Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
People do things that they regret later. Many people wish that time could go back and they could have done it differently. Well, for the ones who have changed, great! Congratulations!!!How about the ones who are still denying their husbands for sex?
Will they be smart enough to say to themselves: From now on, no matter I want to or I don't want to, I am going to let my husband have sex with me.
Just think, he needs sex, if you don't want to have sex with him, he will have to find other methods to solve his needs. It is like he has to eat, if there is no food at home, he has to go out to eat.
Ref that comment - well my answer to that would be no matter what I do or don't want to do I'm going to do it?? I firmly believe it has to be because you want to - and if arguments, stress, friction, whatever, is in the way and you can't work your way through it and your closeness isn't there as a result, why would you want to?
Quote:
Originally Posted by mary35
Catherine,
(SNIP). It is a vicious cycle we women create for ourselves. We withdraw the one thing that can actually make our husbands emotionally connect with us, then they in turn withdraw things that are important to us. We deny sex more, they withdraw emotionally more. On and on it goes. Someone has to break the cycle to stop the unhappiness. You should be proud that you were the one to do it in your marriage. Now you get to reap the benefits.
)
--- and I'm on the cusp of trying this, even despite my own reservations about what I said above!
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenpearl
In my opinion, wives have to enjoy sex, if they love the feeling and orgasms of sex, I doubt that they won't want to have more sex.
Men want sex because men can cum easily, how about those wives, I don't know if they can cum and enjoy each time.
I was thinking yesterday, if men just lie there, don't do any thrusting, how many wives can make their men cum? My husband and I have been together for about 8 years, I made him cum tiwce, I think, just by my work. They can cum because they are active during sex activity. If men can't cum, will they enjoy sex this much and want it so often?
I read an article, don't rely on the other one for your sex pleasure. I think this is talking about women. Let's find out our sensitive spot, let's work on it, let's be more active, let's do more f**king, let's enjoy sex and orgasms. And men, don't be intimidated that your wives want to f**k you!
Sex is a wonderful thing, it is a unique amazing feeling human body enjoys, I am surprised than so many people don't want it!
Yes yes yes he can and I can make it happen (not lately, part of same issue in this thread ) but yes all the same
In my opinion, wives have to enjoy sex, if they love the feeling and orgasms of sex, I doubt that they won't want to have more sex.
I know this SHOULD be true, but it simply wasn't for me. I ALWAYS had on orgasm - every single encounter, if he went before me, I would even get mad & make him do it again shorty after ! There was no doubt I LOVED those orgasms- I wanted mine feircely. I remember thinking to myself during the act 'OH MY God does this FEEL GOOOOOOOOOD, there is not a feeling on earth to compare" - I even said that a few times to him -in the dark, under the sheets, in our quietness.
But still when it was over, I had this insane belief that I was "good" for another week, or so many days. Unless in the meantime I was reading a hot & heavy romance Novel, he started working on me -even if I didn't show much interest (He didn't do that enough), or we was watching an erotic movie that aroused my mood.
I simply had my mind on every other thing in life!! Kids, house, projects, church , reading, friends. But boy when I started to feel I wanted it, I was all over him. But still, this took DAYS.
I realized when I came to TAM, mostly through MEM's many postings that men & women , if they just allow themselves to be available to be aroused, they will be!! I needed to be more
"RECEPTIVE" if my husband gave me ANY HINT he was in the mood. He is NOT one to pursue if he felt the slightest reluctance on my part. And I do mean "slightest" !! Never once did we have a fight about this or a "sit down talk".
I NEVER felt a sting of resentment towards my husband my entire marraige, but unfortunetly he did start feeling it towards me, building to where he just about quit trying, and I never knew any of this was going on under the surface. He was just more grouchy towards the kids, never me, as hard as this is to believe.
When I learned of this , I was VERY VERY upset that he never talked to me about it, I cried many times, grieving what I feel we "missed". I can not relate to any of these women who say their husband's badgered them for sex, this is utterly foreign to me. With us, I even took matters into my own hands in the middle of the night on occasion -feeling he might not want to be woke up -because he never showed that Aggressive -got to have it now "desire" but hid it & pushed it down.
