How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #76 of 100 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 11:23 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

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Sorry to let you down sunsi
Its "sensei"...
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post #77 of 100 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 11:39 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

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Its "sensei"...
Mercy is for the week, we do not train to be merciful here.
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post #78 of 100 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 08:45 AM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

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Mercy is for the week, we do not train to be merciful here.
It's "weak", not "week".
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post #79 of 100 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 11:53 AM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

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First off you simply had bad sex with a guy. Your husband is excited because he is programed to be excited by you having sex with someone else. You might try being a "hot wife." You pick your dates. You don't have to have sex with anybody you don't want to. If you go on a date don't tell your husband anything. When he asks tell him you don't kiss and tell. He is going to be very excited. I will tell you exactly what he is going to do. He is going to want to perform oral sex on you trying to see if you had sex. Play safe and have fun!
It continues to be true, no matter how disgusting, degrading or potentially harmful something may be there is someone who enjoys it.
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post #80 of 100 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 12:45 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

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I wish we had a couple in that lifestyle that would chime in.

TAM needs a section for non-traditional relationships. As we see more and more variations of them, we have more and more questions to ask.
I agree with you but anyone who tried to contribute positively in such a section would be swamped by the TAM attack pack telling them what idiots they were and leave the forum.

There would be no constructive discussion and nothing gained.
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post #81 of 100 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 12:53 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

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I agree with you but anyone who tried to contribute positively in such a section would be swamped by the TAM attack pack telling them what idiots they were and leave the forum.

There would be no constructive discussion and nothing gained.
I don't have a non-traditional lifestyle, but my training and exposure goes way beyond accepting just my own life and way of living. I try to advocate for non-traditional relationships here in TAM because those type of relationships get little to no help here in these forums.

Open marriages and hotwife marriages get hammered while not a word is said against interracial or same sex marriages. All of them are non-traditional relationships and a specific section should be created for marriage discussion among those lifestyles.

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post #82 of 100 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 03:28 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

I just posted a follow up on this in a different thread:

Meaning of Marriage
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post #83 of 100 (permalink) Old 12-03-2016, 02:15 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

wow your husband really is a lucky guy that you are willing to try these things to please him

one general rule i follow, you should try a kinky sex act twice! The first time it is new and you can not really judge. But if you try it a 2nd time and hate it, then that is it, you simply are not into that particular kinky thing and never need to try it again. never.

but there have to be about a thousand OTHER kinky sex acts, some of which you might get into. MOST do not involve needing to do another man!

in no particular order:

Maybe a threesome, but with another woman (who would presumably be much more gentle with you)
Maybe a threesome, but with a guy you already know who is sensitive/gentle, or has hinted to you he is interested
Maybe role play, where your husband puts on a "disguise" and pretends to pick you up at a bar and seduce you. Or you dress as a female policwoman, and arrest him, and he tries to barter his way out of a ticket....
Bondage (either him or you getting tied up)
various types of sex toys
voyerism, where others watch you, or you watch others
and on and on...

Maybe try approaching this as you research what kinky things you might want to try, then TELL him what you two are going to do that night.

there are fetish websites, like FET LIFE that you can see the thousand or so fetish kinks that people have, and online sites like Adam and Eve to buy the proper accessories to try things out with. Often there are local groups, or meetup, for kinky sex ideas, like learning how to tie bondage ropes and knots.
good luck, and HAVE SOME FUN with it for a change.
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post #84 of 100 (permalink) Old 12-03-2016, 03:31 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

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.. We really are best friends..
You mean you've "friendzoned" him?. Not a good place for an exciting sex life between you ...

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... Maybe , Lisa subconciously, is already losing some attraction for her husband. I mean it happens. It is one of the common issues in cuckold, hot wife, or cuckquean fetishes. Eventually, the relationship may feel pl[a]tonic.
i.e. .. friends
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post #85 of 100 (permalink) Old 12-03-2016, 03:42 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

Nothing wrong with an open marriage as long as both spouses want that. If one spouse feels obligated to do it, or really doesn't want to do it, then it's not an open marriage. It's just one person doing what the other wants out of fear of losing him/her.

