w.s.winstonsarah

I had hopped that things by now would be better, but hey I guess I am just another statistic. My wife has yet to gain any drive since my last post in May 2010. She recently went back to school, she is in her 2nd semester of her MBA degree. Now she reads, studies, writes papers, case studies ...... 7 days a week. Now I support her 100% in doing what she wants to achieve in life, I am her life partner, we are soul-mates. However, I realize now that we are not sex mates there is a difference, lucky me! Now apparently while in her younger days in college the first time like us all we had our fun, but she leaves me to believe that she had plenty of sex mates, friends with benefits. Is she spent? This leaves me to fell inadequate, so I questioned my size, manhood, performance, all of it... Did i size up all the questions a man would ask himself. I have fantasies about her as I should she is my wife. I want the chance to fulfill these, is that too much to ask? Aren't we suppose to submit to each other?? Fulfill each others needs? When do I get my time? Why sleep naked if I cant touch?? It just amazes me how sex can start out with so much frequency, intensity, and then blah.. Why?

IanIronwood

Dude. Time to throw a hissy fit.

People underestimate the power of a good hissy fit in a relationship -- for one thing, it's seen almost exclusively as a feminine tool, but in actuality, when properly done, it's just as valuable for a man without being emasculating. There are those folks who think any kind of acrimony in a relationship is bad, but the fact is that conflicts like this are going to arise and sometimes it's better to take control of them than to let them take control of you.

So tell your wife, politely, that you want to set a time to discuss your relationship, and get a firm commitment without elaborating further. That should scare her enough to let her know you're serious because guys just hate relationship discussions. If you're instigating one, it's important. Try to do it off-premises at a restaurant or some other public place, because that, too, will alarm her. After all, people like to break up in public places. Further it gets you both on neutral territory and away from the bedroom, where such a discussion will largely be counterproductive.

Once you've got her attention, say, over dinner one night, tell her that you've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting and cultivating perspective, and that you have an issue: your sex life. You know she's busy, you support her career, you love her dearly . . . but your growing dissatisfaction with the direction of your sex life is causing you concern and anxiety.

It's important you don't come across like a beta wimp in this discussion -- you aren't asking her permission for more sex, please, you are telling her that you are unsatisfied, you want to improve the situation, and you are calling on her to devote more time and effort to it for the sake of an otherwise splendid relationship. Be serious. Don't back down. You aren't handing her an ultimatum, you're bringing an issue of serious concern to her attention.

And if she gives you resistance, look her dead in the eye, once she's quieted down, and tell her "This is important to me." Repeat if necessary. Don't let her shame you out of it, talk you out of it, guilt you out of it. Don't be afraid to appear unreasonable. "This is important to me".

I think you'll find her response telling.