I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-05-2011, 10:24 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

Hello. My problem is I'm married, but have almost no sexual feelings for my wife anymore. We have been married for 5 years now. We have no kids. I'm 36, she's 41. We're both slightly out of shape but I don't think that is the issue, since I started losing my sex drive towards her almost from the first months. I see women I feel attracted to in many places. I love my wife. I don't want to hurt her and I'm not thinking about cheating on her, is just that I fantasize with being single so I can pursue those sexy women I've met at work or seen in the street or anywhere else. When we engage in sex, I don't have problem getting an erection and orgasming, I actually enjoy it, my problem is that I have to make a conscious effort to propose doing it and engage in sex with her, since I almost never do it out of desire anymore. She does want sex, often, but we do it like once a month. There was this co-worker I was very attracted to (a couple of years younger than me) and I had very strong sexual feelings towards her. I believe she felt more or less the same way. Anyway, I never tried anything, never initiated anything and although I desired sexual contact with her very much, I wouldn't have done it even if she suggested it, since it wouldn't be fair to my wife and I also know that that might be just an illusion, and that even if I got in a relationship with that woman and left my wife and everything, it might just happen then same thing with that woman over the course of time. What I'd REALLY like is to feel that way towards my wife again! I tried thinking more sexually and trying to be conscious to do it more often, but I just don't feel that desire. What can I do?
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Old 02-05-2011, 10:30 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

You and your wife need to go out more often, with her dressing sexy and you dressing handsome..
but what do I know, I am only 25..and after three years of marriage struggling with the exact same thing..but maybe it works for you.
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Old 02-05-2011, 10:35 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

If you were to work on improving the intimacy and romance, the sexual feelings will likely follow.

I think the lack of sexual desire is merely a symptom of other issues.

It does not sound like you have put a great deal of effort on rekindling these feelings.

TRY HARD.....you may be really happy with the results.
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Old 02-05-2011, 11:31 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

I agree with the two above. A relationship should be in a constant state of courting and earning each others desire. Otherwise it gets old and boring real quick.
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Old 02-05-2011, 11:52 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

Dating your wife again. Suggest her to dress up sexy.
If it doesn't work, tell your wife the truth and ask her for help.
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Old 02-05-2011, 12:47 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

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Originally Posted by kramer2000 View Post
Hello. My problem is I'm married, but have almost no sexual feelings for my wife anymore. We have been married for 5 years now. We have no kids. I'm 36, she's 41. We're both slightly out of shape but I don't think that is the issue, since I started losing my sex drive towards her almost from the first months. I see women I feel attracted to in many places. I love my wife. I don't want to hurt her and I'm not thinking about cheating on her, is just that I fantasize with being single so I can pursue those sexy women I've met at work or seen in the street or anywhere else. When we engage in sex, I don't have problem getting an erection and orgasming, I actually enjoy it, my problem is that I have to make a conscious effort to propose doing it and engage in sex with her, since I almost never do it out of desire anymore. She does want sex, often, but we do it like once a month. There was this co-worker I was very attracted to (a couple of years younger than me) and I had very strong sexual feelings towards her. I believe she felt more or less the same way. Anyway, I never tried anything, never initiated anything and although I desired sexual contact with her very much, I wouldn't have done it even if she suggested it, since it wouldn't be fair to my wife and I also know that that might be just an illusion, and that even if I got in a relationship with that woman and left my wife and everything, it might just happen then same thing with that woman over the course of time. What I'd REALLY like is to feel that way towards my wife again! I tried thinking more sexually and trying to be conscious to do it more often, but I just don't feel that desire. What can I do?
Why did you marry your wife if you lost attraction to here within a couple of months? Or if it happened after the wedding, why stay married for 5 years?
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Old 02-15-2013, 10:20 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

I can't believe this...I feel exactly the same way! I love my wife and I'm not thinking of cheating but I just don't feel sexually attracted to her.. She is kind and loving and treats me so well, but it's got so bad that I imagine I'm having sex with somebody else.. I don't want to feel this way, I want to fix things, but you can't force yourself to feel differently, attraction can't be controlled.. By the way I should mention she wants sex with me all the time...I just shudder at the thought of it, and yet she's got a hot body!! I'm beginning to wonder if it's over, it's becoming so tortureous because I know she is feeling rejected. I'm worried that it's all going to end soon one way or another if I don't fix things... Things were great in the first few months, the best sex and closest I've ever felt to anybody but now...gone! Did you find a solution?


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Old 02-15-2013, 10:54 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

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I started losing my sex drive towards her almost from the first months.
Either it's a marital problem (this encompasses LOTS of things), you married the wrong person problem (settled) or you're an unable to commit to one woman problem aka you need novelty.

Losing your drive after only 3 months is a HUGE deal. Surely you have some idea what went wrong?
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Old 02-15-2013, 11:21 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

Think about what is it that attracts you about other women?

My husband, after a year, started acting like he was bored. So I asked him what was the problem. He said he was bored! I asked him, GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE, what did you wanted different? He said "well, I come home and you have sweats and t-shirt, then you move to flannel, and I am not attracted to flannel". (We live in upstate NY) "I want a sexy wife" So, we compromised, 3 days a week I would look good all day, we would buy a heating blanket and things got better. That also open the door for other conversations...We are always looking for improvement...

I own 6 wigs, that go with 6 different characters...
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Old 02-15-2013, 11:31 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

I'm waiting for a male poster to yell "Bait and Switch!" or suggest that the OP wanted to marry the lady for conveniece of some sort.

I'm just imagining if this was a female posting this, it would have been way more harsh responses than this, so I'll ask the questions:

1. Why did you marry her in the first place? What attracted to her? Does she have a lot of money, power, influence, etc.?

