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Old 03-15-2011, 08:50 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Masturbation over sex?

My apologies. I think I should have posted this here... Hi! I am new here, this is my first post. So, forgive me if I mess this up a bit... I found this forum and read of others who are experiencing or have experienced similar problems. So, I know there are others out there like me. I am looking for some feedback, please! Ideas, suggestions, what you think would work, what worked for you or someone you know. If you are a man, what is your take on this?
So, here's the story. My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for 12. Both of us were previously married at a young age and those marriages didn't work out. My first marriage because my ex-husband would go on the internet when I wasn't around (he worked nights and I worked days so there was ample opportunity) and progressed from masturbating to porn online to "meeting" women in chat rooms for cyber sex to meeting these women in real life and having an actual physical relationship with them. After I found out, we entered marriage counseling and tried to work our marriage out for 5 years. When I found out that he had still been meeting girls during this 5 year period, I left him. A couple of years I met my current husband. I was gunshy about remarrying and I was the one who made us wait at least two years before we married. The sex was amazing. He knew that I was distrustful of the internet sex sites/porn after what I had been through. I told him that I would never ever let that happen to me again. That I was forgiving and understanding about most things, but that was off limits. He agreed. After we married, my ex-husband dropped out of my kids' life. And my new husband honestly took on the role of father. He has been more of a father to them than thier real dad and my children love him so very much. About three years after we married, I noticed our sex life diminishing. I love sex. I loved sex especially with him. It was so incredibly satisfying and he was the best lover I've ever had. And I thought he felt the same. Anyway, with the decline of our sex life (every time I tried to iniate he said no), I began to do some investigating. Yep, internet porn everywhere. I confronted him, he said sometimes a guy just has to masterbate. It's quicker, it's easier, it's faster. OK, I agree. I understand that. It's cool. I said they only thing I would have a problem with is if his masturbation took the place of our sex life. I didn't mind having to step up my own masturbation to compensate, but I didn't want our sex life to stop all together. If he could just give me once a week, I'd be happy and not complain. Well, here we are 7 years later. We have sex -not kidding- twice a year. And that is after I browbeat him death. I nag and nag and nag and he literally says: "ugh. fine". He has a hard time getting and maintaining an erection when he finally concedes to sex and then literallly he wants the sex we do have to be all about me getting him off and nothing for me! I leave frustrated and sad with no orgasm. He doesn't even try to hide the fact that he prefers masturbating to me anymore. I know whenever he locks himself in the bathroom (on a dialy basis) what is going on. I have banged on the door after thirty minutes of him being in there, and this is rather gross, but there is he is with an erection and no poop smell, no shower steam, nothing. I know exactly what he is doing and it makes me sick to my stomach every time. He does this on a daily basis. Last night, I was upstairs about 8 pm laying down with the kids. He said he'd be up in a minute so we could watch tv or visit or whatever. Well, I waited and waited. Finally, about 8:45 I decided I would just go downstairs and hang out with him. Guess what! He was masturbating on the couch! Not under a blanket. His, ahem, was just out for all to see. WHAT?! What if it had been the kids and not me who walked downstairs? Sheesh. Then he got mad at me about it. Said I was uptight and a prude. Seriously?! I love him very much, but dang it! Why doesn't he have sex with me? I've never been too busy, too tired, had a headache, etc. I've tired dressing up, dressing down, watching porn with him, etc. I've talked until I'm blue in the face about how hurtful is choice of porn over me is. Nothing changes. As of right now, I haven't sex since JULY! Help!
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Old 03-15-2011, 09:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbation over sex?

Add in a TBI and ED problems and this could be MY POST.

Except I've never 'found' him masturbating, nor has he admitted he does. I did find him fondling himself once and you would have thought he had committed murder! Which was strange because we used to fondle ourselves in front of each other as a turn-on for sex.

But there is DEFINITELY something going on.

Do you think he's having cyber sex?

Is there any possibility that he's getting it elsewhere (sorry, had to ask)?

Sounds like he may have a porn addiction and the fantasy has become more real to him than what he has at home.

I believe I've experienced this same problem, now mind you I have other things in the mix (TBI, meds, age, ED, alcohol) - but boy does your story sound familiar.

My husband also is a porn-***** and views it almost daily (though he has skipped some) - tells me he just likes looking at naked women (though he looks at naked men too) - and I never had a problem with it until it appeared that it was replacing me. In the last week, even though he is still looking at porn, he has been more attentive to me - so, like you - I can handle it as long as I'm important too.

My IC (who is also our MC) has explained it to me this way.

