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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-16-2013, 09:54 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

I've been married for 13+ years now. I'm 39 and my wifee is 35. No kids and probably won't have any. Only a cat. We both work full time jobs / careers, so money isn't an issue.

Day one we got married, the sex issues started. She is a larger woman and has a LD. Her parents are nice, but very shy, quiet and conservative. My wife could easily go 2 weeks of no sex and sometimes no sex for the entire month and this was going on the first year we got married!!!

I've been weight training and I'm in great shape.

It's now 13+ years later, she has gained a lot of weight and is very fat. Her sex drive hasn't changed too much, maybe a slight increase and even after our talk, her sex drive is going back to 1x every 1 - 2 weeks again.


I would say, take care of yourselves, so you're both in the same shape. Both of you dress attractively, somewhat sexy and do things together more.

There will always be another, hotter woman out there. I'm in the same situation. All my wife's female co-workers dress sexy and are in way better shape than she is and they flirt with me, talk a little dirty and they like it when I hug them. But that's as far as it would go. I agree, over time, there will always be a sexier, younger woman. That will never end. I say, get your wife to dress sexy when she's at home, do lots together, watch adult movies together, buy toys, use sensual oils, candles, wait for her in the shower, or give her oral when she is asleep, have flowers on the kitchen table before she gets up.........all will help. But if she has a LD, and you have a HD, there isn't much you can do.
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Old 02-16-2013, 11:52 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

Why the heck are the men projecting their experience onto the OP? He said that he is not attracted to his wife...not because she is LD but because he is not attracted to her because he is MORE attracted to other women. In other words, it is nothing that she is doing that is making him less attracted to her.

...Waiting for someone to tell the OP to either:

1. Go to marriage counseling, she deserves someone better who is attracted to her.

2. "fake it until you make it"

3. Why do you expect a monogamous marriage, but you don't want to give her the intimacy she needs.
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Old 02-17-2013, 12:14 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

I believe you can control attraction. Make love to your wife. Experience it deeply. Feel her spirit. Feel her body. Think about the love you share and your life together. She is your woman. If you have outside thoughts in intimacy slow down and refocus. This woman loves and cares for you and you for her. Your love is you're attraction.
To me it sounds like you are doing well in trying. And if you don't want to have sex as much as you think you should that's okay.
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Old 02-17-2013, 12:21 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

Here is link that might be helpful to you

TEDTalks - YouTube


Also, get the book "His Needs, Her Needs", you both should read it and do the things it suggests. You can build passion in your relationship.

Have you ever left a strong sexual passion for your wife?
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Old 03-09-2013, 10:27 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

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Well since you are attracted to other females I would say this not a medical issue. It bothers me that you refer to this co-worker and how much you were attracted to her. I am not sure you are not subconciously really looking for a little excitement (curious looking and fantasizing) ..even though you say you aren't. If you really want to rebuild your relationship with your wife, you need to spend the time, focus and effort on building intimacy with her. Once a month is pretty low on the sexually connection/bonding time.

Your right telling your wife you not attracted to her is not the best approach. I am going to get some flack for saying that I am sure. How about saying something like.."I love you dearly and I think our relationship is very important. I feel that we have let the spark die out in our relationship and I would like to work on building that passion we used to have". I don't know, there are ways of telling her without being so brutally honest as to say "you don't attract me anymore".
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Hi mineforever,
Thank you!! I don't think there would be anything wrong with him approaching the situation the way you are suggesting it, it puts the message across without hurting anyone...I wish my husband had approached me this way, instead of just walking out on our relationship and saying that was the end of the road for him and that he did not have any feelings anymore along with a host of other reasons and he was not even willing to try counseling or anything...I am not overweight or unattractive normally but I have a skin issue which worsened for a few months before he ended it...I found out later that he was texting a co-worker and had infact told her that he was planning to leave me before ending it with me over an email while I was visiting my family in another country (I still shudder thinking about it )..I anyway worked on it within a month and went back with much better skin and a new hairdo and decided to work on rebuilding our friendship was well...but I think it was too late..he was already looking forward to beginning things with the new girl...and maybe had already started dating her, though it did not stop him from trying to have sex with me, sometimes 3 times a day, I guess having sex with his soon to be ex wife was thrilling to him in someway..It did not work out with that girl eventually since his appeal reduced drastically the minute he was free...but he started enjoying the taste of single bachelorhood too much that month we were apart and enrolled on a dating site...Now a year later the divorce is still happening and I am not sure whether to blame myself for starting to work on our marriage too late or to hate him for being an inconsiderate prick...

