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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-04-2011, 04:16 PM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies - Husband goes to a Massage Parlour...

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Either way Okey, I wouldn't put up with my H getting wacked off by some tart in a parlour
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yeah i understand that, but would you be suprised if he did IF you had completely cut him off from sex (assuming he was a husband who wanted it)
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Old 02-04-2011, 04:56 PM   #47 (permalink)
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You know. . .this reminds of a double standard.

Anyone ever see the movie "The Road to Wellville?" It was awful, LOL. . .you aren't missing much. It was a commentary on alternative and mainstream medicine.

Anyway, I think the main character, Bridget Fonda, ends up going to a doctor her "hysteria." Back in the 1800's, early 1900's, the treatment for female "hysteria" was for the medical doctor to massage the clitoris.

Now, mind you, the female orgasm, wasn't discovered until 1960, LOL. It was a very boring procedure for the medical doctor ( the doctor in this film is getting off on it tho. . .which was bad writing IMO ) but apparently the women found some relief for their "hysteria" from having the procedure done. Apparently, husbands funded this medical procedure because of the change in attitude and demeanor of their wives.

THe commentary was medicine at all historical times has quackery going on. We will look back one day and say, "What the heck? We were tying tubes for birth control?" or something therein.

I am sure a handjob must be boring. Heck, giving a massage to the shoulders ain't a riproaring evening at the movies.

I think it's cultural; I think in other countries it would be accepted for the male to go this done and not have it be about feelings and sex and all that. But in America, our culture would say no.

Well anyway, I'm going to look into adding this to my practice. What do you think my local board of examiners would say? "Relief from Female Hysteria here. In 15 minutes or less." "$50 special for month of February."

Judging from many on the forum, it's time to bring this procedure back

Last edited by Scannerguard; 02-04-2011 at 05:00 PM.
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Old 02-04-2011, 06:43 PM   #48 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies - Husband goes to a Massage Parlour...

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You know. . .this reminds of a double standard.

Anyone ever see the movie "The Road to Wellville?" It was awful, LOL. . .you aren't missing much. It was a commentary on alternative and mainstream medicine.

Anyway, I think the main character, Bridget Fonda, ends up going to a doctor her "hysteria." Back in the 1800's, early 1900's, the treatment for female "hysteria" was for the medical doctor to massage the clitoris.

Now, mind you, the female orgasm, wasn't discovered until 1960, LOL. It was a very boring procedure for the medical doctor ( the doctor in this film is getting off on it tho. . .which was bad writing IMO ) but apparently the women found some relief for their "hysteria" from having the procedure done. Apparently, husbands funded this medical procedure because of the change in attitude and demeanor of their wives.

THe commentary was medicine at all historical times has quackery going on. We will look back one day and say, "What the heck? We were tying tubes for birth control?" or something therein.

I am sure a handjob must be boring. Heck, giving a massage to the shoulders ain't a riproaring evening at the movies.

I think it's cultural; I think in other countries it would be accepted for the male to go this done and not have it be about feelings and sex and all that. But in America, our culture would say no.

Well anyway, I'm going to look into adding this to my practice. What do you think my local board of examiners would say? "Relief from Female Hysteria here. In 15 minutes or less." "$50 special for month of February."

Judging from many on the forum, it's time to bring this procedure back
Okay, I just shot Diet Coke out my nose.
You talking about J.R. Kellogg and his practices surrounding "hysteria".
If you remember that movie, those women went to that doctor nearly everyday due to "hysteria" and their husbands were none the wiser.
Now then, if their husbands were making them feel that way, they wouldn't need the good doctor.
As for your February special, I doubt Jersey would allow for you to get a SOB license just for one month. Besides, it's still prostitution regardless and illegal.
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Old 02-04-2011, 06:46 PM   #49 (permalink)
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Okay, I retract my other post. I assumed you were a woman until I went back and read previous posts. I'm going to be brutally honest... The point of your post seems to be that you're looking for justification from other posters because you aren't getting what you want at home. I agree, your wife should make herself available. But you don't have a right to go to a massage parlor. It's cheating. Doesn't matter if you're emotionally involved or not. It doesn't matter if you're having penetration or not. It's not your wife and she's getting you off. I addressed my other post to her because I thought it was a woman asking. I try to steer clear of double standards as you can see by my previous post. I wouldn't suggest either of you have justifiable behavior.

You pretty much posted saying you didn't want criticism. So, my understanding is you only wanted to hear from people who will make you feel okay about it.

