Timy

Me and my wife have been together for 15 years, married for 6 and we have 3 boys, 5, 4 and 1 year old. I love my wife dearly, and would do anything for her and our relationship. Our sex life is fine to her, and our relationship is great to her eyes. The problem is that I am not fulfil when it comes to our sex life. When we do make love, it’s amazing, ok it is routine, always me on top. But she tells me she likes it that way. I`d like some variation... She has no interest in giving me a Blj, nor she wants me to go down on her, it happens rarely. We have sex one every 1 or 2 week, we`ve done one a month often this past year. I do a lot around the house, dishes cleaning up after meals, I try to be as helpful as I can. I`m with my kids twice a week alone as she`s giving a course at night. I`d like for her to show that she wants me, loves me. But after a big letter that I sent her she responded with, `I don’t know what to tell you, it’s just not there` meaning that the need to have sex is not there. But when she`s alone she will masturbate with her vibrator, bullet. Which is fine by me, I`m extremely open to masturbation and I encourage her...but I find it sad that it’s not happening with me... I`ve asked her how she felt about her, about her naked, and she tells me that she is comfortable. I asked her about me, if she like what I bring... I think she`s not telling me everything because she doesn’t want to hearth me. Or she’s shy about telling me her fantasy, how she would like to get fu...cked, harder or.. Today I`ve sent her another note telling her how I felt we were just friend and this weekend I felt like being alone with the kids, not having her around, fed up with trying. I know this is selfish, but I`m tired of giving... She tells me that she will go see her doctor, now that tells me that it might be hormone... So my question to whom ever had this before and solved it, being having no sex desires. Before seeing the doctor, is there something we, or she could try that would spark that need for intimacy, sex???

I`m out of idea.

Thanks in advance for any suggestion you may have.

okeydokie

your trying too hard, back off and show more interests in other things and leave her alone for awhile, your a pushover and she doesnt like it. there are a zillion posts on here just like yours, read up

incidentally, the above worked for me quite well

Timy

I don’t believe I`m a pushover, but then again I might be wrong. I think I leave her a lot of room, I`ve never talked about it before, because she gave birth 3 times in the last 5 years. But now I`m at the point of giving up, pack my bags and leave. So I tried my best to communicate what I was excepting of a relationship, and from my wife. And told her how I felt. She was shocked cause she believe everything was perfect... So for the past 4 years I`ve dedicated myself to be the perfect husband, always there with the kids, cleanup the house, tell if I would be late...all things women wants from a men, at least, from what I can read. She would tell me to bug off if I was to pushing. I respect her and would not do anything that she would feel uncomfortable to her. We have a good communication. She tells me she doesn’t have the need, or that it is not there, and that worries me. That is why I`m searching for other women’s that experimented that in their past, and what was done to solve it, if solvable. My wife is planning to see the doctor, I`d like for her to be more informed before she does so...the doo and don’t of what a doctor might suggest...drug wise perhaps, there might be a natural avenue...doctors, they are paid to give drugs even when there is a natural alternative. I hate drugs...or hormone...

okeydokie

so is she also worried because she lacks desire or "doesnt have the need?" she is going to the doctor and i think you should at least see what comes from that. but she has to want it to be fixed, she has to realize and understand what it does to you and care enough to fix it.

Timy

That is the thing, she does care, a lot. For me the `Need` and `Desire` are the same. So I`d answer yes to both, basically, she doesn’t become horny, if I can say that. So she’ll never chase me down for sex...ouff. Yes she wants it fixed, she wants to go see the doctor now, I think it`s overreacting. There must be other things we can try... I don’t know, that’s why I’m here looking for answers.

frustr8dhubby

MGirl,

Are you still with him? If so, how did you get through that? My wife won't tell me that but I still think she just doesn't want sex with ME...

PBear

Check into the "manning up" stuff in the Men's Forum. Some women (definitely not all!) don't want a nice guy, even if that's what they might think they want.

Is she on birth control pills? Any other medications? And at least your wife is wanting to fix things. Have you used the toys on her? Does she have an orgasm (or two... Or more) when you're with her? Are you SURE she does?

Some women (I think) are worried about telling their husbands what they want or need, especially after many years of being together because they don't want to hurt them, as you said. How you break through that, to let her know that you're ok with constructive comments, I don't know. Maybe you can have a "post sex" cuddle/huddle and both of you have to give one positive comment and one "constructive" comment.

