Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
If women were capable of having sex only with those they were madly in love with, what can explain prostitution, pornography, the legions of unwed mothers and why do seemingly respectable women I don't even know keep offering me sex just to get out of a DUI or other charge? Why do these salients of virtue unbutton their blouses when I approach their car on just a speeding violation?
I believe "can't" is often used by wives who really mean to say "won't" and the two words are not the same. One cannot realistically promise to always feel love for their spouse. The vow is to "be" one's lawfully wedded spouse, not to consistently "feel" like one. Every human is imperfect, therefore each of us will occasionally offend and be offended. One cannot expect to live with another human being and never be disappointed, offended, or hurt. One cannot expect to reap the benefits of marriage through good times and bad but only contribute to the marriage when they feel like it. Kids need to be fed even when they make you mad. The mortgage gets paid even if the roof leaks. Husbands and wives remain sexual and social human beings even when their spouses are angry, hurt, or whatever.
Would it make sense to try to cure an illness by drinking poison or withholding food and water from the patient? There are three logical outcomes of withholding affection from one's spouse. #1 - divorce. #2 an affair. #3. an unhappy marriage to a spouse filled with growing resentment. If a course of action is unlikely to produce positive results (improve the marriage), then why pursue that course? Being right or vindicated but divorced is not a "win".
Sex in marriage is vastly different than sex in prostitution, pornography or some woman trying to get out of a speeding violation. All of those are financially motivated, are they not? Legions of unwed mothers? I fail to see how a woman getting pregnant while not being married would be lumped in to the category of a prostitute. That's pretty dangerous ground.
You both have made my point. "Don't want to" is completely different than "can't". You are saying (as I have on several occasions) that withholding is a deliberate choice. We are not slaves to our emotions or feelings. Your husband may "feel" tempted to commit adultary. Even if he is angry or upset with you, you rightfully expect his vows to trump his natural emotions and feelings. Devotion means putting what's best for the relationship and the needs of your partner above your own. Love isn't always an emotion but often a choice. If my wife is moody, grouchy, mean, or has gained a few pounds or is undergoing cancer treatment, she still is my wife and even if my natural sexual desire might wain a bit, she has the right to expect that I will either keep my promise and be her husband in every sense of the word or I will have the decency to leave the relationship.
There is one more betwee can't and won't. I could do it, but I would do it with disdain and hate it every step of the way. How about that one? I'm not talking about a simple argument, but one I feel one of my boundaries has clearly been stepped on and trampled. Happened only once. So later, she wanted it, I could not even get a kiss because it just felt wrong in every fiber of my body.
Now, there was a time at the start I did not repect one of her boundaries and was being a douche. She could and still wanted to have sex and we did.
This is just personal. Same as I would have a hard time having sex without love. She says she would not mind doing just that. Everybody is different. Posted via Mobile Device
I suppose I'm not talking about the rare one-two night "headache" but a decision to torture one's spouse for weeks, months, or even years. In any case, being angry with your spouse should feel awful...to the point that you can't enjoy life until the problem is resolved. If it is intolerable to have sex with one's spouse for months or years it should be equally intolerable to live in the same house with them, spend their money, eat their food (you get the idea).
Catherine, if there are vastly more pregnancies than there are long term relationships, it stands to reason that lots of women are having sex with partners they aren't necessarily head-over-heels in love with. Nothing sinister or sexist here, just a little math. In or out of marriage, sex is frequently used as currency or leverage. All people are both good and evil and one can either love their partner or hate them, depending on that which they choose to focus their attention on. We daily work on our relationships. We're working to strengthen them or we're working to kill them and it's entirely our choice which.
For the record, I wasn't talking about prolonged periods of time. The case in point was actually an argument me and my OH had about his refusal to acknowledge his lack of affection (non-sexual) towards me and his refusal to work on it.
I've never been one to want to get down to it when things are frosty. I must say I was pontificating because OH never actually gave me the come on during our troubles (this was a matter of days btw, no longer) but that in itself is unusual because otherwise we are intimate every day. I might actually ask him how he feels; I know he took care of things during that time but never approached me.
I must also emphasise that any withdrawal on my part is not deliberately constructed as a punishment, as a "that'll teach him" train of thought at all. I suppose I think of it as retreating into my woman cave in all aspects, inside and outside the bedroom. I see that it has been said that tending to the other partner's needs is not simply a fairweather agreement; whilst I see this, in practicality whilst I don't stop loving him because I am angry, I don't want to subject myself to what would ultimately be an empty and unfulfilling meeting. I have tried to reconcile that way before and it did nothing for me, in fact it was quite upsetting.
