trey69

"A Man will always want porn, even if everything in his relationship with a woman is great, including sexlife. Even if he is sexually sate, he will still want porn."

Not so, so I disagree. I have watched my share of porn in my time thats for sure. Have my wife and I ever watched it together? Sure, however thats few and far between. Why? Is it because she didn't like it or didn't want me to watch it without her? Nope, its because I feel I don't NEED it or WANT it. I have what I need and want at home.

Does it mean I'm not a visual person? Nope not at all. Sure I notice a nice looking woman walking down the street, who doesn't? Water is a NEED in life, porn is a WANT its not a NEED although people will convince themselves everyday that it is. If they absolutely feel its a NEED, then they need to cut their spouse lose and go be with their computer alone for the rest of their life.

Was I happy when I looked at porn, sure. Was I happy when I viewed it with my wife? Sure. However since I have chosen to to not watch it, I can say I have been happier than ever. Maybe part of that comes from the fact that both my wife and I could take it or leave it anyway. Its not something that if I don't view on a regular basis I'll just shrivel up and die from.

I guess I was blessed with being happy within myself and what I already have at home, and it reflects in how I treat my wife and my respect for her. Nothing on a computer screen or in a magazine can ever compare to that.

Also, after viewing ALL types of porn in my life, I can say, it got quite boring. It was kind of like once you have seen one p*ss you have seen them all.

__________________
"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."

CallaLily

Oh, and she really, really loves what she does. Women who don't, don't stay in the industry -- nor should they".

I bet she does, she has to get her self esteem some way.

I would think too, many people get out of the porn industry for many different reasons. Sure, one might be they no longer love it. Maybe they finally got tired of the BS and decided to love themselves and didn't need a trillion people drooling over them to make themselves feel good.

__________________
‎

IanIronwood

[QUOTE=Syrum;260284]CBT videos can be pretty brutal, but they tend to have far more male than female fans. If it really got you off, though, are you really being fair to your partner by not revealing and exploring -- at least in theory -- this particular fantasy? Or is it better to conceal your inner desires from the person you sleep with?

Well, duh. They ARE people -- people who can make their own choices and decisions, and don't need to be protected by well-meaning, judgmental standard of paternalistic behavior.

The fact is, no woman has to provide things like that for her man.

And her man doesn't have to stay with her if she doesn't make him happy.

That seems pretty straight forward to me.

Why is it cool to expect a man to provide the lion's share of the security in a traditional relationship with no expectation of fulfillment of his core values?


Your opinion is not shared by the majority. Nor is it a particularly healthy way to run a relationship. But to each his/her/their own -- you really haven't proven that porn is unhealthy in the slightest, you've just provided a lot of opinion and "widely known" facts. Got anything better?

You mean the widely-discredited Regan-era study that was funded by a coalition of anti-porn groups including the Family Research Council? The one where they spiked the protocol and faked the data to conform with their pre-conceptions? That study? Or was there another study you're referencing?

it's not PORN that causes less empathy, it's testosterone. Yes, testosterone lowers your empathy -- there was a study out just this month (using entirely female subjects) that essentially proved that. Watching porn in anticipation of sex or orgasm does increase testosterone levels in both males and females, so you're right about that. But having sex -- an orgasm -- lowers testosterone in males enough to allow them to get in touch with their deep emotions and become more empathetic. So . . . this is a bad thing?

I'm not saying that empathy isn't one of women's core needs. I'm just saying that sex is a male core need. The two are comparable.

"Last time I looked" -- looked at what? The salaries of male porn studs? I guarantee, ain't one of them "making millions". It's a job. And yes, they do get publicly shamed, denied loans and insurance, and are otherwise penalized for doing what they do. It isn't a one-way street. But where exactly did you look "the last time I looked"?

Hey, s1ut-shaming is part of anti-porn culture, not porn culture. Most people (I'd say about 95%) in the industry can't stand that sort of thing -- we respect the women (in front of and behind the camera) too much to go there. It's judgmental folks whose goal it is to shame people about sexuality in general who pull that kind of ****. You won't find it in any serious part of my industry.

And porn movies are not the only medium to create unrealistic expectations -- how many soap operas, romance novels, and celebrity tabloids have created wildly unrealistic expectations in the minds of women what a "successful" man looks and acts like? Haven't they made material success and emotional security the hallmarks of female ideals of attractive manhood?

That ain't apples and oranges. That's apples and apples. Male sexual values include attractiveness and sexual availability. Female sexual values include security and success. That's two sides of the same apple.

How noble of you to tell us men what we do and don't need. Does that work both ways, the way it should? Because I don't believe women need more than two pairs of shoes.

The evidence for a biologic drive towards a sexuality enriched by porn far exceeds the evidence that porn is inherently harmful to either individual or society. You may not believe that men need porn . . . but men believe that men need porn. We DO have a right to define our own sexuality, and porn is an intrinsic part of ours, like it or not. And if one gender should care deeply about the feelings of the other, then this is a pretty major one, isn't it? You might not be able to personally stand the potential comparison or handle the challenge of more adventurous sex than you're prepared for, but your opinion and judgement are not well-informed by the facts on the issue.

IanIronwood

HA! Believe me, Alexis has no need to get her self-esteem from anywhere else. One of the most self-assured pornstars I've ever met. She knows she has a smokin' body, her husband loves her dearly, and she's doing what she loves -- she's actually pretty damn ****y.

IanIronwood

Good for you. But I doubt you viewed ALL types of porn. There's a whole lot of types of porn. I'm betting you just scratched the surface.

