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I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

78K views 44 replies 34 participants last post by  EleGirl 
#1 ·
Hello. My problem is I'm married, but have almost no sexual feelings for my wife anymore. We have been married for 5 years now. We have no kids. I'm 36, she's 41. We're both slightly out of shape but I don't think that is the issue, since I started losing my sex drive towards her almost from the first months. I see women I feel attracted to in many places. I love my wife. I don't want to hurt her and I'm not thinking about cheating on her, is just that I fantasize with being single so I can pursue those sexy women I've met at work or seen in the street or anywhere else. When we engage in sex, I don't have problem getting an erection and orgasming, I actually enjoy it, my problem is that I have to make a conscious effort to propose doing it and engage in sex with her, since I almost never do it out of desire anymore. She does want sex, often, but we do it like once a month. There was this co-worker I was very attracted to (a couple of years younger than me) and I had very strong sexual feelings towards her. I believe she felt more or less the same way. Anyway, I never tried anything, never initiated anything and although I desired sexual contact with her very much, I wouldn't have done it even if she suggested it, since it wouldn't be fair to my wife and I also know that that might be just an illusion, and that even if I got in a relationship with that woman and left my wife and everything, it might just happen then same thing with that woman over the course of time. What I'd REALLY like is to feel that way towards my wife again! I tried thinking more sexually and trying to be conscious to do it more often, but I just don't feel that desire. What can I do?
 
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#7 · (Edited)
I can't believe this...I feel exactly the same way! I love my wife and I'm not thinking of cheating but I just don't feel sexually attracted to her.. She is kind and loving and treats me so well, but it's got so bad that I imagine I'm having sex with somebody else.. I don't want to feel this way, I want to fix things, but you can't force yourself to feel differently, attraction can't be controlled.. By the way I should mention she wants sex with me all the time...I just shudder at the thought of it, and yet she's got a hot body!! I'm beginning to wonder if it's over, it's becoming so tortureous because I know she is feeling rejected. I'm worried that it's all going to end soon one way or another if I don't fix things... Things were great in the first few months, the best sex and closest I've ever felt to anybody but now...gone! Did you find a solution?

:confused:
 
#8 ·
I started losing my sex drive towards her almost from the first months.
Either it's a marital problem (this encompasses LOTS of things), you married the wrong person problem (settled) or you're an unable to commit to one woman problem aka you need novelty.

Losing your drive after only 3 months is a HUGE deal. Surely you have some idea what went wrong?
 
#9 ·
Think about what is it that attracts you about other women?

My husband, after a year, started acting like he was bored. So I asked him what was the problem. He said he was bored! I asked him, GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE, what did you wanted different? He said "well, I come home and you have sweats and t-shirt, then you move to flannel, and I am not attracted to flannel". (We live in upstate NY) "I want a sexy wife" So, we compromised, 3 days a week I would look good all day, we would buy a heating blanket and things got better. That also open the door for other conversations...We are always looking for improvement...

I own 6 wigs, that go with 6 different characters...:rofl:
 
#10 ·
I'm waiting for a male poster to yell "Bait and Switch!" or suggest that the OP wanted to marry the lady for conveniece of some sort.

I'm just imagining if this was a female posting this, it would have been way more harsh responses than this, so I'll ask the questions:

1. Why did you marry her in the first place? What attracted to her? Does she have a lot of money, power, influence, etc.?

2. Don't you think that it is disrespectful to desire other women?

3. Since you are not attracted to her, why don't you just ask for a divorce?

4. Did you let her know how you felt, if you did how did she react?
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#11 ·
the problem could be your wife isnt meeting your emotional needs and you dont feel loved. in other words, she isnt doing something that you yearn for. read "the five love languages" and you will probably find out what she isnt doing.

does she cook and keep the house clean?
does she give you hugs and kisses?
does she tell you how she loves you and what a great guy you are?
does she ever spend time with you?
does she ever give you gifts?

there is probably something on that list she doesnt do and you dont feel loved because of it. she certainly doesnt have to do all those things, but one or two of them she doesnt do can make you feel unloved if thats what you desire most.
 
#13 ·
Firstly all thank you for your responses. Diego, unfortunately not, she is very kind and giving and cares for me, I feel very loved indeed. I love her too...or maybe I don't...

Techmom I want to answer your questions. I don't agree that a woman should get different responses if the people posting on here are not judgemental.

1. Why did you marry her in the first place? What attracted to her? Does she have a lot of money, power, influence, etc.?

None of the above, but she was a real comfort to me when I was going through a very bad time in my life...things are still a little bad and she is still a comfort and makes me feel secure.

2. Don't you think that it is disrespectful to desire other women?

No I don't, I think that's unrealistic but if you are extremely religious, I can understand this point of view - I am not. And this isn't about desiring other women, it's about not desiring the one I love.

3. Since you are not attracted to her, why don't you just ask for a divorce?

Because we're married! Marriage is sacred to me, I'm not like half the peopl out there that feel divorce is a quick and easy solution to a failing relationship. Unless there is some irreversible reason, I feel every effort should be made to save a marriage and only a last resort to divorce.