C

IH8theFriendZone

Timy, yours is a tough one my friend. And, until recently, I was in your exact shoes. And only time will tell to see if I still, in fact, am (e.g. if this is just a phase or if my wife has had a change of some kind where she is now more sexual). That being said, I have two thoughts:
1. kick that vibrator to the curb. She obviously has a sex drive or she wouldn't use it. I'd treat it with almost the same degree of emotion and focus as infidelity. She knows of your need, but chooses not to satisfy that need and instead satisfies an obvious need of her own. This is a direct affront and an insult to you as a good and decent husband who is obviously caring and attentive;
2. You're too good of a husband and you're too caring and you're too attentive. And she doesn't care of fulfilling a need she knows you have because she knows she can get away with it and fulfill her own obvious need. Look, bro, I was in your shoes. I know how it feels! I wanted to be so damn good of a husband she'd discover a newfound appreciation for me and things would be as magical as they were in the beginning! Instead, it just became a fact that now she didn't have to worry about cleaning the kitchen or the bathroom cuz she knew I'd do it. And then when I eased up a bit, now I wasn't being as good a husband -- total lack of appreciation, pure and simple.
The truth is, only you can make this decision, but you need to communicate, not yell, not argue, not debate, but communicate how emotionally eviscerated you feel and how her refusal to satisfy a critical need she knows you have leaves you in a constant state of torment. You need to tell her that you would never willingly deny her of a need she has expressed and you know to be so important that you have every ability to satisfy; and yet she does so toward you seemingly with ease. And to add to the hypocrisy, she then goes and takes care of herself!
I hate to say it comes to this, but IMHO, she needs to see (and you have every right) that you will not stand for this, even if it means the destruction of the marriage, for which YOU WILL NOT be blamed (although don't try to bring blame into it). It will take all the courage in the world, but this is what I believe it comes to (or will come to).
I was (and might still be) in your shoes my friend. And you can rest assured that if I can confirm that whatever upswing we're on is only a phase, and we revert back to where we were in 2010 and prior (but especially 2010), it's over. I'm walking with my head held high. (or as high as I can hold it, but I will certainly attempt a stoic and determined, but justified exit)

notaname

I lost my attraction to my husband. I didn't desire sex and would even cry sometimes before or after. I think it can happen without a woman even realizing it until it is far gone.

Personally, just realizing what was happening has helped my change my frame of mind. I never really knew what I needed or wanted and so I am actively figuring that out and working on it. I figure it will take time, though.

So...for me it was that my husband was not speaking my love language (read The 5 Love Languages) and in my eyes had turned into a lazy blob. Sexually, he was too gentle and turned me off by asking for sex. Asking for sex turns it into a chore or wifely duty.
I had become emotionally distant, too.

Some things that have helped:

*Spicing up the bedroom with toys and variety of positions

*My H has started being more aggressive in bed-he still asks for sex sometimes, but he gets much better results by pouncing on the bed and playfully mauling my neck, telling me to take my clothes off, chasing me around the house, etc.

*Get me off first (or really close) so that he can thrust hard and fast and not worry about me. I find this very pleasurable. Otherwise, we always know we can do other stuff after for me. Either way, we no longer look at sex as a one act wonder so there is not as much pressure.

*An idea to help with oral...have an intimate shaving session. I'm a lot more open to it since I have started shaving and I wish my H would do a little shaving down there, too.

*Teasing and flirting. I cannot tell you how important this is for sexual desire. Sadly, most married people stop doing it. Start flirting and teasing your wife...sext her once in awhile.

*Come up behind her and kiss her neck
*Put your hand(s) on her waist

*See if there is anything you can do to improve your physical appearance. If you need to drop a few pounds or whiten your teeth, get a hair cut or anything like that. Put on her favorite aftershave or cologne.

*Take her out on fun dates once a week...or at least a couple times a month. Don't just settle for dinner and a movie. Try different things...do stuff where you can talk to eachother and do something physical sometimes.

*My H seeking me out to have conversation with me...we even shut our bedroom door so we can focus just on eachother and not the kids. Conversation with my H is seriously like foreplay for me.

A lot of sex is mental. This is good and bad. If she is willing to change her thinking about it that can go a long way to change her level of desire. She needs to start thinking about sex with you more, though. I'm actually kinda surprised she is masturbating, but not having sex. That makes me think it really isn't hormonal....it is that she isn't sexually drawn to you right now.

Really, be more aggressive is the best advice I can offer. Make her laugh and giggle! Tease and play with her. Create some passion.

We've gone from about 3-5 times a month to 3 times a week and I'm willing to go for more. I'm not going to say I'm horny, cuz I haven't really gotten there yet. But things are much more satisfying for both of us.

