Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I am married to a wonderfull women. I very much love her, and I truly believe she loves me. We have been married for over 20 years and have to great teenagers.
We have no major financial problems, our kids are great, and both us are in good health. We make a point to go out every weekend to do something fun.
But we have the 1 big problem. She has no sex drive. This has always been a problem, and it had degraded to the point we were having sex only once per month. This was causing alot of frustration for me, and causing us to agrue.
In October she decided that from now on we were only going to have sex when she wanted it. The last 2 times were Nov 22 and Jan 15th.
I cant believe this, but I am considering leaving her over this one issue. We talked about this and her answer was she understands. No argument, she did not even seem dissappointed.
Am I way out of line? I am misserable. I am even asked my doctor to give me a prescription that would decrease my sex drive. So I am taking prozac. It definitly helps, but after 8 weeks it is more of resentment than anything else.
I think your wife need to see that you are confident in moving on. Show her that here statement does not reflect a healthy marraige and if she chooses this path that you will move on. Finding someone that will return your affections.
So I suggest that you discontinue date night and focus on your self. As hard as it is and as much as you love your wife, she sees you as always being there and will tolorate her behavior.
Show her different, show her you are capable of moving on and show her you can do things with out her. If you can get her to believe that you will not always be around and if she sees a confident man walking around knowing that he diserves happiness and can find it, she may come to realize that she no longer has the control and will second quess her dicision.
So man up, go out and take the teenagers out and start doing things with them alone. Go out and start doing things with your self. Show her you will not sit idealy by while she calls the shots.
Hopefully she sees the protential of losing you and will at least start addressing her sex drive and show you that it is concerning for her that she is not making you happy. I hope that she sees the error of her way and startd to do something about it. The only way to convince her is to not tolorate it. So go out and be your own person. Scare some sence into her by showing her a different you.
* Money: "One might imagine that budgeting would help unite a couple through the necessity of working together, pooling their resources for the basics of living, and enjoying the fruits of their labors. But here, too, what could bond a couple in a joint venture often serves to separate them."—Dr. Aaron T. Beck.
* Parenthood: "We've found that 67 percent of couples experience a significant drop in marital contentment after their first child is born, and there is eight times more conflict. This is partly because parents are tired and don't have a lot of time for themselves."—Dr. John Gottman.
* Deceit: "Infidelity usually involves deceit, and deceit, pure and simple, is a betrayal of trust. With trust identified as a crucial component in all successful long-term marriages, is it any wonder that deceit can wreak havoc on a marital relationship?"—Dr. Nina S. Fields.
* Sex: "By the time people file for divorce, sexual deprivation of many years' standing is shockingly common. In some cases the sexual relationship was never established, and in others, sex was mechanical, merely a vent for one partner's physical needs."—Judith S. Wallerstein, clinical psychologist.
The kind of reply you get from your wife is very depressing, sounds like she is not bothered to make your life happy. If a spouse doesn't care about the other one's happiness, it is a big problem. She is not trying to make you feel loved and appreciated. Leaving a loveless marriage is not a bad solution. We are human being, we want to feel loved and appreciated!
I think your wife does not understand men & what they need, what brings them happiness and how they feel loved. I think you only get to live & enjoy 1 life down here. Sex may be less than 10% of a marraige but it will ALWAYS feel like 90% when you are not getting your needs met & are consistenly rejected. This IS torment. You are NOT out of line at all.
It does not surprise me or anyone on here that you are considering leaving over this issue. I was just at a meeting where a Paster spoke to a small group about finances, he told us it was the #2 reason marraiges fail & asked our group of women what was #1 --- I KNEW that answer!!
I personally do not feel ANYONE should lower their sex drive to appease their spouse, this is a gift from God, and 2 people who vowed to love & cherish one another need to come together, hear one another out, be determined to explore ways to please each other, to satisfy and deeply understand each other needs in the marraige. IF this is LOST, one partner has no care where the other suffers, one has to ask himself if the grass is greener. chances are IT IS !!! Resentment like this will only grow & fester under those circumstances.
