Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Lumpy-- I know how touch deprived I feel when away from my W for any significant time...have you/her read 5 Love Languages? It does a good job of explaining those who need touch as a sign of love...it might help her understand your needs better
Methinks she has some hangups from her Catholic background. We attended her church when we dated and got married there, though we attend another denomination now.
Hope this isn't TMI, but our sex life, even before we married, was staiight vanilla.
If I try to do oral on her (I don't have to have it on me, it's just something I enjoyed giving when I was single...), she resists and I don't want her to "shut down" for the rest of the event, so I don't press her...
Another hangup: she doesn't like it when I come to bed without any shorts.
I sometimes do that (1) bec. I should feel comfortable naked with her and (2) I kinda want her to see me that way and hope it will spark her to "initiate" or be more interested...
She's also very tired, often when she isn't stressed-out over working.
Talked her into seeing a gynecologist, and she has another visit scheduled. Hopefully, something will come out of that.
She's in her early 50s... I'm a few years younger...
Think I've been patient, cuddling with her every night but not always pressing for intimacy.
It's hard not to let my hands wander, but I get the same reaction.
Have consciously tried to stop, but it's hard. May go a day or two not trying to touch her but then it's back to the old habits.
She did notice the change of me not having wandering hands, so that's good.
We are doing a lot of cuddling. Almost every night.
We tell each other how much we love each other frequently in the cuddling, and I'm saying how I love her more often throughout the day.
Methinks it's something physically wrong with her. She has an appt. with a gynecologist soon.
An update (Sept. 2011):
Have ratched it up to almost once a week for the past couple of months.... on a certain weeknight, we have seemed to ML, which is okay. maybe less, maybe more, dunno. It's hard to remember. But I want more.
Am hungry, dogwamit!!
Am getting tired (and sore) from all this MB'ing...
With all I'm going through, still am having more sex than when I was single.
2X through all my 20s and maybe 3X in HS....
So maybe can look at it from that view....
Posted this in another thread but want to post here as not everyone has read that thread.
********** An update:
Sex is painful to her.
Learned about lubes so bought some, which we use.
However, sex remains painful and it doesn't seem like she enjoys it.
Take one time last month. I was trying to prolong things (used to be "5 min. man').
As she seemed like she wasn't enjoying it, asked if I should accelerate things.
Made me withdraw and she acted like my semen was "icky..." and was afraid of the "mess."
So clearly, I need to get her to a marriage therapist with sexual therapy skills.
Sorry if this is TMI.... but trying to present a view of what's going on.
When we started having sex 4 mos. into our relationship, we went straight to PIV, no OS or other "sex play" or "everything...but" I had in my late 20s...
....the kind of things I enjoyed, taking it slow, doing exploring, etc.
Appetizers, not straight to the main course.
Have suggested many times how she could "fulfill" me in other ways. However, she's never taken me up on that offer and seems uninterested.
Maybe she fears I'd expect PIV after such "sex play."
Want to do that stuff of course, and honestly would be content getting my release in other ways. Just want the PIV weekly, if possible.
The closest I've gotten to non-PIV acts is outercourse.
I loooooove that and it drives me crazy with new sensations have rarely experienced.
Didn't ask. Just started doing that.
Have attempted oral on her as well, starting to kiss her down there.
Didn't "ask," just proceeded.
But she blocks me.
Update: Dec. 2011 I am actively trying to change things.
Takes time though and we have plans with friends this weekend plus some other non-romantic things going on which I won't go into.
This started a long time ago and won't be solved overnight.
Started this thread on another board fall of 2010, so it's been a year.
And no, I'm not considering leaving, though at the time I started this thread, it was something I thought about.
May feel real romantic, and in a loving mood, and may want to try some things one night but she comes home from work angry about something.
Or finds some fault with me over a little thing.
I get tense and easily lose my temper
(wonder why?) and an argument ensues, so no romance that night.
Not that it would be successful beyond cuddling...
It takes small steps.
Believe me, I am trying things.
Updated Jan. 2012: Methinks she has a lot of hangups with sex.
She wasn't a virgin when we met. She only had one partner years before me, a guy who later became a fiance but it ended.
She won't let me try oral on her and won't give me oral.
She did begin caressing me (lightly) the other night, so there is hope. It seems she's listening to me when I tell her she can caress me and I won't immediately deflect her.
She seems repulsed by my semen.
After we last ML, some if it leaked out of her onto the sheets. She seemed freaked-out about it.
Was kinda jarring like there was something wrong with that.
She did see a physician but now thinks she needs to see a specialist like a gynecologist.
She had some appointments but bec. of work and all, wasn't able to get the follow-up.
Circumstances are changing and am trying to get her to make that appointment.
If the other night is an indication (she had her hands all over me), am hoping for a great Valentines Day.