That said, I don't want to seem indifferent to your plight. I imagine it must be very difficult. But there's a much better solution than your current choice-- which isn't an acceptable choice. You should seek counseling.
Well said. In essence, he said his mind was made up. So why ask for advice from others then? Notice he didn't ask for advice on how to get his wife's interest back? Hmmm. Odd.
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Old 02-05-2011, 03:59 AM   #50 (permalink)
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I never expected to get so many replies! I am also alittle bit surprised at the overall reaction.
Firstly, maybe I shouldn't have used the term 'massage parlour' because it conjures up images of a brothel.
Throughout the world, including the US, there are beauty salons in respectable malls that offer pedicures, manicures, facials etc and massages.
I am sure that there are males out there who have gone for a perfectly 'normal' massage...its been done by an attractive masseuse...because he is a perfectly normal male he has got an erection and the masseuse has seen it and offered to do something about it.
It happened to me, once when I was in my mid 20's (am 45 now).

Alot of 'posters' are blaming the reason for a sexless marriage at my and 'the husbands' feet. We have 'lost the key', we are the reason our wives have gone off sex... Whilst that might well be true in 50% of cases it certainly isn't in the other 50% (I'm being fair).
There are many men out there who are married to women who are simply not interested in sex (just as there are men who aren't interested in sex - read the threads)...they just do not regard sex as important in a marriage and often resent their 'normal' husbands asking for it or trying to initiate it. These wives fail to understand that sex is an integral part of a marriage...it bonds you.
One of the posters said that her libido is alot lower that her husbands but that she accepts and respects his needs therefore makes an effort and more often than not actually really enjoys it.
It seems to me that women have to make more of an effort to be interested in sex and to get into it...once they make the effort they really enjoy it. Its that initial effort that is the 'problem'.
I fully accept though that not all women are the same, and that there are also men who arent really interested in sex....though biologically we are wired to ensure our genes continue.

I am in a sexless marriage. Both my wife and I are going through counselling. My wife has never had a high libido. Before our first child was born 11 years ago we had sex maybe twice a week - I would have liked it more (of course!) but twice a week was good. After our first was born there was no sex (as happens between probably 90% of couples with a new baby) in the first 6months...then it was probably twice a month for the next 2 years until we decided to try for another child then it was almost once a day!
Child no 2 arrived...no sex (which I fully appreciate...new babies = lots of work! More so for the mother than the father - we dont produce milk..yet!!). There was the usual abstinence during the first 6 months after the birth which became 12, 14 months etc.
I was trying to do as much as I could to take the pressure off my wife...to help more, to do the 3am feeds etc etc whilst also being the sole bread winner in the house and having to work shifts over a 24 hour period. My job was stressful and often dangerous...when I get home after a shift I also needed down time.
I tried talking to my wife about our sex life – she accepted and realised we had a problem but refused to talk about it further. She buried her head in the sand. The outward impression was that everything was fine...husband in a respected job, 2.2 children, dog, two cars etc...you get the drift.
Fast forward 10 years....wife still not interested in sex, and isn’t interested in trying to be interested in sex. Hence the counselling... which I am so hoping will help her to understand that sex is a thing to be enjoyed with someone you love and want to bond with, and that it will help me do 'my' bit... I can light the fire but the fire has to want to burn... In the meantime I still have a sex drive and am producing sperm etc.
Like an earlier 'poster', I have never had a wet dream either!
I had a couple of recent prostate ‘scares’...the consultant explained the importance of eating fruit, exercise, regular ejaculations etc to both of us. He also explained that males generally lose the natural ability to release the pressure (wet dreams) in their early 20's.
It was a bit of an eye opener for her...she accepted she had a problem and made an appointment to go and see a ‘lady’ doctor....she went, had hormone etc tests done = normal. The doc called her back to discuss ways of maybe increasing her libido etc...my wife cancelled the appointment and never went back. For some reason she has a block with sex...she knows it but doesn’t want to do anything about it.
It isn’t a diabetics fault their pancreas doesn’t produce insulin...so they have to (not all of them) inject insulin.
There are women who just aren’t interested in sex...its not their ‘fault’ its just the way they are or have become (like a diabetic). There are ‘medicines’ that will help increase their libido...or they make the effort to let their husbands ‘turn them on’ and the result is that they will start to feel horny. But, they have to get past first base and that takes effort...
I love my wife and she loves me, we both love our children. Everything outside the bedroom is fine. If I walk away from the marriage because my wife isn’t interested in sex, I will ruin a family....we would get joint custody of the children...the effect on our children at this age would be devastating. If they were 18 then it would be different. I am not prepared to do that at this stage.
I know this post is long winded...Although none of you ‘know’ me, I certainly don’t want to be labelled as a philanderer! I am simply a ‘normal’ guy with normal needs married to a lovely lady who simply has big hang ups about sex and is maybe frightened to actually confront her problem and deal with it because having a loving, fulfilling and bonding sex life with me falls out of her comfort zone...