Is she on hormonal birth control, any other meds to affect her drive?
Is it an attraction issue ?
Is it she has ALWAYS been inhibited & gotten worse with age, possibly a mindset hinderance?
Many will ask -Have you been a generous lover, always sure to giver her an orgasm , are you sure she has them?
What do you feel?
I am sure this hurt very badly to hear she was not even going to fight you over a separation/divorce.
Do you feel you have been missing her in her "Love languages", does she have any Resentments built up over you ? (Too busy on the job, not enough help at home, with kids, etc)
She is not on birthcontrol, I had a vas after our 2nd child.
When we do have sex I always ensure he achieves an orgasm, infact 70% of the time is dedicated to her (carress, oral), the other 30% is mutual
Troyman, I am in a marriage of almost 10 years and the sex is extremely one-sided. It's me who always wants it and, until recently, my wife literally could not be bothered with my sexual needs. In fact, she would criminalize me for having those needs. And I've always felt she had a complete lack of sympathy or desire for understanding of the emotional torment I've had to endure for almost all of our marriage. If she and I ever split, I imagine that when I leave, she won't even try to stop me or fix the marriage.
Your wife's answer is extremely disturbing, but I also feel it gives you a clean slate to end your marriage amicably with no guilt and no blame. It's better your kids see a successful divorce instead of an unsuccessful marriage. Let them learn from a healthy failure rather than an unhealthy success.
You only live once and you've spent so many years caged up in a brutally unfair situation. I've had a recent epiphany in life, and that is what I've already said: Life is short. You cannot make the most of it if your wife does not care enough about you to care about your needs too...see seems bitterly indifferent to your needs and the pain of those needs going unmet has caused you.
For whatever it's worth, if I ever find myself in your situation, the marriage is over, and I will pursue life with rediscovered vigor after it's official.
I know my qualities and I know there are women out there that would be very grateful for the qualities I would eagerly give in abundance. The same is certainly true of you.
i certainly feel your pain. I too have been maried for 24 years, and my wife is very similar. She too only wants sex on her terms (frequency and variety), and does not seem to care much about how I feel about it. If you are like me, you love your wife dearly, find her very sexy and attracitve, and it kills you inside to not be able to express and share that. Does your wife seem indifferent to your advances like mine? It certainly does not encourage continuing to show affection when you receive indifference back. I have always been ultra-comitted to making things work in the marriage, but it seems to be a one way street.
I have never wanted anyone but her, but now the choice seems to be living on her terms or leaving. I know that you absolutely do not want to leave, and would love to stay with her is she showed just a bit more interest. If is a tough choice that I struggle with all the time. So far I have decided that the good things in our marriage are worth putting up with this, but I am not sure how long that will be the case. I guess only you can make that decision as well. I wish I had a hard answer for you. You and I are not alone out there.
I think your wife need to see that you are confident in moving on. Show her that here statement does not reflect a healthy marraige and if she chooses this path that you will move on. Finding someone that will return your affections.
So I suggest that you discontinue date night and focus on your self. As hard as it is and as much as you love your wife, she sees you as always being there and will tolorate her behavior.
Show her different, show her you are capable of moving on and show her you can do things with out her. If you can get her to believe that you will not always be around and if she sees a confident man walking around knowing that he diserves happiness and can find it, she may come to realize that she no longer has the control and will second quess her dicision.
So man up, go out and take the teenagers out and start doing things with them alone. Go out and start doing things with your self. Show her you will not sit idealy by while she calls the shots.
Hopefully she sees the protential of losing you and will at least start addressing her sex drive and show you that it is concerning for her that she is not making you happy. I hope that she sees the error of her way and startd to do something about it. The only way to convince her is to not tolorate it. So go out and be your own person. Scare some sence into her by showing her a different you.
I suggest for you to educate her as much as possible about how having sex to you means feeling loved. The same way she needs certain things from you (help around the house, being responsible, being a nice overall husband) you need sex, but not once a month sex, at least 3 times a week and she needs to show you desire otherwise, there is no love in it....talk to her...communicate everything to her...cry!....tell her that you are dying emotionally inside because you dont feel loved
I
I cant believe this, but I am considering leaving her over this one issue. We talked about this and her answer was she understands. No argument, she did not even seem dissappointed.
