Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Hiya, does anyone here have any suggestions on how to be intimate without having sex?
My husband and I have been together for 6 years but because of erectile dysfunction, having sex isn't always an option for us and I'm wondering how we can remain close to one another? Without sex, it's easy to start feeling like we're just roommates or best friends instead of husband and wife. And although I know there's plenty of sexual acts that we can do other than intercourse, I often find it difficult to do things like kissing, touching or oral sex because we're both frustrated every time the ED occurs.
So I'm not sure if we should just grin and bear it, so to speak, and go on doing sexual things besides sex or if there's things outside the bedroom we can do to stay intimate and feeling close?
Do you hold each other, getting sensual? I mean as long as he can be satisfied with sensual touch, and providing you with what he can't....
There have been times that I could not be inimate entirely, but still provided that for him, and would want him to do the same for me. With all the toys that are out there, you can be intimate, and not have to stop and just holding and touching. He can still do all he needs to to get you all the way, and just ask him what he needs and give it. It may end up that he can be happy making YOU happy...
Just keep a substitute stick handy. My ex and I used that just to ensure that I was able to be fulfilled since my needs outdid his stamina. Also had a guy who on occasion let the drink make more than his morals a little loose, but in knowing that, did everything possible to still give me what I needed (before he passed out cold HAHA)
I would say give it a try. Might be awkward at first, but may also save you in bed
Re Viagra - it doesn't always work and sometimes won't at all. The misnomer is that you simply pop a pill and turn into a sexual athlete within 30 minutes (or so). If that were the case, they would sell a lot more pills.
I actually prefer the intimacy AROUND sex. The actual act is often more for him, though I don't mind at all when the intimacy leading up is right. It is usually the guy who HAS to have the act, you are in a situation where you can get all that intimacy and as long as he is willing, provide you with satisfaction. His being able to do that may make him feel amazing just for the act of giving (from what I understand, man DO enjoy being the source of a woman's smile, they are just not always very good at figuring out how to make that happen)
As a woman dating a man with ED for almost 2 years I totally understand your inquiry. It took me a year to realize I could have a satisfying intimate relationship with my boyfriend without always having penetration. Here are three tips that I hope will help you and your husband:
Communication-You have to be open, honest, and always talk with each other, always express how or what you're feeling. Don't be afraid to discuss openly what you both need sexually and explore ways to mutually satisfy each other which may or may not include penis/vaginal intercourse. Never hide your feelings.
Exploration-there are times my boyfriend and I can enjoy sexual intercourse still. The times we can't he has extremely exceptional oral skills and has fabulous erotic ways of using his hands or toys to get the job done. If your husband isn't already skillful in oral, fingering or other ways of providing you pleasure maybe you could suggest that he either learns or improves other skills to satisfy you.
Touch, Kiss & Tell-I'm fortunate my boyfriend is verbal and extremely affectionate. Those 2 qualities is what kept intimacy in our love making. Regardless if we enjoying mutual masturbation, oral, or playing with toys we always hold, caress, kiss, and constantly touch each other. We talk and express how we love each each other and what we desire in each other. Sometimes we get a bit raunchy but that increases the turn on for me and him. You have to be connected emotionally in order to maintain a physical connection during intercourse regardless of the activity. Don't let the ED issue be the elephant in the room. Love and make love to each other past it.
Intimacy goes way beyond sex. I am intimate with her many times a day. Sex is sauce for the goose. If ed stops him from performing one way then oral should help you or get yourself a toy. at any rate you can be satisfied and be intimate without penetration if need be.
Be thankful of the intiamcy! My soon to be XW for the last two years has been practicing "cheaper than rent sex" (I hate sex, will have no intimacy, just get it over) which is TOTALLY nonfulfilling for me. If I had to choose, intimacy or sex, would go for intimacy big time. and I really LIKE sex.
Keep in mind, just because he cannot perform sexually with his penis does not mean that you have to go unfufilled. It is important for him to make sure you are satisfied even if his body will not let him do what he wants.
Massage could be a way you can make him feel a bit of the pleasure he is missing from sex. It can release the same pleasure chemicals, albeit in smaller doses, so he could feel more satisfied.
You stated that you already understand that there are plenty of things besides intercourse that you can do, so do it! ED is often exacerbated by the embarassment of not being able to "last" so his making sure you are satisfied might give him an ego boost that helps his problem some.
That's good of you to seek suggestions in this. Both of you guys should still research ways that would make sex possible. Sometimes it seems I have a problem getting going sometimes. When my partner touches or rub my chest (nipples) it helps me stay up and gets me going sometimes. Sounds weird as a guy. But it may help.