The reason wives won't have sex
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-19-2011, 06:29 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default The reason wives won't have sex

After reading most of the threads about this topic and the different theories. I think the reason wives won't have sex can be summed up in four words. They don't WANT to!

Basically we as humans do what we WANT to do!
There are various motivations for wanting to do something, but it basically comes down to two things. Either we want to do something because it provides a BENEFIT or we we want to do something so that we don't have to receive a CONSEQUENCE for not doing it.

The theories that are floating around on this site about how to get the wife to be more cooperative are basically saying the same thing. They are telling the husband he either needs to provide a benefit strong enough to make her want to have sex or give her a consequence strong enough for not doing it that will make her want to do it instead of receiving the consequence.

If the wife can not be motivated to WANT to have sex then the husband has to make some choices - accept things as they are and deal with it (in whatever manner he can) or get out of the marriage.

It is really quite simple in theory. Not so easy in practice.

I am ashamed to say I was a wife who, for over 25 years, more often then not denied sex to my husband. I had excuse after excuse, but the bottom line was, I just did not want to have sex with him. Pleasing him and providing him pleasure, orgasms, or other benefits were just not strong enough to make me want to do it. And, I was more willing to accept the consequences of having a distant, angry husband then to have sex with him.

I see things differently now! I have come to realize the benefits of having a happy healthy sex life - both for me and my husband physically and emotionally. And I no longer deal with the consequences of a distant, angry husband. Our marriage is still far from perfect, but oh so so much better. In fact it is so good in many ways. Hind site allows me to see the pain and anguish I caused my husband, not to mention the pleasure I could have had if I had only allowed myself to let go and feel it.

So many wasted years and so many regrets! But, thankfully, years ahead to make up for it!
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Old 02-19-2011, 07:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: The reason wives won't have sex

Mary, great and simple way of thinking about it. So what was the trick that turned the tide in your relationship?
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Old 02-19-2011, 08:00 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: The reason wives won't have sex

have you told him? what has been his response, etc.?
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Old 02-19-2011, 09:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: The reason wives won't have sex

Hubby,

I would like to say I saw the light - but the truth is I had a sexual awakening caused probably by changes in my hormones - I am still not quite sure why. Usually women have this change in their early 40's. I was in my late 40's. When this happened I was horny and aroused most of the time. For the first time - I decided to let go of the "good girl syndrome" that had developed somewhere in my upbringing and explore my sexuality. Ere-go the BENEFIT at this time for me was sexual pleasure. For the first time in a long time sex felt good enough to out-weigh the negativity that I built in my head about it. Although it was quite confusing for my husband - who often asked "Who are you and what have you done with my wife?' - he was more than happy to enjoy it while it lasted. That was about 4 years ago.

Unfortunately and ironically, my hormones changed again because of menopause about a year and a half later and I started having problems with my body responding the way it should. I found myself what I call brain horny, because I had discovered I really really liked sex and thought about it all the time (still do), but my body had a hard time getting physically aroused and I had diminished ability to reach orgasms.

At this time it would have been very easy to just go back to the way I was for the 25 years before my awakening. However, I had experienced a different benefit from the year and a half of sexual exploration with my husband. I found that we had a happier and healthier marriage and I had a much more content and attentive husband. I didn't want to loose that (a consequence) so i worked really hard, researching everything I could to keep our sexual life alive. Around the same time my husband also experienced some age related sexual problems that we had to work at overcoming too.

Our sexual life the last couple of years has been a work in progress, but something we have both been committed to keeping alive and thriving. With the help of bio-identical hormone therapy and changing our eating and exercise habits and also seeking the help of a sex therapist we are doing fairly well at keeping us both satisfied. I have learned that sex for me really is mostly in the brain (which throughout this time period has stayed constantly horny) The more we have sex the more I want it. The more I want it the more we do it. And the more we do it - the happier we are and the healthier our marriage is. And those are the benefits that make me WANT sex. A lot of it! lol

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Old 02-19-2011, 09:50 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: The reason wives won't have sex

Why be happy,

I am not sure what you are asking! "Told him" what?
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Old 02-19-2011, 10:10 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: The reason wives won't have sex

People do things that they regret later.

