Can men really feel used after sex?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-28-2011, 03:03 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Can men really feel used after sex?

My ex boyfriend and I had a talk this week about why we broke up. He was really mean to me and emotionally abusive one weekend. He sexually rejected me, ignored me and was mean. He was going through stress but there is never any excuse for meanness so I dumped him. He has since apologised to me many times and spent 7 months trying to win me back. I still love him but am having difficulty trusting him because he took out his bad mood on me, and I didnít understand what had sparked all the horrible things he said. During the talk this weekend it came out that he is so used to women just wanting him for sex he had a hard time believing I could genuinely be so nice and care about him, and sometimes felt like I just loved his body. This, as well as general stress, is why he lashed out the way he did. This is ALL his issue. I loved him, I showed him all the time, and it wasnít just physical, and he says he realises it now, but because heís been hurt in the past he couldnít believe I didnít just want a superficial relationship. Itís almost like the was testing me...

I just want to know if this is a genuine response for any men out there. He is extremely good looking and does have people hitting on him all the time. I have been with him when it happens and I know it bothers him but I am hurt he could think I was like that. He is also from a culture where girls are very forward and loose, which he dislikes, but I have not been with many guys. I love sex with him, not just sex in general. I have told him what he did was not acceptable, and I donít like being made to feel guilty about desiring my boyfriend. He says he knows it's all his issue and he's sorry, but I donít know if it can ever be the same. The rejection was so awful it broke my heart. Can men develop these sorts of issues, really? I know goodlooking girls can feel commodified but never knew it could be that way for goodlooking guys ? Just after some viewpoints, thanks...
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Old 02-28-2011, 06:41 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can men really feel used after sex?

My H has told me that he thought I was just using him for sex and that that made him feel used. I was floored. Never in my life did I think I'd hear a guy say something like that. He said he resented me for forcing sex on him. WTF?? That crushed all my stereotypes.

I dont know if you should get back together with this guy or not. Just go with your gut.
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Old 02-28-2011, 06:45 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can men really feel used after sex?

The question might have more to do with the age he first started experiencing these feelings. I doubt it starts at age eighteen to twenty. Not sure if the same happened to him, but reading between the lines in your post and picturing a girl instead of a guy might help you understand why guys just keep this to themselves.

The first time I told my fiance about having sex with older girls at eleven and twelve, she literally laughed. It didn't really bother me, but I was trying to explain why I didn't relate well to her friends.

I just remember my sisters always having their friends over, and so many just picking on their cute younger brother (me). So, I had lots of sex with highschoolers, neighbors, and even my friends mother. I really really enjoyed college, but thought of women as someone you couldn't trust. Problem is, I've never had a relationship with a woman that didn't turn sexual in some way. I've never cheated on my wife, but after a few tense situations where her friends came over when she was out of town, I just settled on being aloof. What they think is arrogance is just me being confused.

I definately don't feel like you described him feeling, but I just feel odd.

My wife tells her friends about my vacations with our kids. Sometimes, her schedule and mine were so busy that we would sometimes take vacations separately (although we made sure to have several together each year). When you have a guy who shows up at Sea World alone with his kids, people just want to help. My kids, now adults, can't understand why every vacation with me had a different woman in the picture. We talk about the SeaWorld trip with June, or skying with Beth, etc, plus whatever kid the single mother had with her that day.
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Old 02-28-2011, 07:59 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can men really feel used after sex?

Thanks so much for your posts. Halien I found what you said to be extremely interesting:

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Originally Posted by Halien View Post
The first time I told my fiance about having sex with older girls at eleven and twelve, she literally laughed. It didn't really bother me, but I was trying to explain why I didn't relate well to her friends.

I just remember my sisters always having their friends over, and so many just picking on their cute younger brother (me). So, I had lots of sex with highschoolers, neighbors, and even my friends mother. I really really enjoyed college, but thought of women as someone you couldn't trust.
He lost his virginity at 12, and he also had lots of girls approach him just for sex. Obviously he found it fun for a while but it would generally start to be off-putting for him, particularly when girls would come up to him in clubs and want to do it in the bathroom. He doesn't respect these sorts of women, and although he knows I am not like that I think because of these issues he finds it hard to believe that my love for him is based on something other than the physical. He knows now after hurting me that I truly did love him... it's sad that it took breaking my heart for him to see how much I love him. He is physically beautiful and I guess I thought he was more confident than he is. Never once in the relationship did I wonder why we were together and if it was real (apart from after that last horrible weekend). It always felt real to me. He told me that 50 percent of him felt that it was real and was happy and 50 percent didn't quite trust me, and thought I only wanted him for his looks.