The fantasy is enticing - young, pretty, nubile women who have no stretch marks, no body affected by childbirth, big tits and they are available whenever he needs them and it doesn't matter if he's not a stud, etc. He doesn't have to worry about pleasing them, performing and worrying about "their needs." He can just focus on his own - he can be totally selfish and not worry about anyone else.

My husband also, when we resumed our sex life to some degree last year also became totally self-involved - it was like I was an unpaid prostitute - there for servicing him, but not getting paid! I can remember crying because I felt so used.

I still don't know if the porn was the problem or his other issues - but he is trying to turn things around. We did have sex three times last week but none since (he did hurt his back) - so I know we have a long way to go to re-establish that part of our marriage but I'm hopeful that things will get better.

I didn't give you any useful advice and I'm sorry. But I wanted you to know that you're not alone and there are other women out here that are suffering in the same manner.

Perhaps you need to look at some MC. Might not help, ours didn't because HE had to open up to what's going on and as you know men tend to get defensive when you start talking about sex (the lack thereof) and they tend to shut down and then you can't get ANYTHING out of them.

But it might help you to look up porn addiction and see what you can do for yourself so that it doesn't torpedo your self-esteem - that's what happened to me and it took a while to get it back.

Good luck - you are more than welcome to PM me anything and we can discuss further - I do know how you feel.
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Old 03-15-2011, 09:52 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbation over sex?

As unpleasant as it sounds, you may have to consider the possibility that he's going outside of the marriage for sex. What has he said when you confront him on why he prefers going solo to being with you?
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Old 03-15-2011, 10:02 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbation over sex?

Thank you sooooo much for responding. I just feel miserable and so alone! My husband, when I ask him why he prefers solo over sex with me says "it's easier, faster, etc." Makes me feel like I'm not worth taking the time to have sex with. I'm not asking for a marathon sex session. I'm just asking for sex period. Quickie, whatever. Anything, just have sex with me for once and not your self. You know? I feel so utterly rejected and have for years. Its also the fact that I keep asking and telling how hurtful it is to me this rejection and yet he continues to do it anyway. Then proceeds to get mad at me if I "catch him". Jeez. He's doing it all the time and catching him is the only way I can get him to stop. I wish he would either say "Truth is, I'm not interested in you anymore" or "I think I might be addicted to porn/sex" or "I don't like you" or "I'm embarrassed because I can't maintain an erection when we have sex" -- Anything other than making this about me being a prude and refusing to discuss it further. I'm so frustrated and sad I can hardly stand it!!!
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Old 03-15-2011, 10:11 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbation over sex?

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Originally Posted by justagirl123 View Post
Thank you sooooo much for responding. I just feel miserable and so alone! My husband, when I ask him why he prefers solo over sex with me says "it's easier, faster, etc." Makes me feel like I'm not worth taking the time to have sex with. I'm not asking for a marathon sex session. I'm just asking for sex period. Quickie, whatever. Anything, just have sex with me for once and not your self. You know? I feel so utterly rejected and have for years. Its also the fact that I keep asking and telling how hurtful it is to me this rejection and yet he continues to do it anyway. Then proceeds to get mad at me if I "catch him". Jeez. He's doing it all the time and catching him is the only way I can get him to stop. I wish he would either say "Truth is, I'm not interested in you anymore" or "I think I might be addicted to porn/sex" or "I don't like you" or "I'm embarrassed because I can't maintain an erection when we have sex" -- Anything other than making this about me being a prude and refusing to discuss it further. I'm so frustrated and sad I can hardly stand it!!!
Unfortunately men SUCK at expressing their feelings, for the most part.

He's never going to tell you he's embarrased because he can't maintain an erection. I once got my husband to talk "briefly" about this and all he told me was that I didn't and couldn't understand how it felt for a man not to be able to maintain an erection. He's right - I don't. But it is what it is - get past it and let's move on.

While it's fairly easy for me to take that stance, it seems almost impossible for him to. His male ego is so tied up in his ability to perform that he can't see the forest for the trees. It's like he would drather make himself/me and us miserable than to work through the issues. I've been extremely patient and supportive and worked around the problem but he still has some kind of mental block when it comes to this issue.

Very frustrating for me!
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Old 03-15-2011, 12:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbation over sex?

Justagirl

Your husband is a sex addict, he is addicted to masturbation and most likely porn. He could or might be also seeking out others in chat rooms or using cyper sex too. As for whether he is going outside the marriage, he might not. But he is a sex addict; I know because I am one. I've done all of there the above, masturbation without my wife, withholding sex, ED problems, affairs online and in person.