Many people wish that time could go back and they could have done it differently.

Well, for the ones who have changed, great! Congratulations!!!

How about the ones who are still denying their husbands for sex?

Will they be smart enough to say to themselves: From now on, no matter I want to or I don't want to, I am going to let my husband have sex with me.



Just think, he needs sex, if you don't want to have sex with him, he will have to find other methods to solve his needs. It is like he has to eat, if there is no food at home, he has to go out to eat.
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Old 02-19-2011, 10:38 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: The reason wives won't have sex

Ooh, your story and Catherine's really blow my mind. Both of you are very loving women and I like reading your points of view.
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Old 02-19-2011, 11:27 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: The reason wives won't have sex

Thanks D

Hi Mary I am so glad you posted. My story is similar to yours. We will be married 10 years this summer and things are going great now. I could not say the same 2 yes ago, I was ready to walk away from my marriage because I was exhausted and felt my husband did not help me enough. I avoided having sex with him during that period, we still had it but far far less that he can tolerate.

My epiphany came about from learning about men relationships and sexuality through research in an effort to save my family before giving up. I was shocked to learn that my rejection of my husband actually caused him emotional pain and depression. I love him even though we were troubled and I did not want him to be so deeply hurt. I asked him about the was he felt he confirmed that it hurt him deeply but he thought that I knew!

That was the beginning of our recovery, I showed him that of course I loved him in the way he needed to feel love and he was able to finally feel my exhaustion and need for his help. Now we are a team again. I wish other women would post about recovery, there are probably many avenues to solving the devastation of sexlessness, one is that the role of sex has to be emphasized, it not only simple fun and games with the one you love. for me I seem sometimes that i am able to directly transfer my emotions and needs to my husband and him to me.

I am so happy that you are enjoying each other and making each other happy. I hope more woman read and try to re-establish the connection with their spouse. I don't have an answer as to how to make that happen but maybe jut by reading some of these threads. BTW I am trying to get over my "good girl" uptightness, I have succeeded in areas where he takes the lead and i follow but but I can not seem to initiate sex. I wish I could, I know it would make him happy but I can't make myself do it.
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Old 02-20-2011, 05:59 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: The reason wives won't have sex

Catherine,

You are so right on. At least it didn't take you 25 years to figure out the importance of sex in a marriage. I applaud you! I too did not understand how my rejections affected my husband emotionally and how much it hurt him. I knew it made him mad and distant, but I thought he was just being selfish and demanding. I really did not see sex as a need for him. After all, I was fine without it. (or was I?) I can see now that neither of us was fine at all.

A happy, healthy, and frequent sex life has such a bonding effect between a husband and a wife. It has truly made such a difference in everything between my husband and I. We get along better, we communicate better about everything. And we are like newlyweds who can't keep our hands off of each other - a lot of PDA. Even our kids (who are all married now) comment on it.

For you - the CONSEQUENCE of your husband not helping you and your desire to leave the marriage was apparently strong enough to wake you up. You opened your eyes and in your research found the answer that made you WANT to have sex. It is a vicious cycle we women create for ourselves. We withdraw the one thing that can actually make our husbands emotionally connect with us, then they in turn withdraw things that are important to us. We deny sex more, they withdraw emotionally more. On and on it goes. Someone has to break the cycle to stop the unhappiness. You should be proud that you were the one to do it in your marriage. Now you get to reap the benefits.

The "good girl" syndrome is a hard head game to get rid of. It has such a strong hold on many of us. My advice is to just take it in baby steps and keep working at it. Think of one thing that you are willing to do. Maybe it's just to - one night come to bed in something really really sexy looking. Don't say anything or do anything, just show up looking really sexy and get into bed.