However, I am still me with my ‘needs’....

Last edited by jezza; 02-05-2011 at 04:10 AM.
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Old 02-05-2011, 04:12 AM   #51 (permalink)
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Gosh! Sorry! The above really is a bit long! Hope you didnt fall asleep reading it! Still, I wanted to write it.
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Old 02-05-2011, 05:56 AM   #52 (permalink)
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Brennan,

Well, there was actually no reason for the men to be wiser that a doctor was doing this - that was point.

It was like touching, I don't know, a pair of tonsils or something to them (well, I suppose the vagina still had an allure) but the female didn't even THINK she was going to have a Big O. The doctor wasnt thinking it. The doctor was thinking about how to not get an arm cramp. He just reached down her britches and massaged. When the overwhelming shuddering pleasure was coming, well. . .women didn't ever cum. . .remember?. . .only men did that. . .can you imagine really not knowing what was happening to you?

So, the doctor was sitting there, hum, ho, hum, dee, dum, massaging away with some lubricant, thinking, "Gee, my 3:00 is going to be pissed I am running late." while the lady is laying there trying to get off, not knowing what getting off was!!!!

But needing curing of her hysteria because she was a regular b-i-t-c-h around the house.

But yes, had their husbands knew about this and the sexual framework in which an female orgasm occurs. . .they surely would have protested.

I am also reminded of an Ally McBeal episode where she has the Big O at a chiropractor's office with a vibrating table and she's fighting with her boyfriend telling him, "I'll see what mechanical equipment I want to see, darn it!!!" when he gets jealous and forbids her to go back to that chiropractor.

Ridiculous but along the same lines of this thread.

We are just now starting to come around as a culture stating sex is necessary, esp. for male health. In Far East civilzations, this was a given among the healing community. Dr. Oz lists "Monogamous Sex - 2-3x/week" for anti-aging.

I remember my profession being up in arms about the way they portrayed the ridiculous chiropractor in that episode. (he put her face down on the vibrating table and then ground his chin into her shoulder, lol). The ACA wrote all kinds of letters - lol. . .too uptight.
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Old 02-05-2011, 05:59 AM   #53 (permalink)
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Gee. . .that's my 3:00. . .I'll be back in 15 minutes. . .Mrs. Bush is always on time.

God bless her soul.
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Old 02-05-2011, 07:30 AM   #54 (permalink)
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Jezza,
I have been in your shoes. My back story is no different than yours including all the kids and wife declaring she was no longer sexual. For years I felt she needs tor realize how important this is to me and her marriage. I contenplated cheating, divorce etc on a daily basis. But, in trying to fix it I realized I was making no effort to bring out her sexual feelings to me. I had the personal attitude that I have a good job and we have nice home and I have done the "man's" part of the equation and now she need's to do the woman's part. I have learned that this alone does not draw out any sexuality. Counseling her into a sense of obligation on the part of the wife does not draw out any sexuality. it takes daily, conscious action on your part to draw out her sexuality. And if she is not sexual it means you are not taking the proper actions to draw our her sexuality. This applies to 100% of women who claim the are not sexual.
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Old 02-05-2011, 08:02 AM   #55 (permalink)
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Jezza,
I have been in your shoes. My back story is no different than yours including all the kids and wife declaring she was no longer sexual. For years I felt she needs tor realize how important this is to me and her marriage. I contenplated cheating, divorce etc on a daily basis. But, in trying to fix it I realized I was making no effort to bring out her sexual feelings to me. I had the personal attitude that I have a good job and we have nice home and I have done the "man's" part of the equation and now she need's to do the woman's part. I have learned that this alone does not draw out any sexuality. Counseling her into a sense of obligation on the part of the wife does not draw out any sexuality. it takes daily, conscious action on your part to draw out her sexuality. And if she is not sexual it means you are not taking the proper actions to draw our her sexuality. This applies to 100% of women who claim the are not sexual.
thats nice, and makes some sense. but we arent talking about an organism that cannot think, reason and deduce, a woman has a brain, in most cases .

what is the LD wifes contribution to this? sittin idle while you do all the work and then finally giving in to all of your hard work and rewarding you with some? she knows she isnt trying to provide for your needs, she is making a caculated decision not to.
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Old 02-05-2011, 08:04 AM   #56 (permalink)
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Brennan,