From our experience, MEN NEED TO TALK to their wives about their feelings in this (If mine would have done this -I swear we would not have wasted so many years -he was too quiet, respectful & sacrificial).... and Wifes need to be willing & Receptive to their advances when they desire to make love.
This will avoid many growing resentments in marraige.
He knows what a Book worm I have been my entire life, If he would have just bought me a book to help me open my mind, loose some of my repression, I think it would have changed our world- but I will never know. Live & learn.
For me it was about my resentment, he had some towards me as well. Once that got resolved, and yes its been a slow road, things got better in the sex department. I think that's a big sex/marriage killer. Until its worked on or gone, there wont be much sex. Yes, many people force themselves to have it whether they want to or not. I wasn't one of those people neither was my husband. Thankfully with lots of work and dedication we are getting things back on track.
I have always enjoyed sex, physical touch is my love language. And I love men.
I think the main reason I left my ex was he wasn't romantic in bed for me. I liked all the passionate kissing and rolling around, he was a conservative man and he only did the basic stuff.
I am not like others, they still stay and try hard to work out their marriages, I didn't have the patience to wait for a man to change. I told him I wanted to divorce, he told me that he would do everything, but when my feeling was gone, it was gone. When I tell people the relationship is over, I mean it is over. Have to give other people credit for trying!
Now with my husband, he is just ideal for me. Emotionally I feel secure and loved, sexually I am very satisfied. Have to consider myself lucky for finding him.
Sex is so important to me that I actually make it a routine. We are still young, I want to enjoy sex as much as I can.
I have always enjoyed sex, physical touch is my love language. And I love men. .
The craziest thing about me is -My primary Love Language IS physical touch too! Even then, I wanted my back scratched every single night, he would run his fingers through my hair for hrs watching tv, I loved when he ran his finges up & down the inside of my arms, I craved these things ! But then, mindless as it was, when we went to bed, I always had one of the babies inbetween us, I cuddled & kissed them all night. And he never said anything! If I was him , I would have raised the freaking roof. I can not relate to my husband's passivity at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenpearl
I think the main reason I left my ex was he wasn't romantic in bed for me. I liked all the passionate kissing and rolling around, he was a conservative man and he only did the basic stuff.
My husband was only into the basic stuff too. Lots of kissing, no rolling around. I feel if he has been more relentlessly erotic & creative in bed, I would have "opened up" sexually much much earlier in our marraige. I believe the potential was ALWAYS there -he just didn't know how to bring it out of me. We both sucked basically - no experience. He admits to being sexually repressed as well.
He would have been satisfied with 1 postion (cowgirl) till his death, never suggesting anything else. For 19 yrs, all we did was Missionary & Cowgirl. Period. He did go down on me, I give him credit for that, but pretty vanilla for sure.
Having a man who has a lustful creative mind & knows how to bring this to the bedroom, showing his woman new & exciting things, much lavishing, with some erotic flirting to boot, now that is what us women need! Ha ha
The craziest thing about me is -My primary Love Language IS physical touch too! Even then, I wanted my back scratched every single night, he would run his fingers through my hair for hrs watching tv, I loved when he ran his finges up & down the inside of my arms, I craved these things ! But then, mindless as it was, when we went to bed, I always had one of the babies inbetween us, I cuddled & kissed them all night. And he never said anything! If I was him , I would have raised the freaking roof. I can not relate to my husband's passivity at all.
My husband was only into the basic stuff too. Lots of kissing, no rolling around. I feel if he has been more relentlessly erotic & creative in bed, I would have "opened up" sexually much much earlier in our marraige. I believe the potential was ALWAYS there -he just didn't know how to bring it out of me. We both sucked basically - no experience. He admits to being sexually repressed as well.
He would have been satisfied with 1 postion (cowgirl) till his death, never suggesting anything else. For 19 yrs, all we did was Missionary & Cowgirl. Period. He did go down on me, I give him credit for that, but pretty vanilla for sure.
Having a man who has a lustful creative mind & knows how to bring this to the bedroom, showing his woman new & exciting things, much lavishing, with some erotic flirting to boot, now that is what us women need! Ha ha
I think maybe at that time you were so excited about being able to have babies, your baby was your priority! Many mothers are like this! Your children will have fond of memories of sleeping in your arms! Don't know if they will remember that. I always remember sleeping in my mom's arms, it is a wonderful memory for me to have now.
