SimplyAmorous

For those who are familiar with some of my postings, this subject is dear to my heart - but I also would like to smash it! Thought I might share in hopes -if any others have such a struggle, they may learn & take action earlier in their marriages. I only WISH I had such a sexual mentor to compel me to take the blinders off my eyes.

I discovered TAM when I was in the midst of what I call my "Sexual Awakening", it was SO powerful, I seriously wondered if I had a Sex Addiction for a time. There is no doubt I had some hormonal changes stirring in my body to bring me to this "glorious" place. Now, having experienced a taste of this, what I would compare with a raging testosterone laden male, I totally "get" men & their biological urges. This is Wonderful IF you have a willing partner, if not, this would seriously be "torment". Many young wives do not understand this.

Before this awakening, I just didn't THINK much about sex, this is NOT because I didn't orgasm (near EVERY time-No feeling on heaven or earth could compare), NOT because of Resentment (my husband is wonderful) , NOT because my partner badgered me (I wish he would have!). None of these things, not a part of MY story. I LOVED sex, even craved it after a time. But still -I didn't THINK about it much, talk about it, explore it. Although it is very strange, I was always in love with "Romance".

I have been trying to unravel all of the WHY's behind our ho-hum tamely vanilla 2 position lights out virtually flirtless once a week sex life --of our past...

I have blamed myself for being too busy, I have blamed him for being too quiet & not communicating his needs, yrs of infertility (I knew every blessid detail on sperm meeting egg but NEVER picked up a book about the PLEASURES & enjoyment of sex!), then TOO many kids, we used rubbers -he felt they were a raincoat, Church Teachings (we attended a Holiness church, continuous talk about putting our sinful flesh down), Parental attitudes, kids sleeping in bed with us, my single mother exposing me at a young age to her sexual exploits with various men, his parents pushing him out of the room with even a hint of an exposed flesh scene on TV -but looking upon "Friday the 13th" & "Halloween" was just FINE !! Do parents make any sense? The list is ongoing. Plenty of Blame if I want to go there, but what good does this serve? I had choices, this falls upon myself.

The fact remains we sadly missed many many good years we could have been exploring our bodies openly, connecting deeper sexually & just plain having more FUN! I have come to the conclusion, after the stress of infertility, it was our Repressed uneducated mindsets that screwed us over BIG TIME. Yes, even my dear husband - it can happen to men too! Only coming to learn the extent to these hinderences on our psyche after being married 19 yrs & FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY opening up the SEX dialog with each other. Please don't wait as long as us...

You know it starts when we are kids, taught that masterbation is wrong/sinful, then arrives the dating years, how many can control their sexual urges - are we truly meant too? As for me & my boyfriend/now husband, we were instinctively compelled to touch each other, it felt so heavenly, we got lost in it, our minds might have felt bad (afterwards) but our bodies had NO desire to stop!! This was a spiritual dilemma! We knew it was LUST, forbidden, straight from the evil one we are taught. So there we was sitting in those Church pews week after week -hearing the Warnings to remain PURE before God. How do you wash the dirtiness away. We were like 2 love sick teens, guilt ridden over these pleasures we were experiencing but felt inwardly SHAMEFUL about.

If there is anything in my/our life I regret the most --it was this pathetic mindset. We should have been embracing these sexual stirrings, celebrating them for what they was -enjoying our sexuality instead of feeling GOD is displeased with us at every turn, we had a firm line drawn in the sand that we did not cross - waiting until Marriage for Intercourse. (I do not regret this part).

But still these hinderances followed me beyond the Honeymoon. I could not separate (in my mind) what the world does openly (strip-teasing, erotic clothing/pictures, lingerie, oral sex, talking dirty, flirting, etc) with stinging criticism by the Church, then feel somehow as soon as the wedding takes place, this is all fine , dandy , encouraged, allowed in all of it's erotic fullness, the dirtier the better! So now we can IMITATE all that those BAD GIRLS we have been judging all of our innocent lives & get down & dirty with our husbands - and God puts his blessing on this!?? I couldn't turn the switch that easy.... Maybe it is that I just take things too seriously. I surely know most are NOT pure until marragie.


