Though since we've been in counselling she's been wanting to spoon, RECEIVE massages, peck as we leave/return from work etc. I guess because thats all 'safe' stuff...stuff that won't lead to that dirty, dreadful and immoral thing called....sex (with your husband).

Or am I way off on the thermostat thing?...
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