With my ex, there was even no kissing after wards, it wasn't that he didn't care about me, sex became boring after the first couple of passionate years, can't blame him, he wasn't a romantic man. Talking about him is no fun!
I don't know how many men there really know how to arouse a woman. They want horny wives, are they sexually skilled men? Poor marcopoly is creative, but he is with a conservative wife.
Life is interesting, people who match don't come together, and you see so many mismatches here!
I don't know how many men there really know how to arouse a woman. They want horny wives, are they sexually skilled men?
The problem is that in the beginning, it doesn't take much to arouse her. The man didn't have to be skilled. But over time she gets bored and doesn't tell her husband why. She doesn't explain that the woman she used to be is not who she is now. And the man is left feeling hurt and rejected because he's doing all the stuff that used to turn her on but getting nowhere.
I pity anyone who does not know the joy of healthy, happy fun sex!! I can't imagine denying MYSELF that pleasure. When I have tried to deny "him" I always falter simply because I enjoy the physical pleasure! It doesn't hurt that I know it also does good things for his sake (wish the he's in my life had thought to return the good things but hey...)
I wish there was a way to get this understanding spread throughout the civilization. I really do think that it is the key to world peace, no kidding. There would be SO much less frustration and pent up anger/resentment if we just truly understood and then loved each other, not the way we need to be loved, but the way our partner needs to be loved by us.
Maybe every woman needs to have a high dose of Testosterone for one month and men need to go through one monthly cycle of the emotional roller coaster for each other to truly understand.
I know it has been said a few times but it is so very true with men, if I am having frequent, passionate sex with my wife, my emotions flow like Niagra Falls...and it feels awesome to let myself feel that, maybe even more than women enjoy their emotions. It may be comparable to a womans ability to physically enjoy sex more than a man when they are fully sexually confident and free.
However, take away the sex and I avoid my emotions, and my wife, like the Plague. It just HURTS WAY TOO MUCH! Feeling numb is 100x better in that situation.
Posted via Mobile Device
Exactly. And it can make you bitter to hear all of these women finally discover the rage of testosterone late in life, finally understand what we've been going through relentlessly since the age of 12 . . . and it never goes away in our adult life. If I had waited to act until my wife got her testosterone upsurge, I doubt we'd be together now. Luckily, she's a highly intelligent open-minded woman who has an intuitive understanding of male psychology. We have a great relationship. But if the sex stopped . . . well, our relationship wouldn't be nearly as great.
The problem is that in the beginning, it doesn't take much to arouse her. The man didn't have to be skilled. But over time she gets bored and doesn't tell her husband why. She doesn't explain that the woman she used to be is not who she is now. And the man is left feeling hurt and rejected because he's doing all the stuff that used to turn her on but getting nowhere.
Is it any wonder he's feeling lost and confused?
For that part, I agree!
At the beginning of people's relationship, they are infatuated with each other, they have all the passion and chemistry going, when they see each other, it is like fire starts burning right away, two bodies jump on each other. I remember when I first started dating my husband, I was looking forward to seeing him at the door and jumping to bed right away.
Then after a few years, things changed. I remember telling my husband that I didn't find our sex exciting anymore. He told me I was full of bullsh*T. But he managed to get me out of that dull period, I can't remember what he did. Anyway, the dull feeling didn't last long for me.
I just thought of something as I was typing here. I met him when I was 30, we fell in love, we got married. Let's say the infatuation stage is four years, I was 34 when I started feeling our sex was not exciting anymore. But then my body reached maturity shortly after wards, I mean I reached my sex peak. When women's sex drive reaches their peak, I think their sexual desire is like men's, want sex all the time, so they don't have issues with sex being exciting or not. That's me now. Now I just need sex, I just need a hard cok, I just need orgasms, being able to have strong orgasms everyday is a great feeling.
It is only my personal experience and feeling, I don't know anything about others!
I agree with GP in that a woman's drive has peeks and valleys. I must be the weird one of the bunch in that I never really had a valley. Sadly, I have been told that I need a hysterectomy and I have been putting that off for a few years. I don't want the valley that comes with that.