He told me a couple of times during the relationship that he felt I used him for sex and I would just laugh it off, as I just thought it was a comment about my high sex drive. I guess what Blanca said is true, we women have this stereotype that men want to feel desired by lots of women, but I guess the reality might be different if that's all you've had throughout your life.As an attractive female society teaches you that it's okay to spurn lots of advances but young boys that have lots of opportunity and aren't promiscuous might feel a little lost. I just can't believe he would interpret my need to be close to him as that, which is why it hurt. I understand it a bit better now... Anyone have anymore insights?

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Old 02-28-2011, 08:58 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can men really feel used after sex?

No previous experience with other ladies, just one in my life an there was even for me a time at the start I felt the same way. I can't remember why and it went away after a few weeks, but I did feel it. Guess it was because she has always been sexually open about sex. Not what she liked perse, but that she wanted to do it.
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Old 03-01-2011, 05:21 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can men really feel used after sex?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fee_ View Post
My ex boyfriend and I had a talk this week about why we broke up. He was really mean to me and emotionally abusive one weekend. He sexually rejected me, ignored me and was mean. He was going through stress but there is never any excuse for meanness so I dumped him. He has since apologised to me many times and spent 7 months trying to win me back. I still love him but am having difficulty trusting him because he took out his bad mood on me, and I didnít understand what had sparked all the horrible things he said. During the talk this weekend it came out that he is so used to women just wanting him for sex he had a hard time believing I could genuinely be so nice and care about him, and sometimes felt like I just loved his body. This, as well as general stress, is why he lashed out the way he did. This is ALL his issue. I loved him, I showed him all the time, and it wasnít just physical, and he says he realises it now, but because heís been hurt in the past he couldnít believe I didnít just want a superficial relationship. Itís almost like the was testing me...
He sexually rejected you as a form of control, because he was abusive and wanted erode your self confidence. I don't believe for one second that he believed you were using him for sex.


Quote:
I just want to know if this is a genuine response for any men out there. He is extremely good looking and does have people hitting on him all the time. I have been with him when it happens and I know it bothers him but I am hurt he could think I was like that. He is also from a culture where girls are very forward and loose, which he dislikes, but I have not been with many guys. I love sex with him, not just sex in general. I have told him what he did was not acceptable, and I donít like being made to feel guilty about desiring my boyfriend. He says he knows it's all his issue and he's sorry, but I donít know if it can ever be the same. The rejection was so awful it broke my heart. Can men develop these sorts of issues, really? I know goodlooking girls can feel commodified but never knew it could be that way for goodlooking guys ? Just after some viewpoints, thanks...
I don't doubt it could happen, but I really don't think that was what was happening here, unless you treated him like he was only good for sex, which you didn't. And I believe most women still want committed relationships, not that some don't have one night stands or whatever, but even if that was true he would have met many women who wanted something more.

Sounds like a BS story to me.
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Old 03-01-2011, 05:36 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Sounds like a BS story to me.
Thanks for your comments. Yes I am very aware that it was abusive and I have told him so. It hurt me so badly and I read a lot about emotionally abusive relationships as well. This is the reason why I have not gone back to him 7 months later. I know he has a problem with passive aggressive anger. I'm not disputing or excusing what happened. He was in the wrong and I have told him time and time again that it was a big deal and not acceptable. And he has admitted that he was feeling like sh1t and wanted to make me feel some of that too.... It was no joke. We are only now just talking 7 months after what happened.

I guess I wanted to see if this scenario has rung true for any men out there, because this 'BS' story has only now come up after countless conversations about that weekend. My biggest question was 'why'. I hadn't done anything, why would he be angry at me...? He kept saying he didn't have a reason, just that he was angry in general and acted like an a$$hole, but then when we were just relaxing and not talking about stuff he just came out with the fact that he sometimes felt that way, even though deep down he knew it was unfounded. I believe he did feel that way, because, as I mentioned before, he had said similar things in the relationship... And my sex drive is quite high, previous lovers have mentioned it before. This does not give him a pass, excuse him, or make me forget the abuse. I am just curious to see if other guys can relate to that scenario. Thanks so much for your answer.

