sex without intimacy
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 03-13-2011, 12:44 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy sex without intimacy

My husband and I have been married for 8 years. I have lost alot of weight over the last year, over 100lbs. I am very hot now according to my husband. He is constantly grabbing my boobs and my butt and telling me that he wants to fu*k me because i'm so fu*king hot etc... we have a fairly active sex life.. I will admit, that for years i have had issues with being intimate like making out because i always think he's only after one thing...so i tend to pull back.... but i'm getting better about this....

anyway.... we have sex a couple of times a week usually and we get along really great for the most part... but we don't "make love" specifically I am upset about:

i havent been feeling the best, drained alot, so the other night i wanted to be close to him, so he was cuddling and started to feel me up in bed, and when he got on top of me i asked him to kiss my neck, he did for about 5 seconds and then stopped... i kept kind of moving his head to my neck and he wouldnt kiss me there.. i said Honey, just slow down it's not always about the ending, and he said he could smell the cream that i put on my face and neck after the shower and it stinks...umm ok... so i said hun, all you had to do was say you didn't like the smell and i would have wiped it off, so i got up to go wash my face and neck, and when i came back to bed he just laid there and made no attempt to welcome me back in the bed... so i laid beside him, and he just went to sleep.... I don't understand, he treats me well, but he only wants a quick **** from me, not an emotional connection at all... I'm hurt and confused, please give your opinions or advice. we have been married 8 years. we aer in our early 30's
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Old 03-13-2011, 01:01 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: sex without intimacy

Here's my two cents worth. The wanting it quick - is he tired and ready for sleep? I find when I get towards bed time my energy level for spending the time and effort goes down. The solution for that is to make sex happen earlier in the day sometimes.

The whole sex versus making love thing is something I never could predict. Making love for me starts with sex that somehow transforms itself to something more. I've never been able to go into it deciding to make love, it just happens - or not.
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Old 03-13-2011, 01:02 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Having hard animal sex is really great. In fact I like to be pushed down and have him just f### me. Or be a bit rough.

However I also like it when we take our time with each other, and do things to slowly build up the sexual tension.

And if i thought there was no intimacy then I would be very sad, intimacy, not just when you are having sex, is important. I want my man to feel me up and be very sexual, but I also want him to hug me and just kiss me too and love me. It has to be a nice mixture.

Write him a letter outlining why you need emotional closeness and physical intimacy and why it's important to you to have your needs met too. If he isn't willing to address the issue or make real lasting changes then he is very selfish.
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Old 03-13-2011, 01:08 AM   #4 (permalink)
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he stays up until all hours watching TV, so i dont see why the one time that i want to have physical intimacy he should be feeling so tired. but if i were to climb on top of him and ride him for half an hour he would be more than willing to stay awake. I'm hurt, i feel rejected. if he was too tired, then why even start to have sex with me... only because he thought it would be a quick lay and on his way. I can reach orgasm very quickly so that's not an issue if it needs to be quick. but given that he knows i dont feel emotional and needing to be close like "make love" very often, i just think that he should have listened and known that for some reason i needed that at that time. If i wanted to simply be screwed all the time i could get that elsewhere...i didnt get married to be fu*cked when it's convenient and thrown aside when he's finished with me...
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Old 03-13-2011, 01:16 AM   #5 (permalink)
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we sleep naked every night, and lately he rolls over on his side of the bed facing away from me, and doesnt even cuddle with me anymore.. i dont think for one minute that he's cheating on me, i just feel very hurt and betrayed and like he doesnt feel like he needs to put an effort in, he just gropes me and feels me up and i'm supposed to be happy with that...
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Old 03-13-2011, 06:32 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I know that one... Honestly, I just keep reminding him that sometimes just f'in is OK (hey, not gonna say I hate it) but that sometimes, I want him to devour me entirely... meaning that I want him to pay attention to every inch, take his time and maybe even tease a bit (in other words SLOW DOWN!!!)

I think men need to be reminded that for women the real emotional connection is in that intimacy before and after. Helped a couple of times just being the instigator and taking my time with him, then physically stopping him if he wanted to jump in too soon.

Can't say I have just what i want yet, but trying to get him there. He also knows it takes me way longer to get my big O and so I must say... he is a ladies first kind of man there, but I had to tell him a long time ago what it takes for me (and that sometimes it takes something different, and that sometimes it's just not gonna happen for me BUT that doesn't mean I am not gonna enjoy it) REALLY hard to explain the dynamics of sex for a woman to a man...
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Old 03-13-2011, 09:47 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: sex without intimacy

[QUOTE=woodstock;273476][I]I know that one... Honestly, I just keep reminding him that sometimes just f'in is OK (hey, not gonna say I hate it) but that sometimes, I want him to devour me entirely... meaning that I want him to pay attention to every inch, take his time and maybe even tease a bit (in other words SLOW DOWN!!!)

I think men need to be reminded that for women the real emotional connection is in that intimacy before and after. Helped a couple of times just being the instigator and taking my time with him, then physically stopping him if he wanted to jump in too soon.

Can't say I have just what i want yet, but trying to get him there. He also knows it takes me way longer to get my big O and so I must say... he is a ladies first kind of man there, but I had to tell him a long time ago what it takes for me (and that sometimes it takes something different, and that sometimes it's just not gonna happen for me BUT that doesn't mean I am not gonna enjoy it) REALLY hard to explain the dynamics of sex for a woman to a man...[/I]

I AGREE!!!!!!!