Too many years with the lights out (he did want them on) , our bodies hidden under the covers, I felt like EVE in need of the leaf - embarrassed of my flesh, he used to go down on me many times, I would push his head away, I didn't explore him orally - that gift lay dormant for many many yrs -even telling him I felt penis's were homely , I felt lingerie was too stripper-ish, I dressed more like a Little House on the Prairie woman, I used to think sourly on Public Displays of Affection, even flirting seemed sinful considering (Ephesians 4:29) "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths".

As you might imagine, I was quite the wet blanket, prudish, husband even referred to me as a Nun on occasion!


Where I have came from - to where I am NOW, is an AMAZING story/transformation, so please take heart, THIS CAN HAPPEN TO OTHER WOMEN ! Of coarse a boost in our hormones can do wonders beyond our imaginations, even driving your fantasy life out of control (I know mine was!).

But I believe, even MORE SO, a WILL to love & understand our men, to understand ourselves & Dig DEEP into our sexual potentials to connect on a higher level in our marraiges >>> Who would not want to follow this path?

I was devouring books upon books upon more books, educating myself to all of these things. I would say my "mindset" was dammed, and now I liken myself to a Niagra Falls in sexual freedom & desirous expression.

The greatest gift a wife can give to her husband.


*******

If any women or men can identify with even a HINT of what I am talking about here - Excellent article here >>>> Sexual Guilt

I found this an interesting blog site >>>>Without A Clutch: From Sexual Guilt to Sex Positive



Please, if any stories to share --Please DO share! Or thoughts, Feelings on this "not so much talked about" issue.

mary35

Excellent thread SA!

I had a similar experience with repression. I grew up in a very strict religious environment where sex was not talked about in my family except - don't do it! I found "pleasure spots" when I was young and continued to masturbate through out my teen years. I did not even know what I was doing nor that there was a name for it. When I did find out about masturbation it was in reference to what boys did. I did not know girls did it too. I thought I was a freak! My husband and I got together when we were teens - he also grew up in a strict religious environment, and for us both pre-marital sex was a stern no-no! However after going together for more than a year and having the teen hormones raging we eventually succumbed to the urges. We both felt horribly guilty and tried not to do it again, but there were those urges - which were now even stronger since we had tasted the forbidden fruit!

Long story shortened - I got pregnant and we got married -both still in our teens. Now that I was married sex was suppose to be OK, but I could not get over the guilt of having pre-marital sex and I could not reconcile why it was not OK then, but was OK after marriage. A couple of years into the marriage, after the newness and excitement wore off, sex began to feel wrong to me. Add on top of that, we had several children close together quickly, (keep in mind how young we were) and we spent the next 10 years putting my husband through college & graduate school all the while trying to support ourselves and our quickly growing family.

Everything you described SA about your repressed attitude, was very much the same. I suffered from the "Good girl's don't" big time. And I had been a bad girl and was trying to repent! One position was allowed, lights out, no exploration, do it as fast as possible and get it over with. No dressing sexy, definitely no talking, and sad to say very little emotional connection during the act. I didn't have orgasms from intercourse and I only rarely allowed him to touch me to bring me to orgams. And I cut out masturbation for myself. So as you can imagine - sex was not very pleasurable for me. (This was me driving the boat - so my fault). While my husband was raised the same as me - he did not carry the same strict mindset, nor the guilt and tried several times to talk with me or try different things, but I pretty much shot him down. He eventually quit trying. He is very much what is described as a "nice guy"!!! So he went along - but it did cause some resentment on his part - I can especially see that now. But he directed it towards other things and only rarely at me.

I was overwhelmed with being a mother - we had 6 children and most of my energy and efforts went to dealing with my children. My husband got my left-overs and I sometimes resented giving him that much. VERY VERY SAD!!!!!!!

As the years went on - I found more and more excuses to not have sex and sometimes we went months without.

Looking back I am surprised our marriage lasted and that we got along as well as we did, but we were good friends and we did love each other and we both threw ourselves into parenting, hubby threw himself into his career and other activities and we managed to stay pretty civil to each other on the surface. But somewhat emotionally distant, not surprisingly so.

I talked about my awakening in my thread The reason wives won't have sex
so won't take up more space here.

The bottom line is being repressed for so many years robbed both me and my husband not only of sexual pleasure, but of an emotional closeness and even a special spiritual connection that is only brought about through having a healthy, happy, and frequent sex life together.

I have learned over the last several years since my "sexual awakening" just how much power good sex has in bringing a man and wife closer and how much it increases love and intimacy. The difference for us has been night and day. We are so close and so connected now it's so amazing. All those years and so much wasted time. No more wasted time - if I can help it.

