Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
"I don't want to live this way or for my kids to live this way. I just don't know how to fix it."
Bottom line, you either will continue to live this way with your kids, or you will get out of the situation. YOU can't fix it, no matter how much you want to. The reason for that is, you can't fix him! HE has to want to change and stop some of his behaviors. If he doesn't want to change and get some help, etc, then this is probably the way your life will be until one decides to leave.
Is it possible that I've caused this by doing the things he asked in the first place? Even if I didn't want to? He tells me he is HAPPY?! How can he be happy but tell me I don't care about his needs, I'm taking things he likes from him just to "show him" I can, that he's down because he can't get anything to go his way, if only I still liked sex with him he'd have it made, that I don't have to and I don't worry about it because that's just the way it is, on and on and on.............
HBGirl - 4 to 5 times a week? The lucky ba$tard! Like many husbands on here, I'm lucky to get 4-5 times a YEAR!
Anyway, moving on.....I think your husband is being a ****head. However, as a male, I can sort of understand where he is coming from....I'd love my wife to massage my prostate...I havent a hope in hell because she doesnt even do oral (give)!
Are there any of these 'extreme' things that you sort of enjoy? Maybe you could defuse the situation by telling him that you really enjoy doing 'x' with HIM, and 'y' but you really don't want to do 'z' because it hurts or you just don't like it...so a compromise that YOU are happy with....
Is it possible that I've caused this by doing the things he asked in the first place? Even if I didn't want to? He tells me he is HAPPY?! How can he be happy but tell me I don't care about his needs, I'm taking things he likes from him just to "show him" I can, that he's down because he can't get anything to go his way, if only I still liked sex with him he'd have it made, that I don't have to and I don't worry about it because that's just the way it is, on and on and on.............
Update--same old, same old. NOW it's not all about the extreme sex it's that I won't do ANYTHING with him. If it's really that I don't do anything with him then why is this the only time I hear about it. I feel like I do so much more for him than most wives because I "choose" to, because I do love him. I've told him several times what I'm alright with and no matter what it is he wants MORE or ABOVE. It makes me feel like I'll never be good enough & he'll never be satisfied.
First off...YOU are good enough. Probably better than he deserves at this point. And you're likely very right..he'll never be satisfied. I would suggest reading "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Might give you some perspective.
You really do need counseling. I would suggest that you go for counseling without him at this point. You need support, and strength.
What is your next move? I truly believe until this man wakes up and gets some kind of help and comes to the realization of what he is doing to his family this is how things will be for you.
I also hear you talking out of both sides of your mouth. One minute it seems you are upset with the fact he wants more and more and to the extreme. Then the next you are saying you do so much and you will do the things he loves because you love him. So exactly which is it? Do you want him to back off from wanting it so much and so extreme? Or are you ok with it, if you're ok with and do it because you love him, not sure what the issue is?
If he makes you feel whatever you do isn't ever gonna be good enough, its because it wont be. He has an "extreme" type of attitude/personality. Like I said, until he sees the light, this is probably how it will be for you.
Bottom line, if you feel its to much, and to the extreme and you don't care for it, then you have control of that. Him whining about it is on him.
My first move is I'm going to find & read the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Hopefully it will help me understand or know how I can fix this. The issue is if I DON'T do something for one reason or another I go through this hell. Why not appreciate that I DO alot of things that I'm not really comfortable with and be happy when you do get them. Selfish of me I guess.
My first move is I'm going to find & read the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Hopefully it will help me understand or know how I can fix this. The issue is if I DON'T do something for one reason or another I go through this hell. Why not appreciate that I DO alot of things that I'm not really comfortable with and be happy when you do get them. Selfish of me I guess.
I think that book would be great! That's a good idea. You are not selfish, HE is! He is really taking advantage of someone who goes up, over and beyond.
...and in my experience behaviour such as this, if not 'controlled' often leads to criminal offences being committed...