Here are a couple of books that were recommended to me that I also gave my daughter.

"Sheet Music" By: Dr. Kevin Leman
"And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment" by Laura M. Brotherson.

Dr. Brotherson specifically deals a lot with the "good girl" syndrome.

You are so far ahead in the game - just by figuring out how important sex is in your marriage. Keep it up! (Literally lol)
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Old 02-20-2011, 07:15 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by mary35 View Post
Catherine,

You are so right on. At least it didn't take you 25 years to figure out the importance of sex in a marriage. I applaud you! I too did not understand how my rejections affected my husband emotionally and how much it hurt him. I knew it made him mad and distant, but I thought he was just being selfish and demanding. I really did not see sex as a need for him. After all, I was fine without it. (or was I?) I can see now that neither of us was fine at all.

A happy, healthy, and frequent sex life has such a bonding effect between a husband and a wife. It has truly made such a difference in everything between my husband and I. We get along better, we communicate better about everything. And we are like newlyweds who can't keep our hands off of each other - a lot of PDA. Even our kids (who are all married now) comment on it.

For you - the CONSEQUENCE of your husband not helping you and your desire to leave the marriage was apparently strong enough to wake you up. You opened your eyes and in your research found the answer that made you WANT to have sex. It is a vicious cycle we women create for ourselves. We withdraw the one thing that can actually make our husbands emotionally connect with us, then they in turn withdraw things that are important to us. We deny sex more, they withdraw emotionally more. On and on it goes. Someone has to break the cycle to stop the unhappiness. You should be proud that you were the one to do it in your marriage. Now you get to reap the benefits.

The "good girl" syndrome is a hard head game to get rid of. It has such a strong hold on many of us. My advice is to just take it in baby steps and keep working at it. Think of one thing that you are willing to do. Maybe it's just to - one night come to bed in something really really sexy looking. Don't say anything or do anything, just show up looking really sexy and get into bed.

Here are a couple of books that were recommended to me that I also gave my daughter.

"Sheet Music" By: Dr. Kevin Leman
"And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment" by Laura M. Brotherson.

Dr. Brotherson specifically deals a lot with the "good girl" syndrome.

You are so far ahead in the game - just by figuring out how important sex is in your marriage. Keep it up! (Literally lol)

AMEN TO THAT....now add to that the fact that for those of us who have high sex drive and are passionate as individuals, then the hurt of a sexless or boring sex life is terrible....through healthy and exciting sex life, what you achieve is appriciation for your partner in life...appreciations for her beauty, her understanding of you, her letting it go all for you...her give herself to you completly.....that my friends to me, in my book is the full extent of a woman showing her love for her husband....really refreshing to read this post....i will save it in case i think my wife could benefit from readining it....we, however, are doing well at this moment...lots of love, sex, and friendship...so i feel happy and want to show it her everyday some how...,
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Old 02-20-2011, 08:29 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by mary35 View Post
I would like to say I saw the light - but the truth is I had a sexual awakening caused probably by changes in my hormones - I am still not quite sure why. Usually women have this change in their early 40's. I was in my late 40's. When this happened I was horny and aroused most of the time. For the first time - I decided to let go of the "good girl syndrome" that had developed somewhere in my upbringing and explore my sexuality.
The POWER of hormones, never underestimate their role in our behaviors & desires. I think when a us older women come into a rush of testosterone or heavenly mixture of sex hormones that does this, it compels us to seek out SEX, there is an Irresistible pull like a moth to a flame, just like a raging hormonal Teenage boy. It is natures way.

It took very little for me to loose my "Girl Good Syndrome" when I found myself literally "wet" 24 hours a day. Naughty thoughts were taking over my mind, I had a tremendous boost in energy, Flirting was my new language. I will never understand why this happened to me, doesn't appear to be much to explain it out there to read. But it was all goooooooood. Frustrating too , feeling I had a sex addiction & bothering the crap out of my husband for a time.