As for you wherehasitgone and kramer2000 its awesome that you want to save the marriage and that you respect her feelings as well...Marriage is indeed sacred and its normal to have those feelings of dissatisfaction at some point in the marriage...your spouses might never admit it, but there are certain points in the marriage when they have felt the same way as well. I have certainly felt attracted to other men at my workplace and have fantasized about them when with my husband from time to time, but that was as far as I was willing to let it go. I knew that they were just temporary feelings when things were rough in the marriage and that they would pass..and that if I ever acted on those transient feelings I would regret it...So do try approaching your situations the way mineforever has suggested it, you will be happier and feel more fulfilled when you both get over this rough patch with your spouse...there is a reason you fell in love with each other in the first place and even a bigger reason you decided to marry each other.. all you have to do is remember it and find the good in each other all over again...all the best to both of you..
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Old 03-18-2013, 10:36 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

I see selfishness in this. I really do. I'm not trying to be rude, but it is very selfish, these feelings. Women already struggle so much to be accepted for themselves because society always tries to make women feel like they aren't quite good enough, should be a size 0, etc. What a woman really needs is a man that TRULY loves her. Loves her with everything that is in him. If a man truly, truly loves a woman, they may get older, body parts may go south, other women may be tempting, but in the eyes of his beloved, he will always see her as young and beautiful, and it is her who he chooses to love everyday. A real man makes his woman feel so good and is so busy putting his own woman on a pedestal that he has no need and no time to worry about other women.

What if your wife were thinking like you? in my opinion, you're being very selfish. Maybe you were too immature to be married in the first place.
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Old 03-18-2013, 10:40 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

And I'm sorry, ladies. Becoming overweight, developing a skin issue, etc. All superficial reasons for a man to fall out of love with you. It just shows his immaturity to act in such a manner, and shows his reasons for marriage were very shallow. The one who really loves you, loves you even at your alleged worst. They don't walk out on you for the supposed 'next best thing'.
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Old 03-18-2013, 10:46 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Hello. My problem is I'm married, but have almost no sexual feelings for my wife anymore. We have been married for 5 years now. We have no kids. I'm 36, she's 41. We're both slightly out of shape but I don't think that is the issue, since I started losing my sex drive towards her almost from the first months. I see women I feel attracted to in many places. I love my wife. I don't want to hurt her and I'm not thinking about cheating on her, is just that I fantasize with being single so I can pursue those sexy women I've met at work or seen in the street or anywhere else. When we engage in sex, I don't have problem getting an erection and orgasming, I actually enjoy it, my problem is that I have to make a conscious effort to propose doing it and engage in sex with her, since I almost never do it out of desire anymore. She does want sex, often, but we do it like once a month. There was this co-worker I was very attracted to (a couple of years younger than me) and I had very strong sexual feelings towards her. I believe she felt more or less the same way. Anyway, I never tried anything, never initiated anything and although I desired sexual contact with her very much, I wouldn't have done it even if she suggested it, since it wouldn't be fair to my wife and I also know that that might be just an illusion, and that even if I got in a relationship with that woman and left my wife and everything, it might just happen then same thing with that woman over the course of time. What I'd REALLY like is to feel that way towards my wife again! I tried thinking more sexually and trying to be conscious to do it more often, but I just don't feel that desire. What can I do?

You COULD be attracted to your wife, if you truly wanted to be, and as you know you SHOULD be. You could. Think about it. Stop looking at superficial crap, whatever that may be, and see your wife's heart. Feel her. Not 'feel her up'. Feel her spirit. Feel her heart. Feel her soul. Learn to love what makes her, HER. See the beauty in her. See the good in her. See her as your own. The only way you cannot love your wife is if you do not love yourself. She is part of you. Don't you love yourself? Your wife is to be your other half, your best half, your best friend, your partner. Stop looking at all those strumpets outside your marriage, and learn to see your wife as a blessing from God to you. "He that findeth a wife, findeth a good thing'. See your wife as God's best for you. It is unfair to your wife what you are doing. You may not have slept with those other women, but even if you've imagined it in your heart, you've done it.
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Old 03-19-2013, 02:36 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

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And I'm sorry, ladies. Becoming overweight, developing a skin issue, etc. All superficial reasons for a man to fall out of love with you. It just shows his immaturity to act in such a manner, and shows his reasons for marriage were very shallow. The one who really loves you, loves you even at your alleged worst. They don't walk out on you for the supposed 'next best thing'.
Thank you!!!!! ...Wish more people thought this way. Unfortunately we are becoming more visual and more focused on our personal happiness, however fleeting, to sustain a successful relationship...I really wonder how our spouses would feel if we started detesting them if they started losing their hair or developing a pouch and subsequently leave them for someone younger ..do they not think about all this before taking such a damaging step in a relationship??
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Old 09-02-2013, 12:43 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

I joined this forum just to respond to the complete and utter double standard flashing vulgarly at everyone that comes across this thread.