Get him to a SAA group, he needs to admit he is an addict and see the help of other addicts. If he refuses to go, then you have to decide whether you want to stay in the marriage like it is or go start again. Perhaps if he was offered the door or SAA he might try.

Going to my first SAA meeting over 2 years ago scared me to death. I didn't attend another one for 3 months and now I have been going for the last 18 months. I am working a 12 step program, I will have 1 year of clean time in April, I would of had 10 years but I never accepted God in my life and that was one of my conditions.

If he won't go or admit he has a problem, look up the information for him. Get into a meeting for partners of Sex Addicts; it will make it easier for you. Get into counseling, if he won't go, go without him. Lousy marriages are about two people whom own 50% of why it doesn't work.
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Old 03-15-2011, 03:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbation over sex?

Where do you live? LOL Just kidding but you might wanna check the water supply. LOL I have to say I do enjoy the porn once a day, but the wife is always a treat. Now w/ that said my wife will have the big "O" and not worry about me unless she needs the warm sticky goo to cum then she'll wait for it, but other than that I'm on my own. It would be nice to be serviced first, but like we've heard before "ladies First"
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Old 03-24-2011, 05:30 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbation over sex?

I totally agree with Airplane - your hubby is a sex addict and he is fulfilling his sexual needs in the wrong area/s. The first step to healing for your hubby, is he has to come to the realization and admit he has a problem. Porn is dangerous and has destroyed countless marriages. It is the start of a downward spiral in any marriage, it is a snare of the devil. Please do not entertain his addiction in your desperation. Do not agree to watch porn with him in the hope that he will, want you more or in hope he will make love to you - porn will destroy you and bring more harm than good.

I am a living testimony, that the power of God can deliver anyone from addiction. That evil stuff called porn, nearly destroyed my marriage - but once i admitted and called for help, God came and delivered me - it was not easy!

Porn is selfish, destroying and death to a marriage - even if both agree to indulge in it, still it is destroying and sooner or later those bad seeds will bring forth its bitter fruit!

Your husband needs help, and fast!
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Old 03-26-2011, 05:11 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I'm sorry that you are going through this. And I thought I was sexually fustrated (and I mean fus not frus lol).
The only thing I can think of is maybe asking him can you watch him. Let him know that you don't want sex you just want to watch him pleasure himself. It may turn him on. And if you want masturabte with him. Just the idea of it turns me on :-).

If you don't want to ask, the next time you catch him at it (and it seems as you will) then just stand, sit whatever and watch him. Then start on yourself. Not with a look of digust, yet more of a turn on. IDK See if that helps any. GOOD LOOK!
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Old 03-26-2011, 05:22 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I totally agree with Airplane - Porn is dangerous and has destroyed countless marriages.
I got into porn a few yrs ago when my husband started ignoring me. Later his affair was reveal. I still watch it from time to time. It's not even the porn (pic, video, movies) that turn me on it's the sounds of pleasure. Honestly I actually just put it on and minimize the window and listen to the moans and use my vibator. I'm fairly new to the world of porn so i'm not sure how addictive it is maybe not so much for me because nothing feels better to me than a man (I rarely use the vibrator). My husband is not much into porn or the internet so IDK I can se how it maybe for some.
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Old 03-27-2011, 06:15 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Normally, I have no issues with porn. My husband and I enjoy it together and I enjoy it alone as well. It can be a way to spice things up.
If porn and masturbation take precedence over sex with a spouse, I agree wholeheartedly that it is a huge problem.
Your husband is doing what all addicts do: blame shift, hide the "drug use" and downplaying the impact on the marriage. I know this because I was a pothead for about five years, including during my engagement. Prayer helped, as well as facing the reason for my excessive use (trauma) and taking responsibility for the pain I caused Mr.G.
I had to come to the realization myself and not a moment before I was ready.
Confront your husband about his porn addiction. Tell him that unless he takes steps to change, the marriage will not survive. You will no longer allow porn to steal your sex life. I would also look into IC, since this has undoubtedly caused some self esteem issues for you. Bless you, my friend.
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Old 03-28-2011, 01:43 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbation over sex?

There's a possibility he's addicted to porn and/or is seeing someone else (either online or in person) but as long as things are so tense between you, he'll never just come out and admit what the real problem is. I would think that the reason he gets upset when he's caught is because he's embarrassed (and he knows you'll be upset.) Maybe just act like it's not a big deal and sit and watch him. I think sexuallyfustrated has a great idea - if you can't beat him, join him! Act like you're into it - that may be a good starting place to get him more comfortable.
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Old 12-07-2012, 02:12 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbation over sex?