Not to generalize too much, but alot of the reasons why a woman doesn't want sex isn't because she lacks a sex drive. It is because she is resentful as all get out at her husband for things he does/doesn't do outside the bedroom. As Ian Ironwood put it so well "she uses sex as a weapon" and there is some truth to that. She doesn't feel sexual if her husband behaves like a man child and she certainly will not want to have sex with somebody she does not view as her equal or above. While this may not be the case for all women, it seems to be for most. A happy wife who feels her needs outside the bedroom are met will gladly meet all her husbands needs in the bedroom.
It isn't that she isn't sexual, it is that she doesn't want to be sexual with her husband for whatever reason. Get to the bottom of that reason and her legs will stay open like 7-11.
Brennan, I agree, and I will go a step deeper. In some cases the real loss in sexual interest a wife has for her husband probably has more to do with lack of RESPECT. While this leads to resentment it does not have to. I would say that a healthy mix of sexless marriages are actually with husbands who are doing everything in there power to get that desire back doing the things HE THINKS she needs. He loses his backbone and independence in the process and becomes the man child. This breads a huge lack of respect, which in turn decreases sexual desire in him. Unfortunately the guy has no idea that what he is trying so hard to fix, he is actually making it worse.
A woman generally starts a relationships with a high level of respect, mainly because that is what draws her to him. Once the man gets all the wild sex he wants in the beginning, his emotions run wild and he will lose himself to her in the process, while all this time he thinks that is what she wants.
This is all fixed getting both people in the relationship back to where they were in the beginning. Two independent people who respected each other AND themselves. Posted via Mobile Device
Brennan, I agree, and I will go a step deeper. In some cases the real loss in sexual interest a wife has for her husband probably has more to do with lack of RESPECT. While this leads to resentment it does not have to. I would say that a healthy mix of sexless marriages are actually with husbands who are doing everything in there power to get that desire back doing the things HE THINKS she needs. He loses his backbone and independence in the process and becomes the man child. This breads a huge lack of respect, which in turn decreases sexual desire in him. Unfortunately the guy has no idea that what he is trying so hard to fix, he is actually making it worse.
A woman generally starts a relationships with a high level of respect, mainly because that is what draws her to him. Once the man gets all the wild sex he wants in the beginning, his emotions run wild and he will lose himself to her in the process, while all this time he thinks that is what she wants.
This is all fixed getting both people in the relationship back to where they were in the beginning. Two independent people who respected each other AND themselves. Posted via Mobile Device
Bingo!!! You loose respect, you loose sex. The worst and I mean the WORST period of our marriage was when my husband and I were at his company function (this was years ago) and his woman hating co-worker came up to us with his wife and started talking about politics, religion and gays. Yup, the trifecta of stupid crap you could talk about at a company function. He rambled on and on and I finally stepped in and spoke my peace. He looked at my husband and said "Your wife is an idiot, so sorry you have to live with her. Next time when she goes off like that, just grab her tits so she knows her place". Me? I wanted to knock his teeth down his throat. My husband? He just said "Oh, Larry, sorry you feel that way".
Loss of respect IMMEDIATE and I didn't want sex with him for 2 months.
He could have been a man and stood up for me (because he holds the same values as me) but he chose not to. Conflict avoider. What did he get in return? A wife who questioned her marriage, his ability to take care of me and have my better interest at heart and a woman who was now so turned off by him I viewed him as a loser.
Sex for a woman isn't about the moves he does in the bedroom, it is about the moves he does outside.
If that happened to me, I would just go home and tell him what he did made me upset, I would let him know it bothered me!
I think I don't resent any men for long term.
If I didn't like them , found out they were not the kind of men I was interested, I just left them. This happened during my man searching period.
With my ex, I didn't resent him. I was disappointed with him, but never resented him.
With my husband, he doesn't even disappoint me, I am quite content with what he is giving me.
I couldn't hold any grudge for too long, when I was upset, I was upset, I screamed, I yelled, I let my feeling show! They can read me inside out.
Now I am in control of my temper, I seldom get upset now. What people say doesn't affect me much any more. What they say might be unpleasant, I don't like it, but I just shrug it off, and focus on something else.
Re: The reason wives won't have sex 
) but yes all the same