So many regrets! Good thread SA! I only hope those who need it will read it and learn!

Scannerguard

Mmmmm.

I would encourage others to post here. . .but just beware of bashing religion in the name of married couples enjoying sexual pleasure.

While after a life of meditation on sex, it may be easy to conclude "it was the church's/parents/societies" fault. . .it's not so.

I am only familiar with Catholic doctrine, but applied correctly, it would seem to be that sex is very much encouraged between married couples and that any sort of supression, is to be discouraged by a thoughtful Priest.

I used to be a member here - Catholic Answers: Catholic Apologetics, Catholic Evangelization, Catholic Teachings, Catholic Radio, Catholic Publishing, Catholic Truth

You can talk to an Apologist (yeah, that's what they are called) as the subject of sex and marriage comes up there a lot just like it does here, beleive it or not. Apologists are kind of "certified" to explain religion's role in sex between spouses.

I can't speak for other Christian relgions.

I can recall one Jewish rabbi though giving therapy for couples and a challenge of "Sex Everyday for 30 days."

Hardly "puritanical", huh?

Anyway, from what I understand, there is a "sin" called scruples which means if you get too hung up about being pure and so forth, you are actually running the risk of being guilty of scruples.

A good Priest will encourage a couple to make love and have sex often and just go with their desires and not be obsessed with avoiding sin, as it is an inevitable part of the human experience. That is what Confession is fer.

But what do I know. . .I'm divorced and going to h-e- double hockey stix.

__________________
And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.

greenpearl

SA,

GREAT THREAD!

If they teach people SEX IS DIRTY, THEN I AM A DIRTY WOMAN. I DON'T CARE. LET THEM THINK THEY ARE BETTER THAN ME.

For those so-called Christians,

Our bodies are created by GOD, designed by GOD, it is GOD who gives us the special gift! SEX is from GOD.

He gives us this gift, he wants us to enjoy it. Of course he doesn't want us to abuse it and we shouldn't. Marriage is designed by GOD, sex within marriage is sacred, it has GOD's permission.

It is men who are doing the teaching, what they teach is against GOD's wish, they should be shamed.

SimplyAmorous

Scanner:

The Church I went to would make mention of others faiths not being "real" Christians because they do not believe in the "Born again" experience, Catholics being among them. (I have ALWAYS questioned this craziness & not cared for their judgements). In fact these scriptures was used alot during sermons .... "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect". (Matt 5:48), also "If anyone loves me, he WILL obey my teaching" (John 14:23)

I purposely did not use the term "Religion" in my thread title because I knew others would be very offended & probably attack me. Although that is fine too! I realize multitudes of believers , even those who played around, many do not go on to have these silly sexual hangups as I did, or at least to the lenghts I let it go. I tend to OVER ANALYZE things, always been this way. I have been told by my Pastor I am "too cerebral". I guess that was not a compliment ! Ha ha

But you know what, I love my mind, God gave it to me! No longer will I push it down, feeling like it is a Scurge upon who I am -been there, done that. Happy to be taste mental freedom.

Truth is, in my "conscience" back then, before we were married, deep down I felt "good" about keeping ourselves from what we did, only going "so far' - husband felt the same - it was all the outside teachings/beliefs that tripped us up, THIS made us feel Trampled, not how we truly felt within. But you realize THIS is going against Biblical teaching. I would NOT take back what we did. Why ask for forgiveness for it, I had no desire to stop! ABSOLUTELY NONE!! I simply regret allowing such judgement to cloud me, hinder me, hinder us.

I did say in my opening post ....."Plenty of Blame if I want to go there, but what good does this serve? I had choices, this falls upon myself".

I am not blaming God, after all, we have Songs of Solomon, don't we? pretty pornograghic when you think about it. When was the last time you heard a Priest of Pastor do a sermon on this Book & it's meaning? Had I been raised without feeling I deserved to burn in hell if I succumed to some premarital play, I might not have suffered "mentally" as I did.

And what of this Solomon, he had HUNDREDS of wives & concubines (1 Kings 11: 1-3)- this was OK? Or was he condemned too? Why was his writings choosen to be included in God's masterpeice -if he was a VERY sinful disobiedant VERY HORNY man- disgracing monogamy & ignoring God's commandments?

