Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
We've been married over 20 years, 2 teenage children and still attracted to each other. The problem is he isn't happy or content with having sex 4 or 5 times a week. He expects more & extreme. He wants me to do the things he watches in porn on a regular basis or we fight. I've done some things I'm not really comfortable with & painful things to try and keep him satisfied. Now if I'm not doing those things regularly (but still having sex)he tells me I'm selfish, don't care how he feels, sex isn't important to me, etc. Eventually I give in and do what he wants whether I like it or not and I'm starting to really resent him for it. I'm also getting to the point where I don't even want to have sex--even if it isn't extreme because I feel like he'll still complain. I don't want to lose him or break up our family but I don't know how long I'll be able to live like this. He makes it sound like he does without and is mistreated!
he is not content with 5 times a week? Seriously he needs to come on this board and read some of the mens threads then he will realise just how good he has got it!!
Are you married to someone who posts on this board, per chance? There is a poster here who seems unable or unwilling to understand the damage he is causing by constantly haranguing his wife for more and more extreme sex.
There is a bunch of stuff here to understand. This is a pretty sticky issue.
Issue one. It is YOUR body, and I don't blame you one bit for resenting him for insisting on painful things. It will only get worse if you continue to cave in and do the extreme things he wants. So, step one limit setting. Say no, and ride the ride. Enforce that limit to the end. Maybe some day when trust has been restored, you can explore those uncomfortable things and learn to do them with comfort. But for now, resentment is not what you need to get comfy with these things, if you even want to.
Two you need understand something about men and sex. This has absolutely nothing to do with requiring you to do things you are uncomfortable with. Sex, desire and love are connected. It is important to UNDERSTAND that in the absence of genuine desire, men tend to feel unloved. Now he is killing your desire, so for the time being just UNDERSTAND that and do nothing with the understanding.
I would VERY STRONGLY recommend marriage counseling.
And Marcopoly if you are reading this, if this is not your wife, this is very likely how she feels. She is trying to love you. And you are complaining...
Both of you, whether you are married to each other or just sharing opposite sides of the same issue, GET INTO MARRIAGE COUNSELING.
Are you kidding me? There are people on here who have little to no sex life and are lucky or even happy for that matter to get it when they can. So he wants it more and to the extreme just like in porn, well isn't that something!
HE sounds selfish not you. You're actually doing some of the things he has wanted you to do to please him but yet its just not good enough.
I will say this, NEVER do something you are not comfortable with. I'm sure you are or have to please him, but you know what, obviously it isn't working because it sounds like its not good enough for him. Its one thing to do something for someone you love, if you don't care for it but that person loves and appreciates you, but it doesn't sound like he does. He has to keep having more and more and to the extreme to satisfy what he thinks he wants and needs. I suggest MC ASAP if he wont go, you go.
Are you kidding me? There are people on here who have little to no sex life and are lucky or even happy for that matter to get it when they can. So he wants it more and to the extreme just like in porn, well isn't that something!
HE sounds selfish not you. You're actually doing some of the things he has wanted you to do to please him but yet its just not good enough.
I will say this, NEVER do something you are not comfortable with. I'm sure you are or have to please him, but you know what, obviously it isn't working because it sounds like its not good enough for him. Its one thing to do something for someone you love, if you don't care for it but that person loves and appreciates you, but it doesn't sound like he does. He has to keep having more and more and to the extreme to satisfy what he thinks he wants and needs. I suggest MC ASAP if he wont go, you go.
So he wants it more and to the extreme like in the porn movies?
Ok, here is what you do. Tell him you have watched some porn too! Slap the crap out of him and tell him that's how the porn video starts off, then ask him if there are any questions before you proceed with the rest.
OK, I know I know not helpful, was just trying to lighten things a bit. I do apologize. The intent for you to slap him was because he is acting like an idiot! I'm not really suggesting you do that, of course unless you want too.
Anyway, I also agree with looking into some counseling as well. Even from a guy, I have watched my share of porn, but I would never suggest my wife to do something she wasn't comfortable with.
Trey, you may have hit on it! She takes out the biggest strap on she can find and tells him that the movie she watched showed a guy taking it without any lube!
Trey, you may have hit on it! She takes out the biggest strap on she can find and tells him that the movie she watched showed a guy taking it without any lube!
BINGO!
rut roh, just thought about the possibility of him liking it! Whoa! Well now that wouldn't be productive.
To the OP how do you think he would feel or what would he do if you were to really voice how you feel about all of this to him? Would he get mad? Shut down? What would he do?
I also read your other post on "husbands focus!" I'm sorry but I thought this post was bad, the other one is too. I dislike the situation you're in all the way around. I suggest MC and maybe even family counseling ASAP! I do mean ASAP.
he is being selfish and not taking your feelings into consideration. no loving partner should ever try to force or coerce their partner into doing things they dont want to do, ever.
We've actually been to counseling but I think we're way past that. He managed to convince the counselor he's not asking for much. Bad situation all around is how I'm feeling....he's always angry around the kids, the more he demands extreme sex the less I want to have ANY SEX which leads to an even bigger fight. Maybe it's my fault for doing some of those things for him in the first place.....now he expects them or I'm depriving him. This argument is never-ending battle...his response is "just do what I'm asking you to and it won't be a battle."
"This argument is never-ending battle...his response is "just do what I'm asking you to and it won't be a battle."
And it will more than likely be a never ending battle until either, he gets some serious help and does a complete change, or you leave.
His response is typical of someone who wants THEIR way. He isn't thinking about your wants, needs or feelings at all! His anger is a problem as well. BUT, if this is how you choose to live and how you choose for your kids to live and have them learn this, then I dunno what else to say.
That's just it--I don't want to live this way or for my kids to live this way. I just don't know how to fix it I don't know what to say or do to make him realize He tells me I'm not thinking about his wants, needs and feelings at all because it doesn't matter to me. Then in the next breath tells me it's just something he likes but doesn't have to have and I blow it all out of proportion. I want to make it better I just need help.
I could not live like that, he would have a lump on his head and, a$$ would be out the door, nor would I continue to subject my kids to that kind of anger or myself to that kind of demanding mess, but that's just me.
So you've been to counseling and he has them fooled by making it come across as he isn't asking for much. So whats your next move then? Maybe you could try IC for yourself. You need some counseling just you, so you can tell your side, since he had another counselor convinced, then maybe they can help you more.
It almost comes across as he has broken you down. He has you where he wants you. Completely dependent on him, so you will feel like crap if you don't do what he asks of you because its what HE wants. I'm tellin ya, if you had more self esteem, I bet you wouldn't put up with this mess.
Sex & Resentment 