In a marriage anything goes providing you are both happy with it. If you feel that what your husband is demanding goes beyond what you are happy with and into possibly more serious territory then you need to speak to him, a doctor, a counsellor or even a police officer from you local Domestic Violence Unit....
Trey, you may have hit on it! She takes out the biggest strap on she can find and tells him that the movie she watched showed a guy taking it without any lube!
Haha, this comment has made my day!
hbgirl, as people have mentioned above dont do anything u dont want because you dont want to break up the marriage. Think of your self respect as a human being, also if you continue to accept his ways, you will find your self esteem on the floor before you know it, that will induce another set of problems.
Is it possible that I've caused this by doing the things he asked in the first place? Even if I didn't want to? He tells me he is HAPPY?! How can he be happy but tell me I don't care about his needs, I'm taking things he likes from him just to "show him" I can, that he's down because he can't get anything to go his way, if only I still liked sex with him he'd have it made, that I don't have to and I don't worry about it because that's just the way it is, on and on and on.............
Yes, and no. You didn't CAUSE him to be a selfish a$$hole. But you led him to believe that you would give him everything he wants.
You have no boundaries. Just the way he likes it. Over the years, he has pushed and pushed and pushed on your boundaries and you - like most women - have given in to keep the peace, to keep him happy, to get over your guilt at not being superwoman. And now...you SHOULD be all about him.
My DH was the exact same way because I never said no. We did what he wanted, went where he wanted to go, did 'it' whenever he wanted...I lost all my friends, my family, my sanity because I became his 'savior' - the one person who could 'fix' him and constantly attend to his needs to keep him happy. In the meantime, however, I disappeared. And nearly ended up dead becaues of it.
When I was going to therapy awhile back, my ONLY homework was to tell my DH that I was going to take a couple hours off on a Saturday and just go do something by myself. I could never do it! I tried for over a year and never got the courage. Why? Because in 25 years, any time I tried that, I was met with 'Fine! Just go off and be selfish! I'll just be here doing all the work that has to be done while you're off gallivanting around having fun! But who cares?! YOU sure don't!'
Stuff like that. It taught me to give up my identity, to keep from hearing such crap.
Over the last few years, with the help of these forums, I've learned how to start stepping back, to say 'no, I DON'T want to go with you to the hardware store.' Something as simple as that and it terrified me to say it!
But I did, I forced myself to start asking myself 'what would I like to be doing?' and then start doing it.
It's a slow process, but it makes a huge difference. Now he ASKS me if I want to go with him. Now he doesn't make a fuss if I say no. Now, he actually cooks dinner if he occasionally gets home before I do. He picks up (a little). He folds towels. He rarely gets angry any more.
Update--same old, same old. NOW it's not all about the extreme sex it's that I won't do ANYTHING with him. If it's really that I don't do anything with him then why is this the only time I hear about it. I feel like I do so much more for him than most wives because I "choose" to, because I do love him. I've told him several times what I'm alright with and no matter what it is he wants MORE or ABOVE. It makes me feel like I'll never be good enough & he'll never be satisfied.
Why don't you get a posterboard and start keeping track of all the things you do? Do a table, all the stuff you do down the left, and days of the week across the right. Check off each time you do something. Show it to him at the end of the week when you have your discussion of why you will no longer do kinky.
My first move is I'm going to find & read the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Hopefully it will help me understand or know how I can fix this. The issue is if I DON'T do something for one reason or another I go through this hell. Why not appreciate that I DO alot of things that I'm not really comfortable with and be happy when you do get them. Selfish of me I guess.
It's an outstanding book; I hope you get it today. Most libraries carry it.
The bolded above is where you have to start changing.
If you do something to avoid his wrath...stop doing it. Plain and simple. Calmly explain why you won't do it - that it goes against what you need as a human being. If he rages, you say I won't be spoken to that way and leave the room. If he follows you, go somewhere and lock the door or go outside and walk away.
You may want to keep your purse and car keys near the door so you can leave on the spot; if you have to go looking for your keys, it gives him a chance to stop you. And he will.
Re: Sex & Resentment 