Is swinging the same as an open marriage? I've always thought an open marriage is when the spouses date others, without the other one around, and that swinging is when the couple wants to bring others into their sex lives, but together, not separately.

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post #86 of 100 (permalink) Old 12-03-2016, 06:50 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

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I agree with you but anyone who tried to contribute positively in such a section would be swamped by the TAM attack pack telling them what idiots they were and leave the forum.

There would be no constructive discussion and nothing gained.
us non-trad just got to harden up and deal with it.
seriously - if you're in a non-trad and you're non mature enough to deal with the pressure and flak then you're not doing yourself or your partners justice. Take some time out and do a bit more "processing" until you get your head on straight. If you're going to have a purposeful non-trad relationship, you all have to pay extra attention to yourselves and the dynamics - if a bit of internet pressure is too much for you, then the first -real- pangs of frustration and jealousy are going to rip you apart.

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post #87 of 100 (permalink) Old 12-03-2016, 07:08 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

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. So I said ok so beside the "me sleeping with another man" fantasy what else do you get excited about and he says I'm not sure what is there to be excited about after 15 years!!!!wtf?? I'm so scared this is going to ruin us. He says he will not bring it up again but for me it's like wow nothing except for that fantasy excites him!!! Is he ever gonna be truly happy with me??
Personally, and I'm non-trad relationship (poly) so this isn't just a knee reaction. Your man needs to go see a counsellor, and not some Cognitive Behaviour Therapy wally either. He wants someone who can help him reach inside and honestly and without judgementalism find out what excites him about that fetish (mental sexual prop).

Husband is romanticising the other party. There can be many reasons for that.
It also means he's romanticising how such events are going to be and who attends them.

For many people who attend the Swingers events they _want_ distance between them and the others so they don't get too emotionally engaged. It's also a bit of a holding tank where people with damaged relationships can go to find alternative satisfaction/partners. So finding people that "don't fit" and leave you a bit uncomfortable is common (as foot odor...). Most who set up the pairing you're talking about have gone carefully and with a friend guiding, and set up between themselves and one or two other couples, usually outside the main "scene" (and often without it being "public"..ie "political").

Your husband needs to do a bit of honest thinking about what kind of people end up in the Swingers group/Key clubs/Online ads. When he comes to realise that many aren't really his type of person, and that they more resemble the a..hole that cuts you off in traffic, or accidentally knocks your lunch on the floor when getting theirs out of the workplace refrigerator (and then leaves it on the floor for you to clean up), then he'll be less likely to be excited about them.
It does depend on what motivates him though - is it an emotional distance thing? a fear of failure thing? a desire to possess [you] that others value? is it an expression of venus envy/homosexuality? is it a dislike/fear of women? is it a form of objectifying women as a sex object or reducing a woman to a vulva/sex object as a form of distancing himself (either upwards or downwards)? is it a form of transgendering for him? As you see, the root desire could be from many different things, and finding which one(s) will tell you both which way is the way to proceed.

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post #88 of 100 (permalink) Old 12-03-2016, 07:09 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

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Indeed. Respect is even more important in non-conventional relationships.
would imply it is somehow less important in conventional ones...

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post #89 of 100 (permalink) Old 12-03-2016, 07:18 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

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I have fantasized about my wifee having sex with another woman.