After a romantic weekend together in a resort city last month, we got closer on the return drive and later that night, she was receptive to my overtures.
She didn't even need lubrication, as she has in the past.
It was, however, after a long period of foreplay, which was fine as I enjoy that of course.
Even more significant, she began to "touch" and caress me. This is something I've recently began suggesting she do as a "substitute" for times we (she) can't do PIV.
She's only done that a couple of times in our entire marriage, and this time, it didn't take any prompting from me. So was a pleasant surprise for sure.
Noticed her body's response and just proceeded. Got no resistance.
She's called to schedule a follow-up visit to the physician/ gynecologist she saw earlier.
Have been trying to get her to do that, as I really want to return to a sexual relationship with her.
I am patient, and feel I've waited a long time.
Was out of town for one week and part of the next week, so when I returned one night, held and cuddled her.
She still deflects me when I try to caress her, but I'm trying to resist going for her chest but it's very hard to do.
And I tell her as a woman, even a Christian woman, she should understand what us guys are like and how we are enchanted in the presence of a woman....
We cuddled all night, fell asleep in each others arms in bed, and I awoke and we began holding each other again.
So I think there's attraction to me ---
I've asked her, "Are you sexually attracted to me?..."
----- and I'm certain she loves me, but I just gotta get her sexually interested...
So hopefully that doctor visit will help.
Am trying to ramp it up to weekends (at least), and have told her I need that...
Could go with every other weekend, maybe 2-3X a month, but clearly, I want more... God, I need that....
But it takes time, for why I have no idea as I'm a good-looking guy who tries to treat her well...
We (almost) ML the other night.
I've been much more affectionate, and trying to hold-off touching her.
After cuddling, she didn't resist my advances.
I, however, ended it prematurely as it was a very late hour (past 11 p.m.) and she needed rest bec. of being a work night.
Told her I could stop the caressing and kissing (her shirt off) any time..... and would be happy with that as I respect her and am truly more interested in her personal needs like sleep.
She told me she'd tell me when it was enough.
Fell asleep in each others' arms.
She doesn't like me to take off my underwear until "the right time."
Told her: "See !! I'm a normal guy !!!"
So am trying to get her to "loosen up" on that kind of thing as well as there shouldn't be anything wrong with a husband wanting to remove his underwear during passionate cuddling...
Yes, I "get" this isn't "the optimum" and I truly want so much more.
Am working on that.
She has a gynecologist appt. next month..... That's something I've long asked her to get...
Update... some frustrations Feb. 19: We are doing better, but it's slow.
We ML once in Jan. after a romantic weekend.
Then, ALMOST ML this month (Feb.).
Once two weeks ago and Valentine's Day eve.
The other night, I got VERY CLOSE, caressing and kissing her and farther.
As she had an early morning ahead, and I didn't want to "work her up" or "wear her out" as ML sometimes does to her.
So like a "gentleman," told her I would stop it here.
It was getting late.
Did the same thing Valentine's Day eve.
But.... I don't get any "acknowledgement" on that.
I tried to ML with her this past week and last night.
She's tired, falls asleep, we get at the cuddling and caressing too late in the eve., so I'm out of luck.
I express my frustration and say "Look, there's no other nights for us unless Fri. and Sat., as other nights are work nights. I HAVE to have a sexual relationship with you...."
Told her "Look.. I forgo'd going inside you, like I really wanted.
I was ready, willing and able, started-up and everything... but for you, gave it up...."
No More Mr. Nice Guy...
If we get to the heavier but not PIV stuff, I'm not going to be a "gentleman" anymore.
Not going to suggest that we stop anymore.
It's clearly getting me nowhere.
I'm going to proceed ---- and not worry so much about her "feelings" or "comfort" (the late hour) as I have needs and they're not being reciprocated,
"Reciprocated" meaning her saying something like, "Clarence... I love you and know you want to ML with me, but as it's late, I appreciate you deferring.
I will try to make it up to you this weekend...."
Imagine that's how some husbands (even Christian husbands) treat their wives at that stage...
Am curious if the guys "just proceed" after that lightly sexual (but not PIV) stage?
Am not talking about rape or forcible sex, but doing what a man should do, like some posters advise guys to do (be a more "alpha male").
The other afternoon, cuddling on the couch, I was wearing only a shirt and underwear, as had done some house cleaning.
Was noticeably aroused.
Tried to ***gently**** show and tell her that it's "okay" and not immoral for her to caress me.
She didn't caress me, but didn't throw a scene.
Told her many couples "explore" and I "wouldn't think less of this modest Christian woman for doing this...."
Am trying to get her used to doing light sexual thingslike that.
Told her a man is as sensitive as a woman's breasts, and would really please me if she pleased me just by some touching....
Maybe the lighter stuff may have been better on both our consciences (as Christians) rather than going straight for PIV, starving as I was @30....