Is it possible that I've caused this by doing the things he asked in the first place? Even if I didn't want to? He tells me he is HAPPY?! How can he be happy but tell me I don't care about his needs, I'm taking things he likes from him just to "show him" I can, that he's down because he can't get anything to go his way, if only I still liked sex with him he'd have it made, that I don't have to and I don't worry about it because that's just the way it is, on and on and on.............
Yes, and no. You didn't CAUSE him to be a selfish a$$hole. But you led him to believe that you would give him everything he wants.
You have no boundaries. Just the way he likes it. Over the years, he has pushed and pushed and pushed on your boundaries and you - like most women - have given in to keep the peace, to keep him happy, to get over your guilt at not being superwoman. And now...you SHOULD be all about him.
My DH was the exact same way because I never said no. We did what he wanted, went where he wanted to go, did 'it' whenever he wanted...I lost all my friends, my family, my sanity because I became his 'savior' - the one person who could 'fix' him and constantly attend to his needs to keep him happy. In the meantime, however, I disappeared. And nearly ended up dead becaues of it.
When I was going to therapy awhile back, my ONLY homework was to tell my DH that I was going to take a couple hours off on a Saturday and just go do something by myself. I could never do it! I tried for over a year and never got the courage. Why? Because in 25 years, any time I tried that, I was met with 'Fine! Just go off and be selfish! I'll just be here doing all the work that has to be done while you're off gallivanting around having fun! But who cares?! YOU sure don't!'
Stuff like that. It taught me to give up my identity, to keep from hearing such crap.
Over the last few years, with the help of these forums, I've learned how to start stepping back, to say 'no, I DON'T want to go with you to the hardware store.' Something as simple as that and it terrified
me to say it!
But I did, I forced myself to start asking myself 'what would I like to be doing?' and then start doing it.
It's a slow process, but it makes a huge difference. Now he ASKS me if I want to go with him. Now he doesn't make a fuss if I say no. Now, he actually cooks dinner if he occasionally gets home before I do. He picks up (a little). He folds towels. He rarely gets angry any more.
All because I started standing up for myself.