This other woman, would trib my wifee, wifee laying back on the bed, and she can't get away or stop it......other woman on top, rubbing her, complete body to body, breasts to breasts......drives me crazy as I type......but I never bring it up anymore, and my fantasy remains just that. We've been married for 15 years. If my wifee was suddenly into this, wants to experiment, I probably wouldn't go through with it in the end, because that is adultery and once you open that pandora's box, you can't close it anymore. The next time, she might do this when I'm at work.....and then again.......and I like women now and want a divorce. You're playing with fire.
Pretty much never works with two women. If the unicorn enters the relationship as interested in the wife, she is seeking an emotional bond. Husbands are always distanced, then excluded as "unnecessary" , although for short-times they may be kept around for their financial advantage. There are far too many girl-only things they can share and go to, making the husband no longer an equal in the relationship, and eventually seen as interferring/demanding.

over 40 yrs researching, exploring, and contracting people about such things - and in that time, neither myself nor anyone else has heard of that relationship going LTR-stable. I think the longest I heard was 8 years (and in that one, the wife went loopy, attacked a bunch of people, and [post prison] ended up a born-again Christian in total denial of her past).

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post #90 of 100 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 12:52 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

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Ok so my husband has had a fantasy of watching me have sex with another guy for years now. A long time ago we did have a threesome with a mutual friend, I felt guilty after the incident, and after that we didn't do it again. Well this past year life had got in the way and we had a boring sex life and I remembered how happy and exciting things were after that one night so I decided if he brought up the subject again I would bite. Well he brought it up and I said I would be open to talking about it and possibly trying it. Needless to say he was excited. So I started reading more about it and I discovered that there were names for this fantasy/fetish called Cuckold and hotwife. We started off going to a swinger party and then joining a website. I warmed up to the idea for a few reasons #1 it sounded hot, two men all over me, #2my husband seemed to be so in love with me. Well I found a guy that seemed "my type" we met a few times, then it "happened". Well the guy seemed perfect, he was good looking, fun, charming but the sexual part I hated, he was really rough I mean not in a hurtful way just very "fast" and not romantic at all. I know that seems weird but I am a lady and regardless of the situation I still wanted that passion. Well after that my husband was obsessed! He fell in love with this new lifestyle but I didn't. It consumed our daily life our sex life and we went to a few more parties and I just couldn't get into it. Actually the last party I ended up crying in a corner because I felt bad that I couldn't do this for my husband. He felt bad and we left and he apologized for upsetting me just for his own pleasure. He says he will not bother me about it again but I know how happy this makes him. Well things were good for us sexually for a while but the last week or so he has been hinting little things like for example tonight he text me from work and said I want to talk dirty to you but I'm trying to be good. So I say well talk dirty to me then and he says I can't because I don't want to upset you I'm trying to change. So I say is that the only dirty way to talk to me. He said it the only thing that comes to mind. So I said ok so beside the "me sleeping with another man" fantasy what else do you get excited about and he says I'm not sure what is there to be excited about after 15 years!!!!wtf?? I'm so scared this is going to ruin us. He says he will not bring it up again but for me it's like wow nothing except for that fantasy excites him!!! Is he ever gonna be truly happy with me??
Hi,

As a man who is getting married in a couple of months, I feel touched by your situation. For our part, we do share fantasies of incorporating another male into our sex life, but this is only pure fantasy (to spice up the act). I can't imagine a situation where I would let another man have his way with my wife because I did lots of research on the topic. It turns out that many women fall in love with the other man because he ends up being better sexually and they usually have secret sex following the first act, outside of the husband's knowledge. There is a distinction to make between a threesome with another man (MFM) or cuckolding (where a married husband enjoys seeing his wife have sex with other men). I believe your husband falls in the latter category and this form of lifestyle cannot be undertaken without a high level of trust between the couple, a mutual agreement between the couple, and respect of the wife's wishes. As you can see, I've done my homework.

I believe you need to see a couples' therapist because your husband clearly has an obsession and this may be due to some other psychological reason. Also, choosing a particular lifestyle has to be mutual, and if your husband is coercive on you having intercourse with other men then it's hot healthy and is not a sign of love, but personal satisfaction. My words may sound harsh, but your husband needs a therapist to find out where this obsession originates.

Lastly, I hope your marriage survives because I believe you both love each other and this obsession, from your husband, is just a 'kink' (no pun intended) on your marriage that has a solution.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. I have lots of research under my belt (again no pun intended) which I believe could explain some of your husband's novel fantasies.

Best regards,
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