How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 91Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 116 (permalink) Old 10-30-2014, 05:16 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 680
Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

I heartily support couples having whatever fetishes they like, even those I'd struggle to watch, much less want to try.

What troubles me is when one partner tries to inflict their 'special' desires on an unwilling partner.

The desired act is irrelevant. It only matters that one partner is insistant on something that the other doesn't like. It's no different than the guy who tries to coerce a reluctant partner into giving him a BJ, or the porn-raised virgin teen who thinks his first girlfriend is weird if she's not into anal.

Essentially, adults pressuring their partners is inconsiderate, immature and disrespectful.

In this instance, it's not like Lisa hasn't tried. She's gone above and beyond the call of duty,, it just doesn't rock her boat.

I think you need to put your foot down, Lisa. You seem game for anything 1-on-1 so it's not like he's stuck with a LD, lights out, missionary only prude. He needs to focus on what he has,, and what he might lose,, instead of fixating on the one thing that upsets you.

Otherwise, all I can suggest is the following as a 'happy medium' if you're comfortable with it. How about letting him watch threesome porn while he's 'doing' you? If it gets him going and saves you from the pressure of having a 2nd guy in your boudoir, it might work. Unless the only threesome he's interested in is one that involves you.
Posted via Mobile Device
Flying_Dutchman is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 116 (permalink) Old 10-30-2014, 05:28 PM
Member
 
Catherine602's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,362
Why are you letting this happen to you? He does not care for you enough to protect you so you must protect yourself. You are responsible for your physical and mental health. You've already had bad experiences and you have expressed reservations. Yet he begs you to continue to put yourself in jeopardy. Your husband do longer sees you as a person with feelings. You are useful because you have the right parts for his use.

Maybe you will be able to love yourself and respect your right to be more than a body with sex organs. I hope so. One thing that will help is to see a lawyer and get him out by formally separating and starting the D process. Either he wakes up or he is out to deal with his mental problems. You don't owe him the use of your body. Women up, please.

Last edited by Catherine602; 10-30-2014 at 10:11 PM.
Catherine602 is offline  
post #18 of 116 (permalink) Old 10-30-2014, 05:47 PM
Member
 
ConanHub's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Abroad. Currently Arizona.
Posts: 7,335
Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa2marie View Post
Bandit.45 I totally respect that and that is your right. I hope your just not trying to judge me.
He is not judging you. He, like me, does not get this crazy urge to watch our SO take some strange d!ck in front of us!

Honestly, the whole reason you are here with marriage problems is because you took some strange d!ck in front of your husband and you don't like it.

He needs therapy for his addiction or he needs to find someone as freaky as himself. That is obviously not you.

You need therapy to figure out why you do not have good boundaries and are willing to wh0re yourself out for your H's kink.
ConanHub is offline  
post #19 of 116 (permalink) Old 10-31-2014, 03:20 PM
Member
 
firebelly1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 1,369
Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

Hi Lisa - It sounds to me like you aren't opposed to doing this once in a while, you just don't want it to be the ONLY thing that excites your husband about sex with you, is that right?

One aspect of that is that you might not be getting things sexually from him that you want in which case you can say "Ok, we'll do this once in a while, but we are also going to do what I want to do." He can't come up with sexy texts about anything else? He's not trying hard enough.

But it sounds like the other aspect of this is you want him to want YOU as you and not you only when you are with another guy. Is that right? That's trickier. But maybe the advice is the same - you do this once in a while but the rest of the time his attention is focused on you alone and he needs to make an effort to do that for you.

DoL: Bones are for dogs. Meat is for men.
firebelly1 is offline  
post #20 of 116 (permalink) Old 10-31-2014, 04:48 PM
Member
 
Catherine602's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,362
Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

Quote:
Originally Posted by firebelly1 View Post
Hi Lisa - It sounds to me like you aren't opposed to doing this once in a while, you just don't want it to be the ONLY thing that excites your husband about sex with you, is that right?

One aspect of that is that you might not be getting things sexually from him that you want in which case you can say "Ok, we'll do this once in a while, but we are also going to do what I want to do." He can't come up with sexy texts about anything else? He's not trying hard enough.

But it sounds like the other aspect of this is you want him to want YOU as you and not you only when you are with another guy. Is that right? That's trickier. But maybe the advice is the same - you do this once in a while but the rest of the time his attention is focused on you alone and he needs to make an effort to do that for you.
What I see is that her husband is obsessed with using his wife for his sexual pleasure. She should not open the door one inch, she needs to close this door and lock it. That is part of the way towards making her home a safe harbor again. The other is to get him out of her life.

There are men who have the capacity for empathy, compassion and feel a duty to preserving the peace and safety of his home, his woman and children. Right now her husband is a blind slave to his pleasure. He is not a man to depend upon or trusted.

If he is unhappy with her, he has the option of divorcing and finding women who like being shared. He does not need to suffer from being denied his craving. It's a win-win for both of them.