2. Don't you think that it is disrespectful to desire other women?

3. Since you are not attracted to her, why don't you just ask for a divorce?

4. Did you let her know how you felt, if you did how did she react?
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Old 02-15-2013, 12:16 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

the problem could be your wife isnt meeting your emotional needs and you dont feel loved. in other words, she isnt doing something that you yearn for. read "the five love languages" and you will probably find out what she isnt doing.

does she cook and keep the house clean?
does she give you hugs and kisses?
does she tell you how she loves you and what a great guy you are?
does she ever spend time with you?
does she ever give you gifts?

there is probably something on that list she doesnt do and you dont feel loved because of it. she certainly doesnt have to do all those things, but one or two of them she doesnt do can make you feel unloved if thats what you desire most.
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Old 02-15-2013, 01:26 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

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Originally Posted by Diego41 View Post
the problem could be your wife isnt meeting your emotional needs and you dont feel loved. in other words, she isnt doing something that you yearn for. read "the five love languages" and you will probably find out what she isnt doing.

does she cook and keep the house clean?
does she give you hugs and kisses?
does she tell you how she loves you and what a great guy you are?
does she ever spend time with you?
does she ever give you gifts?

there is probably something on that list she doesnt do and you dont feel loved because of it. she certainly doesnt have to do all those things, but one or two of them she doesnt do can make you feel unloved if thats what you desire most.
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Old 02-15-2013, 04:38 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

Firstly all thank you for your responses. Diego, unfortunately not, she is very kind and giving and cares for me, I feel very loved indeed. I love her too...or maybe I don't...

Techmom I want to answer your questions. I don't agree that a woman should get different responses if the people posting on here are not judgemental.

1. Why did you marry her in the first place? What attracted to her? Does she have a lot of money, power, influence, etc.?

None of the above, but she was a real comfort to me when I was going through a very bad time in my life...things are still a little bad and she is still a comfort and makes me feel secure.

2. Don't you think that it is disrespectful to desire other women?

No I don't, I think that's unrealistic but if you are extremely religious, I can understand this point of view - I am not. And this isn't about desiring other women, it's about not desiring the one I love.

3. Since you are not attracted to her, why don't you just ask for a divorce?

Because we're married! Marriage is sacred to me, I'm not like half the peopl out there that feel divorce is a quick and easy solution to a failing relationship. Unless there is some irreversible reason, I feel every effort should be made to save a marriage and only a last resort to divorce.

4. Did you let her know how you felt, if you did how did she react?

I'm worried about this because once I do this it will seriously affect her self confidence and may damage things further. I do need to address it but I need to be careful in my approach.
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Old 02-15-2013, 07:52 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by kramer2000 View Post
Hello. My problem is I'm married, but have almost no sexual feelings for my wife anymore. We have been married for 5 years now. We have no kids. I'm 36, she's 41. We're both slightly out of shape but I don't think that is the issue, since I started losing my sex drive towards her almost from the first months. I see women I feel attracted to in many places. I love my wife. I don't want to hurt her and I'm not thinking about cheating on her, is just that I fantasize with being single so I can pursue those sexy women I've met at work or seen in the street or anywhere else. When we engage in sex, I don't have problem getting an erection and orgasming, I actually enjoy it, my problem is that I have to make a conscious effort to propose doing it and engage in sex with her, since I almost never do it out of desire anymore. She does want sex, often, but we do it like once a month. There was this co-worker I was very attracted to (a couple of years younger than me) and I had very strong sexual feelings towards her. I believe she felt more or less the same way. Anyway, I never tried anything, never initiated anything and although I desired sexual contact with her very much, I wouldn't have done it even if she suggested it, since it wouldn't be fair to my wife and I also know that that might be just an illusion, and that even if I got in a relationship with that woman and left my wife and everything, it might just happen then same thing with that woman over the course of time. What I'd REALLY like is to feel that way towards my wife again! I tried thinking more sexually and trying to be conscious to do it more often, but I just don't feel that desire. What can I do?
Well since you are attracted to other females I would say this not a medical issue. It bothers me that you refer to this co-worker and how much you were attracted to her. I am not sure you are not subconciously really looking for a little excitement (curious looking and fantasizing) ..even though you say you aren't. If you really want to rebuild your relationship with your wife, you need to spend the time, focus and effort on building intimacy with her. Once a month is pretty low on the sexually connection/bonding time.

Your right telling your wife you not attracted to her is not the best approach. I am going to get some flack for saying that I am sure. How about saying something like.."I love you dearly and I think our relationship is very important. I feel that we have let the spark die out in our relationship and I would like to work on building that passion we used to have". I don't know, there are ways of telling her without being so brutally honest as to say "you don't attract me anymore".
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Old 02-15-2013, 08:00 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I almost don't feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore

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Well since you are attracted to other females I would say this not a medical issue. It bothers me that you refer to this co-worker and how much you were attracted to her. I am not sure you are not subconciously really looking for a little excitement (curious looking and fantasizing) ..even though you say you aren't. If you really want to rebuild your relationship with your wife, you need to spend the time, focus and effort on building intimacy with her. Once a month is pretty low on the sexually connection/bonding time.

Your right telling your wife you not attracted to her is not the best approach. I am going to get some flack for saying that I am sure. How about saying something like.."I love you dearly and I think our relationship is very important. I feel that we have let the spark die out in our relationship and I would like to work on building that passion we used to have". I don't know, there are ways of telling her without being so brutally honest as to say "you don't attract me anymore".
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I agree with this. In my opinion, actions hurt worse than words. She wants sex often, yet they have sex once a month. Rejection screams "I don't want to have sex with you" and "I am not attracted to you". No real need to verbalize such brutality. I think the approach you suggested is a good one. it opens communication without blame or hurting anyone's feelings.
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