Unlike Mary, I NEVER struggled with Sex feeling WRONG within marraige at all but I did feel as though -oral sex was, and acting like a Stripper & all that kind of Erotic spicing was! What a shame.

Had I had a Christian book such as this Amazon.com: Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (9780842360241): Kevin Leman: Books - in my young marraige, I think it could have SAVED us & enlightened my soul. But even this author was condemned by believers who felt Biblically HE was going too far, too worldly in his openess in the bedroom within marraige, some reviewers "beat him up" scripturally.

I guess we can always expect this. Obviously, none of this bothers me anymore.

Thank you Mary - For sharing!!

greenpearl

I only knew that David was punished because he took somebody else's wife.

There are no Scriptures say that SEX IS DIRTY!

GOD IS PERFECT, but HE knows clearly that we are human, we are imperfect, it is impossible for us to be like HIM. Those priests
are trying to force something impossible to human mind, I can only say they are stupid.

Scannerguard

Greenpearl,

But that is my point. . .I am not saying there aren't priests shaming it's congregation with puritanical teachings and philosophy (it sounds like your religion SA was puritanical in philosophy), I"m sure there are some out there. . .but if they are, then the Priests don't seem to be following Catholic doctrine, where sexual exploration is encouraged among married couples.

There are some "puritanical" things - like never to spill the seed (a common theme actually among a lot of religions) but for the most part, cunnilingus is encouraged, different positions, frequency is encouraged, etc.

Now, outside of marriage, yes, the Catholic Church is very, VERY puritanical. Inside of marriage, no. . .they encourage ****tyness and man-hore-ness.

And as far as the other Baby Protestant religions suggesting Catholics aren't true Christians - blah, blah, blah, heard it all before. . .not interested, I dont' even practice so you can't even really insult me.

From a historical perspective, their argument is downright ridiculous. Scripturally speaking, their argument falls on deaf ears as I don't really beleive the Bible is the Word of God - it's a collection of Tribal Law (Old Testament) and an account of the life of an amazing philosopher and healer (New Testament) so quoting scripture rings hollow with me.

I am more rather interested in doctrine and the moral reasoning behind the doctrine (called Cathechism in Catholicism - are you girls properly cathetchized? ).

SA - you would have made a good Catholic - 6 kids and perpetually horny, lol

But anyway, no God I would worship would leave an instruction manual open to many different modes of interpretation and be fuzzy. The God I would worship would be clear if the choice meant an eternity of pleasure or an eternity of pain and torture.

__________________
And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.

mary35

It was not my religion nor even it's teachings that repressed my sexuality. My religion, as do many religions, teach that sex is a good thing within the boundaries of marriage and is not appropriate outside of marriage. The problem for me was my own warped thinking and sick interpretations of these teachings (among other things) which led to my sexual repression.

You also have to understand that I was a teen in the early 70's. The sexual revolution occurred in the late 60's and was still evolving. For the most part the older generation, including my parents, and even most of society was still pretty much sexually repressed in how sex was viewed and presented. I grew up with TV shows like "I Love Lucy" - where Lucy and hubby slept in twin beds. lol My parents were not affectionate with each other. I seldom saw my Dad kiss my mom and if he did it was a peck. They rarely even held hands. I was naive and knew very little about sex and what I did know I learned from a friend in Jr. High and that was pretty much the basic mechanics - i.e. the penis goes into the vagina. I formed some pretty warped thinking patterns as far as sex was concerned. I processed the environment around me and came up with my own sick dos and don'ts. As I said, my husband was raised during the same time period and with the same religious beliefs and he did not have the same repressed attitude. I don't blame my religion or my parents or even society. But they all are factors in the development of my sexual attitudes.

These days, the pendulum has swung in the other direction. Now kids get all sorts of info at very early ages. The are bombarded with sex sex sex, everywhere. I am not sure if this is a good thing either. I think a happy medium between the two extremes would be healthier. But that could be another long discussion.

My point is - it is not religions per say that cause the repression. It's warped internal processing of religious beliefs, along with the internal processing of our upbringing and societal messages. I am not ready to throw the baby out with the bath water. I have not stopped living my religion but instead I am trying to reprocess some of my sick thoughts and ideas and form new ones - healthier and happier ones. I am hoping to find that I can have both religion and hot orgasmic sex with my husband. Otherwise - the baby (religion) may have to go! lol

Seriously, my new healthier and happier thinking process that has replaced the warped one now includes the belief that sex between my husband and I is an extremely bonding experience that makes our marriage strong and lasting. I also believe that sex can create a very intense spiritual connection between us and at the same time bring us both closer to God. After all, I believe God created our bodies and everything about them.

