Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Re: Porn--Trying to Understand--Why Is It a Threat?
Hold on. There is a difference between porn (as in pre-recorded movies, pictures) and live porn (chats, sex cams with an actual person).
In my book:
Pre-recorded movies - not cheating (non-personal "contact")
Live chats, sex cams, sexting, hookups, adultfriendfinders etc - cheating (personal contact).
If your MAN is viewing porn, do you know about it?
Yes.
How do you know about it? Did you find out about it on your own or did he tell you?
Told me, showed me, exposed me and apparently contaminated me LOL
Do you view porn yourself?
Yes.
Do you view porn together?
Yes.
Are you threatened by his use of porn?
No.
Is your sex life suffering or is it normal?
When it sucked I never attributed it to porn.
Re: Porn--Trying to Understand--Why Is It a Threat?
Quote:
Originally Posted by reachingshore
Hold on. There is a difference between porn (as in pre-recorded movies, pictures) and live porn (chats, sex cams with an actual person).
In my book:
Pre-recorded movies - not cheating (non-personal "contact")
Live chats, sex cams, sexting, hookups, adultfriendfinders etc - cheating (personal contact).
If your MAN is viewing porn, do you know about it?
Yes.
How do you know about it? Did you find out about it on your own or did he tell you?
Told me, showed me, exposed me and apparently contaminated me LOL
Do you view porn yourself?
Yes.
Do you view porn together?
Yes.
Are you threatened by his use of porn?
No.
Is your sex life suffering or is it normal?
When it sucked I never attributed it to porn.
So when your sex life sucked, what did you attribute it to? Did his use of porn ramp up when it sucked or stay the same?
Has he every tried to hide any of his porn use from you?
Re: Porn--Trying to Understand--Why Is It a Threat?
I didn't attribute it to anything really (as in "Ahaa! This has got to be it!"). I looked for solid objective answers as to why exactly we didn't have sex. Those turned out to be a combination of prolonged tension and lack of communication about it. Seemingly simple and obvious answers, but if one doesn't talk about it and the situation is long-lasting, one begins to over-complicate things in her oversexed mind, right?
Even if we watch porn separately, neither of us hides it from one another.
Re: Porn--Trying to Understand--Why Is It a Threat?
Quote:
Originally Posted by reachingshore
I didn't attribute it to anything really. I looked for solid objective answers as to why exactly we didn't have sex. Those turned out to be a combination of prolonged tension and lack of communication about it. Seemingly simple and obvious answers, but if one doesn't talk about it and the situation is long-lasting, one begins to over-complicate things in her oversexed mind, right?
Even if we watch porn separately, neither of us hides it from one another.
And that could be the problem in my marriage.
But, you have to talk about it and he won't - sort of limits my options, huh?
So I try to improve anything I can (me, communication, interaction between us,), etc., all with misinformation, no information and pure guessing on my part.
Re: Porn--Trying to Understand--Why Is It a Threat?
Quote:
Originally Posted by reachingshore
Hold on. There is a difference between porn (as in pre-recorded movies, pictures) and live porn (chats, sex cams with an actual person).
In my book:
Pre-recorded movies - not cheating (non-personal "contact")
Live chats, sex cams, sexting, hookups, adultfriendfinders etc - cheating (personal contact).
If your MAN is viewing porn, do you know about it?
Yes.
How do you know about it? Did you find out about it on your own or did he tell you?
Told me, showed me, exposed me and apparently contaminated me LOL
Do you view porn yourself?
Yes.
Do you view porn together?
Yes.
Are you threatened by his use of porn?
No.
Is your sex life suffering or is it normal?
When it sucked I never attributed it to porn.
Or is ALL of the above perfectly acceptable and a normal part of a man's life?
If your MAN is viewing porn, do you know about it?
How do you know about it?
Did you find out about it on your own or did he tell you?
Do you view porn yourself?
Do you view porn together?
Are you threatened by his use of porn? Is your sex life suffering or is it normal?
Let's discuss.[/QUOT
I feel bad that you have become obsessed with this issue.
Porn is not cheating, because there is no physical or emotional contact.
Porn is a normal part of men's lives. There are also women who love it, such as yours truly. I like lesbian porn the best. Haven't looked at it in a while though.
My husband and I have looked at porn while we've had sex. I doubt he looks at it privately, since he rarely masturbates. If I found him look at porn, I would have no issue with it at all; I am a sexually confident woman.
Re: Porn--Trying to Understand--Why Is It a Threat?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarriedWifeInLove
And that could be the problem in my marriage.
But, you have to talk about it and he won't - sort of limits my options, huh?
So I try to improve anything I can (me, communication, interaction between us,), etc., all with misinformation, no information and pure guessing on my part.
Very sad to be alone in this marriage.
I get it :/ I guess it was hard for my husband to just tell me he had a problem performing or didn't feel like it (or something) when he'd been stressed. It's only when I came to TAM, posted my case and then showed him replies, he "opened up". I think it was a kind of a shock therapy for him LOL
Believe me, prior to that, I was even once told (while he was drunk) that he was not attracted to me anymore. Till date he denies he's ever said it. Luckily I am not a kind of a woman to take it personally. I am probably overly self confident when it comes to my physique I realize that at the time I was very aggressive in pursuing him, something which I normally wouldn't be as I know it's a turn off for him (there is a difference between "aggressive" and "assertive").