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Old 03-01-2011, 07:12 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can men really feel used after sex?

Quote:
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He sexually rejected you as a form of control, because he was abusive and wanted erode your self confidence. I don't believe for one second that he believed you were using him for sex.

.
You admitted that he lost his virginity at 12. Some of the replies here show perfectly well the double standards regarding sexual abuse. It can affect women, and we feel sorry for them. With men, if they act out any way, we call it BS.

If your guy can't get over it, and abuses you, then it becomes his problem, but still, if you think its worth saving, just keep in mind that he may be very immature in relationships.

If he's like me, its more of a trust issue. It's not as much that he thinks you're using him as much as he wants to know that you won't respond sexually in the presence of another guy.

It's hard to speak on the subject of abuse in men's lives, and maybe his life isn't like mine. To put it mildly, I've just seen the darker parts of both sexes when I would've rather been playing marbles with the guys. I put that life behind and raised a very stable family.
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Old 03-01-2011, 07:13 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can men really feel used after sex?

i can be "used" more than she could ever want
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Old 03-01-2011, 07:39 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
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You admitted that he lost his virginity at 12. Some of the replies here show perfectly well the double standards regarding sexual abuse. It can affect women, and we feel sorry for them. With men, if they act out any way, we call it BS.

If he's like me, its more of a trust issue. It's not as much that he thinks you're using him as much as he wants to know that you won't respond sexually in the presence of another guy.

It's hard to speak on the subject of abuse in men's lives, and maybe his life isn't like mine. To put it mildly, I've just seen the darker parts of both sexes when I would've rather been playing marbles with the guys. I put that life behind and raised a very stable family.
Thanks, him losing his v-card aged 12 wasn't abuse per se. The girl was young too. I don't think 12, but young, and he consented... but how can anyone really 'consent' at such a young age I guess...

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If your guy can't get over it, and abuses you, then it becomes his problem, but still, if you think its worth saving, just keep in mind that he may be very immature in relationships.
This is the real issue here, and one that I am struggling with. I love him, he can be incredibly sweet and loving but immaturity rears its ugly head and I am not certain I could handle anymore of his issues or anything when he feels like lashing out. He says losing me has helped him learn a lot, but maybe that's just what i want to believe...? It was a few bad instances in our year long relationship, and he has been lovely / admitted fault in the 7 months since, but right now he's trying to win me back so i am trying to judge him on past actions, and yes these were very immature...

I guess I have to accept I have seen him at his worst. Part of him is happier now because he thinks we know each other better after what he put us through. He knows my limits and I know his 'issues'. I don't know if I can trust he has grown up enough in this time apart. I can take on board the fact that we all have baggage regarding the opposite sex in relationships, but it's not an excuse for hurting someone...I know that I definitely can't tolerate anything like what happened again. He is also new to the country, and the dynamic of relationships is different where he's from, so I have cut him a little slack in that regard, but anyone can have a string of bad experiences, wherever they're from, and it doesn't have to affect their current situation (myself a case in point). I think my bad experiences made me cut him off so quickly once he showed me this side. I know I have my issues too, as we all do... Just came on here to get some insight into his really... helping a lot, thanks,

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Old 03-01-2011, 07:49 AM   #11 (permalink)
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i can be "used" more than she could ever want
haha..
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Old 03-01-2011, 08:28 AM   #12 (permalink)
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i can be "used" more than she could ever want
Yeah, same for me as well Strange huh? Going from do you really love me to yeah, gimme as much as you want XD
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Old 03-01-2011, 09:18 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Yeah, same for me as well Strange huh? Going from do you really love me to yeah, gimme as much as you want XD
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Yeah that's him too. You guys really can be puzzling... I had an icebucket on standby the last few times I saw him, he was so eager to get into my pants.
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Old 03-01-2011, 03:18 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can men really feel used after sex?

Well, once I realized that wasn't the case, I felt very loved. Now I can't wait till next time. And she still wants it often. Hearing this is never good. For either side it would be a blow. But it takes an amazing partner to continue and still love you as much.

If he really changes, good for you. But keep a watch on things for now though. Important to know if it is not just because he wants you back.
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