What more do I need to make me WANT to do it? Oh yeah! It is also EXTREMELY pleasurable. lol Another wonderful blessing from God! I intend to take full advantage of it for as long as I can!

SimplyAmorous

This could be very true TODAY (are't they STILL against birth control ??) But oh is this ever NOT true in the past. Come on Scanner, you know your Catholic Church history - surely you have read up on the Great & MIghty St Augustine (354-430) - Considered the "Doctor of the Church" & his " The Confessions" equating even sex IN marraige as "unclean" -except for Procreation. If anyones influential writings have contributed to a "sex is dirty" attitude in Christianity, it started with HIM !

Many blame his OBSESSION with women & wild sexual excapades of his youth-even having a mistress & child out of wedlock , before conversion - also his studying with the Manichees and their belief that the body/flesh was the cause of all evil .

Obviously we know he went TOO FAR with these things, but I wonder if anyone in the Catholic Church, any Popes have denounced these specific teachings ??? Just as they have denounced the Idea of "LIMBO" in the last 25 yrs (I forget when) -another example of the craziness that comes from the "Original Sin Doctrine" -- that "debate" won by this same St Augustine, over his rival Pelaguis.

http://www.patriarchywebsite.com/bib...e-love-sex.htm

http://www.columbia.edu/itc/lithum/gallo/jeff2.html

I feel the same as you

I feel the same. When I quote scripture, it is more or less to converse with believers using their own sword, their own measurement. I prefer reasoning as well. And hopefully more morally than not. If not, I can be sure of one thing, they will let me know of my sin.

I suppose I would say this is true for me as well, but unlike Mary, I threw the baby out. It just wasn't working for me , but I understand it does for many many many people, and this is GOOD!

Whatever makes us better people, more loving, more giving, more helpful to our fellow man, hey, I am all for that!! As for me, I was much more difficult to deal with -when I thought "I believed" , trying to live within the "constraints" of what I was being taught- I could pen a book on the problems I had with my faith, it was not all about sex- not at all. This doesn't mean I discount a "God" or a Creator at all though.

I am just more at PEACE not having all the answers all tied up & handed to me to follow, than feeling I did have them all - then they warred against my Mind.

michzz

I was raised Catholic, not a member anymore. However, I will say my experience with the church is that a lot of what Scannerguard says is true most definitely was NOT true about sexual acts other than married intercourse with the goal of pregnancy.

Everything else was considered a sin.

AltoSax4ever

This is a very enlightening thread for sure. My wife and I attended a "Marriage Retreat" where sex was definitely the "hot" topic. As I explained in another thread, sex was looked at as an integral part of the relationship, with more of an emphasis on the differences between husband and wife and their needs. Though many of the explicit topic were not addressed, there was a definite tone of have fun and explore each other. The baptist church that I attend has addressed it in a small way, but it seems some congregations are beginning to lighten up in this area. I agree with Mary about it maybe not being a good idea for children to be exposed to so much at an early age, but I am wholeheartedly for sexual freedom as a thing to bring couples as close as possible. I believe there was a pastor a few years back that even suggested couples have sex for an entire week to see what happens. I tried to suggest that idea to my wife and we all know where that went!!! Great stuff people, great stuff!!!!

marcopoly69

I just want to say that it will be a better world if we teach our children the importance of looking at sex as we look at friendship. It is something necessary and fundamental for all humans to feel like we belong and loved. It doesn't make any sense that man and some women have this powerful desire for sex and sometimes kinky sex and that we are not able to express it of have it met that we resort to look and masturbate at porn, go out and cheat or pay to have met...I mean, why would've God make this joke on us?? the way i see it, is that if we have the desire and power, then the potential to leave fully sexual met lives is there in all of us....the low sex drive person, need to work on his/her sex awakening (if healthy), otherwise, they are missing out in one of the most incredible gifts given by God to us.