I have just the opposite problem.....my wife diddles in her sleep and has "O"s throughout the night....(every night) we only have scheduled sex anymore and she will sometimes even say we need to do a rain check on that anymore. I am confused, hurt and a little resentful. I used to think that perhaps there was someone else but I am not sure. She has come up with excuses like she doesn't have a labido anymore, to being permenpausal, but under these circumstances neither hold water anymore. Beginning to think that she is just not into me anymore after being together for 24 years....at wits end here
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Old 12-07-2012, 02:26 PM   #14 (permalink)
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This thread is over a 1.5 years old!
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Old 12-07-2012, 02:41 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by justagirl123 View Post
My apologies. I think I should have posted this here... Hi! I am new here, this is my first post. So, forgive me if I mess this up a bit... I found this forum and read of others who are experiencing or have experienced similar problems. So, I know there are others out there like me. I am looking for some feedback, please! Ideas, suggestions, what you think would work, what worked for you or someone you know. If you are a man, what is your take on this?
So, here's the story. My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for 12. Both of us were previously married at a young age and those marriages didn't work out. My first marriage because my ex-husband would go on the internet when I wasn't around (he worked nights and I worked days so there was ample opportunity) and progressed from masturbating to porn online to "meeting" women in chat rooms for cyber sex to meeting these women in real life and having an actual physical relationship with them. After I found out, we entered marriage counseling and tried to work our marriage out for 5 years. When I found out that he had still been meeting girls during this 5 year period, I left him. A couple of years I met my current husband. I was gunshy about remarrying and I was the one who made us wait at least two years before we married. The sex was amazing. He knew that I was distrustful of the internet sex sites/porn after what I had been through. I told him that I would never ever let that happen to me again. That I was forgiving and understanding about most things, but that was off limits. He agreed. After we married, my ex-husband dropped out of my kids' life. And my new husband honestly took on the role of father. He has been more of a father to them than thier real dad and my children love him so very much. About three years after we married, I noticed our sex life diminishing. I love sex. I loved sex especially with him. It was so incredibly satisfying and he was the best lover I've ever had. And I thought he felt the same. Anyway, with the decline of our sex life (every time I tried to iniate he said no), I began to do some investigating. Yep, internet porn everywhere. I confronted him, he said sometimes a guy just has to masterbate. It's quicker, it's easier, it's faster. OK, I agree. I understand that. It's cool. I said they only thing I would have a problem with is if his masturbation took the place of our sex life. I didn't mind having to step up my own masturbation to compensate, but I didn't want our sex life to stop all together. If he could just give me once a week, I'd be happy and not complain. Well, here we are 7 years later. We have sex -not kidding- twice a year. And that is after I browbeat him death. I nag and nag and nag and he literally says: "ugh. fine". He has a hard time getting and maintaining an erection when he finally concedes to sex and then literallly he wants the sex we do have to be all about me getting him off and nothing for me! I leave frustrated and sad with no orgasm. He doesn't even try to hide the fact that he prefers masturbating to me anymore. I know whenever he locks himself in the bathroom (on a dialy basis) what is going on. I have banged on the door after thirty minutes of him being in there, and this is rather gross, but there is he is with an erection and no poop smell, no shower steam, nothing. I know exactly what he is doing and it makes me sick to my stomach every time. He does this on a daily basis. Last night, I was upstairs about 8 pm laying down with the kids. He said he'd be up in a minute so we could watch tv or visit or whatever. Well, I waited and waited. Finally, about 8:45 I decided I would just go downstairs and hang out with him. Guess what! He was masturbating on the couch! Not under a blanket. His, ahem, was just out for all to see. WHAT?! What if it had been the kids and not me who walked downstairs? Sheesh. Then he got mad at me about it. Said I was uptight and a prude. Seriously?! I love him very much, but dang it! Why doesn't he have sex with me? I've never been too busy, too tired, had a headache, etc. I've tired dressing up, dressing down, watching porn with him, etc. I've talked until I'm blue in the face about how hurtful is choice of porn over me is. Nothing changes. As of right now, I haven't sex since JULY! Help!
Masterbation to online porn over the real deal???

You must be kidding...I'm 66 yo, married 47 years to the same woman..Daily sex for the 1st 20 years....She is down to once a week....So I am forced to masterbate daily, but am always MORE THAN READY when she is....I must be what you would call a clasic HD male, but she was HD for many years as well....

No one should be reduced to sex twice a year.....

You have my sympathy...

To hell with checking his T levels, check his I.Q...MUST BE STUPID....Is he watching GAY porn? HIS SEX DRIVE IS TOO BROKEN TO FIX.....KICK HIM TO THE CURB.....
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