4. Did you let her know how you felt, if you did how did she react?

I'm worried about this because once I do this it will seriously affect her self confidence and may damage things further. I do need to address it but I need to be careful in my approach.
 
#14 ·
Well since you are attracted to other females I would say this not a medical issue. It bothers me that you refer to this co-worker and how much you were attracted to her. I am not sure you are not subconciously really looking for a little excitement (curious looking and fantasizing) ..even though you say you aren't. If you really want to rebuild your relationship with your wife, you need to spend the time, focus and effort on building intimacy with her. Once a month is pretty low on the sexually connection/bonding time.

Your right telling your wife you not attracted to her is not the best approach. I am going to get some flack for saying that I am sure. How about saying something like.."I love you dearly and I think our relationship is very important. I feel that we have let the spark die out in our relationship and I would like to work on building that passion we used to have". I don't know, there are ways of telling her without being so brutally honest as to say "you don't attract me anymore".
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#15 ·
I agree with this. In my opinion, actions hurt worse than words. She wants sex often, yet they have sex once a month. Rejection screams "I don't want to have sex with you" and "I am not attracted to you". No real need to verbalize such brutality. I think the approach you suggested is a good one. it opens communication without blame or hurting anyone's feelings.
 
#16 ·
I've been married for 13+ years now. I'm 39 and my wifee is 35. No kids and probably won't have any. Only a cat. We both work full time jobs / careers, so money isn't an issue.

Day one we got married, the sex issues started. She is a larger woman and has a LD. Her parents are nice, but very shy, quiet and conservative. My wife could easily go 2 weeks of no sex and sometimes no sex for the entire month and this was going on the first year we got married!!!

I've been weight training and I'm in great shape.

It's now 13+ years later, she has gained a lot of weight and is very fat. Her sex drive hasn't changed too much, maybe a slight increase and even after our talk, her sex drive is going back to 1x every 1 - 2 weeks again.


I would say, take care of yourselves, so you're both in the same shape. Both of you dress attractively, somewhat sexy and do things together more.

There will always be another, hotter woman out there. I'm in the same situation. All my wife's female co-workers dress sexy and are in way better shape than she is and they flirt with me, talk a little dirty and they like it when I hug them. But that's as far as it would go. I agree, over time, there will always be a sexier, younger woman. That will never end. I say, get your wife to dress sexy when she's at home, do lots together, watch adult movies together, buy toys, use sensual oils, candles, wait for her in the shower, or give her oral when she is asleep, have flowers on the kitchen table before she gets up.........all will help. But if she has a LD, and you have a HD, there isn't much you can do.
 
#17 ·
Why the heck are the men projecting their experience onto the OP? He said that he is not attracted to his wife...not because she is LD but because he is not attracted to her because he is MORE attracted to other women. In other words, it is nothing that she is doing that is making him less attracted to her.

...Waiting for someone to tell the OP to either:

1. Go to marriage counseling, she deserves someone better who is attracted to her.

2. "fake it until you make it"

3. Why do you expect a monogamous marriage, but you don't want to give her the intimacy she needs.
 
#18 ·
I believe you can control attraction. Make love to your wife. Experience it deeply. Feel her spirit. Feel her body. Think about the love you share and your life together. She is your woman. If you have outside thoughts in intimacy slow down and refocus. This woman loves and cares for you and you for her. Your love is you're attraction.
To me it sounds like you are doing well in trying. And if you don't want to have sex as much as you think you should that's okay.
 
#19 ·
Here is link that might be helpful to you

TEDTalks - YouTube


Also, get the book "His Needs, Her Needs", you both should read it and do the things it suggests. You can build passion in your relationship.

Have you ever left a strong sexual passion for your wife?
 
#21 ·
I see selfishness in this. I really do. I'm not trying to be rude, but it is very selfish, these feelings. Women already struggle so much to be accepted for themselves because society always tries to make women feel like they aren't quite good enough, should be a size 0, etc. What a woman really needs is a man that TRULY loves her. Loves her with everything that is in him. If a man truly, truly loves a woman, they may get older, body parts may go south, other women may be tempting, but in the eyes of his beloved, he will always see her as young and beautiful, and it is her who he chooses to love everyday. A real man makes his woman feel so good and is so busy putting his own woman on a pedestal that he has no need and no time to worry about other women.

What if your wife were thinking like you? in my opinion, you're being very selfish. Maybe you were too immature to be married in the first place.
 
#22 ·
And I'm sorry, ladies. Becoming overweight, developing a skin issue, etc. All superficial reasons for a man to fall out of love with you. It just shows his immaturity to act in such a manner, and shows his reasons for marriage were very shallow. The one who really loves you, loves you even at your alleged worst. They don't walk out on you for the supposed 'next best thing'.
 