My magic wand would remove shame from sexuality for all! Anon Pink
Catherine602 is offline  
post #21 of 116 (permalink) Old 10-31-2014, 08:46 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 128
How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602 View Post
What I see is that her husband is obsessed with using his wife for his sexual pleasure. She should not open the door one inch, she needs to close this door and lock it. That is part of the way towards making her home a safe harbor again. The other is to get him out of her life.

There are men who have the capacity for empathy, compassion and feel a duty to preserving the peace and safety of his home, his woman and children. Right now her husband is a blind slave to his pleasure. He is not a man to depend upon or trusted.

If he is unhappy with her, he has the option of divorcing and finding women who like being shared. He does not need to suffer from being denied his craving. It's a win-win for both of them.

Good grief he introduced swinging and wasn't it her who said "if he brings it up again I'll bite"? "Things were so good and hot after that first time". Sounds like she was playing too it...

None of this happens without the interest of both parties. I tried to get in my wife's ass for 15 years never happened. But a 3 way with a woman I worked with wasn't a hard sell because it turned her on. Women don't just go banging other dudes in front of their husband without being intrigued by the idea.
cuchulain36 is offline  
post #22 of 116 (permalink) Old 10-31-2014, 10:13 PM
Member
 
Catherine602's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,362
Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

She was intrigued, tried it and liked it at first. She had bad experiences and does not like it anymore. She is autonomous and allowed to stop if it's no longer fun for her. The agreement was not a promise to have threesomes in perpetuity. Her husband has to abide by her decision. He is autonomous and not bound to never have a woman who is intrigued by being shared. It is just won't be the OP.

My magic wand would remove shame from sexuality for all! Anon Pink

Last edited by Catherine602; 10-31-2014 at 10:18 PM.
Catherine602 is offline  
post #23 of 116 (permalink) Old 11-01-2014, 10:13 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 680
Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

Agreed, Catherine.

It's not his fetish that's the problem - some people think having the lights on is kinky - it's the fact that he's pressuring Lisa into fulfilling it.

My 'jury' was out regarding the level of his empathy but I've re-read the OP and it's not impressive.

Lisa's done her best and seems to've discovered the truism that the fantasy is seldom met by the reality.

He needs to back down and stop telling Lisa she's inadequate. He should count himself lucky she went as far as she did.

If he can't let IT go, he should let HER go. I'm sure plenty of guys would respect her boundaries. She sure doesn't come across as a prude. A trier is a keeper.
Posted via Mobile Device
Flying_Dutchman is offline  
post #24 of 116 (permalink) Old 11-01-2014, 11:51 AM
Member
 
Catherine602's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,362
Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

FD you said what I was trying to say only better. I don't see that her husband coerced her in any way to begin with. But I think he is being coercive now and that is not right.

My magic wand would remove shame from sexuality for all! Anon Pink
Catherine602 is offline  
post #25 of 116 (permalink) Old 11-01-2014, 04:33 PM
Member
 
NoChoice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 1,320
Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
I just don't get this cuckold/hotwife thing. I just don't. I guess I'm not that highly evolved.

I couldn't watch the woman I loved being railed by another guy.
Bandit,it's actually the exact opposite. The act of another male having your female stimulates a region of the brain referred to as the limbic system. It's function, in our evolution, was to cause strong motivation prompting the male to stop another male's advances and then reaffirm his dominance by inseminating the female in question demonstrating his virility.

This drive is very strong in most males which is the reason that it works when other forms of "arousal" do not. As evolved beings, we now have the intellect to assert logic and reason over the instinctual drives in our brains but not always.

With logic and reason it is easy to understand that this form of "arousal" is fraught with peril to monogamous relationships because of the high possibility of unintended consequences. It is playing with fire because the female instinctual drive is to find the "best" male specimen in order to provide the highest probability of producing viable offspring. If she is lacking the intellect necessary to fight those urges, another male can, at any given time, become more appealing than the current one.


In any event, the issue here is not this instinctual drive but rather the fact that her H cannot use logic and reason to squelch it in light of the fact that she does not care for it. His instinct is overriding his intellect. This could end very badly not only because of what I stated above but also because the OP does not like it and is trying to make him understand this. His failure to do so may cause her to consciously, or subconsciously, sabotage the relationship.

Lisa2,
You should discuss this with your H and tell him that this makes you uncomfortable and is not something you enjoy. You have already said that he has agreed not to do it so leave it at that. You are not "depriving" him by refusing to do what makes you uneasy. Is he allowed to sleep with whomever he pleases? Are you depriving him of that? Of course not, that is just part of being in a mature relationship with someone you care about.

Also, with all the information available today with a little effort and research on your part you may find alternative sources of arousal that work almost as well and that you are comfortable with.
NoChoice is offline  
post #26 of 116 (permalink) Old 11-01-2014, 06:51 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 73
Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

The theory behind why men want to share their wives. Its called sperm competition! Goes something like this. He watches you have sex and wants to compete sexually with the other male to produce offspring. After watching you have sex he will be harder than normal. He is going trust harder and deeper and both testicles are going to release sperm giving him a more pleasurable powerful orgasm. Without the competition usually only one testicle releases sperm and the orgasm becomes routine/everyday thing. Your body is capable sex with several men for hours taking turns with you, it you let it. Being in competition both men are capable of multi-orgasms themselves. Always play safe.
Melvynman is offline  
post #27 of 116 (permalink) Old 11-01-2014, 08:52 PM
Member
 
Catherine602's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,362
Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

Mel that may be true in lower forms of life.

