How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 100 (permalink) Old 10-28-2014, 11:40 PM Thread Starter
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How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

Ok so my husband has had a fantasy of watching me have sex with another guy for years now. A long time ago we did have a threesome with a mutual friend, I felt guilty after the incident, and after that we didn't do it again. Well this past year life had got in the way and we had a boring sex life and I remembered how happy and exciting things were after that one night so I decided if he brought up the subject again I would bite. Well he brought it up and I said I would be open to talking about it and possibly trying it. Needless to say he was excited. So I started reading more about it and I discovered that there were names for this fantasy/fetish called Cuckold and hotwife. We started off going to a swinger party and then joining a website. I warmed up to the idea for a few reasons #1 it sounded hot, two men all over me, #2my husband seemed to be so in love with me. Well I found a guy that seemed "my type" we met a few times, then it "happened". Well the guy seemed perfect, he was good looking, fun, charming but the sexual part I hated, he was really rough I mean not in a hurtful way just very "fast" and not romantic at all. I know that seems weird but I am a lady and regardless of the situation I still wanted that passion. Well after that my husband was obsessed! He fell in love with this new lifestyle but I didn't. It consumed our daily life our sex life and we went to a few more parties and I just couldn't get into it. Actually the last party I ended up crying in a corner because I felt bad that I couldn't do this for my husband. He felt bad and we left and he apologized for upsetting me just for his own pleasure. He says he will not bother me about it again but I know how happy this makes him. Well things were good for us sexually for a while but the last week or so he has been hinting little things like for example tonight he text me from work and said I want to talk dirty to you but I'm trying to be good. So I say well talk dirty to me then and he says I can't because I don't want to upset you I'm trying to change. So I say is that the only dirty way to talk to me. He said it the only thing that comes to mind. So I said ok so beside the "me sleeping with another man" fantasy what else do you get excited about and he says I'm not sure what is there to be excited about after 15 years!!!!wtf?? I'm so scared this is going to ruin us. He says he will not bring it up again but for me it's like wow nothing except for that fantasy excites him!!! Is he ever gonna be truly happy with me??
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post #2 of 100 (permalink) Old 10-28-2014, 11:46 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

Well, you have found out why most couples cannot do this. It destroys marriages.

My suggestion is that you find a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. And you get him to go to see with counselor with you. Your marriage is in serious trouble. And you are in serious trouble if you start once again doing something that does not jive with who you are.

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post #3 of 100 (permalink) Old 10-29-2014, 12:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

I agree. I've actually found a therapist in our area that I'm gonna give a try. We have to good of a marriage to screw up. We really are best friends. It's just so confusing that whole "lifestyle" I mean I do see the appeal, it's fun, sexy,exciting and kinda taboo. But it got to where we couldn't have sex without him talking about it or bringing it up. I felt like it took over. I feel like will he ever just want me without having to bring that up? I know he says he will just forget it and not bring it up again because he loves me to much, while I appreciate that but I just can't help but wonder every time we make love is he picturing me with another man.
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post #4 of 100 (permalink) Old 10-29-2014, 12:10 AM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

That would be very hard to live with.

We've had other people post here with similar situations. They never seem to end well. I know some people can do this and keep a marriage going. But most cannot.

Part of what I'm getting is that you are feeling used. To please your husband you have to perform with another man. But you are not really into the sex with the other guy. So it's become distasteful to you.

So your husband wants you to cater to this fetish of his. But he's losing sight of the fact that as your husband our comfort and please is supposed to be his main goal.

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post #5 of 100 (permalink) Old 10-29-2014, 08:15 AM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

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We've had other people post here with similar situations. They never seem to end well. I know some people can do this and keep a marriage going. But most cannot.
Actually the few statistical studies done on this show that the divorce rate amongst swingers is the same, or lower, than in the general population.

The issue here seems to me to be OP's husband's single-minded selfishness. Regardless of the pain it caused her he can't/won't stop. The kink is not the cause of the problem, just how it happened to manifest itself.

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post #6 of 100 (permalink) Old 10-29-2014, 04:10 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

Could you maybe role play an affair with each other? Meet in a bar with different names then agree to go to a nearby hotel for a one nighter with this "other guy".