I think talking about a longer term withdrawal however merits further discussion as I think that opens up other issues that may not be pertinent here.
Unbelievable, the fact that you feel that your wife should be able to "compartmentalize" her emotions so that she can have sex with you because that's what YOU want is not only selfish, but it is relegating her to the role of prostitute. That's what they do. They put aside all emotion and feeling to "get the job done". The whole time you have talked about nothing but how you feel and what you want. You have shown with each post, that you have no regard to her feelings. I do not deny my husband sex when I am angry with him, however, there is a VERY distinct difference between when I am aroused and want to share this intimacy (because it is SHARING), and when I am not. He actually calls it prostitute sex and would rather not do it. I am not going to act like I want you at that time. News flash...I don't, and I refuse to put myself in the running for an Academy Award. And as long as I am upset with you, I am not going to be emotionally able to give you what want you. End of story. I will give you what you think you want, but you will realize, you would have been better off not doing it at all. It feels like being raped physically and emotionally. The fact that you cannot or will not accept that for men it is a more physical thing and you can detach as opposed to women where it is suppose to be an emotional thing. Just as you say that is your makeup as a human and a man, that it ours. It is short-sighted and selfish for you to think that she should just forget about her feelings and emotions to satisfy you. Wow. Do you really not feel selfish at all? Can you not see that you are soooo getting more out of this "sharing" than she is. Actually, you are not sharing at all, you are just taking. Incredible.
Sex cannot be used as reward or punishment it's as simple as that. I havn't used that tactic during the trying times, so why should she?
Sure if shes pissed off about something she is not going to initiate or give a half hour long filthy blowjob, but as far as deliberately withholding sex as a form of punishment because he doesn't agree with her (she would have to be the 'controlling type'), then that is highly wrong.
I would hump her leg and cum on her leg, roll over and say 'well if your going to treat me like a dog then I will act like one'. My smart yet crude Aussie sense of humor would likely shine in such situations
The problem with withdrawing from sex when angry is that it could become a sloppery slope. What if one of you is angry about something every day? Make-up sex is actually very therapeutic!
Wow-I know this is a super old thread but I actually joined just to reply! Maybe a lot of women will think I set our gender back a good 75 years, LoL-but I actually firmly agree with Unbelievable and think a lot of people were misreading his posts.
Saying he is putting his wife into the position of acting as a prostitute by physically needing her while she may be angry is a bit much in my opinion. He is obviously a Christian (and I would suspect his wife is as well)-and God does command a wife to submit to her husband and her body is not her own, nor is her husband's his own. So it is not at all unreasonable he should expect those things to apply in his Christian marriage, so I don't think anyone should be criticizing him for that.
I also don't think he is saying he wants sex with her EVERY time they are angry. But if he has attempted to make her feel better after a disagreement and she denies him physical love, it DOES feel like a punishment. Some men show their love in a physical way....and trying to initiate making love can be a way to try and bridge the gap, so to speak. Having that be rejected would be painful. I don't think much would feel worse than feeling unwanted by the person you love most.
I also disagree very strongly with the tendency many women have of stereotyping men and lumping them all together. I see a lot of "Men can have sex without love or emotions-women can't". Sure, some definitely can! Plenty of women can and do as well! But there are men out there who wouldn't and couldn't have sex with someone they didn't love or have feelings for.
In our house, there's always a cooling off period after a Major Engagement where I am considered sexually verboten. In fact, just by chance, I'm in one right now.
All you people who say be 100% honest with your mate? Yeah, screw that. We had an innocent enough conversation where I let it slip that I didn't think her job was as challenging as mine (no, not that I didn't find her work as important and meaningful - get off my back!). That morphed into "you don't respect me". Even though the fight itself is now mostly resolved, the two officially sanctioned possible intercourse days (Sa/Su) are probably still under the aegis of the formal cease fire.
So yeah, everything in the relationship has to be on the level for some indeterminate time before sex can even be glimpsed on the horizon. Like the wise man said, sex starts in the kitchen, but then it moves to the living room, the garage, and the garden before landing in the bedroom.
When the issue(s) goes unresolved, this can lead to a sexless marriage, resentment builds and then everything falls apart. So sayeth the guy whose had sex once this year and maybe 10 times in the last 5 years. Who knew I would basically be celibate after turning 40.
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Re: Withdrawing from sex when angry 