My magic wand would remove shame from sexuality for all! Anon Pink
Catherine602 is offline  
post #28 of 116 (permalink) Old 11-01-2014, 10:51 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 1,177
Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

Quote:
Originally Posted by NoChoice View Post
Bandit,it's actually the exact opposite. The act of another male having your female stimulates a region of the brain referred to as the limbic system. It's function, in our evolution, was to cause strong motivation prompting the male to stop another male's advances and then reaffirm his dominance by inseminating the female in question demonstrating his virility.

This drive is very strong in most males which is the reason that it works when other forms of "arousal" do not. As evolved beings, we now have the intellect to assert logic and reason over the instinctual drives in our brains but not always.

With logic and reason it is easy to understand that this form of "arousal" is fraught with peril to monogamous relationships because of the high possibility of unintended consequences. It is playing with fire because the female instinctual drive is to find the "best" male specimen in order to provide the highest probability of producing viable offspring. If she is lacking the intellect necessary to fight those urges, another male can, at any given time, become more appealing than the current one.


In any event, the issue here is not this instinctual drive but rather the fact that her H cannot use logic and reason to squelch it in light of the fact that she does not care for it. His instinct is overriding his intellect. This could end very badly not only because of what I stated above but also because the OP does not like it and is trying to make him understand this. His failure to do so may cause her to consciously, or subconsciously, sabotage the relationship.

Lisa2,
You should discuss this with your H and tell him that this makes you uncomfortable and is not something you enjoy. You have already said that he has agreed not to do it so leave it at that. You are not "depriving" him by refusing to do what makes you uneasy. Is he allowed to sleep with whomever he pleases? Are you depriving him of that? Of course not, that is just part of being in a mature relationship with someone you care about.

Also, with all the information available today with a little effort and research on your part you may find alternative sources of arousal that work almost as well and that you are comfortable with.
Thank you Mach Jr.
RClawson is offline  
post #29 of 116 (permalink) Old 11-02-2014, 12:52 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 680
Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

The flaw in your limbic system/instinct point is, put simply - Yes, both genders are wired to compete for viable mates but, by letting him put a ring on her finger, Lisa let him know that he'd won the competition. The question therefore becomes, why does he have an overwhelming need to keep replaying a tournament he's already won? Just like a Wimbledon winner, keep playing the same final over and over again and the runner-up will eventually win.

He's actually fighting his limbic insticts which have already done their job. He's inviting competition (and failure) where none is necessary when he should be basking in his glory and polishing his 'trophy', not treating her like a worthless trinket.

A need to keep proving himself (to himself) or a desire to fail. Who knows? Whatever it is, it's something psychological in the 'higher' brain. If it weren't, we'd all be marching our WAGs off to swapping parties.
Posted via Mobile Device
Flying_Dutchman is offline  
post #30 of 116 (permalink) Old 11-02-2014, 04:47 AM
Member
 
Theseus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Missouri
Posts: 1,519
Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602 View Post
What I see is that her husband is obsessed with using his wife for his sexual pleasure. She should not open the door one inch, she needs to close this door and lock it. That is part of the way towards making her home a safe harbor again. The other is to get him out of her life.
Holy Cow, Catherine, why not advise the OP to call the police while you are at it? We are talking about adults here who have made their own choices. Not every woman is a "victim" just because she and her husband have different sexual tastes.

Couples "use" each other for sexual pleasure. My wife and I do it all the time! There's nothing sinister in that. In fact, it's one of the main reasons why people get married in the first place.

And a lot of people are making this issue more complicated than it is. Why the husband has this fetish doesn't really matter. At it's core, this is simply an issue of a couple who are not fully sexually compatible. Basically, the OP sees some aspects of this fantasy as arousing, but her desire is not in sync with her husband's. Her husband on the other hand, has an obsession with this fantasy only, but stopped asking his wife to do it. However, that's like a dog trying not to bark or a fish trying not to swim. He's not going to be able just to forget about it.

Lisa2Marie, here are your options as I see them:
  1. Discuss this with your husband and a therapist to find some kind of compromise that would work for both of you (the preferred method)
  2. Tell husband to forget about it, and so he will remain unsatisfied
  3. Go through the motions for your husband's sake, leaving you miserable
  4. Divorce him and find someone more compatible

Simply put, the issue is solvable, but no solution here will be easy.

Last edited by Theseus; 11-02-2014 at 04:58 AM.
Theseus is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I Fantasy my Wife having Sex with another man while I Watch Gooch78 Sex in Marriage 47 03-10-2014 09:51 PM
How to handle husbands insecurity anony2 General Relationship Discussion 8 08-22-2012 10:16 PM
Husbands Fantasy angiewatson17 Sex in Marriage 37 01-25-2012 05:41 AM
Cant forgive husbands fantasy into reality! pollyanne Considering Divorce or Separation 15 09-22-2009 11:29 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome