Frustrated with Married Sex Life
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-06-2011, 07:18 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Frustrated with Married Sex Life

My wife and I have been married for over 2 and a half years and been together for 5. We're in our mid 20's and we have no kids, it's just me and her. As with any person in my situation, the sex was great and frequent at first but now it's just not happening. We have sex once a month but now its been 4 months since our last time.

I sat my wife down and told her how frustrated I am with our lack of sex. I need sex. I can't think straight, I get angry and frustrated, I feel rejected and alone without it. I need to make love to her. I need to express my love physically. She explains that she never thinks about sex. She doesn't see it as necessary and can live without it.

I asked her what would make you want to have sex with me. Whenever we have engaging conversations, discussing issues and politics and current events, I become more attractive. I understand that this is what she wants and I can do this but I feel this won't fulfill my needs and will cause us to go back into a once a month slump. And when I do comply to what she wants, since she doesn't see sex as necessary, I feel I'm just getting sex out of pity. I don't want to jump through hoops for once a month pity sex.

As for dealing with my frustration and anger about not getting any, she told me I should just jerk off. I did not get married to jerk off. Sex is more than just a release for me. It's about intimacy, to keep me from temptation, to bond closer, and to acquire a more emotional connection that only a husband and wife can experience. Jerking off is not what I want out of this marriage.

Now, when we do have sex, it is great for both of us. I'm not selfish, I respect her and don't do anything she's not comfortable with, and I'm able to make her have multiple orgasms. When sex is like this, I feel like you'd want it again and again. But, she doesn't.

I've gone through the nice guy threads and have been following them. I work out daily, I'm in great shape, I hang out with my friends, pursue my interests, provide for my wife's needs, fix things around the house, but it doesn't resolve that she doesn't feel the need for sex.

I want to stay with her but I can't live the rest of my life frustrated and disappointed in our sex life.
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Old 03-06-2011, 08:40 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Frustrated with Married Sex Life

Sorry to hear this. The best explanation for this would probably be in the book, His Needs, Her Needs. It goes into the differences in female and male needs. You should probably both read it.

My other suggestion would be to figure out her love language. There's a book, The 5 Love Languages, but also a website. Just google it and you can take a quiz. This helped me and my H quite a bit with the intimacy thing.

How is the general affection between the two of you? Nonsexual touches? Conversation? Cuddling?
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Old 03-06-2011, 09:27 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Frustrated with Married Sex Life

Hello, and sorry to read about your situation. To Lonely's last point, the 5 Love Languages are helpful because everyone views different kinds of actions as loving to them. Person A wants their partner to show their love by doing certain things and Person B wants to show their love by doing others. If you don't do the "correct" things often enough (i.e., speak THEIR love language) there can be a disconnect.

But from an even less detailed level, sex is so different for all the people in the world. Even if you speak the right language, so to speak, other things are still necessary. She has to be interested in sex (which it sounds like she's not). She has to be physically attracted to you. You mention that you've gone through the Nice Guy posts. Another site that may help you is marriedmansexlife.com. (Disclaimer: I haven't used the information on there to my own benefit like I have the 5LLs; however, the information there gets considerable positive feedback.)

Hopefully, your situation is not to the point where you have to basically demand that your needs for intimacy be met or there will be further consequences. From what I've read about the Nice Guy syndrome, which I suffer from, it seems like you need to focus on boundary setting with your wife. Personally, I'm not in favor of prescribing a certain number or any kind of sexual acts, but you should not have to be in a marriage devoid of all physical intimacy. In short, it may be time to lay out the consequences her actions could precipitate.

Hope all goes well!
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Old 03-06-2011, 09:54 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Frustrated with Married Sex Life

What is it that you do that meets her needs, and makes her value you and the marriage?

Once you identify it ... stop doing it.

That will get her attention and cast the issue in an entirely different light.

If you are here NOW, in your twenties and childless, you don't have to look around here much to discover where you will end up.

Don't let it happen. Take charge of your life; with or without your wife.
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Old 03-06-2011, 11:59 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Frustrated with Married Sex Life

Thanks for the suggestions so far.
Quote:
My other suggestion would be to figure out her love language. There's a book, The 5 Love Languages, but also a website. Just google it and you can take a quiz. This helped me and my H quite a bit with the intimacy thing.