#24 ·
Thank you!!!!! :iagree:...Wish more people thought this way. Unfortunately we are becoming more visual and more focused on our personal happiness, however fleeting, to sustain a successful relationship...I really wonder how our spouses would feel if we started detesting them if they started losing their hair or developing a pouch and subsequently leave them for someone younger ..do they not think about all this before taking such a damaging step in a relationship??
 
#23 ·
You COULD be attracted to your wife, if you truly wanted to be, and as you know you SHOULD be. You could. Think about it. Stop looking at superficial crap, whatever that may be, and see your wife's heart. Feel her. Not 'feel her up'. Feel her spirit. Feel her heart. Feel her soul. Learn to love what makes her, HER. See the beauty in her. See the good in her. See her as your own. The only way you cannot love your wife is if you do not love yourself. She is part of you. Don't you love yourself? Your wife is to be your other half, your best half, your best friend, your partner. Stop looking at all those strumpets outside your marriage, and learn to see your wife as a blessing from God to you. "He that findeth a wife, findeth a good thing'. See your wife as God's best for you. It is unfair to your wife what you are doing. You may not have slept with those other women, but even if you've imagined it in your heart, you've done it.
 
#25 ·
I joined this forum just to respond to the complete and utter double standard flashing vulgarly at everyone that comes across this thread.

I absolutely LOVE how the guy is superficial and shallow for having this problem, but if it was the reverse, it would HAVE to be about how the man wasn't giving his wife what she emotionally needed or keeping himself attractive to her. This is only offensive to women because it alludes to the reality that maybe they aren't god's gift to men after all and that their princess mentality should have parented out of them before they turned 17. God forbid, YOU have to put effort into the relationship and not just get to be worshipped until you die. Remember, you came across many of these types of guys but you dropped them way before you met your husband because they were too clingy or too "nice". Now that you haven't "settled", you're finding out the cold hard reality that you're just simply not that special. And guess what, it's SO good for you. You're just too damaged by your false sense of value to understand it.

I had to post a reply to this thread because those of you who believe "unlovedunfulfilled" or "natasha" will fail miserably in your relationships and marriages. They do not understand, at all, adult relationships.

I'm not going to come into this thread and cite the multiple scientific studies that point to the fact that monogamy is not natural for human beings, especially not males. This is because I'm going to assume we are all adults and understand this - yet we strive to commit to monogamous relationships because they are ideal for child rearing.

You can be loved by someone without being number 1 in their sexual fantasies. If you can't get around this undeniable fact, you will be lonely forever. And it will be extremely sad, because you probably have a lot to offer someone, it's just that you were conditioned or taught to be so selfish and self absorbed and it probably was your parent's fault. But the burden for you to understand that other people, like your spouse, enjoy respect, trust, appreciation, and understanding.
 
#26 ·
Woah, what are you even talking about? What you claimed to know for a fact would be said to a woman about her husband not giving her what she emotionally needed WAS said to the OP about this-so much for your double standard theory. And how do you know what people would have said to a female poster Miss Cleo? Especially since we tend to think of women as not caring as much about the physical aspect of marriage-I would have to disagree with your assumption.

As for the rest of your post-you're just rambling. You seem to have some unresolved issues with women and you used this forum as an outlet to vent your frustrations when what you're talking about has nothing to do with what was being discussed here. You're making comments about this woman feeling like a princess when the OP has already said she was a good woman that loved him and was there for him through hard times. Did you even read this thread?

Then you go on some pointless sexist rant about how monogamy isn't natural - on a website that's about marriage? Really?

I think you got lost- antimisandry.com seems to be what you're looking for. Everyone there will agree with your anger & sexism!
 
#28 ·
OP, I don't think anyone suggested getting your testosterone levels checked. Newness can give a brief bump in levels, which is why you may feel interest when you see/encounter someone you find attractive but not with your wife.
 
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#34 ·
Ok I'm going to say it because I just wrote about I insecure I with myself. WTF! No matter what u say no matter what u do Togo about telling her this it's going to destroy her. U should not have gotten married and u should get a divorce so she gets someone she deserves!!! I understand that this is something I can't control and I want to fix, that is admirable but the fact is u r looking at other women, wish u were single, all the while ur loving wife is more and more devoted to u. U r doing her so wrong! I'm insecure and DH tells me everyday how beautiful I am. Imagine how she would feel/ will feel when I tell her! Lord I'm sorry for being rude and especially for saying this, I wish I could slap the sense into u. Make u see what u have and how lucky u are and that u may find the grass isn't greener on the other side and I will regret it. And I hope when u do she's with someone who's over the moon for her.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#44 ·
It's not about you being rude, it's about your tone of blaming and condemning this guy, which is out of line and typical of women's nature. It's clear you haven't seemed to have worked that out of you, whatever age you are. Don't tell him he's doing wrong, don't condemn him. Find out more of why a man would say these things. Men establish attraction with women first through physical appearance. That's our biology and it's a fact. Plain and simple, if he loves her yet she is not working on her appearance, that means she is failing in maintaining her appeal to him and this is where the problem lies. If he didn't love her, he would have already been gone.
 
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