I just pray for my wife to keep feeling more comfortable, sexier, brave and passionate about enjoying our love together...COME ON THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE ALL OUR LIVES...IT GOES DOWN IS BIOLOGIC so don't waist anytime, if you LOVE SOMEONE...REALLY LOVE THEM and ARE HEALTHY you have no excuse in working in your sexual aweakening...starts with you and trying to figure out why you don't want to have sex or why you are so vanilla for it....work at it, weak up you only are going to make your marriage better...no bad things will come up from giving your wife or husband as much sex as they can handle with enthusiams, variaty, just show them that you love them and understand that life is short and is a SIN waisted this amazing thing that God gave you.

Scannerguard

SA,

Remember again, I am not a Catholic Apologist, so I can't really speak "officially" but yes, you are correct on two points:

A. The Catholic Church formerly was a bit uptight on couples having sex for just mere pleasure. Now, they have relaxed their position on that. The interesting thing is when there is a papal "mea culpa" on something, it's kind of like a "do-over" meaning perhaps, the moral doctrine was correct for the time, but not correct now.

I don't know why a mea culpa isn't just a mea culpa but there you have it.

YOu do have to remember how fast diseases like syphillis spread across Europe during the Catholic Church's heydey.

This wasn't just take a course of pennicllin for 10 days.

B. As far as birth control, yes, other than rhythm, natural family planning, they are against birth control inside and outside the marriage.

I have noticed an absence of this discussion here at the Sex Forum - how part and parcel the ability to impregnante or be impregnated is to male and female sexuality.

I mean to the guys who have had vascectomies - what's the use if you are shooting blanks?

My gun is loaded, you know? Makes me more Masculine.

B1. Catholic doctrine follows a philosophy of naturalism. . .that it's not "natural" to take hormones, to stick devices in your uterus, to mutilate your tubes, etc.

B2. Again, I am not a Catholic apologist, just trying to explain their position, not justify it.

C. An interesting part of marriage and sex and procreation is that overly strict adherence of Catholic doctrine (again, I don't this is official) is that marriage is geared towards young people with an ability to procreate, that let's say a woman who is 55 and widowed should not marry a man who is 59 and widowed, that she is not called to marriage.

I don't think that is official though (I am unclear on this part of Catholic Doctrine) - the real Holy Roller Catholics (vs. a Cafeteria, unpracticing one like me) may actually take that position - that one of the roles of marriage is to have sex and make babies, not just companionship (as an older couple may get married for).

(the man could remarry though - because he can still procreate)

I don't think that is the official position though (it's funny, some Holy Roller Catholics really love strictness though - they get into it, lol - you'd have to live it to appreciate it, lol).

__________________
And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.

SimplyAmorous

My husbands parents were the same. My parents were different, Non church going dad & Step Mom were always openly affectionate , I always sensed they were still madly in love- this was good. My single mother, she was a little too open , I seen TOO much from her end -that made sex look "dirty", to the point I would not let a guy "use me" because of HER experiences. There IS surely a balance with kids around.

I think children should SEE a happy Mom & Dad though, a little mischievous playfulness, light flirting, why not! But shut the door if you are going to get carried away. Our kids see a lot of affection between us, I feel this is healthy for their future hopes & attitudes for their own marriages. It is nothing to be ashamed of, but something to celebrate. We've played family Scrabble & think nothing of loading the board with sexual terms , the boys just snicker & laugh, Once husband had "aroused" for his very 1st word, we added "lust", daughter put down "sex", "hot" was thrown in there, my kids won't be ignorant or in the dark on these matters. I just can't see it any other way.

How true this is, and there is no going back. But we can’t put them in a bubble either.

So we as parents MUST have some influence on their hearts, their minds. All the more to have our home be that safe haven where ALL can be brought up (even sexual matters), discussed, parents listening 1st if they are daring enough to open up -THEN explaining the whys when instructing & enforcing. I know my kids feel this freedom. There is literally nothing they would feel "threatened" to bring up to me or their dad. Not that they always would!!! Teens will be teens - But they know they can, this is so important.

I have a little story ... some may find our tactics very strange, HOW me & the husband dealt with this, but I am very pleased with the outcome & it didn't end with "shaming" our son, which is what we wanted to avoid.

We suspected our 13 yr old might be sneaking porn (he is of that hormonal age where boys want to look upon these things), we noticed he started taking the Laptop to his room (something new), so husband decided to play Detective-- he discovered this impressively HIDDEN file by clicking on this DOT the size of a period on a sentence & OH MY -a treasure of naked beautys , seductive you tube videos, even some funny sexual cartoons -nothing hard core thankfully. Husband was getting a charge out of some of this, even commenting on how his son has good taste (Sorry just being honest).