How is the general affection between the two of you? Nonsexual touches? Conversation? Cuddling?
I googled the test and I could tell without a doubt of wife's love language is receiving gifts. She's an ambitiously possessive girl and loves gifts more than anything else. It's something I get better with as our relationship progress.

As for general affection, we show it daily to each other. We hold hands, hug, kiss (no more than a peck), cuddle when we watch TV and before bed, give each other back rubs... It rarely leads to anything though. Hell, even when we cuddle, I hint towards sex by sensually touching her in subtle, sensitive areas. She doesn't get the hint. I confronted her about this and she said I'm missing steps between sensual touching and sex. I asked her what they were and she shrugged. /facepalm.

Quote:
But from an even less detailed level, sex is so different for all the people in the world. Even if you speak the right language, so to speak, other things are still necessary. She has to be interested in sex (which it sounds like she's not). She has to be physically attracted to you. You mention that you've gone through the Nice Guy posts. Another site that may help you is marriedmansexlife.com. (Disclaimer: I haven't used the information on there to my own benefit like I have the 5LLs; however, the information there gets considerable positive feedback.)
I've frequented marriedmansexlife.com, especially the alpha/beta sections. Being more alpha has boosted my self-esteem but left little to no impression on my wife. She likes how I'm more responsible, confident, and commanding but it doesn't produce the desired results. I lay on more of the alpha but it makes her see me as an overconfident jerk. One complaint she always had was how underweight I was. I was underweight and in the past 2 months, I've been working out constantly and I've gained 20 pounds of mostly muscle. She's happy that I've done this but it's done nothing to increase her physical attraction in me. I shopped for new clothes too that she says I look good in, but still I don't see and increase in attraction.

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What is it that you do that meets her needs, and makes her value you and the marriage?

Once you identify it ... stop doing it.

That will get her attention and cast the issue in an entirely different light.
Makes sense. I'm being deprived while trying to please her. I don't want to be a jerk and come off like I don't love her but I'd rather do this than continue to hear her tell me that she loves me but doesn't want to fulfill my needs. I'll have to work on this.

A question I have is when I was discussing this with my wife, she felt that I think I should get sex because we're married. I do feel this way but I feel that since we both love each other, we pursue to fulfill each others needs in the relationship. Since sex is a need for me, and I've made this clear to her, I feel that she should be pursuing to fulfill that need out of love for me. Am I out of line to think this way?
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Old 03-06-2011, 01:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Frustrated with Married Sex Life

Go read my post on setting the "thermostat" in the marriage. Yours is too high. Deejo is right.

Sadly - being frustrated and tense - which is TOTALLY normal for what is happening - just makes it worse. Dropping the emotional temperature in the relationship while remaining fun, upbeat and good to be around (when you ARE around, which will be less), will likely produce a surprisingly positive result.


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Originally Posted by anotheraccount44 View Post
Thanks for the suggestions so far. I googled the test and I could tell without a doubt of wife's love language is receiving gifts. She's an ambitiously possessive girl and loves gifts more than anything else. It's something I get better with as our relationship progress.

As for general affection, we show it daily to each other. We hold hands, hug, kiss (no more than a peck), cuddle when we watch TV and before bed, give each other back rubs... It rarely leads to anything though. Hell, even when we cuddle, I hint towards sex by sensually touching her in subtle, sensitive areas. She doesn't get the hint. I confronted her about this and she said I'm missing steps between sensual touching and sex. I asked her what they were and she shrugged. /facepalm.


I've frequented marriedmansexlife.com, especially the alpha/beta sections. Being more alpha has boosted my self-esteem but left little to no impression on my wife. She likes how I'm more responsible, confident, and commanding but it doesn't produce the desired results. I lay on more of the alpha but it makes her see me as an overconfident jerk. One complaint she always had was how underweight I was. I was underweight and in the past 2 months, I've been working out constantly and I've gained 20 pounds of mostly muscle. She's happy that I've done this but it's done nothing to increase her physical attraction in me. I shopped for new clothes too that she says I look good in, but still I don't see and increase in attraction.