I've never been to the doctor about it...although I did bring it up to my midwife during my last pregnancy almost 4 years ago. LOL I can't even remember what she suggested, but it wasn't medication...

Timy

notaname , It actually make sense, she does use the vibrator, and during the two months together Mat and Pat leave we never made love, not once. Although she always tells me that the best time for her is in the morning, we were two months together, so lots of mornings and nothing happened even when I was making advance. But how can I convince her to tell me something like that, this is obviously something you don’t tell someone...but in a relationship, it’s a must. Wow, any idea on how I could have her tell her true feeling on this subject?

BTW, thanks IH8theFriendZone for your feedback. But I’m in the beginning of this and don’t want to be harsh on her. Mind you that in 6 months from now if this continues and that she knows exactly how I feel. It would be a bummer...

MEM11363

This type post is very helpful to all the men on here who have bought into the totally wrong notion that being sweet and loving all the time makes for a happy marriage.

Being kind and loving is only good when coupled with sometimes being edgy and aggressive. A steady diet of "sweet" kills desire for many/most women. "Sickeningly sweet" is just as applicable to sexual desire as it is to food.

I can't speak for other men. For me, the fact that my W is "generally" aggressive and has an edge to her personality is super hot. TAKING a strong woman is incredibly erotic.

IH8theFriendZone

Hey, no worries my friend. Only you truly know your situation and you have to do what you feel is right. And it would be unfair to her if you escalated this too quickly. The important thing is that you communicate your needs unapologetically. She has the right to agree with you and she has the right to disagree with you. But she does not have the right to make you feel criminalized or "in the wrong" for having the needs you have. First, just about every expert out there will say that not only is sex important in a marriage, but it's critical and often a barometer of the happiness in the marriage. But second, your needs are your needs, plain and simple. You cannot be held at fault for needing what you need. That would be like being at fault for having the wrong color eyes or the wrong sounding voice. You are who you are and you should not have to ever apologize for it.
Communicate your needs and don't apologize for them and establish that you are also equally concerned about fulfilling her needs as well as having yours fulfilled. There must be equality in a marriage to work. Don't sell yourself short.

MEM11363

Try being more reserved. Be home less. Be LESS serious and more playful. Try to tease her into a wrestling match. Overpower her - but don't try to turn it into sex. And above all else STOP talking about how you feel. Let her talk about how she feels. And pay attention to how she talks to you. My guess, she is disrespectful in a "subtle" way. And you need to stop that but not with "anger" loud voice. Use humor or a sharp edge in your voice.

If you are constantly "around" and she is always feeling a light vibe of "desire" from you - that is likely a big, big turn off.

If you are around much less - and when you ARE around you are playful and aggressive but not sexual - you may get a different response.

notaname

She might not even know or understand her real feelings on this topic. Really, I didn't know what was missing sexually until I started reading marriedmansexlife.com . I just knew I wasn't into it and I felt pretty bad about it. I think you are pretty safe to just move forward on the hunch that this is the problem. I would never tell my husband that I stopped being sexually attracted to him...ever. We've been making improvements without that being necessary.

When you say "make an advance" could you elaborate? Or can you see differences between what you have been doing and what I described in my previous post? You went two months without sex and I wonder if that was you being told no a lot or waiting for her to make the move on you.

I think that a lot of sex doesn't happen because both people are waiting for the other person to make the next move.

Does she just tell you no and block your hands and stuff? Cuz, I have been known to do that and it mostly is because I am not revved up enough. It doesn't mean I can't get there with some effort.
The flirting, tickling, wrestling, laughing, giggling, teasing, chasing, etc will help turn her on so that her defense response will lower. Having fun is super important.

This won't be cured overnight. Keep that in mind because it will be so easy to give up after the first time doesn't work out the way you want it to. We've had some times where our signals get crossed and it is best to try be open about it and say let's have better luck next time. Look at it as a mutual journey towards better sex rather then having hurt feelings.
If there is nothing hormonally wrong-or a major relationship issue-I would expect you to start seeing results as you change your approach to sex.

okeydokie

the problem with some of the advice here is, timy, you have to do all the work and she will still likely reject you, she is left with that sole and powerful choice, she is in control of your sex life. i still advocate you making a major change in the other direction, back off and act disinterested. thats the only thing that turned my similar situation around and headed it off in the right direction. i changed my mindset that sex from my wife was a reward for me being a good husband to, hey you like sex too and if you want it let me know, otherwise im going to do something else.