I think there is a lot of room in a monogamous relationship for this sort of play. If he can get his itch scratched for being the "other guy" then all the better.
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post #7 of 100 (permalink) Old 10-30-2014, 08:16 AM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

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I know he says he will just forget it and not bring it up again because he loves me to much, while I appreciate that but I just can't help but wonder every time we make love is he picturing me with another man.
I have the same fantasy as your hub, partner absolutely not interested so agreed not to mention it again. Thing is as youve realise when a guy gets a fantasy he can't just forget it - usually gets stronger if anything!
Do you know why hub wants this? Is it maybe because he doesnt feel he can satisfy you himself?
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post #8 of 100 (permalink) Old 10-30-2014, 12:33 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

Good evening all
Its great to be able to tell your partner a fantasy, but not everyone wants to play to all fantasies.

It can be a tricky call. A woman might feel silly dressing up as a french maid - or she might feel humiliated.

My feeling is that if it doesn't involve other people, pain, or very unusual fetishes, its good to try to satisfy your partners fantasies.

When it does involve other people, it is completely reasonable to not want to play.
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post #9 of 100 (permalink) Old 10-30-2014, 12:57 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

First off you simply had bad sex with a guy. Your husband is excited because he is programed to be excited by you having sex with someone else. You might try being a "hot wife." You pick your dates. You don't have to have sex with anybody you don't want to. If you go on a date don't tell your husband anything. When he asks tell him you don't kiss and tell. He is going to be very excited. I will tell you exactly what he is going to do. He is going to want to perform oral sex on you trying to see if you had sex. Play safe and have fun!
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post #10 of 100 (permalink) Old 10-30-2014, 01:08 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

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So I said ok so beside the "me sleeping with another man" fantasy what else do you get excited about and he says I'm not sure what is there to be excited about after 15 years!!!!wtf?? I'm so scared this is going to ruin us. He says he will not bring it up again but for me it's like wow nothing except for that fantasy excites him!!! Is he ever gonna be truly happy with me??
This is the part that I'm stuck on. I think its one thing to have a fantasy and maybe you pursue it and maybe you don't. Its another to say there is nothing to be excited about. Mid-life crisis? sexual fixation/fetish? selfish/self absorbed? I don't know, but he needs to refocus. Your sexual relationship is the cake. If you two want to dabble in other things then that can be the icing, but the cake comes first always.

I'm being direct. You be soft and diplomatic so as not to embarrass him or get his defenses up.
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post #11 of 100 (permalink) Old 10-30-2014, 01:26 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

I just don't get this cuckold/hotwife thing. I just don't. I guess I'm not that highly evolved.

I couldn't watch the woman I loved being railed by another guy.
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post #12 of 100 (permalink) Old 10-30-2014, 02:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

Well we liked the "hotwife" lifestyle not "cuckold" neither of us are interested in me & some guy humiliating him! And I would not go on a date without my husband that's cheating, he wants to watch & join in that's the point of the fantasy. My problem is he is obsessed now that we've done something and I just feel like it's taken over our sex life. I hope you understand
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post #13 of 100 (permalink) Old 10-30-2014, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

Bandit.45 I totally respect that and that is your right. I hope your just not trying to judge me.
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post #14 of 100 (permalink) Old 10-30-2014, 02:36 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

Not judging. I just couldn't do it.

Hey...whatever pulls your pud....
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post #15 of 100 (permalink) Old 10-30-2014, 03:46 PM
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Re: How do I handle my husbands fantasy of me sleeping with another man

My wife is the same way with women. She gets turned on doing things with other women and me. It's like reverse cuckold though because she actually likes talking dirty to the other female, or being the aggressor and holding her head in my lap, or just talking dirty to the girl while we are all sexual.

I felt less special for a while, like she didn't care if I was exclusively hers physically any more. But after a year now, it seems like she just uses women as props. She has no emotional attachments and stops talking to the girl after a few experiences, and begins looking for another one. Or we do.

My advice is, if you feel used, quit doing it. Don't do anything you don't want to do. If you need time to understand his kinks or you just don't want to understand this kink and prefer being his exclusively, let him know. Communicate to him that you do not want to be shared and it makes you feel inadequate. Communication.

Last edited by Coldie; 10-31-2014 at 07:26 AM.
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