Makes sense. I'm being deprived while trying to please her. I don't want to be a jerk and come off like I don't love her but I'd rather do this than continue to hear her tell me that she loves me but doesn't want to fulfill my needs. I'll have to work on this.

A question I have is when I was discussing this with my wife, she felt that I think I should get sex because we're married. I do feel this way but I feel that since we both love each other, we pursue to fulfill each others needs in the relationship. Since sex is a need for me, and I've made this clear to her, I feel that she should be pursuing to fulfill that need out of love for me. Am I out of line to think this way?
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Old 03-09-2011, 06:18 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Frustrated with Married Sex Life

Just an update:

I'm very close with my in-laws. I spoke with my father-in-law and he agreed that my wife is being irrational in this situation. Not only him, but all of my in-laws feel this way. He even told me that if she doesn't change her stance on the necessity of sex that he'd support my decision in getting a divorce.

I've turned my thermostat down significantly (I was way too hot) and I've noticed some changes but nothing significant yet. I'm going to keep pushing this issue till I get some. Otherwise, I'm getting out of this.
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Old 03-09-2011, 10:13 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Frustrated with Married Sex Life

OK, first discussing it with your father-in-law is just wrong. if you think you aren't getting any now, just wait until she finds out about that.

Nothing, NOTHING, gets discussed with the in-laws unless it's life-threatening.

Not sure how the "thermostat" thing is supposed to work, but I have to say that when I was having an affair and had substantially cooled regarding being intimate with my wife (because my sexual needs were being addressed elsewhere), she admitted that she was happy I wasn't "bothering" her for sex.

I had the following discussion with my wife. When she told me what she needed to feel interested in having sex with me, I pointed out specific actions I had taken along those lines.

For example, she said she likes "dates". I pointed out at least eight "dates" we had taken over the course of a no-sex period.

She said she feels closer when we take walks together. Again, I pointed out numerous walks over the same time period.

I explained to her that I agreed to monogamy, but not to celibacy and if she didn't feel sex was important in the marriage, then nor should monogamy be important.

It worked for me, but your mileage may vary.
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Old 03-09-2011, 12:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Frustrated with Married Sex Life

OMG, ALL of your inlaws know?!? She will feel betrayed from that. Plus, you already have them taking your side in the divorce. YIKES!

Here are some ideas and thoughts:

Have you tried the "10 second kiss" from Athol's blog?
Have you tried chasing her around the house and then capturing her and turning it into sex?
Have you tried putting her up against a wall (like in the hall) and pulling her to you and kissing her passionately?
Have you tried a tickle/wrestle fight?
Have you tried pouncing on the bed and playfully mauling her neck?
Have you tried the backrub idea thingy on Athol's blog?
Do you flirt with her and tease her?
Have you tried sexting her during the day?
Do you kiss the back of her neck or put your hand on her waist and pull her to you?

It sounds like she is telling you that quality conversation is one of her love languages. I swear to you that talking to my husband for an hour with no interruption turns me on. You need to start looking at it as foreplay. You refer to this as a want rather than a need, but it is a need.

You think that gifts is her love language...have her take the quiz to be sure. If it is find little ways to give to her a couple times a week. Little things like notes count.

When you touch your wife in sensual spots what is your expectation? It sounds to me like you expect her then to turn it into sex and she is expecting you to turn it into sex. Neither of you do so you both lose.

If your wife is letting you touch her sensually that is a GO for launch!

And no, you are not out of line for thinking that your wife should fulfill your needs and you fulfill hers. Sounds like what most people want from marriage.
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Old 03-10-2011, 09:45 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Frustrated with Married Sex Life

you are young and so is she. doesnt sound like a good fit. you only have two years in, dont let it turn into twenty. go find someone more compatible, its still early. stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. every body aint for every body dude and you are headed towards making each other miserable for the next twenty years. She probably isnt going to change significantly enough. Hell you told her you had a need and she gave u the ole eff you by telling your to jerk off. life is too short for that bs.

just my 2 cents
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