In any case, I'm not advocating for porn to replace relationships, merely augment them. If porn is the reason your relationship comes crashing down, then you had a lot more problems there than porn brought into the equation.

CallaLily

So did she buy her body? Was she born with it, no enhancements? I mean yeah having tons of plastic surgeries is usually an indication they don't feel great about themselves.

__________________
‎

IanIronwood

Oh, I get it, I just don't think it's porn's fault. There were already issues there if that situation occurs. You might have hidden them, denied them, ignored them, or pretended they didn't exist, but a dude who prefers porn to his woman on a regular basis is either

a) too lazy about sex to begin with
b) seriously searching for part of his sexuality that he has yet to define
c) really, really upset with his wife about something he'd rather not get into
d) looking for escape from a miserably mediocre sex life
e) is suffering from a clinically diagnosable Sexual Compulsion Disorder. That's a whole lot more rare than you think.

In each case, it's not the fault of porn. Porn is just the method by which the guy is expressing his emotions -- likely because he doesn't feel comfortable enough with his wife to express them directly to her.

And that IS a problem.

IanIronwood

100% all-natural. Tall, too, for a performer (about 5'6" -- most stars are under 5'4" for technical reasons). Volleyball player in high school and college. PERFECT glutes. And you can't buy eyes like that.

MarriedWifeInLove

Amen - Trey - you are my new hero!

__________________
"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford

MarriedWifeInLove

I actually can't disagree with most of what you've posted here.

But again - this point's to a man's inability to express himself with his wife and get it "all out in the open."

I would absolutely LOVE IT if my husband would open up to me and tell me what the real problem is - even if I didn't like it or it hurt my feelings - I WANT TO KNOW.

Based on your list above, this is my input (as his wife and what I DO KNOW):

a. Too lazy - naw, I don't think so - but maybe.
b. This could definitely be part of why things changed. Discovered he was bi-sexual last year - but I've supported this and am 100% behind him, so it should no longer be an issue.
c. Could be - but if he won't talk, then I'm SOL
d. Absolutely NOT - if it's mediocre, then I don't know what great is - threesomes, toys, movies, role play, etc., anything and everything he has asked for or indicated he liked.
e. I know this is rare, but could be part of his problem.

Also - medical issues, meds and ED from his TBI/age probably have a LOT to do with it, but he keeps pushing me away from helping him, instead of embracing the fact that I do want to help. But I can't help those that don't help themselves.

Our next MC session is Tuesday - I go to my IC counseling Monday - we have the same counselor for our IC and MC - I will definitely be addressing this issue in my IC and ask the counselor to bring it up during our MC.

This is the biggest issue that we are dealing with in our marriage. If he can't or won't talk about it, then he might find himself single sooner than later. I've been working on this for almost 2 years and I'm running out of patience (and I've told him this, unlike him - I am able to express myself).

__________________
"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford

MarriedWifeInLove

And one more thing.

The statement that "men provide the majority of security" might have been true in the 50's, 60's and 70's, but not anymore.

I am the major breadwinner in my family, I run errands, clean the house, pay bills, wash clothes, etc.

So "I" provide the majority of the security, as it's defined, in my household.

All I ask in return is affection and intimacy.

If I can't get my simple needs met, then why the hell should I care about his?

__________________
"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford

IanIronwood

Your husband's new-found sexual orientation might be playing a much larger role in his issues than you suspect. A lot of bisexual men have a hard time rectifying their attraction to men and women with their sexuality. Your case is particularly harsh, of course, thanks to the ED and other issues. Strokes often damage or change emotional responses, which makes it that much more difficult.

I feel for you. I'd suggest you ask him to start writing you, either in a journal or by email, as if you were a friend of his and not his wife. It would be important not to be overly defensive about what he writes (even if its critical of you) but many men find it easier to express themselves when they don't have to talk face-to-face. Heck, he could communicate by mime, he just needs to get it out.

Unless he's still figuring it out. Some men don't want to talk about it until they've figured it out on their own.

MarriedWifeInLove

Not necessarily.

A porn addiction is like any other addiction - people are seduced for various reasons, then it becomes out of control.

It could be for OTHER reasons other than any issues in their relationship.

It could be issues that happened in their childhood, previous relationships, confusion about sexuality, etc.

I believe, at this point that my husband has a PORN ADDICTION. Has to - he is on it too much to be the casual viewer. When you're on it everyday, sometimes for several hours, 7-days a week and everywhere, then it's not normal. But try getting ANY MAN to admit they have an addiction, let alone a porn addiction.

Try it - I did - got NOWHERE!

__________________
"Don't Find Fault - Find A Remedy" Henry Ford

IanIronwood

Oh, I understand implicitly. That's why it's a problem.

My wife makes far more than I do, and even as a fairly enlightened male it took a toll on our relationship. It might be taking a toll on yours, too. Men who feel that they are not contributing actively to their household feel unmanly, because despite the fact that women are perfectly capable of supporting themselves without our help, males are still raised with the expectation that the ability to provide security -- money, home, etc. -- is their primary attractiveness characteristic. Our culture still hasn't caught up with this fact (it's only been the last 40 years or so) but I doubt it ever will, completely.

You say "all I ask" -- maybe you should ask for more? Not personally, but is it possible that your hubby is receding into porn because he feels useless? Just curious.

trey69

You have lived my life haven't you. I love your statement, "But I doubt you have viewed ALL types of porn." You know me so well and are in my brain. I love it when you seem to just know it all about another person and what they have and haven't done or what they know or don't know.

__________________
"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."