Well, there was actually no reason for the men to be wiser that a doctor was doing this - that was point.
and her response was "that if their husbands were making feel like that at home, there would be no reason for them to see the doctor"

irony indeed
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Old 02-05-2011, 09:20 AM   #57 (permalink)
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thats nice, and makes some sense. but we arent talking about an organism that cannot think, reason and deduce, a woman has a brain, in most cases .

what is the LD wifes contribution to this? sittin idle while you do all the work and then finally giving in to all of your hard work and rewarding you with some? she knows she isnt trying to provide for your needs, she is making a caculated decision not to.
If his wife is not sexual it means with 100% certainty that he is not meeting her needs. She does not feel loved. She does not feel excited and stimulated to be near him. A woman must feel loved to be sexual. Once she feels loved, she will be open to the effort that she has to make on her side.

I would not argue with your approach.... Basically force the wife to get over herself. Use Logic. Use threats. But, if 10 years of that approach does not work, it's time to start on a new approach.
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Old 02-05-2011, 01:01 PM   #58 (permalink)
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Jezza...

Your excuse of being concerned about prostate issues keeps coming up, and personally, I think it's bogus. If that's your big concern, a date with Rosie Palm once a week will take care of that for you, and no guilt. Think of it as taking your weekly vitamin.

As someone who was in a similar situation (not quite as sexless as yours) and who ended up looking outside the relationship... It's a very slippery slope. At least, it was for me. I started by thinking... What if I just fill this one little need in my relationship. Everything else is good, I just need the intimacy.

But physical intimacy wasn't enough, to be perfectly honest. Physical intimacy without some sort of emotional connection just isn't the same. It just seemed inevitable to be looking for more and more of a connection. And getting a handjob from someone I hardly know can only be marginally better (I'm guessing) than a good website, a bottle of lube, and my imagination.

My suggestion... If things are to the point that you're seriously considering looking outside the marriage, be upfront with your spouse and get it out there. Let her know that this is how bad things are. Either she works with you on making improvements in that aspect of your relationship or you need either a) an open marriage (not that I think this is a real solution for most people) or b) a separation/divorce. Again, just speaking of my experience... The resentments and frustrations, the emotions that develop from any sort of satisfying connection will eventually cause things go end up that way anyway. So you might as well go out with your morals and integrity intact.

Even if a weekly handjob from some masseuse was acceptable to both of you now, can you honestly say that this is going to be acceptable for the next 10 or 20 years? Really? I think not. I think it would be the beginning of the end of your relationship, and you're lying to yourself if you think otherwise. Again, speaking mainly from my thoughts and situation...

Just my $0.02... I know you were asking for input from the ladies, but what the heck...

C
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Old 02-05-2011, 01:45 PM   #59 (permalink)
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and her response was "that if their husbands were making feel like that at home, there would be no reason for them to see the doctor"

irony indeed
Actually, that is what happened in the movie. I never said I agreed with it. Cheating is terrible in my opinion.
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Old 01-10-2012, 09:38 AM   #60 (permalink)
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Let me paint a picture for you ....

5 a.m. : Wife gets woken up with a crying baby who needs a diaper change, bottle and is ready to start the day.

Breakfast, find missing shoes, get lunches made for school, dress both children, clean up vomit off baby, re-dress children, clean up spilt milk, search around for missing keys, drive child to school, stop in at grocery store for more milk, search for something to soothe crying baby, try to put reluctant baby down for nap, rock baby until he falls asleep, clean up breakfast dishes, make beds, put laundry in, listen to mother-in-law's voice message asking why she still hasn't received kids Christmas photos in the mail, log into computer to send photos to print for mother-in-law, get baby up from nap, change diaper, feed lunch, clean up after lunch, re-dress baby after messy lunch, put snowsuit on baby, put crying baby in car, drive to photo shop to pick up pictures for mother-in-law, stop at toy store to buy presents for son's schoolmate who is having bday party on weekend, come home, take screaming baby out of car, give baby snack, vacuum, put laundry in dryer, back in car, pick up other child from school, get home, everyone out of the car, son is hungry, feed son snack, start cooking dinner, break up fight over teddy bear, feed kids, clean up dishes, do homework with son, get kids ready for bed, bath, books, bottle, diaper change ...

Quiet.

Look in mirror -- realizes she hasn't brushed her teeth today or put on any makeup. Did she even eat anything today????

Wait for it ....

Husband is home -- time to switch her mind from all of the above and get ready to go down on her knees and give him a blow job.

Because, you know, HE has needs .....
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