I absolutely LOVE how the guy is superficial and shallow for having this problem, but if it was the reverse, it would HAVE to be about how the man wasn't giving his wife what she emotionally needed or keeping himself attractive to her. This is only offensive to women because it alludes to the reality that maybe they aren't god's gift to men after all and that their princess mentality should have parented out of them before they turned 17. God forbid, YOU have to put effort into the relationship and not just get to be worshipped until you die. Remember, you came across many of these types of guys but you dropped them way before you met your husband because they were too clingy or too "nice". Now that you haven't "settled", you're finding out the cold hard reality that you're just simply not that special. And guess what, it's SO good for you. You're just too damaged by your false sense of value to understand it.

I had to post a reply to this thread because those of you who believe "unlovedunfulfilled" or "natasha" will fail miserably in your relationships and marriages. They do not understand, at all, adult relationships.

I'm not going to come into this thread and cite the multiple scientific studies that point to the fact that monogamy is not natural for human beings, especially not males. This is because I'm going to assume we are all adults and understand this - yet we strive to commit to monogamous relationships because they are ideal for child rearing.

You can be loved by someone without being number 1 in their sexual fantasies. If you can't get around this undeniable fact, you will be lonely forever. And it will be extremely sad, because you probably have a lot to offer someone, it's just that you were conditioned or taught to be so selfish and self absorbed and it probably was your parent's fault. But the burden for you to understand that other people, like your spouse, enjoy respect, trust, appreciation, and understanding.
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Old 09-02-2013, 03:19 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

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I joined this forum just to respond to the complete and utter double standard flashing vulgarly at everyone that comes across this thread.

I absolutely LOVE how the guy is superficial and shallow for having this problem, but if it was the reverse, it would HAVE to be about how the man wasn't giving his wife what she emotionally needed or keeping himself attractive to her. This is only offensive to women because it alludes to the reality that maybe they aren't god's gift to men after all and that their princess mentality should have parented out of them before they turned 17. God forbid, YOU have to put effort into the relationship and not just get to be worshipped until you die. Remember, you came across many of these types of guys but you dropped them way before you met your husband because they were too clingy or too "nice". Now that you haven't "settled", you're finding out the cold hard reality that you're just simply not that special. And guess what, it's SO good for you. You're just too damaged by your false sense of value to understand it.

I had to post a reply to this thread because those of you who believe "unlovedunfulfilled" or "natasha" will fail miserably in your relationships and marriages. They do not understand, at all, adult relationships.

I'm not going to come into this thread and cite the multiple scientific studies that point to the fact that monogamy is not natural for human beings, especially not males. This is because I'm going to assume we are all adults and understand this - yet we strive to commit to monogamous relationships because they are ideal for child rearing.

You can be loved by someone without being number 1 in their sexual fantasies. If you can't get around this undeniable fact, you will be lonely forever. And it will be extremely sad, because you probably have a lot to offer someone, it's just that you were conditioned or taught to be so selfish and self absorbed and it probably was your parent's fault. But the burden for you to understand that other people, like your spouse, enjoy respect, trust, appreciation, and understanding.
Woah, what are you even talking about? What you claimed to know for a fact would be said to a woman about her husband not giving her what she emotionally needed WAS said to the OP about this-so much for your double standard theory. And how do you know what people would have said to a female poster Miss Cleo? Especially since we tend to think of women as not caring as much about the physical aspect of marriage-I would have to disagree with your assumption.

As for the rest of your post-you're just rambling. You seem to have some unresolved issues with women and you used this forum as an outlet to vent your frustrations when what you're talking about has nothing to do with what was being discussed here. You're making comments about this woman feeling like a princess when the OP has already said she was a good woman that loved him and was there for him through hard times. Did you even read this thread?

Then you go on some pointless sexist rant about how monogamy isn't natural - on a website that's about marriage? Really?

I think you got lost- antimisandry.com seems to be what you're looking for. Everyone there will agree with your anger & sexism!
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Old 09-02-2013, 05:33 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

Monogamy is my milieu.
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Old 09-02-2013, 05:46 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

OP, I don't think anyone suggested getting your testosterone levels checked. Newness can give a brief bump in levels, which is why you may feel interest when you see/encounter someone you find attractive but not with your wife.
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Old 09-02-2013, 07:34 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

I don't hear an actual problem. I hear someone saying "I think this SHOULD be a problem".
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