Since our older christian son was Home from college, we asked his imput , after all he is in youth ministry. Before he answers, husband comes up with the idea to have a little FUN with this before we have "THE TALK" so he decided to take some of these files & plaster them all over his desktop so when he turns the laptop on, well it would be quite entertaining _ a kodak moment I wish I had! My older son felt this was a brilliant by the way, he even wanted to see that moment! So this is what we did. Of coarse this 13 yr old never says anything to us after he discovers his pornographic desktop.

A couple days later I was replying on TAM about this very subject, this son walked in the room & I just felt THIS IS THE TIME , so told him to sit down. I should have waited for his dad, but I am quite comfortable with the subject & my kids are used to me. We talked for an entire hour! It went VERY VERY well, a little awkward at 1st of coarse.

He said it was easier than he thought- talking to me, his mother!! I spoke about puberty & Testosterones role, about his dad in his youth, how it is NORMAL to be sexually curious , how I know he is not gay (gotta get a little laughter going on) He asked me questions, he was honest, he even wanted me to look up Crissy Moran , an X-porn star who got "saved" -he admired her, told me she had a movie about it ! I guess this son is also a Researcher on who he looks at. Interesting! He opened up about how he struggles with this, how HE FEELS shame for looking, but that it IS good that we did not add to his shame. (His words to me).

He even ASKED ME to download something on this laptop to stop him from doing this (this was already in the plan). He wants to do the right thing. He did laugh about what we did, I am sure this cut the awkwardness also. We laughed a lot that hour! He was not sure Dad did that to his desktop, but it did FREAK him out.

So there you have it, talk to your kids, even about these very very sensitive matters, but don't shame, belittle, lay on the guilt. They feel it already (as in my son's words), many good kids WANT to do the right thing, they may not even understand Why they are so drawn to these things. It helps them to know their parents understand , been there. And look, we turned out just fine. And of coarse set up healthy parameters to nip it in the bud! We downloaded "K-9" that day.


Whether we are comfortable or not about our kids sexuality/erotic curiosity, it WILL be raging in their minds, especially boys, they really can't help it, it is testosterone's curse. I have read enough about this hormone to know of its effects.

But Yes, such a balance IS needed. We DO need to protect their innocence as much as we possibly can. If they grace something on TV, we talk about it in our house, I don’t force them out of the room at every turn. I hope they will listen to our words, see our example, and do their darnest to treat their future girlfriends/boyfriends with the upmost respect, even with the goal to save the most intimate until their wedding day. It IS a beautiful thing. So much can be said about waiting & it’s benefits, to not use sex carelessly, mindlessly or damagingly.

I think the only way we can expect them to NOT lay hands on each other while dating though, is to not allow them to be alone. This is how some in our Church raise their teens until age 18, possibly even beyond.. While courting, they must be in "groups" at all times, until the day of their Wedding.

I am thankful my parents did not force that strictness upon me. We enjoyed our freedom and alone times. Me & my husbands plan is >> keep them talking, always well informed of the things that can hurt/destroy, the unforseen emotions involved & the GREAT RESPONSIBILITIES of SEX (never downplaying its beauty or role in monogomous bliss though)-- hopefully these things will give my children a healthy guide -even keeping them from going "too far", but saving that one special thing for their husband or wife.

We would be "pleased" if their lines in the sand / boundaries are the same as me & their dads was (minus the internal shame/guilt we had of coarse).

mary35

SA - It sounds like you are handling things very well with your kid's sex education. I like the way you are open and direct, teaching that sexual feelings and thoughts are normal and helping them understand that while it is normal there is responsibility that goes along with this gift that was given us. I especially liked the way you used humor with your sons situation. That is such an awsome way to diffuse an uncomfotable situation and make your kids feel at ease with you.

I wish I could say I had done the same. Unforunately my sexual repression carried over in the way I dealt (or mostly didn't deal) with the topic of sex with my kids. I gave them books to read and discussed the basics with them. We also taught them our values (which were mostly don't do it till your married) and then told them if they had any questions feel free to ask. I am now trying to undo some of the underlying messages my daughters picked up from my screwed up feelings. I hope it is not too late! The good news is they are out of their teens so I am no longer the dumbest person they know. lol