Or is ALL of the above perfectly acceptable and a normal part of a man's life? Or womans? Depends on relationship I think if acceptable
If your MAN is viewing porn, do you know about it? Yes, but not because he tells meHow do you know about it?
Did you find out about it on your own or did he tell you?
Do you view porn yourself? Have in past
Do you view porn together? 3-4yrs ago
Are you threatened by his use of porn? Yes. Since I feel loss of self worth, major self esteem, even though he tells me I'm still beautiful 15lbs heavier and I refuse to get naked and I have no sex drive for him at all, I still get more self conscious of my body when I seen what his friends send him via emails. They are tasteful and gorgeous women that I'd love to have that confidence. I understand he may need the visual since I dont' give him his physical need. But this was going on even before I had my own personal issues.
Is your sex life suffering or is it normal? Yes. But not due to porn issues. Many other factors. Ones that I've lost all desire to work on. Now, I will 'give' H sex and strictly sex maybe 1x every two weeks. Actually, I've noticed it happens when my dirve is up before menstral week. But, there's no passion, desire, drive. He knows it. Can sense and feel it from me, yet still takes it from me. It saddens me to know he's okay with that, and that I will do that. But many other things are issues besides sex for me, us. I guess I've resorted to 'playing the part' to keep those around me happy/comfortable.
Re: Porn--Trying to Understand--Why Is It a Threat?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarriedWifeInLove
Do you view PORN as cheating?
No. I DO view deceit as cheating.
Quote:
If you do, what types of porn?
Pictures, videos?
Live sex web cams, live sex chats?
In my opinion, there is a difference between inanimate viewing and live action, in real time interpersonal interaction. The former is porn. The latter is... something else. Not sure what.
That is not porn. That is looking to swing, cheat, something. But it isn't porn.
Quote:
Or is ALL of the above perfectly acceptable and a normal part of a man's life?
If your MAN is viewing porn, do you know about it?
Yes. Yes.
Quote:
How do you know about it?
He tells me. He doesn't bother to hide it.
Quote:
Did you find out about it on your own or did he tell you?
Do you view porn yourself?
Yes.
Quote:
Do you view porn together?
Yes.
Quote:
Are you threatened by his use of porn? Is your sex life suffering or is it normal?
It is "normal" for us BECAUSE we are not threatened by it. Our sex life is probably not normal. It is probably abnormally active and varied, if what we see here is any indication. Porn plays a TEENY part in that.
Re: Porn--Trying to Understand--Why Is It a Threat?
Thankfully I'm not threatened by it either. However, what I would feel threatened by would be if I was with someone who chose it over me. I see that alot here on these threads and in other forums. Where a woman will clearly state her spouse is watching porn and preferring it over her because he doesn't want her sexually, but then the whiners start it. But... but... porn is ok..its great all people do it..she should just get over it, blah blah,when that wasn't even what some peoples posts were about, or what they were trying to say. Some people just automatically assume, she doesn't like porn, and that she needs to get over it.
Re: Porn--Trying to Understand--Why Is It a Threat?
I've said this before on other threads but let me reiterate...
Ladies, have you found your husbands porn? Are you desperate for sex? Is he "choosing porn over you"?
Why not try looking at his porn to see what he's interested in, maybe it's a type of bra the girls are wearing, maybe it's a certain sex act they are performing... maybe it's just a situation in the movie... you have a window into "what turns your husband on" - why not use it to your advantage?
Re: Porn--Trying to Understand--Why Is It a Threat?
Quote:
Originally Posted by DudleyD
I've said this before on other threads but let me reiterate...
Ladies, have you found your husbands porn? Are you desperate for sex? Is he "choosing porn over you"?
Why not try looking at his porn to see what he's interested in, maybe it's a type of bra the girls are wearing, maybe it's a certain sex act they are performing... maybe it's just a situation in the movie... you have a window into "what turns your husband on" - why not use it to your advantage?
What turns a guy on about porn is that it is somebody different. If the spouse performed the EXACT same sex acts as they do in porn, men would still watch it. What exactly would the point be?
Re: Porn--Trying to Understand--Why Is It a Threat?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brennan
What turns a guy on about porn is that it is somebody different. If the spouse performed the EXACT same sex acts as they do in porn, men would still watch it. What exactly would the point be?
I don't think it is about watching someone different, at least not most of the time. I think it is about watching two (or more) people enjoy the act of sex.
I will tell you that if my wife would let us film each other I would watch that 100X more times than other porn. I would find it INCREDIBLY HOT and I can watch it and do my thing whenever I want so I don't have to bother my wife all the time with my hormone laden body. Now if she is up for a romp, then I will put down the computer and go play.
Re: Porn--Trying to Understand--Why Is It a Threat?
Quote:
Originally Posted by hubby
I don't think it is about watching someone different, at least not most of the time. I think it is about watching two (or more) people enjoy the act of sex.
I will tell you that if my wife would let us film each other I would watch that 100X more times than other porn. I would find it INCREDIBLY HOT and I can watch it and do my thing whenever I want so I don't have to bother my wife all the time with my hormone laden body. Now if she is up for a romp, then I will put down the computer and go play.
I think you are not the norm though. I think most guys feel as I stated. and THAT is what women have a problem with.
Porn--Trying to Understand--Why Is It a Threat? 
I like lesbian porn the best. Haven't looked at it in a while though. 
I realize that at the time I was very aggressive in pursuing him, something which I normally wouldn't be as I know it's a turn off for him (there is a difference between "aggressive" and "assertive").