Am I way out of line? I am misserable. I am even asked my doctor to give me a prescription that would decrease my sex drive. So I am taking prozac. It definitly helps, but after 8 weeks it is more of resentment than anything else.
Any other suggestions?
You are thinking of leaving her because she is not meeting one of your key needs in the marriage. This is reasonable. But when you expressed this, she did not seem to mind. So if you are willing to leave her due to her not meeting your needs, you need to flip this around and realize that if she is willing to leave you or let you leave it is because you are not meeting her needs. You think you are meeting her needs by being a provider and having fun, but there must be a missing ingredient. Something that equals to her what sex equals to you. And keep in mind that she does not realize the depth of how important sex is to you, her needs will be things that you don't realize how important they are to her.
You should not be taking Prozac to reduce your sex drive. You should embark on a self improvement journey that harkens back to doing things you did when you were courting your wife, and after you unlock her secret codes you then start vocalizing how she can meet your needs.
...."only have sex when she wants it"...."I love her very much"...
I am assuming that there are no medical etc issues that mean a very low sex drive on her part.
This is one S E L F I S H wife. She doesn't give a stuff about what her husbands needs are nor does she seem capable of a compromise.
Yet, reading Hicks post above "...let you leave it is because you are not meeting her needs".
See?....Its ALWAYS the mans fault. We are such horrible, dreadful creatures. Why did God ever create us? What was he on at the time?
...."only have sex when she wants it"...."I love her very much"...
I am assuming that there are no medical etc issues that mean a very low sex drive on her part.
This is one S E L F I S H wife. She doesn't give a stuff about what her husbands needs are nor does she seem capable of a compromise.
Yet, reading Hicks post above "...let you leave it is because you are not meeting her needs".
See?....Its ALWAYS the mans fault. We are such horrible, dreadful creatures. Why did God ever create us? What was he on at the time?
Seriously?
Both people need to make sure they are meeting each others needs. It will not harm their marriage if he discovers what will help her be attracted to him, it will only help them, so what is the problem with that?
The 'problem' is that it always seems to be the mans 'problem' or fault.
He can be an absolutely perfect husband....either doing too much or too little.
Whatever, its always the mans fault.
It would be refreshing to hear from women who simply accept the responsibility that the reason they might be having marital problems is because they simply are not interested (for whatever reason) in sex with their husband. They understand its important but just dont want to do anything about it...
I'm not sure how having a low sex drive equates to being a horrible, horrible person like other people have suggested. Your wife is probably a really good person, who just happens to have a low sex drive. It's common in this day and age. And not having that "need", ofcourse she won't be able to understand that your whole life depends on sex! It just does not compute. If you don't particularly like an activity, it is hard to imagine anyone else basing their whole existence on this activity.
So maybe education is in order. Sit her down and tell her exactly what sex means to you, and why you base your existence on it. Then, even if she can't relate to you in the slightest, at least she knows what the deal is and why it upsets you so much. She will have a bit of an understanding then. She isn't going to magically become a multi-orgasmic nympho but at least she won't turn you down so much.
problems is because they simply are not interested (for whatever reason) in sex with their husband.
This is the thing.... It's not for "whatever reason". It's for a very specific reason. Specific to the individual woman. They are not interested in sex because the man they are with has not turned her on. The man must figure out how to unlock her sexuality. Women are sexual. Men are sexual. But,men's sexual turn ons are simple (visual) Women's sexual turn ons are complicated. It's not always the "man's fault". It's just that it's a lot harder for a man to figure out how to uncork his wife's sexuality than it is for a wife to uncork a man's sexuality.
If men want to call it a day and decide that it's just a mystery as to why their wife is not sexual with them, and that there is nothing they can do but wait for wife to realize the logic of why she should be sexual, I cannot stop you. But unless the party that is negatively affected by the situation changes, nothing will change.
Getting tired of waiting. 
Seriously?