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Originally Posted by mary35 View Post
I have learned that sex for me really is mostly in the brain (which throughout this time period has stayed constantly horny) The more we have sex the more I want it. The more I want it the more we do it. And the more we do it - the happier we are and the healthier our marriage is. And those are the benefits that make me WANT sex. A lot of it! lol
Amen to this. I DO need aroused now, no longer ready to jump on him as soon as he hits the door .

But unlike before this awakening, I just "didn't get it", I used to be grouchier back then too!!! So good wives out there -hear us older wiser women......IF you find yourself irritable for not much reason, just grouchy at the drop of a hat, without growing resentment in your marriage, seriously, whether you realize it or not, you probably need LAID! More intimacy, more seduction, more playful flirting -be receptive of this heavenly bonding.

I often wished I could go back in time -to relive what we missed. Now that I have tasted of it, I WANT TO BE AROUSED , never want to loose that. (I will seek hormones out in menopause if this diminishes). We PURPOSELY arouse each other now - to keep the spark, the spice, the happiness ongoing.

The way I feel NOW , I believe , is the same as I did BEFORE my awakening, but clueless to the power of these things. So let us be a voice to you -if you are reading this.

Here is a fantastic thorough article about how SEX starts between the ears >>> Your Brain on Sex | Reuniting


Quote:
Originally Posted by mary35 View Post
A happy, healthy, and frequent sex life has such a bonding effect between a husband and a wife. It has truly made such a difference in everything between my husband and I. We get along better, we communicate better about everything. And we are like newlyweds who can't keep our hands off of each other - a lot of PDA. Even our kids (who are all married now) comment on it.
My kids have even walked past & told us to shut the door ! Ha ha
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Old 02-20-2011, 09:58 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I wish there was a way to get this understanding spread throughout the civilization. I really do think that it is the key to world peace, no kidding. There would be SO much less frustration and pent up anger/resentment if we just truly understood and then loved each other, not the way we need to be loved, but the way our partner needs to be loved by us.

Maybe every woman needs to have a high dose of Testosterone for one month and men need to go through one monthly cycle of the emotional roller coaster for each other to truly understand.

I know it has been said a few times but it is so very true with men, if I am having frequent, passionate sex with my wife, my emotions flow like Niagra Falls...and it feels awesome to let myself feel that, maybe even more than women enjoy their emotions. It may be comparable to a womans ability to physically enjoy sex more than a man when they are fully sexually confident and free.

However, take away the sex and I avoid my emotions, and my wife, like the Plague. It just HURTS WAY TOO MUCH! Feeling numb is 100x better in that situation.


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Old 02-20-2011, 04:09 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: The reason wives won't have sex

Mary summed it up perfectly. This site can be closed now!

Husbands should not have to wine and dine their wives every time they want to have sex. Its good on occasion to do that. But yes, they HAVE to WANT it.
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Old 02-20-2011, 05:09 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: The reason wives won't have sex

In my opinion, wives have to enjoy sex, if they love the feeling and orgasms of sex, I doubt that they won't want to have more sex.

Men want sex because men can cum easily, how about those wives, I don't know if they can cum and enjoy each time.

I was thinking yesterday, if men just lie there, don't do any thrusting, how many wives can make their men cum? My husband and I have been together for about 8 years, I made him cum tiwce, I think, just by my work. They can cum because they are active during sex activity. If men can't cum, will they enjoy sex this much and want it so often?

I read an article, don't rely on the other one for your sex pleasure. I think this is talking about women. Let's find out our sensitive spot, let's work on it, let's be more active, let's do more f**king, let's enjoy sex and orgasms. And men, don't be intimidated that your wives want to f**k you!

Sex is a wonderful thing, it is a unique amazing feeling human body enjoys, I am surprised than so many people don't want it!
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Old 02-20-2011, 08:15 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Thanks Mary I ordered the book from Amazon I hope to report positive results. I like your subtle approach that I think I can do. We sleep in the nude though he likes it that way but I will think of something.
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