Just questions: what was it like when you were bigger, and have you always pretty much just f****d or has there been a recognisable period when you made emotional love more
The bit you said about having the sense that he was only after one thing therefore you have tended to pull back 'but you're getting better about it' I relate to what you're saying but for me there are baggage kind of reasons - and I still feel there should be (for me) a higher percentage of time 'making love' and less 'just f'ing' - in fact when there's any friction, 'f-ing' wouldn't get a look-in
Do you actually talk about this or is it all unspoken

Last edited by madimoff; 03-13-2011 at 09:51 AM. Reason: memory loss
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Old 03-13-2011, 10:01 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: sex without intimacy

mans perspective.....he now has a very hot and desirable wife that he has been starving for while you were...um, well...heavier. i am not trying to be mean here, but you switched on his craving to be with you sexually when you lost the weight, you became or returned to being his dreamgirl. he should be sensitive to your emotional needs i agree, but you may have to lead him that way.
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Old 03-13-2011, 10:02 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: sex without intimacy

That's a cop out.

You don't understand the ineffable feminine mystique of the orgasm ergo I will withhold sex from you forever.

Starving for famine awareness. Sounds like a plan.
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Old 03-13-2011, 11:30 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: sex without intimacy

[QUOTE=madimoff;273542]
Quote:
Originally Posted by woodstock View Post
[I]I know that one... Honestly, I just keep reminding him that sometimes just f'in is OK (hey, not gonna say I hate it) but that sometimes, I want him to devour me entirely... meaning that I want him to pay attention to every inch, take his time and maybe even tease a bit (in other words SLOW DOWN!!!)

I think men need to be reminded that for women the real emotional connection is in that intimacy before and after. Helped a couple of times just being the instigator and taking my time with him, then physically stopping him if he wanted to jump in too soon.

Can't say I have just what i want yet, but trying to get him there. He also knows it takes me way longer to get my big O and so I must say... he is a ladies first kind of man there, but I had to tell him a long time ago what it takes for me (and that sometimes it takes something different, and that sometimes it's just not gonna happen for me BUT that doesn't mean I am not gonna enjoy it) REALLY hard to explain the dynamics of sex for a woman to a man...[/I]

I AGREE!!!!!!!

Just questions: what was it like when you were bigger, and have you always pretty much just f****d or has there been a recognisable period when you made emotional love more
The bit you said about having the sense that he was only after one thing therefore you have tended to pull back 'but you're getting better about it' I relate to what you're saying but for me there are baggage kind of reasons - and I still feel there should be (for me) a higher percentage of time 'making love' and less 'just f'ing' - in fact when there's any friction, 'f-ing' wouldn't get a look-in
Do you actually talk about this or is it all unspoken
We talk about it a lot and he is open about needing sex for his security in the relationship, and is open to where my needs are different in sex, so we are getting better... he is learning LOL we are trying give and take but he does get more in the area right now
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Old 03-13-2011, 06:09 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Just questions: what was it like when you were bigger, and have you always pretty much just f****d or has there been a recognisable period when you made emotional love more
The bit you said about having the sense that he was only after one thing therefore you have tended to pull back 'but you're getting better about it' I relate to what you're saying but for me there are baggage kind of reasons - and I still feel there should be (for me) a higher percentage of time 'making love' and less 'just f'ing' - in fact when there's any friction, 'f-ing' wouldn't get a look-in
Do you actually talk about this or is it all unspoken



when i was bigger we didnt have sex as often, and i defanately was not this ambitious about positions and places we have sex. I come home sometimes during the day from work just to have sex all day. we would make love some times, it's not that we always just f*ck. i talked to him about it, but i just feel cheated, and he says he understands but after 11 years together i really need to tell him that i want for him to want to be intimate and not just treat me like a wh@re
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Old 03-13-2011, 06:24 PM   #12 (permalink)
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You're right... Though Nivea makes me sneeze....everyone's different I guess. But you're right on this point. Sorry.
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Old 03-13-2011, 06:41 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by okeydokie View Post
mans perspective.....he now has a very hot and desirable wife that he has been starving for while you were...um, well...heavier. i am not trying to be mean here, but you switched on his craving to be with you sexually when you lost the weight, you became or returned to being his dreamgirl. he should be sensitive to your emotional needs i agree, but you may have to lead him that way.
I get that i became his dream girl, and I'm flattered, but honestly I get told enough when i go out by men that i'm so hot and blah blah blah.. so yes i am excited to be hot and sexy for my husband, but at the same time, I need to be treated like someone wants me for me, not just the package that I come in. i think it's more irritating because i do have sex with him alot, and i do have it in alot more places all over the house, and alot more positions, so when i want to be treated like a lady, it shouldnt just be ignored. Theres no leading him to it in this situation... we were actuallly having sex and i asked him to slow down he said my moisturizer stinks, it's nivea for god sakes its not like it's garlic and onion scented...but anyway i went to wash it off, and he chose to go to sleep... so obviously me asking him to slow down was his cue to go to sleep because it was too much hassel for him to make love to me longer than 5 minutes... i felt like he thinks I'm not attractive enough to actually take the time to think about who he's doing....and there's no respect to treat me like a woman.
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Old 03-13-2011, 08:28 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Runs like Dog View Post
That's a cop out.

You don't understand the ineffable feminine mystique of the orgasm ergo I will withhold sex from you forever.

Starving for famine awareness. Sounds like a plan.


I don't understand the meaning behind your post..who are you saying this is a cop out to?? I never said i was witholding sex...if anything I have been giving it to him above and beyond what the average married couple does in a week. but it's hard to then want to continue having sex with someone who makes you feel like you are no more to him than you are to the horny guys at the pub who want to take you home f*&k you and never hear from you again...
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Old 03-13-2011, 09:13 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Not you; madimoff
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